Wednesday, June 07, 2006


There is no way I'm going to bed just yet, well I'm sitting in it but sleep's not exactly an option, despite having a sore throat, sneezing and feeling generally not impressed about the evening. Someone (one of you readers once upon a time) asked how to push my buttons, as generally I'm a relatively easy going person. I don't know when the 'easier going thing happened' because there was definitely a long period there of being extremely vocal about what annoyed me, what 'wasn't right', what didn't revolve around me and so forth. Perhaps I grew up a bit. NB the 'generally' because I have no way worked everything out and the fuse can get really really short. A 'how to' guide on frustrating Rebecca would possibly (definitely) include the following: ...erm perhaps it's when my character gets called into question? I don't know how much I'm interpreting what this person was trying to clarify but wow it didn't feel good. I can't help but think back to the 'Reformer' post. * Basic Fear: Of being corrupt/evil, defective * Basic Desire: To be good, to have integrity, to be balanced Integrity is something that blows the roof of importance with me. However blunt I am, however direct or forward or even sometimes picked as 'rude' there are places I just wont go. And it makes me pretty mad when people even vaguely point to something they have overanalysed into existance that does cross into that area. I find it really difficult when people think the world is out to get them - or at least 'everyone in the world'. That and when people try and try to find the hidden meanings behind what someone said when there ISN'T anything. Who does really try to layer all they say? It's unreasonable - except if you happen to be trying your darndest to make some kind of obsucure literary joke. By all means clarify but don't let it fester and elaborate and grow and argh! We all have our short comings, but super insecure people truly get to me sometimes. Other frustrations of the evening (and the above btw was an extrapolated version of something fairly minor - it illustrated the principle and nicely allowed me to define it - something hasn't annoyed me quite that personally in a while). Pen leaked in my bag, all over my phone, onto the Velvet Elvis book which is pretty much all white etc... Not happy. The last book a pen leaked over was also a good one, and also nearly all white but not new like this one is - just my luck. We get to Young Adults and so and so starts talking about having a time to process or whatever about Pete and Kathy moving on. Perhaps I was in a 'be irritated' mood - but I guess I didn't go this evening wanting to think about it. I'm very tired of having to be inovative, directional and it's like stuck into the core of me somewhere. It frustrates me more when there is a blank space there for 'anything goes'. People talk and talk and talk and grab a puny idea that is good theoretically but not in practice and want to talk about it for hours and can't see the practical ramifications (ok so totally thinking along something else now). I'd rather see things hit some kind of conclusion. I prefer descisions to be made. I hate living in the inbetween zone. I don't even know how this relates to what went on tonight (and don't get me wrong, it was good) but but... it's hard to be content as a 'team player' when you want to push things forward (but don't know where to) and hard to do the leader thing when you're tired of it and having to think about it elsewhere - at the same time I'm not content with just sitting back. Passivity is the scourge... and now Im rambling and ranting and I don't know what or how it all relates. Something about tonight really got up my nose (besides what's making me sneeze).


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