allsaidanddone

Tuesday, January 31, 2006

Deep Thought

Looks like the big thought never came. Not onto paper nor about the thing it was going to be about anyway. Please pray for me to get into a church/circle of friends where I can really be challenged, and maybe find someone vaguely mentorish again. I feel rather isolated in that respect. I should have my P's by the first week of March - although I have to go to Burwood now instead of Monbulk. Will have suceeded in getting them before I'm 20. It's a start.

Climbing fences

Big thoughts postponed. I have been considering reminding Sam of something we were going to do ages ago: walk from where we are to the Woori Yallock Pub (at least that far, and then stop for lunch - I've been once and it's got this stunning view. I want to go back). So I was 'researching' it and it's a fair bit further than I originally thought - 16kms apparently. Mind you that takes you to the Woori Yallock Station which I think is further along. This still leaves me with the big unknown of, can you get up from the trail to the pub? You can see the trail from the verandah, but there it's seperated by several paddocks potentially non-scurt-throughable. And after several hours of walking that would definitely be a disappointment. I will (if we ever do it) arrange to be picked up the other end. It would be torturous to go all the way back. It is times like this where I wish I owned a bike as it would make things a lot easier. But alas I do not, and frankly it doesn't really make it on my 'to get' priority list. *edit: on my travels (online) I found some websites to cry about. SkyHigh's website is none too inspiring which is a big pity because it can be spectacular and they spent enough money on having the actual place totally redone, you think after 3million dollars worth of improvements they might pay the site a little more attention than they have. The real secret is Bourke's Lookout which is further around, far less known. The view across Melbourne is unbelievable if you score a clear night (or day). Chris and Marie never inspired me, infact I can't stand them. Their ads are annoying, their voices make me cringe, they are tacky, cheaply produced and pretty much drive me insane. Their supposedly big company (well *cough* marketed) has the crappiest website asthetically possible. hellohello.com.au should not be seen by any member of the public. I knew Wombat Gully (the original) before they decided to go all huge as it was in Emerald a beautiful (if not out of the place) town because that's where my Grandparents live. It used to be good nursery, very popular and apparently had quality plants. I'm no green thumb, not anymore so it's second hand information. After the Chris and Marie thing took off, Wombat Gully devolved and eventually died (It might have been sold now, they definitely don't own it anymore). I personally think they just should have stayed as they were, the rest of Australia would be entirely grateful. Dare to disagree? If someone could be stuffed, they should put a proposal to make them a site that is half decent (think about it John :P). I doubt they'd spend the money though, as they seem to tape and star in all their own things - thinking about it, I bet one of them learnt a bit of FrontPage and thought they could produce something useable. Their handdrawn map is quite 'cute' but the rest... It'll be a marvellous day when they realise that the Chris and Marie thing just doesn't do it for anyone.

To meet

Before I go on a (hopefully) big ramble on something I've been thinking about on and off, I thought I might mention some people (some very dead) I think would be quite cool to meet... Corrie Ten Boom - Her story was fairly influential on me when I was younger (comic book form actually :P) I have a vague idea that it impacted me + Christianity although I can't verify that as I have no record and a sketchy memory. I admire her courage. Harper Lee - The author of To Kill a Mockingbird which is a book that makes me insanely frustrated about racism, it makes me really angry. I love it to bits. Maybe have a bit of a 'share the rage' fest. C.S Lewis - I want the ins and outs of the Narnia books how much was intentional allegory, I would like to pick his brains on other stuff - such theories! Leigh Nash - Sixpence None the Richer singer, simply because she didn't answer my email or message or something about one of her songs and I want to know what it means... how hohum, pathetic. Tolkein - because that would just be cool. Jesus - ;) eventually Peter or Paul - I'll list both as I can never remember which one it is (I picked one out specifically one time) as their character interested me.

Thinking

'I've been thinking a lot lately'

Sang-froid: coolness in trying circumstances

Had to laugh at what word of the day came up with. I think it has it in for me. And so yesterday, I woke up again stuffed but with the brainwave of getting out of the house (an absolute necessity) early before the evenings doings. So I did the whole shower thing, and wandered up to Sam's. April started playing something on the piano - I can't remember what it was now (a song I know) I somehow needed to hear it. We got public transport with some really really strange characters. Watching a middle aged woman grinning oddly, smoking excessively and holding a small radio to her ear was an eye-raising experience. Mind you the whole time she was travelling inbetween train carriages until it started raining whereby she moved in to the opposite carriage (to my relief) as she continued smoking inside. There was also the guy who swore profusely at the woman who moved between carriages and failed to close the door - his wife/partner then had a loud verbal discussion with strangers about tax payer money being wasted. We got lunch at McDonalds after both deciding we needed to cram ourselves full of junk. I ate too fast, but panadol had kicked in then so it was alright. We found our way to the NGV shop (Fed Square variety) where Sam got various cards and I wasted money on more artsy badges. "How long has it been since you went to St. Pauls?" an innocent question and we ended up there briefly. Sam was looking in the shop bit, and I went and sat down and did the whole take some time to think/pray thing. Bridge Rd for shopping. Which we did all afternoon. Managed not to spend too much. I tried on this really different, blue(ish) dress in one of the earlier places we were at. Pity I had nothing to wear it to, or I might have bought it. Found some cheap clothes. I ended up returning w/ two tops - oh and a book I got at Word to replace the one I gave away. Tried these weird shorts on (they had giraffes on them - really hard to explain) unfortunately they were too small because I rather liked them, but fortunately too small as it saved my pocket. We had dinner at the same place we went last time, when I was in the area for the Sons of Korah concert. Decided just to grab something small as we thought we were going out afterwards, so we got got some Garlic Nann. The waitress gave us an incredulous kind of greasy. I was laughing about it after because her, "Is that all?!" was so put out. Tasted great. Horrible garlic aftertaste though. Found Jane in the line, then Jess C - went to pick up our tickets, they couldn't find them at first so I played it patient (I wasn't inside) and they found them. Delirious concert. Hadn't really heard them before. I ended up knowing far more than I expected. We lost Jane somewhere in the crowd - but she was with others anyway. Got seats, saved one for Paul whenever he would decide to show up. The guy behind us and the two beside us were joking around, should have asked their names. Asked if they needed the seat next to me no, and he did the smart thing of telling me to stop worrying about waiting for people and just enjoy it. Strange thing for a stranger to say really. I have this really bad habit of looking all over the place when I'm in a crowd either for people I know, or are waiting for. I saw Sunil - did the whole doubletake, I think I know you thing (after I/he said Hi) but is that really you or am I just mixed up and did I just say hello to a stranger? Paul found us. We couldn't spot Rowan anywhere. Amy Stennet (or Stennet as we all call her) was a couple rows behind us w/ Cam. Haha her personality is so consistent, funny girl. It's was a good night. I enjoyed it. The sad covers of a couple songs at the start by the YA band were nothing to rave about but Delirious were really good. I knew more than I expected. Caught up with Rowan afterwards, introduced Paul, Jane found us again etc... met Jim (the YA guy who I guess organised my free ticket, he was cool) Thanks again John! Jane stayed the night. Talked to her about some stuff in the morning, kind of nice to have another (Jane and I don't know eachother that well) ear. Things shrink when you give them some time. There is a lot I can't do, a lot out of my hands so I need to be content to just leave some things. She didn't envy my position. Oh, my computer is back!!! I think they replaced the fan or something, not really sure - I haven't talked to Dad yet. I'm a happy girl. Things aren't so bad.

Monday, January 30, 2006

Unsure

Last night was the most utterly wrecked I think I have ever felt without just cause. I did my best at doing nothing, which for me means to read. I read a lot. I started The Day of the Triffids - a sci-fi that is insanely popular (quite old) by John Wynham I think. I've read one his, the Midwich Cuckoo's they are beautifully strange. I made it to chapter 3, fell asleep, woke up, read another chapter then gave up. I'm not kidding the book is really good, I just did not have any energy. I got Dad to dig up The Shaping of Things to Come to inspire my lethargic self. I've wanted to read it for ages. I couldn't concentrate. So I sat there aimlessly on my beanbag then moved out ot the hammock, I nearly fell asleep again although the dog woke me with periodic if not constant barkings. By 6pm I had stumbled through dinner (yes the others have returned so I didn't have to cook) while doing the normal hide it if you are feeling crap thing. Sat infront of the TV as it was far too light to sleep. Watched I Capture the Castle again with the others. I don't usually bother watching movies twice, but it was sitting and passively observing. Sleep was interesting. I was stuffed, but couldn't sleep. Lay there for ages. Sat up on the edge of my bed in the dark. Got up when Emily left the outside light on. Yelled at her and went out and turned it off. I could blame it on having been sick - whatever that was but part of it is to do I think with a conversation I had with someone the other night. Emotionally draining. I guess the thing is less that I am sad or whatever about it all, but more the fact that I have utterly no idea what to think and therefore do not know how to feel. I am unsure and I'm trying to work out why it's bothering me so much because I could very well remove myself at least a step or two away from the whole thing. I am unsure. It took me several hours to sleep which made no sense as I was physically exhausted.

Sunday, January 29, 2006

Bravest

God still does miracles.

Saturday, January 28, 2006

Phone call

So this afternoon comes and I get another phone call. Sam was laughing at me as I had about 5 wrong numbers during the time she stayed. It turns out to be Serene. Their family (the Chua's) moved back to Malaysia about a year ago. Hannah was best friends with Rachel. I knew Eugene a bit as he was in my devo group when I was in yr.12, a year younger than me I think, nice guy. (Eugene is a very cool name for asian guys and utterly daggy on anglo's, why is that so?) Anway. She finds out mum isn't there and so decides to ask me to help her out. Apparently some kid from MECS (school) has recently died in a car crash. I had absolutely no idea about it, so I'm making facial questions and trying to find out the story from Sam in the middle of the conversation. She wants to know what Aussies do (they were only over here for two years I think) for funerals. What to send. A wreath, flowers... I was half at a loss. The only person close enough for me to attend their funeral that has died was my Opa quite a few years now and I was overseas then, so missed it anyway. I realised she was asking because of cultural differences (duh!) and so did my best to explain that probably the best thing, seeing as it wasn't someone hugely close to them that she should probably just send a card. "Should I put money in it to help with the funeral?", "Um no, just a card I think". Australians treat death will an odd disrespect. We do not I think, grieve properly. We don't deal with it properly. We perhaps acknowledge it for a very short point in time and then stuff it under the verandah while we have a BBQ on top. We don't celebrate death very well either. Christians should view death with greater hmm.. how to say this without saying like life is not worth every breath. anticipation?... no thats' not quite right. It's a good thing to celebrate someone's life. We should also celebrate people's lives more when they are living, then they are at least around to know how much we appreciate them. Aboriginal cultures have this set mourning thing. They wail, they cry, they recognise the loss publically. Together they bear the weight and so (I think) lessen the load, draw the hurt into the open and so well, deal with it effectively. I'm pretty sure Solomon Islanders are much the same. Funeral Parlours are such ugly places. I've never been in one, and hope I don't have to (dead or alive) hearses are black, limos and pointless. Funeral flowers are ugly. Flowers belong in gardens or at weddings. Their beauty is a pitiful mask. I don't see a huge problem with them, but yeah mm they have their place excess is not part of it, if used rightly it's fine. I was thinking the other day about if I had only a short while to live how I would live differently. I guess it genuinely struck me (rather than just the general concept) I wish I had written some stuff down as it was a bit (just a bit) motivating. I'll have to think about it a bit more. Meanwhile. Living life as God wants me to is the closest I can get to explaining that, and for each of us I think that is slightly different.

External Sunshine

I like it how weather often matches your mood. Or perhaps it influences it. It can't make it's mind up today, it is confused, cloudy, foggy, warm, sunny, humid, blue skied, grey clouded, wet, dry, muggy, windy, still. Sam stayed here last night. We spent $18 between us on 6 dvd's. Have to love small town crappy video shop rental. We stayed up late for I Capture the Castle (which lived up to the book thank goodness), Mullet (I liked it because it was random, arthousey, pointless in a kind of way, it did get a little boring - I don't think Sam liked it much), Raise Your Voice (The dud of the lot, we got it to have a chickflick no-brainer it hardly even qualified for that. Pathetic), and Pieces of April (dumbfoundingly good, eccentric and brilliant). I made dinner before we started. Gnocchi. It was okay but I had no appetite again - a fall back from being sick. The idea of food still doesn't thrill me much. The phone woke me, and I got up groggily without bothering to even put my glasses on. My Grandma, she'd heard I was sick somehow. I love her to bits, but sometimes sleep is nicer (yes lets say that the cruel way). She asked if I had worked yesterday. I was that tired I couldn't remember or even process what she'd said. I figured it was about 8 or 9am so told her I'd just woken up. Managed and answer and fell back in bed with a grunted good morning to Sam. The clock said 10:37am. Sat down and watched the last two movies. A Girl with a Pearl Earing it was fairly good and Eternal Sunshine of a Spotless Mind how to describe that? ! How badly that movie stuffed with my mind. How facinating. How frustrating. How good. How good. Movies - the stranger the better. I again feel not entirely like running a marathon, I do not know if I will bother with dinner. People are confusing me today. I am confusing me today. Life feels like a movie. I am in an incredibally sarcastic, petulant mood.

Friday, January 27, 2006

A Bell Under the Wheel (journal)

24/1/06 I am sad and I want to write, frustrated because my computer is being fifxed and typing is easier on your hands. I think if you transported me back to the Middle Ages I woudl class very well as a flagellant. This evening I got to email and find one from Peta about Lauren and hwo she had a baby boy on Wednesday. That baby is dead. Potters syndrome - no kidneys. I do not know Lauren or Ed very well and I haven't kept up with Pete as much as I could've but I'm sitting in a smoky haze of disappointment and using horrible descriptions to describe it. Just before dinner (I think, maybe it was after) Hannah tells me about something that does in a way directly concern one of my good friends. I am sad again for him and how that might make him hurt. Where does it leave me to help? Furthermore, I do not know if he knows yet and I'd rather not be the one to break the news. And the flagellant reference? I consider eating food I hate and doing things I don't like when I'm in a bad mood. A form of self punishment? Doing the dishes is a fanatstic compliment to a depressed mindset. I am now officially a uni student! Enrollment was fairly painless. Took about an hour. It turns out I'm supposedly majoring in photography. I might change that yet. I'm trying to work out how I can get some writing in there as you either do it all online (which they don't recommend for first years) or you have to take two subjects because of prerequisites. Writing and the Law doesn't thrill me. Jess and I went to see a movie after we were done at Deakin. Broken Flowers was the first. Very slow, art housey, utterly peculiar film wich I don't think I would have liked had the ending been different. The ending however, left you hanging marvellously with no triump (clearly evident), no resolution. I found this smile creep into my mouth when the credits slid up. I will not go out of my way to see it again. We then decided (as we had loads of time - and Jess gets movies free as she works at Village which mean I got in free also) on one more. The Family Stone, which was surprisingly quite good. Sarah Jessica Parker annoys me and I don't think she's pretty at all contray to certain character's opinions - she's got a horse face (so says Laura). The general idea of the movie was alright, it was quite funny and the romantic bit of a romantic comedy was not quite swallowed in tears of pink and white dog fur. I read a book last night. All of it. The Blessing by Gary Smalley and John Trent. Not too bad. Not all of it was very applicable, but it did get me thinking. The components of 'The Blessing' ie: meaningfully loving others, extended beyond teh words and time factor (surprise surprise) and there aws a large segment on meaningful touch. I am in no way a huggy kind of person and how I shy away from touch highlights that further. According to somethign my Dad (?) said once, is that I used to fine and then one day I just changed my mind about the whole thing (Would've been around the 6-7 age) that is paraphrasing a lot but yes, Rebecca is not touch inclined. Despite being overtly standoffish - although I have been worn down a lot these past few years there are increasingly frequent times when a touch (be it a hug or...) would be incredibally helpful, might assist in filling a part of me that is lacking. I was reflecting on the touch thing in my family and how hugs etc. (particularly where most of us are concerned) are reserved for birthdays, goodbyes, hellos (after a significant time away), maybe Christmas or some achievement eg. finishing school. Generally speaking, words (pardon the pun) are what I find more meaningful, but there is this funny void. I can remember quite a few months ago Emily (?) came up and touched me on the shoulder for a more prolonged time than just a sibling whack. I think I started/double took - however you wish to say it. The book was talking about touch as a meaningful method of communication. I do not know how I can impliment this into my family life - but as God you seem to be bringing up the challenge of getting/letting myself closer to some of the lately maybe you've got something in mind. Some ideas/cirucmstances taht will help me to get more used to the fact that you want me to forget about comfortable and actually go out of my way to change a few things. I remember what Miss Kirsty (see Critical Incidents timeline) and that 'talking to' did to me. How I had to hug my little sister more. A way of respecting, loving her as my attitude was so screwy and bossy. She shocked me in to doign something with her wise, timely, shameing, caring words. I cannot forget that. The meaningful touch thing goes further though. What about friends? Sure some are perfectly okay to hug or whatever. But for instance, male friends by whom you do not want to give the wrong impression or are simply not comfortable about it (the not comfortable often goes for me as well). How can you bring meaningful touch into a strictly friendship relationship to I guess, improve and in a sense meet that person beyond just works, a look, a smile, your time? Some people throw no walls up about this but I know people who do when it comes to touch because I am one of them. We thrive off being loved and loving. Why limit ourselves to soley with what is only comfortable if that is not loving them in the most complete way possible. How important is it really anyway?

Beans and Broccoli

I am not going to work today. I set the alarm for just before 9:00 and had a good think about whether I was okay or not, came to the conclusion that I'd better give myself some time although I am feeling vastly better than yesterday. Did all the random jobs. The washing has gotten wet two times in a row now, I've given up on it. Yesterday when it poured I was in no frame of mind to go running out to rescue it. I can live in whatever other clothes I've got. Half of it isn't mine anyway. I had the great idea to wash everyone's smelly towels while they were gone so the bathroom could be all mine. Now it keeps spitting, I figured I couldnt' leave them in the machine any longer, and couldn't justify using the dryer so they are on the verandah (did I spell that right?!). Dinner last night consisted of the only thing I could stomach. Which I worked out to be veggies. Nothing like broccoli and beans... :\ I got to sleep around 10:30-11:00. Managed four hours. Woke up really hot. Moved the fan into my room, decided it was stupid trying to sleep when I couldn't so got online (how sad) for an hour and had a chat to Tony. Went back to bed around 4am and slept until my alarm went. There's the what I did kind of info - writing this is quite strange sometimes. I am thinking of back-dating to the long spiel I wrote in my journal, but that calls for a new post. So backward ho.

Thursday, January 26, 2006

Inverted face

I can just utterly refute the grouch of the post about 10 minutes ago? I turn around and the rain is pouring down. No rain drops, just water and water and water. I go and stand in it. It is gone almost before I get out there. I still am not 100% but being able to smile a bit helps. The smell brings back a memory. The smell of rain and smoke. It smells like the Solomons, I do not mind. God is good.

So much for optimism

I show up at work. Oh you got told the wrong thing (or I heard the wrong thing) you aren't working today, but now you are here... 12:04. Bec is out the back stickering books with Mel (manager) I get massively dizzy, my ears start ringing and I do not even go through the consider 'should I say something, I'm probably okay' phase, I just did and went and sat down. I nearly blacked out several times. Felt unbearably hot, sweaty, then cold, and sick and dizzy. Finally managed to get up enough to get some water, felt a bit better after that. Ears rang for like 5 minutes at least. Mel got me a cold towel thing. "Got anyone you can call?" So I got on to Jess. Again. She was wonderful. Felt a bit better but still sick all afternoon, stayed at her place in the aircon watching movies. Hot, cold. Now I am home (thanks again Sam to your Dad). I still feel hot (beyond just the weather), despite having had panadiene at Jess's. I still feel sick and cant be stuffed cooking dinner as I dont feel much like eating, I dont want to have a shower as I'd rather not keel over in there (as thats where anything like that usually happens), but I do want one. And I want to sleep but its too hot and parents will call or something after 7pm. I am sad. It's such a hassle being sick when there's no one around.

Morning

A Norah Jones morning. Reasonably lazy breakfast and utter productivity without hardly even trying. They (the rest of my esteemed family) left at around 7:30 - an hour or so later than they intended. I got up around a similar time in order to hear out the last minute things. So they left and that song "Come Away with Me" comes on and I can remember a class sometime last year where that was used to illustrate something of God. I think I need this time by myself - and despite last night's semi-qualms and frustration at all the smoke in the area it is only clear skys this morning. I had a brilliant dream last night. I rarely seem to dream and I think I've only ever had one dream that I've enjoyed just fractionally more than this one. I was with someone in a car, we were talking and laughing, just laughing and laughing and enjoying whatever it was we were saying and enjoying eachother. This indescribable joy that you seem to rarely find in life. I woke up without opening my eyes and thought, I want to remember this. I wish I could translate the feeling like the Giver can do to Jonas (in the book The Giver - Lowis Lowry :P). Utter productivity after they'd left. Did the dishes and the washing and putting more on and clearing up around the place, closed the house to save what little attempt at cool and watered the plants. Got ready for work and have written a blog all before 9:00am. Difficulty in getting to work today as it is Australia day and the busses aren't running (and hey, I have payed, so my P's should be booked as soon as she can get a good date). Jess it taking me to the station, and Wes (Sam's dad) is going to pick me up this evening. Nothing like an 8 hour shift to combat the heat. Far better than being at home. We live in a hot house, or a cold house depending on the alternate weather to what's desired. Have a beautiful day. Today I am an optimist.

Wednesday, January 25, 2006

How to write a classic

Wow I think I've found maybe 3 minutes of privacy in this house. The family computer is in HIGH HIGH demand (whereby I immediately get interupted by Emily looking for something on ebay that had to be done NOW). To pretend like I'm online again. I can maybe give a quick summary of the more major events. If you even care. I mean I reverted to writing a massively long thing in my journal last night as I was so desperate, so you might get to read that later if I can be bothered typing it out. As of yesterday, I am now offically a uni student. Enrollment was fairly painless (only took an hour) I'm apparently going to major in photography as it is currently far too awkward to take up anything from the professional/creative writing area - ie: I have to do something about writing and the law if I do anything at all on writing, that didn't thrill me, so I'll sit on that for another year. So of the three electives I've chosen, two are on photography and one is on the Internet (webpage creating related, all the fiddly stuff that I can't already do which I'm sure will bore me up the wall, but will be entirely useful nonetheless). The rest are BIM (Interactive Media) subjects, obviously and I am reasonably excited about the whole deal - while still being thoroughly mystified as to how I ended up chosing this course. Lets see, this morning I managed to sort out Centre Link issues. After having my Youth Allowance again cancelled. I had my big long sorry story ready to tell, but I didn't even have to use it. I hope I haven't lied to them about my income as they made me rereport something I have definitely already given them. Which reminds me, I'd better clean out all my paper work and actually get something vaguely organised, at the moment it's strewn all over my computer absent desk. Computer is getting fixed. If for some odd reason they have to touch my harddrive I think I will cry for a week straight. I don't really need another lesson in backing things up, I've had too many of those already. Tomorrow morning the rest of my family are heading off on some holiday thing (to Bright I think) and I have opted out of joining them. I need some time to myself. Laura informed me this morning that she might be staying home as Jess has some doctors thing that she wouldn't mind a friend be there for. Which is OK I suppose. I really wanted the time to myself, but yeh. Minus computering I have had a great deal of time to read. So I'm ploughing my way through various classics and going for the read a book in one sitting thing. The Great Gatsby is astounding and produced all kinds of verbal exclamations (anywhere between wow, and yuck and crap (or worse)), Of Mice and Men was shockingly well, shocking. How to write a classic: have someone die in some horiffic/difficult/unusual cirucmstance and you have it made. And that shall be all for now as I drew the 'do the dishes' piece of paper out of the hat and I have a driving lesson before lunch.

Sunday, January 22, 2006

Event driven church

Go read this! How brilliant, event driven church. It says what I continually fail (but want) to say. (thanks John for that link!) computer is still broke.

Woe and Sadness

:( Just I as I get on my computer to have an afternoon of backing things up, it dies. Like zip, cuts out, nothing, finis, hem nao. My mind works out I've been running on batteries the last day or so (saw that last night and didn't pay much attention after I plugged it back in). I call dad over. There is no power coming to my computer at all. He thinks my power supply got fried in the lightning the past few days. He puts a meter on that. No problem there. He makes me get everything out and I pull the I don't know anything please help me female thing on him so that he can do the talking to customer service. Thankfully it's still in waranty. He calls up - wait til office hours. It is Sunday. Crappy Crappy Crap. I don't like being patient.

Been reading

So, Some blogs I've been reading lately (at the risk of people backlinking to me - which is an idea I'm thoroughly used to now). Just Another Pretty Farce which is one I tripped over yesterday I think, I like it's outlook. It is far better written than mine is in general - but hey what a pity, if I slowed down and took my time instead of sitting on 40 degree days trying to words out faster than my fingers melt I might be okay. Layer That May be Described as Emergent This one is by Christop (gush) who also knows Jonny - if you still read this Jonny, he's doing the Urban Seed thing this year with that relative of mine. Esilana My friend Analise, whom I have yet to convince to change from msn spaces to something more worthy. There isn't much here as it is brand spanking new, but if you dig around I believe there are some photos of my graduation (with me in them). Ana goes to my church or has been longer than I have and is deserting us to go to uni in Wodonga. AJS Opinion(dot.com) I used to work with Snooky. At the moment it's full of cricket, but I've been keeping half an eye on it. Cricket really holds minimal interest for me. Found a link through to Geoff Snook's blog there also (just then) which is interesting as their family were in the Solomons and left a bit after we came I think he's a couple years older than me if I recall rightly. And that's pretty much it aside from those I've mentioned before. All of which are rather slow. Write more will you!

Experiment

Melbourne is far too hot. Laura and I decided to escape it around 2pm and ended up sitting at the movies. Memoirs of a Geisha. I really liked it. Long which was perfect. It should have ended unhappily though - there I've gone and spoiled the ending. Seriously, tragic endings, or just non-cliched live happily ever after endings are a good change once in a while. There is something oddly triumphant about a movie if it has a bit of desparation. I like to be frustrated upon occasion. I don't know how I was going to work this in, but I might as well dump it here as it hit me today, how its quite something when someone wants you but another thing completely when you can reciproate that and how if it's only one sided it can make either person extremely selfish or the individual not on the 'wanting' end really callous. NB I am not refering to anyone at all, honest. These were just random thoughts surrounding myself, others, friends, people. That saying. We had Caren's 50th tonight (Jess' mum) and seeing as we are sort of family friends of theirs now, we went. Sam was there - and so she and I had a big fat talk about various stuff going on in her life. I'm sure there was stuff left unsaid, but Sam I really appreciate you being so open with me and putting up with my 'what about you do this' kind of advice. To restate what I said, I'm only concerned about you doing something that might hurt you or you might regret and as a friend I don't want to judge or have you feeling like I am doing that. There, heh I still can't say it right. A big long speech section. Entirely amusing as my family gathering things are quite different. Three of Jess younger cousins did this dance thing, which was quite hilarious and oh I don't know how to say it... little kids are strange creatures. I quite literally bumped into Roger as I was getting a drink (old Chem/Biol teacher) and so ended up chatting to him for a while. Sam and Laura showed up (and later Iain), it was like a mini MECS reunion. Scary stuff. He's still the same old Rog, passionate about placentas and anything sciencey, the welfare of his students. Fantastic guy really, have a lot of respect for him. Most challenging teacher I've ever had. Jess pulled Sam, Iain and I away to talk about what has now been dubbed, "The Experiment" and left Laura with Rog (hehehe - she was known to be 'his teachers pet'). The Experiment is the small group thing we were thinking of starting up this year - these thoughts were around the end of last year. We had a very cool relaxed/intense (yeah exact opposites I know) discussion around what we are going to do - if anything. So the said experiment shall supposedly start on the first Monday of Feb. I do not want it to be just another Bible study. We intend to build up some community - eat together and hopefully get out there and do something useful (soup kitchen ?? etc), read a bit of the word together, talk about what God has been doing in our lives, and hopefully learn from that. I guess the idea is to be really open about where God will take it. I am reasonably excited in an inside way (Yes! Wow Bec's vaguely excited about something). I really would like to have/be involved in something that actually happens, that lives out life in the way Christians should be living instead of the same old, go to church, hear good stuff (or frustrating stuff) and just forget about it as soon as you leave the building. Pray that it works. Jess left us and Sam and Iain and I moved outside where it was cooler. Had some random talk around well, relationships mostly (more Sam talk mostly :P) The clouds were fantastic tonight, wish I'd had a camera on me. Good lightning too.

Saturday, January 21, 2006

Conversation

Lets see if I can wander around explaining yesterday. Driving lesson with Emma in the morning. Somehow without any practice in the intevening time I'd improved. She got me to do various 3pt turns, point-to-point, parallel parking and normal parking. I parked and she asked If I'd fluked it :P Here's to me! Parallel parking isn't so bad, first time I've even done it though. Came home and my grandparents were there to drop off Hannah. My cousin Lauren was with them. Wow, how to explain the admiration that I have for my Grandma. So I get the train around 12:40, I sit down and suddenly Hannah and Chris walk up, "Hello" really loudly, I think I jumped. They were off to a movie (with a few of their other friends) despite having left a fair while before me and had ended up on the same train. Train to Box Hill. Eventually I hear my name. I see them in a reflection thinking that's them, I turn around and find out differently. Jas and another guy are there. The other guy turns out to be Rod (Dave's friend, and PG4G on gush). So we got lunch Rod talked his face off which was cool. We smelt a lot of gas simultaneously and so left the food court area quick smart. We walked around, Rod bought a CD. Sat down at a table belonging to some coffee shop which we didn't frequent. Jas left for something briefly, Rod and I had a very out of the box conversation around well, stuff. One of those people who are massively easy to talk to - probably because he hardly stopped. I had to get a bus at 3:11pm so we walked almost around the entire top of roof (bus zone) to find the right one. It was late. Said goodbye. I got off the bus too early as my mind was elsewhere and so had to walk for about ten minutes in the blistering heat to get to where I was meant to be for my info session (at Deakin). I was still a bit early. So I stood around watching the papers people were holding to see if they were Interactive Media students. A rough head count told me that there are 5 other girls and about 20 guys in my course. The info session didn't give me too much more information than what I already knew, although it did go longer than Jess's 10 minute one. The guy - Adrian (?), took us into the studio area which I've already seen. Now it's up to me to work out what electives I do. I can pretty much take a major in any other faculty. I will be looking at writing or photography maybe some psychology. I will go investigate that shortly. Choices. I have until Tuesday, which is enrollment. Centrelink has cancelled my Youth Allowance yet again, another long drama that I can base on their faulty services. I really hate Centrelink. The screw me around so much. Well theres a boring 'what I did' post with a fair bit left out.

Friday, January 20, 2006

Bonjour Happy Lion

I am a curious incident The bannana on my sister's cereal A flying ant without it's wings The created creatable I am the staunchest The individualist The strange one

Thursday, January 19, 2006

Lead

Six hour shift today. Quite a good work day really. Highlights would be the woman looking at the cookbook, she had an unusal accent, eurpoean, she smiled at me and said, "A lot of love has gone into this book." There was the lady who was looking at the classics, she was one of those rare people that raditated joy, really hard to explain, but yeah... Then there was the mum with her boys that had come with their money boxes and ended up paying $29.90 in coins, mostly 10c's and 20c's I found it throughly amusing, there weren't too many other customers. It took a long time for her to count it out (with me double checking). Simone looks at it and says, "That's not going in the register" and opens up a plastic bag and sweeps the lot off the counter. Simone is cool. This evening I had this impulsive desire to try drawing something again. Understand that I used to be fanatical about drawing and not too bad for a 13-15 year old. I am no original artist, I never was. I cannot dream up something in my head, it has to be copied from a photograph or other art. I was slighly obsessed with animals at the stage and so that's all I ever drew, I sucked at people, still life things I was okay at, but found them boring. The story behind the whole drawing thing was that one day when I was about 12, I had a minor identity crisis over not being good at anything specific, so I ended up determining to pick something and so get good at it. I somehow ended up pouring a lot of effort in to teaching myself how to draw - must have come up with something vaguely decent near the beginning. A little pride pushes you a long way. Looking back now, it doesn't look all that fantastic, but I liked it at the time. So here is a rare preview of some really old stuff from the lot I could find. Some of the contrast is a bit bad. So really, the last time I've drawn anything was back in 2002 (latest) in Yr.10 art. Of all things I could have tried, I picked a photo of a person (from the Humanity photo book I got for Christmas)... I don't think I've ever really drawn a half decent person, animals are a billion times easier. So this was this evenings attempt, I sat on the verandah with the dog being a pain and remembered how painstakingly annoying it is for a perfectionst to draw. I am not throughly disgusted, but I think I'll leave the drawing to those with the proper capability and stick to writing. Its a far easier medium. Tomorrow shall be an interesting day. I do not know if I am really looking forward to it. All three things that I am doing could be 'high stress' activities if I let them. Not that a driving lesson really clarifies. But a potentially interesting/difficult conversation has to happen and I have to stop pretending I'm not doing the whole uni thing and go to an info session. I am looking forward actually to uni. I really think I need the change of scenery. If I had my way, I'd move out of home right now. Part of me is slightly desperate to just go away somewhere by myself for a while. Which reminds me, I've opted out of family holiday (3 days) at the end of Jan, that shall be very good. Avoiding or just changing the hundrum of life is appealing at the moment to the extremely small risk taking section of my brain. God is oddly very real to me at the moment. It's like I've remembered who he is or I just need him more.

Ecclesiastes 7

Wisdom 1 A good name is better than fine perfume, and the day of death better than the day of birth.

2 It is better to go to a house of mourning than to go to a house of feasting, for death is the destiny of every man; the living should take this to heart.

3 Sorrow is better than laughter, because a sad face is good for the heart.

4 The heart of the wise is in the house of mourning, but the heart of fools is in the house of pleasure.

5 It is better to heed a wise man's rebuke than to listen to the song of fools.

6 Like the crackling of thorns under the pot, so is the laughter of fools. This too is meaningless.

7 Extortion turns a wise man into a fool, and a bribe corrupts the heart.

8 The end of a matter is better than its beginning, and patience is better than pride.

9 Do not be quickly provoked in your spirit, for anger resides in the lap of fools.

10 Do not say, "Why were the old days better than these?" For it is not wise to ask such questions.

11 Wisdom, like an inheritance, is a good thing and benefits those who see the sun.

12 Wisdom is a shelter as money is a shelter, but the advantage of knowledge is this: that wisdom preserves the life of its possessor.

3 Consider what God has done: Who can straighten what he has made crooked?

14 When times are good, be happy; but when times are bad, consider: God has made the one as well as the other. Therefore, a man cannot discover anything about his future.

15 In this meaningless life of mine I have seen both of these: a righteous man perishing in his righteousness, and a wicked man living long in his wickedness.

16 Do not be overrighteous, neither be overwise— why destroy yourself?

17 Do not be overwicked, and do not be a fool— why die before your time?

18 It is good to grasp the one and not let go of the other. The man who fears God will avoid all extremes . [a]

19 Wisdom makes one wise man more powerful than ten rulers in a city.

20 There is not a righteous man on earth who does what is right and never sins.

21 Do not pay attention to every word people say, or you may hear your servant cursing you-

22 for you know in your heart that many times you yourself have cursed others.

23 All this I tested by wisdom and I said, "I am determined to be wise"— but this was beyond me.

24 Whatever wisdom may be, it is far off and most profound— who can discover it?

25 So I turned my mind to understand, to investigate and to search out wisdom and the scheme of things and to understand the stupidity of wickedness and the madness of folly.

26 I find more bitter than death the woman who is a snare, whose heart is a trap and whose hands are chains. The man who pleases God will escape her, but the sinner she will ensnare.

27 "Look," says the Teacher, [b] "this is what I have discovered: "Adding one thing to another to discover the scheme of things-

28 while I was still searching but not finding— I found one upright man among a thousand, but not one upright woman among them all.

29 This only have I found: God made mankind upright, but men have gone in search of many schemes."

Wednesday, January 18, 2006

Happenings

I worked today. It was not too bad a shift, a tad slow. A lot of cute/screaming kids running around in the store, a lot funny customers today really. A really dignified older lady walked up to me and asked if we have maths books, to relearn maths. I had a good old chat with a great grandma looking at road atlases for her great grandson's 18th (as well as a Melways). An old guy cornered me in the biography section and so I got an earful of Melbourne history and some guy called John Wren (a politician I think) and his memories of him. It was quite amusing but a tricky thing to get away. The guy was standing a tad too close for my liking also which was okay in that I could actually hear him, but not okay in that it was invading my large circumference of personal space. After about ten minutes I got away, the book he was after was not in stock. Iain and Dawn met me after work, and they ate lunch while I visited Gloria Jeans (and I confess McDonalds for a cheeseburger) as afternoon tea. The lunch I had was extremely hurried and decidedly strange. Englishwise I think they call them a scotch egg. But I was wandering along the food court and looking in this curry shop and saw a chicken something or other. Now to entirely gross everyone out, it's this I guess fried/croquette style thing with chicken, potato and boiled egg in the middle. I bought it on impulse, which is a strange thing for me to do, but was very impressed. It was actually really good, despite sounding so disgusting. We managed to convince Iain to drive us both back to my place. Tried to pick up Sam on our way down, but she was in her pjamas out the back hanging up her washing, she walked down later. So we sat on the verhanda and talked and took photos and stuff. Until Dawn had to go (Dawn and Iain both yitsers). Sam hung round home for dinner, that's the third night in a row now. We walked Job back up the street and I came back after leaving her where she really belongs. Explanation behind the photo of Sam with her head on the table. "Your dog's face is in my bum" rather than, "Your dog's bum is in my face". Much laugher ensued. And the chicken is some random squeaky dog toy that I got in the way of.

Global Personality

Taken fairly quickly with Sam whispering things in my ear, "You're making me sound like a little thing sitting on your shoulder".

Advanced Global Personality Test Results
Extraversion |||||||||| 33%
Stability |||||||||||||||| 63%
Orderliness |||||||||||||||| 70%
Accommodation |||||||||||| 50%
Interdependence |||||||||||| 50%
Intellectual |||||||||||||||| 63%
Mystical |||||||||| 36%
Artistic |||||||||||||| 56%
Religious |||||||||||||||||||| 83%
Hedonism |||||||||| 36%
Materialism |||||| 30%
Narcissism |||||||||||| 43%
Adventurousness |||||| 23%
Work ethic |||||||||||||| 56%
Self absorbed |||||||||||| 43%
Conflict seeking |||||||||||||||| 70%
Need to dominate |||||||||||||||| 63%
Romantic |||||||||||| 50%
Avoidant |||||||||||||||| 63%
Anti-authority |||||||||||| 50%
Wealth |||||| 30%
Dependency |||||| 23%
Change averse |||||||||||| 43%
Cautiousness |||||||||||||||| 63%
Individuality |||||||||| 36%
Sexuality |||||||||||| 43%
Peter pan complex |||||| 23%
Physical security |||||||||||||||| 63%
Physical Fitness |||||||||||| 50%
Histrionic |||||||||| 36%
Paranoia |||||||||||| 43%
Vanity |||||| 30%
Hypersensitivity |||||| 30%
Female cliche |||||||||||| 43%
Take Free Advanced Global Personality Test personality tests by similarminds.com

Stability results were moderately high which suggests you are relaxed, calm, secure, and optimistic.

Orderliness results were high which suggests you are overly organized, reliable, neat, and hard working at the expense too often of flexibility, efficiency, spontaneity, and fun.

Extraversion results were moderately low which suggests you are reclusive, quiet, unassertive, and secretive.

trait snapshot: secretive, organized, clean, rarely worries, solitary, high self control, dislikes large parties, prefers organized to unpredictable, prudent, observer, tough, self reliant, very good at saving money, introverted, perfectionist, mind over heart, not controlling of others, hard working, confident, resolute, solitary, does not make friends easily, finisher, does not like to stand out, very practical, intellectual, unsympathetic at times, honest, respects authority, follows the rules, cautious

Tuesday, January 17, 2006

Respect

Word of the Day spat out something interesting at me again: comity: a state of mutual harmony, friendship, and respect. Respect. It's an interesting thing, particularly in relation to something Sam and I talked about on the way home today. To summarise, some time before lunch Sam, Laura and I caught the train and reminisced about childhood related things until Box Hill, whereby Sam and I left Laura to continue her journey into the city to meet a uni friend. We made our way fairly quickly up to the curiousity of a shop that we both like. Japanese stuff - like all those bits and pieces, which we ignore and instead go to look at the fantastically different, exceedingly cool skirts and tops and dresses and things. Poked amongst the wild shoes and compartively cheap bags. It's a tempting shop. Not ridiculously overpriced but not exactly cheap either. I had my eye on a skirt I saw there last time but couldn't quite justify spending $40 after all the money I've already spent this week. We wasted a lot of time trying various things on and being honest critics. haha... "to summarise", maybe not. I think this might be long winded again. Appologies. So after we'd done that shop over we wandered into those slightly less interesting ones tried a few more things with no such success. We decided to give Breadtop a miss for lunch (despite the most wonderful soft choc-chip rolls in the world) after we happened to wander past some shop selling chips with gravy. I think it was the gravy thing that made us both look at eachother with a knowing, that's lunch look on our faces. How sad. Best lunch I've had in ages. The guy practically drowned them. Needed a fork to get the last chips out of the bottom of the bucket. I honestly don't think I've fully gotten over whatever made me sick yet. My appetite is really strange. I'm hungry, then eat, then feel yuck etc. It wasn't just too much gravy and bad food, happened at breakfast too. We wandered outside and Sam suddenly informed me that we weren't meeting the others at the station's McDonalds but one along Whitehorse Road. Hohum. Neither of us knew where that was. Jas calls up, they don't know either. Some meeting place. We ask at a servo, they don't know. So I take an educated guess (being the slightly more familiar with the area) and walk down towards/past Centro. We reach a set of lights and change our minds and start walking back. We get another phone call, the others have just driven past us and we have to turn around again back to the lights. Picked up, they have a Melways, they know where that McDonalds is. I was right in my direction, but it would have taken us a long time to get there. We meet Joel (Jonah on gush) outside McDonalds. He somehow remembered me (picked me from Sam) - the last time I would have seen him was when I was about 8 or 9. Had lunch down the street at a cafe called Columbos. We watched/helped the others eat. The latte I ordered was extremely decent. Good talk. I wasn't in a super introverted mood or at least less of one compared to yesterday. Sam I seriously think you help loosen my tongue :P We end up at Blackburn lake (?) minus Joel who had to leave, and wandered, sat, talked, messed around, threw rocks at ducks and laughed at random stuff for quite a while. Sam and I get dropped back at Blackburn Station and here, thats right I'm getting back to my original point now, is where that previously mentioned conversation happened for the first time. The second time was later on, she told me to write a blog about it, so I guess that's what I'm doing and I still don't know how to word it all. Forgive the awkward explaining. The flirt thing. For we could not find any other way to put it. But we were discussing the different ways guys act depending on who the girl is. It has absoultely no prerogative (in this case) as to one girl being liked above the other. I mentioned something about having this aura of standoffishness around me. I'm not saying this is a bad thing infact I like it the way it is, I don't think I'd cope hugely well otherwise. Sam and I are incrediblly different and it is very interesting as to the way that guys will interact with her as opposed to me. She placed it all upon reaction and tone of voice. I am still massively curious if guys have this internal radar thing that says, "No you don't say/do certain things to/with (for example) Rebecca, but it is entirely permissable with (for example) Sam. I am talking about certain ways of teasing. I have a fairly big personal space thing and I somehow, usually without words I think, show that. ARGH! Blogger just made me lose a heap of what I wrote! :( scowl and angry. How frustrating, I had things almost wrapped up nicely. I am all for comity (to use the word from before), but don't know if it's because of who I am or just my personality that demands a greater level of respect/distance. Sam I am not belittling you in any way. This is hard to explain. I do not like playing around with flirting as I do not see the point in messing with people's emotions unwittingly, or purposefully. I guess I'll leave this open now. I am curious as to what you think about the whole deal, how do you know (if you are a guy) when to back off or to not go there? Even still if I explained it clearly enough for you to understand what I'm on about.

Hello

"You know what? you are about as mysterious as that picture you have up there (msn display picture). I have no idea what you are like these days.. it is interesting to think about." Hi Josh :)

The rest of yesterday

Before I run off to do things today I'd better mention the rest of yesterday or the some of the poor deprived blog readers will get extremely cut. So after the whole fire drama thing, Paul, Jas and John arrive - we head up to the main street to find food, fairly unsucessfully. The first bakery has one pie and hardly anything else, the fish and chip shop is closed and so we are left with the second bakery or Morrison which is yet another expensive cafe (too much for lunch). I truly do not understand this town at this time of year. Serves me right for living so far from proper civilisation. Back home we do the whole nerd thing after Paul sets up his wireless. The dog goes slightly insane with all the new people and we sit on the back deck (I refuse to type the word I was corrected on) with various computers/pda's etc. Sam comes down to meet more strange internet people. The dog is let on the ver.. deck and leaps over Jas's head and onto his computer. Which was incredibally funny (particularly the noise made and the look on his face) but a bit, "Argh... thats my dog, what has he wrecked?!" for me. It was all fine apparently, and thinking about it later it just got funnier. It was, to sum up the afternoon, an interesting experience. They ended up staying for dinner after Emily decided she'd make us all pizza. So there were ten of us. With the sisters buzzing round but being non-annoying all the same. Parentals stayed out of the way. I don't think Mum didn't know what to do with having so many 'boys' in the house. I asked her this morning and she said she quite enjoyed it, "As a change". In the evening after some thinking around all manner of things and praying about some of them, I decided there was nothing to do except to escape into a movie and take time out from my head. So I pulled out Amelie, which I've been saving since Christmas. Made some tea and sat in my beanbag and watched it in the dark. I love the scene where she takes the blind man by the elbow and talks him through the street. Wonderful movie. Fit my mood extremely well and was still as effective in playing with my insides as it was the first time. Sat in bed for a while after, liking the now long enough network cable - with computer on my lap arranging plans for tomorrow and listening to classical music :) throw me into culture now and then. I like it very much.

Monday, January 16, 2006

Smoke screen

I was outside with my dog, sitting on the top of the stairs and I hear, "Laurie, Laurie" being called fairly urgently by a male voice. Laurie is our slightly excentric neighbour who apparently grew up in Afghanistan and across the world. He is a third culture kid - in the late 50 year old sense. He has has an old once white toweling hat that never leaves his head, writes frequent petitions to improve the area, keeps old pink vans, his house is surrounded by bush, he cuts his grass in the middle of the night (so I've heard), is paranoid about bushfires yet still leaves his gutters uncleaned, and otherwise seems quite nice. So I look over to see if I can find the owner of the voice and in surprise I see smoke billowing (there's a cliche word if I ever heard one) out of the back of the house nextdoor. The voice is from the front neighbour - battleaxe block. I watched for a little bit and decided it wasn't just burning off, the urgency in the voice confirmed that. There was no-one home - the silver van was not around. I walk inside and casually tell Dad he might want to take a look. He goes out on the verhanda and returns inside to the phone 000. There is more smoke. Three fire trucks arrive. The other neighbour beat us to informing them. I am laughing at the situation, Laura is glaring at me and trying to wear a concerned face. Dad lets us know that a burn off pile has reignited and climbed a tree. We cannot see any flames as the house is in the way. The four of us watch from the verhanda and listen to the fire brigade's loud speaker. He will most probably get prosecuted for burning off in a total ban. Hannah smartly tells me to get my camera. The fire is put out quickly, but not before half the street have wandered down to check out what is going on. The silver van pulls in. Conclusio.

Sunday, January 15, 2006

Catchup

I don't know exactly how well I can summarise, I have a funny feeling this could be relatively long however I am pretty tired after a rather full day. Being sick, then not sick and all other such things. Okay. Soul Survivor. It was good - maybe not so great as last time. I was in a very different spot than I was a year ago which made a fair bit of difference as I've dealt with a huge ammount of 'stuff' over the past 10 months. So we rock up (finally), register, then drive around aimlessly trying to find a camping spot in section 1. That looks all full so we basially say, "Hang all" and move to section 2. We end up directly behind a toilet block, which actually was not a bad idea. Two tents up from Dave, next door to Miranda (yits ocean grove), in the same area as Alice so all good. Sam and I started setting up the small dome tent and Jess VW and Laura attacked the 'big' one. We had ours all done by the time L&J figured out that it was stuffed or too old or something. Laura unzipped the bag of the other dome tent which we'd pretty much bought on whim - there is a pole missing. Hence followed an indepth discussion on 'what to do' with multiple plans including sleeping someone in the car at least until the next day. Sam eventually mentioned she owned a six person dome tent, "Why didn't you mention it before!" (Jess) so we get her dad to promise to bring it up for us as Jess had to take the car back down to make it in time for work. To cut that story short. Sam's dad got there about 6:30ish. We had enough tent room. So, the first main session was reasonably low key. I forget how we spent the inbetween time (oh, some of it was me trying to Sam to 'talk' more about her holiday but that's a conversation that had to be re-had as I picked my time haphazardly). There was not a whole heap on later that night, so Sam and I went to watch Hitchhikers - which I have seen before. I still find it entirely funny as I picked up a heap the second time, as you do. The movie finished and as we were leaving this older guy behind us appologised for laughing so hard and asked if we'd read the books. I have, Sam hasn't. Some personalities really weird me out, so after a highfive (?raise eyebrows?) from the laughing stranger and my 'OK he's a bit strange, lets go now' look to Sam we found our way back to the tent. Dealt fairly patiently with noisy neighbours and eventually fell to sleep. Thursday. I had to work. Got the 9:22am train which is pathetically early for an 11am shift, but that's the way it had to happen. Worked four hours stickering books and nothing much else. Met Jas for lunch afterwards (3pm) as I hadn't had time to get any. That was pretty good. I was curious to see how the introversion thing was going to play off as it was my understanding that Jas was as big an introvert as I am and I haven't spent much time with him (being a WAlien haven't really had the chance). Anyway, that was all fine and talked our way around all manner of things - much of it site related. I got the train at 4:30ish... maybe a bit later, after I watched Jas miss his into the city. Back to Belgrave, where the others came down to pick me up and get dinner. Friday. Morning session with Jim Reiher on Women in leadership (and the church). Which was good but more of a refresher than a lot of new stuff. Some interesting things about the name and person of Junia (in Acts I think) which was a surprising recall from Year 12 Texts and Traditions. Good old Mr. Youl... ho hum :) Analise and I drove down to the station to pick up Jas. After two phones had run flat and other delays his train finally pulled in. Got back just in time for the 11am main session. It's always interesting bringing someone you either don't know exceedingly well or just don't know how they react to certain things, to something that you can be a bit self-concious about - particularly when it has been talked up either by you or others. I truly suck at explaining what Soul is like, except that it doesn't have all that manufactured hype of Planetshakers type things - which is why I like it. Sermon wasn't the best I'd heard (to be honest) but not bad, had a bit on leadership at the end. Which got me thinking. Katie who seems to be super obeservant of Bec's sometimes unusal facial expressions asked me if stuff was okay. Not exactly, but I found it incredibally hard to explain as I couldn't really work it out myself. Something about knowing say, you're in a leadership position but not feeling it... words still don't do it justice. I shoved it to the side of my brain. Lunch was had down at Salsa Viva (such a horribly daggy/tacky name). Nachos which got forgotten. It was nicely comfortable with Sam, Katie, Dave, Jas, Katies friend (another Katrina) and Laura briefly. I've had better Nachos. Bring back the Tabor ones! I was in a, 'must do something other than just sit' mood. So after some significant stalling Sam, Jas, Laura and I went up to the Video workshop where we bumped into Jess. Did some listening/video stuff. It was okay, I never find the workshops that brilliant but yeah the guy had some interesting stuff to talk about around a documentry he was doing on some slavery/priest weird stuff in Ghana. Look for it on Compass one day (perhaps). Jess, Sam and I took Jas back to the station. Returned for the afternoon session. I went off on my own to Youth Leadership. Mike Pilovachi was running it and he's funny, does a good job Biblically etc... I sat with Chrissy (Jess C's friend whom I've met once before) so I wasn't an entire londer. God was kind enough to put all those unwordable questions/feelings into context in that session as it turned more into something just about leadership rather than youth leadership. So I left rather encouraged and extremely satisfied in chosing it (?). I think of my time up at Soul and am fairly sure that this was my highlight. Free sausage sizzle for dinner. The first one I got given was really not cooked so I threw it out. I got a second one, but it was more like 2/3rds of one. Evening session. Rather full on. I had another debate within myself about being comfortable and feeling 'conformish' when it comes to worship (and I hold that term lightly within this context as worship is a lifestyle thing and not just a singing thing etc). How can I be me, be authentic when I'm in that kind of situation? I was hungry - hence my stomach was screaming at me in strange ways (not vocal, but pain-like). There was a lot being said about joy. I hit 3/4 (or more) time and thought, no I can't be in this room any longer as it was getting too much, I felt extremely disengaged and horribly worn out from being around people for an extended period of time with none to myself. So I left, mid session on the pretence of needing the toilet (which I did need). I took my journal out with me when I left, intending to write something down. I realised I'd left my camera in with Sam and because of that, realised that I was not meant to be writing or phototaking (Bec logic believe me, it works). So I walked. I found a backstreet in Belgrave and had a serious chat with God (actually a lot of listening). I don't know how smart it is to walk around there when it's almost dark - but I did and I'm still here to talk about it. I was reasonably upset (although thats far too strong a word to use and it's an annoying word at that) confused is better. After praying and walking I found this moon. God told me then and there that he was happy with me as I was (context)and somehow found a short, non-wordy way to deal with all the 'where am I in relation to this whole worship thing?'. The moon was brilliant. Entirely full with an orange glow. I stood on the curve of the road with this strange bent tree almost sillohetted against a beautiful sky and this moon that was quite incredible. God does not need us each to be like the other in our response (or whatever you want to call it). Why be false to who you are? Futhermore, why not appreciate others in the way they were made to connect with God and really appreciate it instead of sitting in your 'this is uncomfortable' chair, sitting on your hands staring at the ceiling. The moon was one of those moments I wished I'd had a camera and knew entirely that I wasn't meant to have one on me all at the same time. I wandered back. Several cars distrupted what was previously silence. It was if things had been said and heard and met and confirmed and now the world was free to include me again. They were still going when I got back. I went back inside. A huge contrast from time alone to a large auditorium full of noise and people. It was interesting, but I saw things differently. I was glad (I guess) in who I was and didn't feel the pressure that was there beforehand. And thats probably a very sloppy explanation of the whole deal, but it shall have to do. Saturday morning: Mum eventually rocks up, she, Laura and I go for morning tea to kill some time before my train (Mum came up to pick up Laura for work and me sort of). I started feeling vaguely sick and left a good proportion of the custard tart I had. I got the train to Flinders feeling incredibally sick the whole time. The best thing then and there would have been for me to throw up, but no. Got tram to Lomah Cafe. Where we had our 'gush' meeting. Matty Hill met me a few stops before I got there - just because (I don't know the whole story behind that, I think he was bored). It was a really productive time with more people there than I expected. I managed hardly any lunch and felt like chucking my guts roughly every five minutes if not constantly (I'd say nauseaus but I can't spell it properly and I can't stand the word). I lamented the fact that I'd used the last panadol I'd had in my bag so suffered in silence after asking Christina if she had any (no). Paul, Jas and John ate the rest of my lunch for me. I played more of an introvert than I would have liked (particularly as yeah, I wasn't initially intending to so much because if you start off louder then you have to keep it up) which was largely due the fact that I felt so blah and so ready to puke. Sorry all. I did have good intentions (sure sure). We Craig and Carly'ed it in the evening. Ended up eating pizza (or trying pathetically) and playing Scum King (Warlords and Scumbags - a card game). Which I ended up winning - as much as you can with a game that has multiple rounds. I scored some drugs (panadol) off Carly so things got fractionally better. Refused to drive home (when Dad came). Christina was with me, so small talked it out on the way home. Hurrah, keen eye to spot her 'Red Frog' tshirt = conversation topic that lasted. I played the host(ess), "This is where things are" and left her to her own devices as I felt mightily crap and so went to bed. 6:30 start. I wake up fine. By breakfast I am feeling a bit sick. On the train I feel horrible, I tell Christina there is no way I am eating lunch. Got to Essendon Baps on time. Interesting service, a bit of a time warp. Feel absolutely shocking until just before they finished up, lunch is a possibility. Back to Lomah where we are upstairs with some of Paul's church friends. I managed lunch and felt okay. Wandered Southbank etc showing the non-Victorians a bit of Melbourne. Watched two guys play giant chess and stopped to watch some jewellery shop adverstisement about 'how to impress girls', which was funny (context) and lame and only half right. Whereby Christina asks if either of the three (P,J,J) had girlfriends to my, "No they don't" and so we decide to set up a weekly 'impress the girls' tip/column for them... which wont happen obviously, but in light of the striving adverstisment and the fact that we stood and watched the whole thing - more the fact that they stood and watched the whole thing, quite appropriate. I somehow got convinced to go to city church (Planetshakers) which was a horrific shock :) no not really, to my laid back system. I really don't like it much, too much hype and screaming and jumping and 'We all live happy lives' and take verses WAY out of context. Had a good inner laugh at my thoroughly indoctrinated mind and the theological radar in my head which was bleeping on high alert. Reggie Dabs. To be entirely honest I don't see why people make such a huge fuss about him being so good. He was okay. A billion times better than the last thing I heard there, but mmm. still not quite... Yes thats right, I'll just be a complaining/critiquing whinge who is long overdue for more sleep. Hmm and I should just about call it a night. This is long winded and has taken a bit of time surprise surprise. Possibly badly writen either gramatially, informationally (which is not even a word) etc... but ha stuff that, deal with it. Paul, Jas and John shall be here tomorrow (hurrah, saves me another 2hrs on public transport) at my place. We shall scourge the hole of a town I live in and probably frequent Morrisons (which is somehow not part of the 'hole'). Sam if you happen to read this before I get on to you. Feel free to come down to meet them. Bed for me now. I may have missed a lot, but hopefully got some of the standout moments down. Managed to half work out something else I've been thinking about/questioning but I'll save that for another time perhaps or more than likely, never.

Wednesday, January 11, 2006

Revised

And so the supposed departure time of 12:00pm gets revised to 1pm and revised again to 2pm. It does seem more reasonable. It has been raining. We are in tents tonight - it shall make for interesting setting up. Laura's blog mentions that the focus of Soul this year shall be Social Justice. Which almost makes me want to run full pelt in the other direction. Too much! No. It's a good thing, I've just spent the whole of the second half of last year hearing about it and thinking about doing stuff about it. I'm sick of hearing about it, I'd rather be doing it and to tell you the truth I'm not entirely sure where to start. If I lived elsewhere... but that is just an excuse and a bad one at the same time. The easiest thing I can think of is to sponsor a Compassion child. Right. Well that's been the intention for over a year now and I still haven't done anything about it. Besides that's hardly giving how I give best, if I can even justify myself that way? Yes I'm a miser but when it comes down to it I don't really care about money that much, I don't spend much. I don't mind at all if it goes somewhere useful but giving is not how I love. Time and words - the one on one is how I best love. Surely there is a void somewhere in the world for that? Afterall the thing that every human being seems to face at once time or another, if not constantly is loneliness. It costs more to give time. Because if you give time you are giving of yourself and not something partially removed from you. Thats how I see it. Undoubtably it is different for alternate individuals - but I can only live my own life and not yours. I might avoid the social justice seminars. Depending on work I shall go to the following sessions if the timetable stays the same. Thursday (if not working):

  • Going Solo (which is one one one with God stuff) or Friendship
  • Youth Leaders that last (probably something translateable into online youth stuff - I do make things complicated)
...woah Mark Sayers is going to be there, didn't know that! Friday (if not working):
  • Women and Leadership in the Church (Jim Reiher's great, he's in the greens party has interesting views on politics and well 'women in ministry'. It has been a privalage to pick his brains a few times last year) or Finding God's Plan for my life (but the title's putting me off because I think that there is a healthy dose of freewill that holds an interesting paradox with plans and how we think that we can limit God and ourselves if we have to conform to xyz).
  • Anything She can Do (no idea what this is about) or Growing in Youth Leadership
And I have no idea about which worshops are running when but I intend to wander along to the writing/journalling type ones which I so hope are running while I'm there, maybe Art or just grab it as free time rather than be stuck doing 'vocals' or 'drama' (so help me!). I miss the relationship panel which was thoroughly amusing last time. Always the most popular (I wonder why!) but that's always on the Sunday afternoon. I'm also not sure when Sons of Korah are playing... would be good to see them live again. I guess I should go with the expectation that God intends to challenge me on something or stretch me in a certain area, as of this moment I'm not sure what exactly that would be. Ahh I love learning, I'm not being sarcastic in the slightest. I spent part of yesterday and this morning thinking/getting stuff down for the national meetup. Paul told me to do all the mod's roles stuff, so hopefully I've done things satisfactorly. He also mentioned something about going over the forum rules - not quite sure what he want's there. Might have a chat with Jas about it if I end up catching him before Saturday. So until next time. Think about - no. Do something about the whole social justice thing so you can let me know (and so save me sussing stuff out) what you've done. It is important however much easier it is to be apathetic about the world.

Tuesday, January 10, 2006

Looking different

For two days in a row Sam has commented on me. "You look different Bec" and then something which I dug from the crevices of my mind later on about what she'd said, "You look really happy". I can only shrug. I don't know why I look different or 'more happy'. I have been fairly cheerful lately - I've had some decent days doing interesting things, God stuff's better or getting there. Maybe some of knowing I have a full and social and hopefully enjoyable week or so coming up. I like having things to look forward to. Tomorrow around lunchtime I head up to Soul Suvivor for the Wednesday night (at least) and then find out about work sometime that afternoon. It's quite frustrating only knowing work a week in advance. Then back to Soul probably on Friday, down to Ascot Vale on Saturday for gush (or 'The Forum' rather) meetups. Somewhere - I think Rosanna for 'social' stuff that night. Back home with someone I don't even know. Back to Essendon in the morning, then the cafe again... So I do that until Tuesday, and then it all comes to a sad and grinding halt. And I was going to write more but I'm too sleepy to think properly. Early night tonight maybe? Probably a smart thing considering I'll be tenting it hopefully the next 3 nights. ...got to work out if there is anything I've forgotten to pack.

Strangers in the woodwork

Due to an extensive email filter I get all my blog comment notifications in as spam. I often just ignore and delete them - sometimes I 'release' them by replying (serves me right, I should use the gmail account rather than the other one). Anyway, I got a mass this morning thanks to Sam and I couldn't be bothered waiting for them so I explored some of my older blog posts and was quite surprised to find comments by Edouard. So. Hi. I don't mind you reading this at all, I am however curious as to how you got here. How did you? I thought I had the listing hidden on my profile. My main concern is less of others finding this and more of certain siblings finding this. Thankfully Laura who would be most interested is not really that technologically inclined. I am curious though... I have wondered on and off a bit lately if I should open this up a bit more, even maybe let Laura read this. I think it might be jumping the gun just slightly on the comfortable status. A big part of me would like to stay the sister next door a small part disagrees. One day. For the moment I'll stay as a coward. Laura now blogs here: Accoucheur There are certain individuals that probably shouldn't ever read this as I have been more than honest and it would take a bit of explaining. Mon for example. I appreciate her effort I really do, but it wears me out. Well yes so that's that. Who still lurks around here anyway? Seeing as Dave and Jane both confessed to me that they gave up as I was just writing too much.

Gelati

This morning I had a driving lesson. Be all overjoyed and happy for me, I should have my P's by the end of Feb :)....:D She (Emma) was really nice, I was comfortable driving her car, didn't make any real stuff ups. But female and young... you expect them to be old and male! By 1:30 I was in the car with Jane, Dave and Sam. Jane decided to kindly pay us a visit all the way from Geelong (sure she might have had other reasons she was up this way...) We went for lunch at Sophias, surprise surprise. Then took a massive amount of gelati back to Dave's house and sat around the table eating it and talking. It was good. We watched some circus something (I didn't get the name - something to do with circus Olay) which was rather amazing. Talked more. Jane - if you still read this. I like your directness. Sam, Jane and I came back to my place for a looksee. Then they left. I had bbq dinner thing and got all annoyed at the parentals for something or other, walked the dog in the half rain with Emily. Watched 3 episodes of Alias with Laura. The long and the short of it. It was a good day, a fun day, enjoyable.

Sunday, January 08, 2006

Jelly days and fishy nights

A rundown of the past day or so. Yesterday evening Mum decided she wanted to go to the aquarium - somehow we all ended up going. Laura's said she felt really young again doing the whole family outing thing. I agreed. I directly reminded Mum that, "We are no longer six, so don't speak to us like we are." Sometimes I despair of her, have to remind myself that she is the way she is and I can't really change that. How harsh does that sound :S It was quite good regardless. The jellyfish were utterly astounding, the sharks being a tad less impressive than the Sydney aquarium but still sharkish and mysterious and the coral reef bits made me sufficently homesick for snorkelling and the Solomons and the marine tank we used to own. So I sat in this great big long bean bag thing and watched the massive fish and sharks and stingrays and thought about how it would be a good place to come (all day) to just think. Hmm. a future possibility perhaps? That, or come all day with someone and sit there and talk about everything and anything - simply as it is an unusual and interesting location and why wouldn't you bring someone you wanted to talk to, to a place like that? I tried to forget the matter of the legionares disease scares. See some jelly fish and go to flickr to see more. We ended up going to the sale at the Exhibition centre later on and that was a major waste of time. Rather overwhelming too at the volume of books and stuff they had there, entirely trippy when you are walking along rows and rows of books and cds trying to see if there is anything worth buying. It was kind of nice doing the whole family outing thing. Mum did mention that 'we are' going on a holiday (3 days) at the end of January up to Bright or somewhere near there. I made up mind that I am not going to go. I told myself that last time was the last time (at least for a while). I don't want to have to shuffle work and I would welcome the space and time. I told them this - they can't really do much about it, and know it. It's not that I don't like spending time with them - yes I do find it difficult but three days would probably be quite okay. Sometimes you have to draw a few lines particularly if it's going to (I hope) vaguely flick a few switches on in certain parent's minds. Saying that, Mum's not stupid, she knows very well - I guess it's just another sad little attempt of Bec's to invent independance. Church this morning. Was okay, the sermon wasn't very sermonish in the typical sense, talked more about church values again, but stuff that they are adressing which I was pleased to see. I decided that I'm going to give Vineyard a shot until/if God gives me a whopping big shove to move on. Analise wont be around much longer as she's moving up to somewhere for uni, but I'm slowly starting to get to know a few of the others. We went to someones house for lunch, none of their 'older' kids could make it, two of them away and their oldest (whom I know by sight - 20's something age) lives elsewhere. Really nice people, she's teaching maths at MECS (they finally score a decent methods teacher!). They had a pool. Which was excellent considering the weather was warm enough. Swum. It's so nice to swim again. Laughed a fair bit with Em and Laura. It's weird you know I've spent more time with Laura recently (thanks to watching various episodes of Alias *cough*) - not sure exactly why but we are beginning to have slightly more than just passing by conversations, its a good thing. I'm just not sure where it's headed. My family is weird. I think everyone timewarped a bit being 'out' at someone's place for lunch. Australians dont' seem to do that much - share meals. But a heap of old stories resurfaced. I think they either thought we were a lot more outgoing than we actually are, or just plain strange. And tomorrow I shall attempt to find a, "What's distincitive about missionary kids" list as Mum, Hannah and I talked about it in the car on the way home. Quite interesting. Oh, I have a driving lesson tomorrow - a real one. If you are going to 'invent independance' you'd best do something about it. Sleep dreams.