Road trips and the expense incurred by impulse

I succumbed yet again to the temptation of spending money on books. I earn money by books, I loose money buy(sic) books. After a long sleep-in and a relaxing morning where I had another really good sit/think fest, yet this time there was more 'God' related stuff involved an interesting tour amongst the start of Proverbs, I found myself having to drop Emma (Emily's friend) home. Now she really doesn't live that far away but as I was 'on the road' I figured I'd just drive the extra however many km's to Nunnawadding while the 20% sale was still on at Word. Foolish girl. I was going to stay home today. Paul D called me sometime during then 'for a chat' which was quite random. We are having a rather large gush meetup tomorrow which shall be nothing short of interesting. I will see him, Jas and many others I dare say. So I bought far too many books again. A very interesting one on 'Mass Culture: eucharist and mission in a post-modern world', some book by Max Lucado, some Youth Min one, One on online stuff (as it was less than $5 and erm I was being impulsive) and The Five Love Languages of Singles as someone - I think it was you Tony, said it was really good. Anyway. I think the whole trip was a cover up to just get out of the house for a while - not that I have been at all frustrated with anyone today, positively the opposite. How very stupid of me. I now have books enough to last me months - there's still some I haven't read from last time...

Gracious

Young adults last night was nothing short of interesting... if I can describe it like that. The majority of us were under the impression that Sussanah was 'running' this week in starting to look at Jesus' ministry through the gospel of Luke. She didn't show. James and Tim (not IT Tim) grabbed at the loose straws of the evening and we all proceeded to have a look at part of chapter 4. particularly this bit:

16He went to Nazareth, where he had been brought up, and on the Sabbath day he went into the synagogue, as was his custom. And he stood up to read. 17The scroll of the prophet Isaiah was handed to him. Unrolling it, he found the place where it is written: 18"The Spirit of the Lord is on me, because he has anointed me to preach good news to the poor. He has sent me to proclaim freedom for the prisoners and recovery of sight for the blind, to release the oppressed, 19to proclaim the year of the Lord's favor."^[e]

20Then he rolled up the scroll, gave it back to the attendant and sat down. The eyes of everyone in the synagogue were fastened on him, 21and he began by saying to them, "Today this scripture is fulfilled in your hearing."

22All spoke well of him and were amazed at the gracious words that came from his lips. "Isn't this Joseph's son?" they asked.

Discussion got (to say the least) a tad tense at times, I don't know the whole start of the evening had a very awkward flavour. I was close to walking out at one point, not that I mind a bit of conflict but I was getting supremely frustrated at how things were tangenting quite wildly. We didn't pray to start with. That was a problem. Something a couple of us noted earlier (to ourselves) and didn't speak up about... We eventually managed to, I hope get something out of it. I confess much of the time my head was stewing over the word 'gracious' (v.22) for some reason or other. I think I was trying to work out why that word is used there. I didn't bring it up, because I know my head likes to play with semantics and it probably wouldn't have gotten us anywhere. Some good points made (somehow) or at least things we discussed:

• A purpose - The Spirit on Him before he's even really done anything ministry wise
• This was a passage that came up chronologically when the Jews reading it, Jesus just 'happened' to get this one
• Jesus in constant communion with the Father/Trinity/Communication etc...
• The humanity of Jesus, 'known as the carpenter's son'
• ...somehow 'heaven on earth', now but not yet thing came up
• and a look at God's character which someone managed to slip in at the end for which I was grateful for.

my notes are very scrawlly and all over the place - as was the discussion really. The gracious thing made sense a bit more in light of looking at God's character. And I had some minor revelation about it - unfortunately I've sort of forgotten it. How irritating. Anyway. After it 'got there' somewhat, concluded. We stopped and did a recall, prayed and then Tim and Isobelle 'ran' communion. Armed with a guitar, Psalm 51, Tim's voice (for a little), bread and some juice, a lot of time of just being quiet and reflective. It was a fantastic way to finish the evening. It was so nice just to stop. Communion at Vineyard is a very 'communal' affair - in many ways it should be. We get up from seats rather than pass bread and cups along the row. Certain individuals give you the bread/cup etc. But there isn't a lot of time to be quiet or sit and reflect. A bit yes, but not a lot. I am hoping communion is something we will seek to do weekly. James was pretty pumped afterwards with some 'idea' he had about doing it next week. Macca's. Pretty enjoyable as always. Tim mockingly asked me on an 'argument date' (he liked the concept or something) - I refused, but said he could buy me coffee next Macca's trip and I'll sit and argue something with him if he so desired. Fred the Red Car was moved on an angle and 'Bad Parking' written on my back window. Trip to Koorong today - on impulse because Sam and I were both a bit bored. I bought an earlier David Crowder Band CD, Illuminate. If I were to recomend one of their cd's that'd be it. It's really good. Better than their new one. Also got WOW worship aqua (just mixed stuff), nice to have some new stuff, tad annoyed as they've stuffed up the track listing on the second CD so when you rip it to your computer - well, lets just say I'll have to retitle them sometime. Not impressed. Hannah got back (after two weeks of being away in Central Australia on a school camp) tonight. I went to pick her up with Mum and Dad and spent half an hour waiting, freezing in the car trying to fall asleep to loose my headache. It's good to see her again. I can't believe it's been four years since I did the same camp. I said hi to Mr. Youl (my Texts/English teacher) and got a really good hug for it... Nice to know I've been missed ;) Spent a long time tonight doing nothing. Listening and lying on my beanbag, half praying, mostly thinking. I haven't done that for a very long time. I should do it more.

Blog Cloud

And would you look at this, it's a word cloud from my blog. They are intended for tshirts but why not put it on here. I am slightly mistified at the presence of the word: donâ... to make one click here and then click 'custom' and ignore the $18 bit. I pinched the idea from Craig's blog. the thing is slightly off it's rocker but minorly amusing. Shows how much I talk about myself!

Books and patterns

I shall keep amusing myself by continuing the trend of my blog posts seemingly appearing in sets. By way of explanation: Dollars spent > A three dollar evening > admissions Odd blog > Bloggers block Life's a picnic > Replacement Living Bright Eyes (okay this is the odd one out) Backwards look at books > 'the title of this one as yet undecided' Until now it (and I promise) has not been intentional. I've spent the last hour and a bit putting up books on ebay, to fund the too many social activities that shall arrive on my doorstep these holidays, also petrol and a good bit will, as it always does, get saved. Unfortuantely my savings tend to take a nose dive when I 'buy that big thing' - but really that is what savings are for. Next on the 'to buy' list is a Digital SLR, do yourself a favor and don't get yourself an expensive hobby. Moving out of home would also be nothing short of wonderful yet this presents a problem, now that I work from home.... this home. I think I'll cross that bridge when it comes to it. Give me til the end of the year and I will probably strongly consider hunting for work and the slightly detestible nature of not being my own boss. Money as a whole does not greatly concern me. Although the wasting of it does. One thing I will probably spend money on this holidays is a trip into the city to look at the Picasso exhibition, tempted to go by myself but anyone is welcome if you are so inclined (and I know you). I am slugging my way through 'Lake Wobegone Days' and getting mildly frustrated that I ever started it. It's too long for what it is. Difficult to follow, although quite funny - it feels like a million anecdotes from multiple characters pieced together to form some kind of whole. I'm questioning why I didn't just start reading The Life of Pi when it's been on the 'next' list for so long. I shall endeavour to finish it asap, which might be a good task for this afternoon.

Backwards look at books

Here is a list of some of the picture books I was slightly obsessed with when I was younger:

• Phoebe and the Hot Water Bottles - One of my absolute favourites there is a copy going on Ebay at the moment for over $100. It's out of print and Mum still has my copy somewhere!
• The Light House Keeper's Lunch
• Morris's Disappearing Bag
• JAM
• The Plant Sitter
• Tony's Hard Work Day
• The Worst Person In the World
• Tessa Snaps Snakes/My Farm
• Courdory
• Grandma and the Pirates
• Burglar Bill
• Peepo
• Pugwash the Pirate
• The Happy Lion
• The Digging-est Dog
• Go Dogs Go
• A Fish Out of Water
• Cricktor
• The Wild Washerwomen
• The Great Tasmanian Tiger Hunt

And some early novels...

• The Twits/George's Marvelous Medicine/Fantastic Mr. Fox
• The Boxcar Children - Gertrude Chandler Warner, first novel I ever read I would've read the entire series many many times. I do not own any of them :(
• The Trolley Car Family
• Fantastic Faraway Tree (and set)
• Magic Wishing Chair (and set)
• Children of Cherry Tree Farm (and set)

...more later

Bright Eyes

Laura and I got home last night after going to see Oliver Twist with Jess and Sam and came face to face with this rabbit. "Why is there a rabbit in our drive way?" So we got out, I worked out it must have hopped into our backyard so I closed the gate. Dad came out armed with some lettuce and he and I spent the next 5 or 10 minutes chasing this stupid rabbit (obviously a pet one) around the yard. It was eating at the food but got away from Dad. I managed eventually to grab it from behind and we returned it to our unknowning neighbours across the road. Their girls were very happy that Smoky had been returned to them. Oliver Twist - gets about a 6-7 out of 10. It was good but not great. There was nothing much new bought to the story and there were several points where I was highly concious of it being well, on a set and with extras. The kid who played Oliver however was magnificent, and both Nancy and Bill were done fairly well. Glad I got in for free ;) Got to love having a friend who works there. I am now in the mood to read more Dickens and badly want to watch David Copperfield again (which is the best BBC or any adaption of a Dickens story ever if you ask me). If I'm not wrong, I think we have it taped and somewhere in the stash. Went and got my eyes tested this morning. They are worse - I knew that, I should've also checked how much, I dare say I'll find out. No new glasses for me however, I could have but I'm trying out contacts, and for the moment my old/now glasses can do me. I don't have that much money to throw around. So I'll find out how they go in a week or so. She also wants to do a (pupil?) dilation test on me due just as a 'checkup thing' because yeah, my eyes suck. Which means someone else has to take me whenever that is because your eyes are way too sensitive to light after they've had the drops put in them. Something like that anyway. Oh the joys of my genes and the abuse I inflict by sitting in front of this screen too long. In which case... *heading refers to a dumb song on the Watership Down cartoon which was also crap, however I VERY much liked the book when I was younger and it's got a lot to do with Rabbits. I think it's just about all about rabbits. **the photo is of a rabbit we came across while down at the lake the other day.

Replacement Living

There is smoke coming out of my neighbour's chimney (this time the house isn't on fire). It's another cold Melbourne day. I think I might head down to the lake this afternoon again. Had one of those horrible dreams last night. I am curious as to why they generally involve tidal waves - perhaps it's just something I'll have to live with. Rarely the same situation but always waves and water, lots of water. I woke up to two letters from Centrelink. They were quite literally the first thing I saw. My bed is right next to my door and so when I wake up and lean down to get my glasses or book or Bible or whatever if there has been something poked under the door - I tend to see it. One was nice and pointless the other was saying my Youth Allowance had been cancelled - again. The track record just keeps on getting better. I did mention to the CL lady last time that I'd ceased employment, but I guess that didn't quite make it into the system. I spent the first moments rehearsing excuses in my head, contemplating the dream which got relatively more horrible than just a wave and genearlly being frustrated at a 'nothing day'. Decided I'd better change things before I got out and read random bits of Hebrews. Got out of bed more cheerful. The point of giving this blow by blow account of my getting out of bed is two fold - I'm waiting for a cake to finish cooking (yes you read correctly) and I remembered something from Christina's sermon that I particularly liked. This also ties in to something I guess I learnt - or had emphasised on camp (and you can go read Paul's account of camp if you like). Camp Mum and Dad impressed me quite a bit when it came to discipline - they were willing to follow through on what they said, came down hard when necessary and when it would quite obviously not bide well for their popularity and not only managed to deal with and focus on the problem at hand, but provide strategies for future conflicts (as just one example). What to do instead if you feel xyz. In the Matthew 6 sermon, Christina pointed out the 'replacement' for the DO NOT PANIC.

"But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well." - Matthew 6

It's the alternative, the something to substitute, to fill the time or the gap that's left. Erm, I guess like smokers often go the Nicabate patches - you can cut it cold turkey with cranberry, but it's going to be more difficult. The good for the bad. The better for the worse. It's a effective principle to to employ, I'm sort of pleased because I think I worked it out myself quite a while back. Haha. It's dead obvious really, although often hard to live out. I don't think that God leaves us in the lurch at all when it comes to working out what alternatives are...

“Do not seek revenge or bear a grudge against one of your people, but love your neighbor as yourself. I am the LORD. ”- Leviticus 19:18

He shows us pretty clearly what the other option is. I don't think they are of course all hypotheticals of the 'replacement theory'. Working out what the 'right way to live' isn't always the most black and white contrast. How then to live? The Samaritian woman at the well story, I like it immensely. From the Message version.

"But the time is coming—it has, in fact, come—when what you're called will not matter and where you go to worship will not matter. It's who you are and the way you live that count before God. Your worship must engage your spirit in the pursuit of truth. That's the kind of people the Father is out looking for: those who are simply and honestly themselves before him in their worship. God is sheer being itself—Spirit. Those who worship him must do it out of their very being, their spirits, their true selves, in adoration." - John 4:23-24

We definitely opt for the instinctive reaction to life. It's easier. We'll complain about what we don't have before thinking about what we do have. Worship, life infact is not a passive thing. There's the engaging, the pursing - if you're picking at the verses above. Who we are, who we are created to be (which is living up to what God can see already behind what we concieve as our many many faults) has been smudged fairly drastically in the upbringing of ourselves in a thoroughly stuffed up world and the impact of sin. I do like this post Tom made in the thread 'A Sinful Nature':

Psalm 51:5 (NIV) wrote:

Surely I was sinful at birth, sinful from the time my mother conceived me.

Do I get a prize? Seriously though the 'official' Christian theology states that as descendents of Adam and Eve (who sinned), we 'inherit' their sinfulness.

Romans 5:12-14 (NIV) wrote:

Therefore, just as sin entered the world through one man, and death through sin, and in this way death came to all men, because all sinned — for before the law was given, sin was in the world. But sin is not taken into account when there is no law. Nevertheless, death reigned from the time of Adam to the time of Moses, even over those who did not sin by breaking a command, as did Adam, who was a pattern of the one to come.

When we accept Jesus, though, the bloodline that connects us to original sin (ie, that makes us sinful) is broken, and replaced with a direct bloodline to Jesus, who is NOT sinful. Our inherent sinfulness that we got from Adam is replaced by an inherent righteousness that we get from Jesus. *sigh* But, we still live in a corrupted world and as such we are constantly faced with temptations. Even though we don't have INHERENT sinfulness, we still SIN. Luckily, though, the fact that we've accepted Jesus also means that we receive God's forgiveness and restoration.

I was pleasantly surprised when I recalled the post - went and found it and discovered the actual use of the word 'replaced'. Seems that there's a bit of replacing going on. The righteousness we get from Jesus? Righteous living? It ties back in nicely with the Matthew 6 verse. The Sunday School, "Seek ye first the Kingdom of God and his righteousness, and all these things will be added unto you.... Halelluhallelujah!" I guess it comes down very much to this. I can use what I've dubbed the 'replacement theory' when it's practical - but when it comes to really living, "Your heavenly Father already knows all your needs, and he will give you all you need from day to day if you live for him and make the Kingdom of God your primary concern." It's about what God did and living like we know it. And now I've got that stuck in your head - or at least that annoying song. I'll go of wondering if my post was trying to get at two different things.

Life's a picnic

It's nice to have those days where you sleep in late, spend the rest with friends, feel good because you got some exercise (and believe me I'm never too intentional about it, not now the dog's gone) and manage to feel like you've been somewhat productive. Had a good old holiday scrambled eggs breakfast - the kind of breakfast I bother with when I have time up my pyjama sleeves. I love wandering around the house with good music on and a cup of tea. Sam called after her exam, about an hour after I'd been awake (shows how late I slept). I had some 'erands' to do so she decided to come along, I was more than happy to have her. To Medicare, to get a form and finally get my name taken off the family card and onto my own - should've done it about five years ago. I went somewhat hopefully to the optomitrist to see if they could fit me in. No such luck. So I shall have to wait until Wednesday morning. I haven't had my eyes checked for about two and a half years. It's a bit of a pain really, because I'm fairly sure they're a bit worse. I do and don't like getting new glasses. Picking frames or what is a minorly petrifying thing as you know you'll be stuck with them for the next few years. You always always need someone else with reliable taste with you. That saying, I shall be seeing if my eyes are suitable for contacts because I've been meaning to do that since the last time. I would like the change, although I'm going to hate the people noticing thing. Comments, even if favourable do start getting painful when people go, "Oh wow you look so different etc..." - This will be my 5th pair of glasses if I'm not wrong. I first started wearing them when I was ten. I blame my Dad entirely for the dodgy genes. Fare ye well several hundred dollars also... Sam and I crept into the changing rooms at Target and had a very funny time trying on some dresses. (Here's where I admit I actually liked some of them although don't think I'd be brave enough to ever wear one). The rest of them were fairly hideous. We came back past the lake. Walked around, took a few photos. A beautiful day. Jess and Luskie (Mark) picked Sam and I up a bit later than originally intended and eventually found Kat's house. Elyce was already there. Kat's house is amazing. I love it! I've always wanted a red room and done a bit the way her mum had theirs. A few things different maybe, but on general principle - well! Kat's bunglow... that was something else again! I don't get envious too easily but I was bordering on it. Taste, ahh good taste. We left Sam and Elyce there and drove to Monbulk to get pizza - not open. So on to Belgrave. Kat and I got a couple of movies, "Keeping Mum" and some other indie something or other (which we didn't end up watching). Made it into about 40mins of the movie - bizzarre black comedy. Some which I didn't like, actually a lot of the movie I didn't like, but there was enough in there that was well and truly whacked out for me to appreciate. I don't mind black comedy generally but there were a few too many sexual jokes etc in there - which is the one of the few kinds of humor (including really dumb blonde jokes) that I just don't find funny. Jess H arrived, followed closely by Dan. We made more tea, ate more chocolate and pizza and tim-tams etc... then went and finished the movie. Very enjoyable evening, skimming over Jess W and Sam's beautifully snide remarks at my wearing of a red jumper/top and something to do with passion.... which confused both Luskie and Jess H (me too, trying to work out where they pulled it from)- who assumed that I am now going out with someone. To clear that one up: I'm not. Oh yeah, ever looking for buttons to push? That's the big one, right there in the middle. Red jumpers, blue skies and all. I guess it really was quite a good day.

Bloggers Block

I've had a flippin horrible time working out where to start this. This morning Christina happened to be visiting and preaching. It was great! Best sermon I've heard in quite a while. I am a big fan of when the person speaking takes a text and gives it a good going over - rather than inserting the text when it justifies their own thinking or general knowledge. I am of course to blame for doing that all the time, but there's too much we miss otherwise. Anyway. Matthew 6:25-34 Most basic overview I can give is: Don't Worry And this post really isn't working for me... Basically it was freakishly relevant to some things I've been considering in regards to the future and the conversation I accidently bought up over the dinner table last night (about maybe not finishing my current uni course). Her mention of flower's being futile and really only beautiful had me laughing in my head about a point in the book The Little Prince.

"I ought not to have listened to her," he confided to me one day. "One never ought to listen to the flowers. One should simply look at them and breathe their fragrance. Mine perfumed all my planet. But I did not know how to take pleasure in all her grace... The fact is that I did not know how to understand anything! I ought to have judged by deeds and not by words. She cast her fragrance and her radiance over me. I ought never to have run away from her . . . I ought to have guessed all the affection that lay behind her poor little strategems. Flowers are so inconsistent! But I was too young to know how to love her . . ."

and mentioning that really served no purpose at all. It was a good sermon. Good and relevant too. Thanks Christina!

Odd Blog

Wow now this is quirky. Strange. No, just weird: Little Brown Dress

Admissions

Before I sit down (oh wait I already am!) to have a decent think about some stuff that came out of this morning's gloriously relevant sermon, thanks Christina! I'll share with you the following:

"I was looking for a hole to dig myself into for a couple of minutes after the second goal," he admitted. "If we had lost, I would have had to live in the Solomon Islands." - Kalac (soceroo's goalkeeper after he missed)

I guess the Aussie's experience of the Solomon Soccer expertise hasn't been so grand... I'd also better mention the movie before I get too carried away. The Mission. Very interesting, spectacular, but a bit was lost on the quality and screen size. Couple of quite moving bits, the whole thing was fairly inspirational - curious ethical situations yes, but still inspirational. My favourite would've been when they read out this. The part where kids were getting shot and babies pushed into the mud was pretty hard. The music was great, again a bit lost on our home lack of fantastic equipment. Lets see, the only actor I can remember being familiar was Liam Neeson (but I like him from Les Miserables)... otherwise you'd have to look it up. Themes of sacrifice, mission, love etc... quite deeply entwined in the whole thing. Worth watching this one.

A three dollar evening

After a long debarkle about what to do tonight Laura and I have settled on something that could be a tad risky in regards to technical quality, but has been on my mental list of things 'to do' for an extremely long time. We discussed going to see Oliver Twist (which I REALLY want to see) the new Roman Polanski movie and found it was only showing at Knox - which isn't convienient tonight, and then Laura suggested Over the Hedge, which I guess I wouldn't mind if we were going with a group. Called Analise up - not home yet, "Sorry can't make it", called Sam up, "Still too sick" (my fault)... I gave up after that. I have been just about blowing my face off at mum at various points of today. We are getting on eachother's nerves and I just really want to get out of the house. However as I said before, we have ended up opting for the cheaper version - unfortunately not out of the house but I think I can cope. Much cheaper, infact it's only on video and they had to go digging for it out the back - no wonder I've been unsucessful in finding it before. $3 entertainment. A 1986 (old as me movie) called The Mission, it is meant to be fairly spectacular, rather involved, deep etcetera etcetera. So here's to a good evening in anticipation. Thoughts and comments to follow...

Dollars spent

After a week of focusing on others I sucumbbed to the niceties evils of indulging myself. In actuality (I'm using that word a lot lately) Sam and I decided to catch up at Morrisons, and it extended to an impromptu visit to Eastland - where we both intended to get our hair cut. We did, although mine looks like nothing's been done. Not impressed with that. Then we uh, did the expected 'go shopping thing' considering our location. I dare say we both spent more than intended. Just Jeans proved too much for my wallet this time - despite me usually being very good. Starbucks has mighty fine chai tea. Which means I'd better get off my butt and sell some more books shortly. The one truly useful purchase I made (If we didn't all have to wear clothes) was a really expensive $8 microphone. Which means that I can now have two sided Skype (VoIP) conversations, or alternatively look like a fool talking at my computer. I made good use of it last night in a fairly pointless conference call where I made Tom meet Jas and John and Geoff and however that all works. Too many nerds in one place. Perhaps it was a mistake. Anyway if you care to hear me in person you can shoot me an email - if you don't have my email you don't need to hear me in person.

A short post to appease Tom

Tonight someone described me as an ENGIMA e·nig·ma n.

1. One that is puzzling, ambiguous, or inexplicable.
2. A perplexing speech or text; a riddle.

I like this. (Did you make it to the end this time Tom?)

Weird Wacky Wonderful

I am not entirely sure where to start, how are you meant to explain six days that have been so entirely packed that there's hardly been time to steal a few minutes away to debrief? For those who completely missed why the blog hasn't been updated, I've been away leading on a junior ESA camp - grade 4 to year 7 age. My very set habit of spending my evenings thinking, blogging, writing, reading, thinking, praying, thinking and msn'ing, were shot to pieces after such full days and the different location. Different to a holiday when you have loads of time to do most of the above, this resulted in getting to sleep being very very difficult task every night despite being so tired. My mind would run absolute riot the moment I lay down. The fact that I wrote hardly at all and and absolutely no 'journal' type recording stuff, will mean I have to rely somewhat on memory. I did however take the scrawl opportunity during the few 'quiet times' and looking back have a little bit of a remarkable record of where God took me through the week. Or at least I think so. Made it up to ESA early as pertaining to the parental's paranoia of driving the black spur at night. The drive was shorter than I remembered. I wasn't first there which was kind of nice in a way. Met Carris - another of the leaders so we got to know each other as much as you can when well you are in such a random circumstance of waiting hours for the others to show up. Mass produced name-tags and organised lodge groups. Slight bedlam on the following day when campers started showing up early. I was designated photographer to take a mugshot as each came in the door. Photos for the fuzzy bags (ie: say nice things about xyz bags). It was a good way to start grasping everyone's name. I'm quite good when it comes to remembering names -unlike phone numbers, and got them all down pat fairly quickly. About 55 kids all up, only 20 or so of them boys. I 'Lodge Lead' fifteen or so girls - the slightly older group (11-13) with Andy (girl) and Jacinta. Turns out I knew Jac when about 8 from Horsham! Both fantastic, got along with them well. The girls were also a very diverse group, from the extremely quiet to the out-there, I care stacks about what I look like kind. So... meals, activities, games, 'worship' (where I got roped into doing the 'words'), lodge time, study time, memory verses, duty group, quiet time, 7:00 leaders meetings... There was no snow so the snow trip, whichever day it happened to be turned into a trip down to the heated pool. I haven't swum in ages so enjoyed it heaps. Two of the boys decided to spend their time chasing me around the pool all afternoon with a dophin that squirted water. Thoroughly wore me out but was quite hilarious. I think one of them thought it was his right after working out we share the same birthday, he became Mr.4 and I Ms.4 for the rest of the time. Interesting moments... Chosing what to do as a Lodge Group for the Concert night (ie: a talent night) was slightly chaotic. Several of the girls were fixed on doing a dance/song thing. Andy and Jac got minorly caught up in their idea helping them out. Not being such a fan (not that I had to join them) I had a look around and saw some very un-keen faces. I followed one when she went to her room where I found her crying and fairly upset. So I had a chat to her, calmed her down and worked out who were the rest of the girls not keen on the idea and we split the group so they could do something 'more tame' - a skit that could link up with the dance. They mostly wrote it, with a little help from me. The girl that was crying got pretty excited about how to do things which was really encouraging. I know all to well what it's liked to be dragged into something you hate doing, something that deeply embarasses you, scares the pants off you and resent it for a long time. Much of my time I spent looking out for the girls who weren't so much the 'trouble' makers but more those who still wanted some leader time, and those not getting so involved. It was very worthwhile watching the reluctant ones come out of their shells and start enjoying themselves. I managed to be not quite central to the biggest issue we faced - which involved a heap of crying some lying, some real issues and a lot of emotional energy on behalf of Jacinta. To be honest the girls involved tested my patience and I don't think much sympathy would've come from my end. It is a very stuffed up world. Sonja (camp Mum) and I got along quite well and I hope I managed to be some kind of friend I guess to her rather than just another person she had to support. I hit my 'tired' wall on the last night. I was slightly surprised it wasn't earlier, despite grabbing a two hour break/sleep the day before. Sonja and I escaped the kids dancing around the dining hall and went and chatted/played fooze ball away from the noise. I believe as a whole I managed pretty well. I enjoyed myself, didn't quite get as many deeper conversations as I might of liked but I hope I encouraged those I did get to know a bit better. I dont' think a day by day run through is very possible as it is all somewhat of a surreal blur. So that's all you're pretty much going to get. I came out to my car when it was time to leave and found random notes on my car (thanks to Dan and Jerome). The drive back was beautiful, wished my camera wasn't so buried. What God did in me? I have a bit of a progression of what I was reading through the camp. Beginning with 2 Corinthians 5, God was really pushing the whole time what it means I guess what we usually dub as 'evangelism', the importance of sharing him. Which I honestly don't believe is something I've grasped or seen the extreme importance of before (there's a confession and a half, that's sort of what being a Christian is about right?). Also, Acts 2, where it talks about Paul being a Roman citizen - he appealed to who he was and it worked. I am not some jump around, go crazy out there person. I could only be who I was and live from that. This reappeared later when I was looking in 1 Corinthians. Acts 26:22 "But I have had God's help to this very day, and so I stand here and testify to small and great alike." 1 Cor 9:10 "Surely he says this for us, doesn't he? Yes, this was written for us, because when the plowman plows and the thresher threshes, they ought to do so in the hope of sharing in the harvest." 1 Cor 9 "To the weak I became weak, to win the weak. I have become all things to all men so that by all possible means I might save some. I do all this for the sake of the gospel, that I may share in its blessings." (22-23) 1 Cor 2:1-5 "When I came to you, brothers, I did not come with eloquence or superior wisdom as I proclaimed to you the testimony about God. For I resolved to know nothing while I was with you except Jesus Christ and him crucified. I came to you in weakness and fear, and with much trembling. My message and my preaching were not with wise and persuasive words, but with a demonstration of the Spirit's power, so that your faith might not rest on men's wisdom, but on God's power." 1 Cor 1:27-30 - which some of was part of one of the memory verses "But God chose the foolish things of the world to shame the wise; God chose the weak things of the world to shame the strong. He chose the lowly things of this world and the despised things—and the things that are not—to nullify the things that are, so that no one may boast before him. It is because of him that you are in Christ Jesus, who has become for us wisdom from God—that is, our righteousness, holiness and redemption." An interesting experience that has left me feeling entirely more peaceful than I have in a long time. I have been encouraged to relook at how I live my life. To spend more time with Him and more time actually doing the stuff. I got to look at how other Christians (like Andy and Jac) read, experienced, lived and saw God's word... I got home and God gave me one last thing to read from Luke, "Why do you call me, 'Lord, Lord,' and do not do what I say? I will show you what he is like who comes to me and hears my words and puts them into practice. He is like a man building a house, who dug down deep and laid the foundation on rock. When a flood came, the torrent struck that house but could not shake it, because it was well built. But the one who hears my words and does not put them into practice is like a man who built a house on the ground without a foundation. The moment the torrent struck that house, it collapsed and its destruction was complete." (46-49) And so there you go. Perhaps my foundations have been a little more cemented. I certainly hope so. It's a really exciting thing to serve God. Would I do it again? Yes. Do I need to look for areas where I can contribute positively towards the kingdom of God otherwise? Yes. I have spent far too long getting totally engulfed in theological intricacies that I forget what's really important. And thanks to Paul for suggesting that I come along, because on the selfish side of things, I really did need it aside from it just being a great opportunity to serve. **additions for things I forgot. We had an amazing race afternoon, I was running activities with Warren and Sam, so got to know them a little better. Kids got egg all over them, I purposefully didn't join in 'because I was running it'. Followed this by a BBQ and a night-time trip up to Stephenson's Falls. Beautiful! It's all lit up, I haven't been there for a long time but as far as I recall it's ten times nicer at night. The sky was so clear, I could've looked and looked. I did spend the majority of the evening trying to keep 'a campers' hands warm and we became quite good friends with the bbq as one means of doing this. One more thing worth recording. I had a very strange, what I think was a 'God dream' although nothing too much came of it. I rarely dream and if I do it's usually stupid or nightmarish. Of a camper (one I had no cause to be thinking about at all) one of the pretty quiet ones standing up the front with the rest of them, "I must speak, I must speak!" she then prophesied about well, the guy directing the camp (unfortunately I do not recall what she said) and started speaking in tongues, whereby the rest of everyone sort of joined in. I was looking on and 'testing' the weirdness of it and found it okay... just a really strange, amazing dream. There was another part to the dream which is actually what I remembered first - I only ever dream good things about that person (and it's flipping confusing). But the rest was oh so clear. Extremely strange but it came with the 'that was a good thing' feeling when it woke me up around 4:30am. I ended up telling Jac and Andy about it in the morning and we prayed for the girl I dreamt about... I didn't see anything come of it, who knows. And that'll do for now, unless I remember anything later.

How now brown cow?

Hello all. It was a supremely good time! Very challenged Most fantastic time, holiday'ish to be out of the 'norm' despite being run flat out for the past six days. I really didn't have any time to think - which was a GOOD thing because my brain wanted the break. Extremely tired. maybe I should go away more often, I like getting 20+ emails and having some ridiculous 170+ blog entries to catch up on (or ditch).

Au Revoir or just a plain old See you later

Cheerio. I'm off now or soon or soonish. Don't expect blogs for a few days, at least until Thursday 22nd and that'd be pushing it. I dare say all I'll want to do is sleep. Prayer would be great for the kids, the leaders etc...

Striped Pyjamas

I've been wondering what I will blog. I could give the run down of the day. I could elaborate extensively on a couple of bits of reading that Tim shoved my way last night. I could talk about some discussion we had at young adults last night. I could romanticise the whole, 'sit and write' thing and pretend for a little while that I'm not sitting in a once again messy room. I could go through how I'm minorly freaked out about leading on this camp and then throw mental ropes back to some past thing about why I am like I am. I could attempt to explore a verse I've come across at least twice tonight. Or I could give you the whole lot. Chronology is a simple technique. Perhaps I'll just give bits and pieces of whatever eventuates... Most of the young adults talk I found drew back to what we are doing in terms of being a group. What direction do we want it to take. It was maybe not exactly the intended purpose of the evening but it came up fairly significantly through some meandering discussion that tangented far too much for my comfort but was still positive. We have a spent a goodly amount of time discussing the Holy Spirit and now about direction that we as a group should be going. Collective desire (generalising) as I see it, is to look at the early church. Go back to Acts etc. Read up. Live it a bit more. Good. Fine. Cool. Talk wove around this a little with a few pushing the idea fairly strongly, several giving examples of how yes in principle it's good thing, warnings on how it can be taken too far etc. Laura mentioned Jesus. Funny that. We had all but decided to go and spend the next while looking at Acts and me with this uncomfortable feeling that had stuck with me, had a very brief and focused discussion with Jess H - whom I was sitting next to. Understand that I find it quite difficult to work out exactly how I want to say something and would prefer to get everything I want spoken out there rather than just a few choice morsels (or leftovers) that make it out my mouth with good stuff left behind. One on one's or small groups I find easier. Jess persisted in making my words known as she does with most everyone, and started possibly not quite expressing exactly what I would've liked - which basically called for preventive action which means I opened my mouth, shut it and they made continue. It had not been brushed over exactly and I'm sure things would've been fine spending time looking at the early church and how they did things. I think I was more satisfied that I'd uncovered what's been bothering me about this kind of thing. The early church to me is a good example, but it is not where we should go to get our model from. They were responding to the life and teachings (if you want to call it that), the person of Jesus and working out with I'm sure much trepidation how to live life as Christians in their world. Individually (Personally) I'd prefer to go back and look at the 'radical' way Jesus lived first before the 'radical' way they did it. I am as much in doubt about any of this as to finding some kind of 'way forward', I'm entirely positive that looking at the early church is a reasonable place to work from. Anyway somehow my "personal" I've found the light switch to a past dilema, was taken on board by me voicing my disquiet and we are starting by looking at the gospel of Luke and Jesus in his Ministry before we tackle Acts. Coolness for me because it's how I'd like to do it. I'm not really sure how it's going to work, but hey something's bound to come together. On this, one part of the Bible does not carry more weight to me than others, but I guess I find Jesus just a better starting point... I just hope that the above doesn't sound too snobby. I like being right, perhaps it was just common sense, perhaps it was the Holy Spirit, there are some things - those with wider implications that I'd rather not be held responsible for. ...hmm just found this:

"Consequently, you are no longer foreigners and aliens, but fellow citizens with God's people and members of God's household, built on the foundation of the apostles and prophets, with Christ Jesus himself as the chief cornerstone. In him the whole building is joined together and rises to become a holy temple in the Lord." - Ephesians 2:19-21

interesting. cor·ner·stone also corner stone 1. A stone at the corner of a building uniting two intersecting walls; a quoin. 2. Such a stone, often inscribed, laid at a ceremony marking the origin of a building. Something that Tim gave me to read last night was on Community. I'm guessing it's pertinent to continue down that line now that I've mentioned part of what's going on in what has become my primary community. So I have this photocopied six pages or so of a chapter from what I've worked out to be an M. Scott Peck book. A psychologist - Tim - go figure! A footnote mentions the common process of community as what we discussed some time last year with Rowan. Forming, Storming, Norming, Performing. We are technically a very 'baby' community. Perhaps it's a good thing to acknowledge the 'cornerstone' first in our beginnings. Our young adults group is made up of about 25 thereabouts and the majority are fairly new to the church. We have 'bonded' in some way or means very quickly. I respect and love everyone in the group and I am entirely astounded that it seems to work so well despite a vast range of personalities. In some way it seems too good to be true, but I think God has bought me from where I've needed to see something 'that good' to understand it is possible beyond the very tempoary domain that Year in the Son gave me. I have not yet had the privaliage of hearing others stories about what they've come through or from. That will come. My favourite memory of the last community experience I had (YITS) and probably will remain a favourite for the rest of my life would have been the evening up at Marysville where I found a full, terrifying and wonderful experience of true community. Oddly enough Peck describes a similar situation,

"When its death has been completed, open and empty, the group enters community. In this final stage a soft quietness descends. It is a kind of peace. The room is bathed in peace. Then, quietly, a member begins to talk about herself. She is being very vulnerable. She is speaking of the deepest part of herself. The group hangs on each word. No one realised she was capable of such eloquence. When she is finished there is a hush. It goes on a long time. But it does not seem long. There is no uneasiness in this silence. Slowly out of the silence, another member begins to talk. He too is speaking very deeply, very personally, about himself. He is not trying to respond to her. It's not about she but he who is the subject. Yet the other members of the group do not sense he has ignored her. What they feel is that it is as if he is laying himself down next to her on an altar... ...If it is so channeled, life in community may touch upon something perhaps even deeper than joy. There are a few who repeatedly seek out brief experiences of community as if such episodes were some sort of 'fix'. This is not to be decried. We all need 'fixes' of joy in our lives. But what repeatedly draws me into community is something more. When I am with a group of human beings commited to hanging in there through both the agony and the joy of community, I have a dim sense that I am participating in a phenomenon for which there is only one word. I almost hesitate to use it. The word is "glory"."

I do hope and pray that despite our apparent closeness as a group and how it 'works so well' will deepen. We have a long way to go yet. There is no point continuing if we cannot grow together. I am encouraged when like last night I was requested something pretty simple from James. "When you get back, let us know how it goes with the kiddies". Nice to know people around you have some kind of interest in your life. Tomorrow evening I am driving up to the ESA campsite to lead on a junior camp for a week. This can explain my absence on the blogging side of things. I'm not sure quite what posessed me to agree to going along. Probably because Paul, 'needed more female leaders' and I think he's a pretty cool person and worth helping out. What I face now is that, I haven't lead anything kids related (except one short hour with Terry's Tucker Kids) for at least two years. I am not the most comfortable doing so. I feel majorly awkward about it. I don't find it the easiest thing to get down, be silly and I guess 'be a kid'. It's funny, when I think about it. The day we flew back to Australia was probably the day I stopped 'playing' in any particular sense of the word. Yes I was fifteen and I sure hope I grew up a bit before then, but I still enjoyed certain aspects of things I would probably not feel all to comfortable in doing now. It's not so much 'being a kid' that I'll have to revert to - please no haha. Or you'll have a bossy loud-mouthed little girl who always strives to get her own way. More the fact that I'll have the opportunity and almost the requirement (if I am to be at all involved) to let go and have a bit of fun. I am full of theories, and thoughts and ideas, I like to laugh, I can on the odd occasion be funny even, but fun, letting lose, being enthusiastic etc. when I'm really being truthful is something I find very difficult. So there you go. Next week will be a challenge. ...and to explain the blog title? Well you might just have to hope Analise blogs on that. Because I'm through.

Goodbye Einstein

I suppose I'd better do a 'credit the goldfish' post. I flushed a rather dead, less orange than before Einstein (one of my fish) the other night. I had two fish both of which I'm rather impressed they've lasted so long, almost two years! I rarely feed them now and forget to clean the tank (or remember but just can't be bothered). To be really honest, I've been kind of hoping they'd die so I can reclaim some desk space - the tank I have is pretty big. Archimedes the white fish lives on. Am I really that cruel?

A changing risk

I made some rash promise back in the last post to investigate 'change'. Now I have to backtrack and regurgiate some thoughts from Sunday and guess what, it's Tuesday! My memory is not that good. Anyway as I'm a dilligent brain on a body, I take notes during the sermon (to be really truthful it's only because I can't concentrate very well any other way). The problem was this week I don't think I added any extra Bec thoughts to the steady stream of Rob's - I just thought them. How typical. So I might just have to rethink them. It's 11:30 already, so we'll just have to see how it pans out. Change. Definitely not a foreign topic. Love it, hate it. Know it back to front. Aside from the 'patience' dilema, change has probably been the biggest pain in the butt to date. I hope I've made some kind of peace with the thing because I am certainly of the opinion that it can only be good for us, as well as right and even Godly (in the correct context). I do not particularly wish to restate my whole life history (critical incidents part 2 might give some insight and this past post on change) but change plays a pretty violent part in most mk's lives and at least has some kind of role in everyone elses. It did not surprise me too much on Sunday when the data projector threw up 'Safety and Uncertainty' and Rob commenced his spiel, considering that's a little of what the church is going through at the moment. I suppose what I really want to talk about here is not change but risk - which is what often needs to come when change is involved. As many of you might know, I'm not perhaps the biggest of risk takers particularly when it comes to things that might have some kind of painful aftereffect. I could psycho-analyse it back to various childhood incidents, but for the sake of not boring either of us I wont - nor would it be useful and would probably sound like a big fat collection of excuses. Not to entirely box myself as a self-coddled individual - I've probably come in leaps and bounds since I started realising you do have to act in order to provoke, grow and move with change. I've taken more risks than I would've liked the past few years. Familiarity is a word that I guess associates itself quite well with both change and risk. I think the difference is that we probably have less control over change and far more over risk. There is a definite proactivity about risk. The proactive nature of it all is quite a call when you look at it from the God angle. Risk involves exercising some kind of courage - which means there has to be fear there (however deeply buried) or it would not be courageous and hence there's got to be trust. Be it hopefully in God. I am entirely thinking outloud but if we let risk play a part in our lives as Christians, surely this is a way of living as God wants us to, an act of worship even. Dependance upon God is a way of acknowledging his utimate control. Despite the thoroughly cliched nature of Psalm 23 - I happen to like it excessively and as it sits on the bottom of my cupboard door I can read it (Message version) from my bed. I like it as much for what it says about God as for the typical reassurance means. The non-risk taking part of me still often gets over-ruled by the 'I like a challenge' part of me. Yes, I'm a walking contradiction. So the challenge I think God's been trying to get through to me lately is to allow a bit more of the risk element in. Challenge lets me stretch myself a bit, but still probably resides somewhat in control. Then again perhaps it's all the same thing? Whatever the case, Saftey doesn't get you very far. I don't think we were made to live particularly 'safe' lives. I don't think we can call ourselves Christians and be passive, cling to 'the promises of God' and 'never do anything' people. I don't think we can be too settled, or too complacent. Our home is with God yes, we do need to sometimes, "Be still and know", but it's going to be a lot harder to know God when things never alter, when we never find the need for Him. A beautiful balance of revelling in what we know of God and a decent kick up the but to actually live like we know who God is with the life we've been given. Psalm 84 speaks fairly decently about trust. Go and read it. It's been late night ramble and I'm not even sure if it came to any particular point. So I'm curious to hear from you if you have more thoughts on this.

Good food good friends

You think I'd go and do something useful, but this caught my eye over on Katie's blog and as test ettiquette goes, I complied. Now I just have to go look up more of 'what the heck' it's about.

Eysenck's Test Results

Extraversion (42%) moderately low which suggests you are reclusive, quiet, unassertive, and private. Neuroticism (42%) moderately low which suggests you are relaxed, calm, secure, and optimistic. Psychoticism (45%) medium medium which suggests you are moderately self interested, willful, and difficult, while still respecting the well being of others.

Take Eysenck Personality Test (similar to EPQ-R) personality tests by similarminds.com I was meant to go and spend some time this afternoon with Katie, but unfortuantely that didn't happen. I worked out it might not be the best idea after I woke up at some horrendously late hour after a really terrible night's sleep - where I quite literally took over two hours to find that point of unconciousness. Sometimes I should just get over being stubborn and go ahead and take the 'easy' means. (Cold and Flu or equivalent). Still coughing whatever isn't lung up. So after getting moving, thought I'd better stick around and appease mum by actually doing some work (ebay stuff) - I didn't get to that until later either. I was going to blog about change after hearing a sermon around it on Sunday, I may yet get to it. Tonight feels very much like it requires a movie of some kind. Paul has been rather sick and so has had to pull out of ESA'ing, which leaves me knowing no one really, so it'll be a curious week up there - I'm junior camp leading. I can't say I haven't done the 'know no one' before so I'll be okay. It is a pity though. I can only hope I'm well enough myself to get some decent sleep before Friday rolls around. Last night Dad and I went to the hospital to visit my Oma, who is in rehab (and has been for a while). Arny and Kathy (Uncle/Aunt) were there and we had a look at their China photos - lucky things went on another 'world trip'. They copped a lot of terrible weather and general pollution so it looks mostly smoggy and not quite as you'd expect. My Aunty Kathy is fantastic - I think I'll just say that, no particular context. I got to Mark's (Luskies) around 8:30. I can't help but wonder if the dynamic changes when someone else walks into the room. Who was there (good old record keeping): Clacy, Iain, Luskie, Dan, Elyce, Alecia... and Jess was meant to come later. I don't know what the boys were doing with all the food so late, but I somehow ended up with a big bowl of pasta (to share with Lex) and consumed far more than I should've. It was extremely good! Iain was kind enough to cut me a piece of pizza 'small but not too small' on about the third try. We went up-stairs and shot ducks, laughed at old Bible playstation (or equivalent) games and talked. Enjoyable time. I think I managed to have a bit of a chat to everyone there. Always a bonus! Got home early enough to placate a certain parental who's been a tad narky about things lately. I like these people lots and lots and time spent with them is better than sitting at home infront of a stupid screen or a book - however interesting. ....on the books note. I read The Little Prince by Antoine de Saint-Exupery today. The fact that my jaw was open the whole time has to be saying something. It's not very long and it's a classic that's easy to read as it was written for kids (supposedly), so DO bother. I don't know how many philosophical points you could pull out of it but 'wow' was screaming off the pages.

It's Over

In true teen girl squad style, "It's Over!" Left the exam half an hour early. It was pretty much like the past two years exams, easy - although I dare say I could've explained dithering better. I am in no doubt that I passed and probably didn't do too badly. I did the 30 multiple choice questions in about five minutes - see the level I have to stoop to! :P Driving home, exhaustion entirely kicked in. I think being sick, last night and general all round stress has probably taken it's toll. I've got a few days now to fully recover before ESA. I will be hopefully doing a lot of sleeping before then. Despite the 'head can no longer think about anything besides 'I hurt'' the lure of people is too much and I should be heading off briefly tonight to catch up with a few of the yits crew. At Luskies house for once, instead of Jess's. I have to first go visit my Oma and used the tactful, "I will leave by 10:00pm" - as my home hours have been none too pleasing to mum the past few days. One day she'll work it out. One of the things I forgot to mention, was Saturday night, Laura and I trouped off to Geoffs to have an evening of playing cards. Cards were fairly non-existant except for a poker set. So we played that instead. So besides us, Analise, Anita, Mark, Josh and a guy called Simon. I have only played once before (with you Tony, Iain and co at Tabor one Wednesday) and I wasn't ever taught properly. Anyway I definitely must have gotten the hang of it, because I ended up winning - although Josh might've but declined the last few rounds to go watch the soccer. I was as croaky as anything, but still managed to enjoy myself. I'm fairly sure Analise still doesn't really know the rules. ;P So. No more thinking about anything mildly study related unless I want to (fat chance) for almost 5 weeks. Let the holidays begin!

Left and forward

My exam is at 2pm today. I technically should be studying, which I have been doing - but I can't say it's gotten any less dry. I am still coughing what shouldn't be in my lungs out and my left side (shoulder/ribs) is feeling a bit sore- which I think means I did actually hit the door. Just got a message from Ana saying she has my camera. Hooray! I was having some curious ideas over 'what's next' for me after being rather intrusive and asking some 'why don't you' questions to a friend last night. It seems I should take, or at least seriously think about what it is I really want (study/career/to do) at the moment, instead of trying to think so much future wise, which can be a good thing but not always. Anyway. Chucking the trowel on my current uni course before I finish the year is not any longer, not an option despite the completer finisher monster that lives inside my brain. That saying there is still much planning and thinking and praying to be done. I have also weighed up the course I was looking into doing (Profressional Writing) and worked out perhaps that maybe I shouldn't be going there just yet. I could not go and work full time or I think I'd die of boredom. It's come up a few times recently and gotten me thinking - teaching, which was always the backburner plan, and truth be known based on those who know me, I'd probably be okay at it. I'd only go do it post-grad - so that's a long term possibility. In the meantime. Tabor (ie: more theological stuff) is looking extremely appealing. I always wanted to go back. I learnt oh so much each day there and I miss that level of engaging my brain. I am what, 20 and I get the chance to change my career 5 more times (statistically not practically) why shouldn't I go do something vaguely impractical in terms of career for the moment? Earning big dollars has never been a draw card. NB: Nothing is settled, I have barely started looking into it. I could well be doing BIM for the rest of the years or the next 2.5. Ideas ideas. And more for the few of you who care about Rebecca's seemingly fickle brain to get annoyed about. Prayer would be good. And I should probably get back to reading over those notes and my text book again...

Car trouble

It's inevitable that I was going to blog about it so... Church this morning. A fair few of the young adults went on up to Dan's place - he lives in the sticks, beautiful but still the sticks (I mean more sticks than where I live). So Analise, Susannah and I sqaushed into Ana's old yellow Gemini and picked the most direct route in the Melways (okay maybe I was responsible for that). We wound up on this dirt road which was fine, but the road we turned up on to got fairly terrible (steep and rough) fairly fast. Geoff's car appeared behind us so we figured we were going the right way. Ana stalled on the hill and we wound up on a rather strange angle after having reveresed to get out of hi's way. So with a tree behind us, the car almost sideways off a rather large water carved hole, and the wheels spinning there wasn't much option except to push. Geoff came back once he realised we hadn't made it and with us helping, managed on about the fourth time to get out of the problem spot. Needless to say we decided not to try again and picked another road. Very enjoyable lunch (thanks Dan) and coffee/tea (thanks Tim) and chatting (thanks All). Watched the Incredibles - which is one of the few cartoons I enjoy rather a lot. Ended up sticking around for dinner. We were following Geoff and Tom on the way home and Analise managed to not quite stop in time at a roundabout (road's wet) and I had the enjoyable experience of watching a 4wd coming directly for her side of the car. Time did it's usual 'trauma' trick and slowed enough for me to realise that yes it was definitely going to hit and no this wasn't going to be so good but not really slow enough for me to react in any particular way. It's a strange thing feeling a car jerk unnaturally sideways. I am convinced I watched something shatter - which must have been the mirror. Analise and I swore pretty much the same time after the hit and I guessed by her tone that she wasn't so much hurt but more, 'Damn I just smashed my car'. Susannah must have said something, she was behind me so not on the side of impact or I didn't really think too much about her (Sorry Susannah!). First reasonable thing (if it was that) that came out of my mouth was, "Where's Geoff and Tom?" The people that hit us got out and did the 'Are you okay, are you insured?' thing. I got out straight away while Ana was talking with them and tried calling Geoff's phone. No reception. Geoff and Tom didn't hear it happen but actually came back once they realised we weren't following them. Which was good and I'm quite thankful for. All the details were exchanged and Tom's phone had reception so we got on to various parents. Which of course meant tactfully saying the least worrying thing. Waited around for about half an hour in the cold, musing about the 'gawkers' checking out the scene, before Ana's parents showed up. Geoff dropped us others home. I can't speak for the other two but no one was really hurt, although we were all a little bit shaken. Ana hit her head but not very hard, Susannah was fine, I was fine - although when I got home I worked out my left wrist's a little sore so I probably hit the door. The car lost it's mirror, smashed some of the plastic window guard has an impressive dent just before the front door, which doesn't close very well and pretty well lost the tyre off the hub on my side. If the other vehichle was going any faster or hit further back there would've been a lot more damage done and Ana probably would've hit more than just her head. When I got home I realised I left my camera on the floor of her car - which will probably be there overnight, so not too impressed about that. But there you go. First car accident I've ever been in. Glad I wasn't the one driving. And oh look, I have an exam tomorrow...

Jessica

My lovely friend Jessica had her farewell today. I made her a cake. I really should've taken something drug wise before I went - I thought I could get away with it as I managed to sleep without last night (even though it took me about 2hrs to get there). But I was very blah indeed which wasn't great, but I thankfully get to see her again on Thursday before she goes! I was going back through photos when I got home and remembering all the fantastic times we've spent together. (Instead of studying) Jess and I got to know eachother during a very cringe worthy art class back in Year 10 - so, 2002. Where we banded within the same friendship group - evenutually and hung out with eachother and Ana/Jacqui/Nat and co. for the next few years. Went on Schoolies and our 'repeat holiday' together. Have encouraged eachother (well I know she has me) and been surprisingly good at keeping eachother on our toes. I have greatly and still greatly appreciate Jess and find her friendship quite refreshing (ergh how else to say this, we are both rather opinionated people but still managed to get along), the majority of my other friends tend to be the complying type :P I like the change rather a lot. Not sure if you still read this Jess, but you are utterly fantastic and there's so much more I could say. I will miss you immensely.

The ebay phenomenon

Dance with glee? Yesterday's Grug books bought in $71 - all cool (really cool). but another book. ONE book. $76!!!!! People are insane and I like them very much for being so - the cut I get covers my petrol with some to spare. This beats working traditionally.

Blergh

I love being sick. You get to stay in your pyjamas all day. You get to lie comfortably in bed. You get treated superbly. You don't have to do anything but rest. (unfortunately that's all a lie)

On the heights

Whoo hoo this is quite funny in light of being medicated: "The Sovereign LORD is my strength; he makes my feet like the feet of a deer, he enables me to go on the heights. For the director of music. On my stringed instruments. ”- Habakkuk 3:19" Dad was nice and went down and got me some of the blue pills (as opposed to the red ones (the only other choice is orange) - sorry Matrix fans). I haven't taken them yet, but I can assure you I will be definitely doing so. Amazing Race final tonight. Sad girl. But hey it's the only TV that I watch. Emily should be amusing to watch if the Hippies don't win. And the Haigs has a small crew with her this evening cooking something for a school thing - pity, or I'd go make some chocolate cake. Letter will be posted by tomorrow so ESA and the Police can confirm I'm not a criminal. I didn't leave the house- so much for the intention of getting it sent off today. Some study happened, but not much, I was pretty out of it. All the Multimedia/Technology acronyms started looking like this: KLSHEOINEMWOK and meant about the same.

Weird

Here's to a full blown whatever that requires cold and flu tablets. Sleep wasn't happening too well last night. If I could find the 'night-time' ones some of you would be in for unusual msn conversations. Muahhaha. My they're fun. The day-time ones aren't. Codine and the like does REALLY strange things to me. I currently feel somewhat like my head is detached from my body and I don't think I'm very able to concentrate. Great for studying. Absoultely fantastic.

Oh look they're human after all

On the suggestion of someone tonight I might be looking through the book of Acts the next little while. This from the end of chapter one - basically saying how they replaced Judas as a leader... Read away:

"20"For," said Peter, "it is written in the book of Psalms,

" 'May his place be deserted; let there be no one to dwell in it,'^[d] and, " 'May another take his place of leadership.'^[e] 21Therefore it is necessary to choose one of the men who have been with us the whole time the Lord Jesus went in and out among us, 22beginning from John's baptism to the time when Jesus was taken up from us. For one of these must become a witness with us of his resurrection."

23So they proposed two men: Joseph called Barsabbas (also known as Justus) and Matthias. 24Then they prayed, "Lord, you know everyone's heart. Show us which of these two you have chosen 25to take over this apostolic ministry, which Judas left to go where he belongs." 26Then they cast lots, and the lot fell to Matthias; so he was added to the eleven apostles."

To find it mildly ironic in our 'choice of leadership' - which was something high on the discussion agenda tonight although Judas is no comparison to anyone much. The disciples prayed and they ended up casting lots. It just makes them seem a heck of a lot more human. Sometimes we haven't a clue. I don't think casting lots is really a good way to go about things though - seems a bit erm, divination like? Who knows 1am theology probably isn't too good.

Frustrations

There is no way I'm going to bed just yet, well I'm sitting in it but sleep's not exactly an option, despite having a sore throat, sneezing and feeling generally not impressed about the evening. Someone (one of you readers once upon a time) asked how to push my buttons, as generally I'm a relatively easy going person. I don't know when the 'easier going thing happened' because there was definitely a long period there of being extremely vocal about what annoyed me, what 'wasn't right', what didn't revolve around me and so forth. Perhaps I grew up a bit. NB the 'generally' because I have no way worked everything out and the fuse can get really really short. A 'how to' guide on frustrating Rebecca would possibly (definitely) include the following: ...erm perhaps it's when my character gets called into question? I don't know how much I'm interpreting what this person was trying to clarify but wow it didn't feel good. I can't help but think back to the 'Reformer' post. * Basic Fear: Of being corrupt/evil, defective * Basic Desire: To be good, to have integrity, to be balanced Integrity is something that blows the roof of importance with me. However blunt I am, however direct or forward or even sometimes picked as 'rude' there are places I just wont go. And it makes me pretty mad when people even vaguely point to something they have overanalysed into existance that does cross into that area. I find it really difficult when people think the world is out to get them - or at least 'everyone in the world'. That and when people try and try to find the hidden meanings behind what someone said when there ISN'T anything. Who does really try to layer all they say? It's unreasonable - except if you happen to be trying your darndest to make some kind of obsucure literary joke. By all means clarify but don't let it fester and elaborate and grow and argh! We all have our short comings, but super insecure people truly get to me sometimes. Other frustrations of the evening (and the above btw was an extrapolated version of something fairly minor - it illustrated the principle and nicely allowed me to define it - something hasn't annoyed me quite that personally in a while). Pen leaked in my bag, all over my phone, onto the Velvet Elvis book which is pretty much all white etc... Not happy. The last book a pen leaked over was also a good one, and also nearly all white but not new like this one is - just my luck. We get to Young Adults and so and so starts talking about having a time to process or whatever about Pete and Kathy moving on. Perhaps I was in a 'be irritated' mood - but I guess I didn't go this evening wanting to think about it. I'm very tired of having to be inovative, directional and it's like stuck into the core of me somewhere. It frustrates me more when there is a blank space there for 'anything goes'. People talk and talk and talk and grab a puny idea that is good theoretically but not in practice and want to talk about it for hours and can't see the practical ramifications (ok so totally thinking along something else now). I'd rather see things hit some kind of conclusion. I prefer descisions to be made. I hate living in the inbetween zone. I don't even know how this relates to what went on tonight (and don't get me wrong, it was good) but but... it's hard to be content as a 'team player' when you want to push things forward (but don't know where to) and hard to do the leader thing when you're tired of it and having to think about it elsewhere - at the same time I'm not content with just sitting back. Passivity is the scourge... and now Im rambling and ranting and I don't know what or how it all relates. Something about tonight really got up my nose (besides what's making me sneeze).

Back there

Some of you know that after quitting my job I am now in a 'hobby/business' partnership with my Mum selling (mainly) kids books on ebay. Anyway for about 20 listings last week I got about $100 - which is as much as I was getting with my previous job excluding travel costs and time specific settings. So I'm pretty happy. I'm even more happy to see that some Grug books I have up at the moment have passed the $70 mark - this is for three small, a little worse for wear paperback picture books. HipHooray! People are stupid when they want something that bad. A very sore throat has also returned. It seems that 2006 is the year for getting sick. This would be me reaching the 5 times or so and it's only just turned June. Disappointing. I wound up at Tabor today. Quite intentionally. I have to get a refree for an ESA junior camp I'm leading on soon. Rowan was busy but I managed to locate Tilla. Oh was it good to see her! So she wrote nice stuff on my form and I had a true Caf style 'chicken burrito' lunch. Ran into Marko and Clare (unfortunately didn't get to see Matt). Had lunch with Clare and April and some other girl. I stayed and used the library to study - which was a supremely good idea. And if anyone fires an acronym at me I think I'll blow it - multimedia is so choked with them. I took half an hour or so out of study and went to Gathering (or Chapel or whatever you like to call it). It was a nice feeling to be back - but very different. More study and as I was leaving ran in to catch Rowan. He looked really tired. Last day of the semester for the '06 YITS Crew. Said hi to Chrissy, Gabby and Dylan. A good time to pray for them (if you happen to know any - or even if you don't) the mid-year break was a difficult one for almost everyone and the tradition I'm sure keeps up. Very productive, enjoyable day. Young Adults tonight. Three cheers for everything being vaguely social. Perhaps I am an extrovert afterall!

Purpose Take 2

I'm not too sure where to start with this, probably because I'm not exactly sure where it's going to go. It's difficult to formulate words, particulary to provide some kind of context when the context is a mixed up combination of conversation, situation, what you've read, what God's been showing you and telling you and what conclusions you've drawn from that when it all stems from so much more. I don't think I'd be too wrong in making a wild stab that a lot of people in my age bracket (and I've only tasted the very start of the 'twenties' zone), okay probably from about the age 18 up (or even younger) that we are all on this funny round about, frustrating, curve of working out a) who we are b) what we are meant to be doing and the sum total, the frightening, seemingly unatainable definition of PURPOSE and what the means for us. Whoever we happen to be. I did the other night, and frequently do throw the icing over the cake of defining purpose as, "What am I doing with my life?" - or more, "What am I not doing with my life, I'm so damn frustrated because it feels like I'm sitting here being a bum and not doing anything worthwhile." The icing is never the best bit. The word document I opened last night in order to rant and conclude in, produced a very short statement that got no further than: "I want to be part of something bigger than myself" I don't think it was meant to get further. It was certainly not eloquent nor something I'd start of writing in order to share. It was and is a want. I get the idea that it's something in the core of being human. I also think it can be extremely selfish. Ironically. Technically (or scrap that word as it's too steel and concrete). We are part of something far bigger than ourselves. We often forget it. We often choose to ignore it. We often try to alter it to suit and make us feel good. We try to redefine it. We try to fit ourselves perfectly within a corner of it. We like order, control and knowing what, when, who, how, when and why. What frustrated me in regards to 'purpose' is that I know perfectly well the above. I know that God's working out of us and around us and over us this thing we choose to dob 'plan'. Yet I still distinctly want to know my role, I want immediate gratification or at least the clear lead up to it, I want (even if I hit one of those unhuman humility points) to see results even if they are God's. It's the 'knowing' I've played a bit, been available etc. (ie: It's really not humble at all). My conversation the other night led its way into how I concluded that life for me now is very much less about shaping me (which is what last year was quite distinctly about) and more about what I guess I in a round about way coined, 'living it'.

"How do you work out purpose? The chief end of man is to... glorify God right? Yeah. but what's that going to look like? I can love God all I like from my mind and my words, but what kind of life is that? I'm not doing anything?" "I spent last year, the year before that even doing the character refining stuff, the focus thing. Sure its always going to be happening, but I'm terribly sick of just focusing on myself. It was good, it was hard, it was amazing, challenging, horrible, wonderful but it's like that season is in some way over... It's like I've smoothed out the bigger things and now I (with God) just have to work on the smaller things - but they aren't so much blocking the way, just things that will ease out with time, with experience, with God. Yet if Im totally fixated on the smaller things, I'm missing a whole lot more."

It's disturbing when the 'Do' gets in the way because it hauls in 'I' with it. Something stuck out quite distinctly at me from Velvet Elvis (Rob Bell) this evening. It's a bit strange that it hadn't properly come up before in my 'purpose thinkings'. It's a concept that I grasped at some stage last year and it was one of those gold, turn the lights on moments. Not one of those you should forget. I have pottered for a long time around characer refinement and I was struck quite speechless the other day around something my sister Emily said. "Sometimes your awareness doesn't help" (Context was that of the totally mundane, "You have to wipe the table after you've cleared it!", "I'm aware of that", "Sometimes your awareness doesn't help.") It is a fantastic thing to pursue God in working at recognising how we should live but unfortunately we (I in this case) forget something rather fundamental. And this is what I'd forgotten,

"The issue then isn't beating myself up over all of the things I am not doing or the things I am doing poorly; the issue is my learning of who this person is who God keeps insisting I already am. Notice these words from the letter to the Philippians: "Let us live up to what we have already attained." (3:16) There is this person who we already are in God's eyes. And we are learning to live like it's true." - Rob Bell (Velvet Elvis p.143)

I don't think it's a mistake that our 'purpose' so to speak is wrapped up so tightly in our identity. We were and are made in the image of our Creator. "For in him we live and move and have our being." - Acts 17:28 It is still and will continue to be frustrating at times in wanting to know the purpose that fits the dictionary definition of, "To intend or resolve to perform or accomplish." There is the other definiton though and that is, "The object toward which one strives or for which something exists." We are called as Solomon concludes to, "Fear God and keep his commandments" (Ecc12:13) Our lives might just be working out how to do that. and if you need more to think about, "Why blame the dark for being dark? It is far more helpful to ask why the light isn't as bright as it could be."

Lake

Sometimes I am entirely convinced that photographs lie. The lake (left) didn't look quite that beautiful in person, although I think I might have happened to catch a good moment. I sat for almost 2hrs in the car park in an attempt to get away from home distractions. It worked, but after that much of reading through bits and pieces and questions from my text book - exam study was just as unappealing as it is anywhere. So around 3pm I decided to take advantage of the standard 'round the lake' path and did just that. Had a cold but good walk/run and managed to get a few photos of the cormorants that seem to be perptually showing off. The birds must either be extremely territorial or just very used to people as I managed to get quite close - despite the clacking of angry bird noises. A much better way to spend an afternoon. My exam is next Monday so I still have a bit of time left, the fact that I skipped a fair few of the last lectures isn't probably much credit but I don't think it's going to be to bad judging on the past two years papers.

Purpose

Tonight I think it's probably worth linking backwards to this post as I can relate again very well to the Chesire Cat's words. "If you don't know where you're going, it doesn't matter which way you go." – Lewis Caroll (The Cheshire Cat) I had a rather ranty conversation (if you can call it that) with Tony around purpose. Of which for me at the moment is close to non-existant. And my head's really done in so I'll have to complete this some other time.

Without

For the person who wanted to see me without my extra two and very needed glass eyes ;) As you will see this (left) was taken on towel day so it's not that old and I took it for a facial recognition thingo I believe. and theres another erm... one I quite like, more um, arty I guess. *What chaos ensued from posting these! The beauty of it being another asking the exact same question that started this ball rolling, "Do you like your glasses?" Followed by a rather amusing discussion around identity which I got to listen in to. Do I like my glasses? Well to say one thing I have absoultely zero choice in wearing them - I really do have to or I'm oh so blind it's not funny. I think I have simply accepted them as part of my life and it's never really been a huge deal. I would've gotten glasses when I was about 10 and probably needed them before that. As for contacts, that does happen to be next on the agenda. Considering I'm due to go get my eyes checked/new glasses I was planning months ago on getting them (if my eyes are suitable). Why? It's not that I feel like I'm something lesser *snigger* as one of you hypothesied in a round about way, it's more that I'd like a change. To be honest the if the response is anything like a few reactions to those photos, it freaks me out slightly. I prefer to blend into oblivion (okay not always). Self image issues fortunately have been muchly avoided by an overactive mind and I don't know what else - I can't give the secrets away when I don't know them. I'm grateful for it and I've been informed that it's really rare. So I'll take that as a compliment and leave you to work out who exactly is the deglassed Rebecca by yourself. Anyway for those who ACTUALLY THOUGHT IT WAS A DIFFERENT PERSON STARING AT YOU FROM THE BLOG PAGE AND HAD TO READ TO SEE WHO, there's another up on flickr, which my or may not look any more like me.

Theological Worldview

Well, it's going around. This is what I got without thinking too hard about the questions: You scored as Emergent/Postmodern. You are Emergent/Postmodern in your theology. You feel alienated from older forms of church, you don't think they connect to modern culture very well. No one knows the whole truth about God, and we have much to learn from each other, and so learning takes place in dialogue. Evangelism should take place in relationships rather than through crusades and altar-calls. People are interested in spirituality and want to ask questions, so the church should help them to do this.

Emergent/Postmodern 71% Evangelical Holiness/Wesleyan 68% Neo orthodox 61% Classical Liberal 39% Reformed Evangelical 39% Fundamentalist 32% Charismatic/Pentecostal 25% Modern Liberal 25% Roman Catholic 21% What's your theological worldview? created with QuizFarm.com

So there you go, a bit of Bretho influence in there perhaps?