Dare I return to this again?

So... I noticed this on Stephen's blog and although I don't find it overly hilarious, it's kind of a decent way to point out some flaws and identifying factors of the whole Myers Briggs thing. ~love the resident INTJ'er The Prayer for Myers Briggs Types ISTJ: Lord help me to relax about insignificant details beginning tomorrow at 11:41.23 am e.s.t. ISTP: God help me to consider people's feelings, even if most of them ARE hypersensitive. ESTP: God help me to take responsibility for my own actions, even though they're usually NOT my fault. ESTJ: God, help me to not try to RUN everything. But, if You need some help, just ask. ISFJ: Lord, help me to be more laid back and help me to do it EXACTLY right. ISFP: Lord, help me to stand up for my rights (if you don't mind my asking). ESFP: God help me to take things more seriously, especially parties and dancing. ESFJ: God give me patience, and I mean right NOW. INFJ: Lord help me not be a perfectionist. (did I spell that correctly?) INFP: God, help me to finish everything I sta ENFP: God,help me to keep my mind on one th-Look a bird-ing at a time. ENFJ: God help me to do only what I can and trust you for the rest. Do you mind putting that in writing? INTJ: Lord keep me open to others' ideas, WRONG though they may be. INTP: Lord help me be less independent, but let me do it my way. ENTP: Lord help me follow established procedures today. On second thought, I'll settle for a few minutes. ENTJ: Lord, help me slow downandnotrushthroughwatIdo. Amen.

Of which I am ashamed

About 5 minutes ago I bought the camera out to the kitchen and mum gave me a panicky, "Don't put this on the blog!" Now usually I'd respect this kind of statement but in order to expose the most shameful thing about our house and to hopefully prevent it from happening as often, I'd like to introduce you to our fridge. I live in what I think is a pretty good house. Being one of the 'neater' (most of the time) members of our household I'm generally fairly satisfied with the way things are - when I choose to ignore the numerous bits and pieces of 'collections' mum has around the place. The fridge is a totally different matter. I've known Laura to jump infront of friends to 'not let them look' only to appologise profusely afterwards. "Just shove it where it fits, if it fits" is said fairly often as well as, "I don't want to know what's in there". So it's been bad for a LONG time now since no one has bothered to clean the good old, cold, white thing. I've been avoiding it as much as possible. I could just clean it, but I find that there is vast difference between cleaning say, my room and cleaning off food and out of date salad dressings. I do throw the occasional suss looking item out but I do my absolute best to steer clear of getting involved. I'd rather solve the problem by prevention and throwing things out well before they get really bad than deal with it only when it reaches a certain state. So I walk out to where Mum and Laura are tackling every item I don't want to know about. There are three bags of rubbish sitting on the floor. Mum poses for the photo with the packet of out of date, once ham. Maybe later I'll go looking for something in there beyond margarine and milk and venture beyond the door. Whenever I happen to move out - which could be a while. I don't ever want a fride that remotely resembles what we've got.

Artsy Fartsy

So, something at NGV (which I've been waiting for) has finally arrived. Charles Blackman's: Alice in Wonderland I was looking around the web one day and stumbled across a few of his artworks, only to discover that he'd be showing his face (or at least his paintings) later on this year in Victoria! I certainly intend to go and visit. The exhibition is on until October 15. Anyone interested?

Back state

The days seem to procure dramatically different reactions. Yesterday I had quite a few good (or messy) reasons to be not so impressed with myself and yet it was superb in straightening some things out. I did, (as you checked Monica) take some time out for myself which was very important in clarifying a few things and finding God absolutely all over that. The God stuff is on the improve - if you can claim that? Today uni cast it's ugly shaddow yet again. I am frustrated at being sort of-perfectly okay with what I'm doing one day and totally fed up with it the next. I don't exactly want to give you another gloomy blog post again, but hmm it's a bit of the reality at the moment (not everything of course but hey). The problems I have with back/neck/shoulders are usually fairly subtle, so much that I think I'm just used to it never being quite right and only after a longish day or excessive hours of having to use the computer do they really hurt, but coming home today was pretty bad and still is. It's reached a point where I'm trying to work out why I'm so 'Blah' so often and I think it's got a lot to do with it. I went to the lake for a little bit after getting back to my car because I needed to walk or move/stretch a bit or something. It's a beautiful day out there! I really should get my back checked it's no longer pleasant. Oh... and if you ever want to give me a massage? I had afternoon tea with Sam who was in a very silly/funny/hilarious mood. She gave me a present! The Garden State dvd. I am very happy as it was on my list (which doesn't really exist) of the movies I want to own. Thanks Sam! If I wasn't going out tonight, I stay home and watch it in my beautifully clean room where I can actually sit on the bean bag again. My blogs are spacing out to one day on, one day off... their content isn't so much improving. A small cause - which is excellent for me but maybe not so good for you (as a an all said and done reader) is that I've started journalling again. Wish me well in my endeavours, but do give me a prod to put something new in here now and then.

All in a day's standing around

Oh the lovelys of Connex. However much I detest and love the thing (simply because it saves me money on petrol) I really don't appreciate it taking me 3hrs to get to uni. Leaving at 7:42am and getting there around 11:42am (pretty well on the dot) is not exactly preferable. Mind you, it's probably a little bit to much to just blame on the train system. A good bit of blame must go as an almighty round of applause to Eastlink. On the lighter side. My morning made the Herald Sun and I had company pretty much the whole way. We managed to say a quick hi to James while waiting for about an hour in a line that just kept on going, got a seat on the bus, experienced three kinds - no, make that four, ways of getting from A to B, Adrian was nice and caught me up on the whole class of Studio that I managed to miss (5 minutes sure beats 2hrs), and I still got my assignment in on time! I have never seen a line of people that long before! (The photo - thanks Herald Sun, was pretty much exactly like it was but unfortunately doesn't show how far down it went) The comments on the Herald Sun article are quite amusing (some guy hitch-hiked - which was definitely one of the options being discussed by those around us). I was not at all impressed with 'miss smoker in the silver plastic vest'. She lit up in the middle of the crowd, jumped the queue and gave the uggliest greasy I've ever seen to some woman who told her off. Other than that it was all pretty peaceful, pretty amusing and fairly annoying. Just glad I was not coming from Belgrave - or it would've been ten times worse.

Habitual

It's so very easy to slide into habits and so very easy to break the good. I've been thinking a little about changing a few things in my life. That would mean pulling out (I'm thinking almost entirely) of something that I've been involved in for a long time. That would also mean removing things like msn from my computer. It has been a long time since I've had a lot of time to myself. It's funny because the whole busy thing really does sneak up on you. I can often gauge how much time I've given myself just to relax or to think by what I'm reading - or rather, not reading. I haven't read a novel in at least a month, it's oddly a pretty common self-warning bell. The state my room is another guage - at the moment it looks like a small tractor has torn it up. The state of my mind - which isn't working at all very well. I'm finding it hugely difficult to concentrate properly on things that I'd like to be able to take in - some of the fantastic theological blogs out there would be well worth devoting some time to. It seems pretty small, but when you open them, sit there, look at it, want to read it and just can't, it's no fun. I want to pour new things into my brain, but it's thoroughly convoluted and there's no room. The whole it being a selfish thing to 'take time out for myself' deal doesn't worry me anymore . You can't keep going well in life if you don't take time to recharge. I've done some things far too long and my enthusiasm (what there is of it) has really bottomed out. Cease effectiveness. I'm doing some new things, like youth. I'm really liking it and I want to put much more into it but where things stand at the moment my efforts feel like they are being spread too widely and therefore I'm not properly useful anywhere. Time for some change. Or at least to start think seriously about implementing some.

Hmmm

Because

I was quite delighted today to have my cousin (the best one) say she's addicted to reading my blog. Mum said something about the four-day lapse in thinking of checking to see if I was okay. Laura thinks I should change the font back to 'small' - anyone really disagree? I am still sick although I hope have gotten over the worst of it. The headache is down to an occasional temporary throb and sits as dull background the rest of the time. Not exactly sure how up to doing 'Messy Games' at youth tonight but I can only try. I've spent a bit of the morning and all the afternoon working on my website for some fictional bookselling company "Second Book on the Right" (here's to making up random names). Doing my usual overcomplicate things until realising - or actually reading the assignment info again, that I could ignore all php/java scripting entirely if I so desired. I could've saved rather a lot of time instead of stuffing around investigating things. So it's almost done, just need to throw in a few product pages and hope like mad that when it comes to client & server side scripting that I will have worked out what's going on. Not bad, considering most of this was done very last minute and I haven't really done a website in well over two years. Dreamweaver skills - as easy as the program is, came flooding back pretty fast. Yeah right to coding from scratch when it has to be done by Monday (or tomorrow morning so I don't have to think about it any more and can go be as social as I like). Some things are not worth the effort when there are perfectly suitable and allowable ways to do it simply. I was thinking about holidays yesterday, possibly because I want one so badly, and how when it comes to the actual event I spend it mostly bored out of my brain or annoyed at myself for sleeping far too long and wasting each day. I should plan myself a holiday. I've always said I'd like to take a few days or a week just for myself. Go down to the Rye house or similar and be a blissful loner for a little while. Maybe take a wanted friend (how rude). Bring copious ammounts of interesting books, good music, a camera and hope the sun's doing what it does best and filling that front room until there is no more space, then go to sleep in it without getting sunburnt and have no pressure from uni, from other people, from any 'to do' list - real or not real. And simply enjoy myself. Frankly I think my body is tired from being sick and my mind is tired from irrational stress about assignments that always get done on time anyway and from attempting to work out 'next'. Whatever other part of me left is tired - just because.

The Shape of Me and Other Stuff

Hannah tells me it's been four days since I've blogged. So here I am again (back finally!) to give you a run down on the past few days. It's Thursday today. My week has looked like this: Monday - fairly standard, I think. I'm having a lot of trouble remembering anything special which isn't surprising. *Oh wow. Huge appologies (sorry Tom). Monday night we had a YITS catchup thingo - how could I forget. In around the Hawthorn area at Alecia/Laura/Em's place. Heaps of them all came up. Tom and Jane all the way from Geelong (was very happy to see them), Dawn from Castlemaine. There was all kinds of carpooling going on and it was a generally enjoyable evening with some rather wonderful pizza that had pumpkin on it. Tuesday wound itself into something pretty spectacular (which is exaggerating maybe a bit), Geoff and I decided we'd have a 'card playing' night with Anita (his sister) and whichever of mine were home. I left uni early as I was feeling pretty blah. Slept for three hours when I got home and decided to not mention it so that the evening would still happen. It turned out Anita was babysitting and Laura had a uni friend over (others all out). So Colin and Tim joined the invite list. Col couldn't come, so I unsucessfully tried to get on to Analise to make up some numbers, gave up and found Tony in my phone, after which Ana called and decided to come anyway. I was way out of it and there were frequent comments all evening about how dead I looked, but it was great fun. Wednesday was one of "those" days. Relatively horrible really. It started well. Caught the train with Geoff, Matt (from uni) was there too, and Gabe and he were on my bus. I get along well with both of them even though they mostly just talk about games... both friendly. I spent the lecture (which I couldnt really hear because he refused to turn his mic on) talking to Justin (the mature aged student) about the assignment and uni in general. This is the assignment that the due date was listed in one place as September 28th - it is wrong!!! It's now due on August 28th, which is what I thought originally. I am of-course not impressed and tomorrow is going to be all about finishing it. Anyway, Justin's always been really nice to me - I think it's sadly got something to do with my work ethic, but I certainly needed it. I got the lecutre slides off him - these are the ones the lecturer refuses to give out to make people come to his classes, which is all very well, but really not very convenient for looking back on. I don't want to know how he got them. So we were talking about how certain subjects were a complete waste of time and how people just talk through them etc. And I mentioned how really not happy I am with the course I'm in etc etc... He offered to buy me a coffee (just in a nice way) and just work on stuff etc... I declined and opted to go home as I was feeling pretty lousy. So, the bus trip back was full of 'what next' thoughts. Various ad's around Box Hill station taunted me with, "She'll find out what She's Cut out For" etc... And Dad got a call from Johann (Dad's overseas atm) which I answered, he had a brief chat to me and told me to stay in uni *glare* (I didn't really want to explain the full circumstance so I just let it slide). The hard reality of the situation is that when it comes down to it, I really don't want to continue in the course I'm in. There are quite a few reasons. The people are fine - but the level and quality of what's being taught, and what it is just isn't fitting. I don't think it's the area I want to end up in. But then, I don't really know what is. I'm not at uni, 'just to get a qualification', I'd like to hope the three years would at least be fractionally interesting. At the moment I can't see how I'd come out of the course knowing much more than what I already did, or what's common sense then when I went in. I'm not being arrogant - sadly just realistic. I don't want to not study, but I think I need to change angles or at least get into something that will stretch my mind. Of the evening - I changed my mind multiple times about going to the 'girls' thingo (Usual young adults stuff a bit different this week). I wanted to, but when it came down to it was feeling far too blah so I stayed home watched Two-Weeks Notice (veryaverage chick-flick) and went to bed at 9:00! Thursday. I am now definitely sick with something. After 14hrs sleep woke up with a headache and sore throat. It was pretty good day really. Easy. I worked most of it. Ebay stuff is going well. I will think about the assignment tomorrow. And so, that's the rather boring run-down. Quality literature from a very tired mind. I shall continue no doubt in the next few hours to feel pretty lousy, make some dinner, have a shower, go to bed,read and then turn out the lights early again. btw. Isn't that picture great! (the Blogg one) it's from a Seuss book of the title of this blog post.

Reality is like a fine wine

Before I begin - or by way of beginning , I've stolen the phrase, "Reality is like a fine wine" from Donald Miller's Searching For God Knows What, which I happened to start (pretty timely) this evening. I think the phrase is both satisfying, beautiful and pretty relevant to what I want to say. This week a friend asked me quite out of the blue, "What is maturity and how do people become mature?" (In the context I think of Christianity) It's a far larger question than I gave proper concern to at the time and I was pretty flabbergasted about how I should go about answering her effectively. In my slight late night stupor I made mention of living life directed beyond yourself and other such (lame) things. Perhaps this was touching the surface, but I by no means did the question justice. So this morning when we had a 'four-corners' morning at church and one session was on, "Maturity and growth" I did a bit of a mind dance (the only kind of dance I ever do) and deserted the idea of joining the youth. It was a fairly big dissapointment in terms of what I was after. You really shouldn't always enter with tight specifications/expectations or you are far too eaisly let down. Whatever the case, I didn't really hear anything very well due to her style and her approach which really just wasn't me. I spent the majority of the time getting frustrated at myself for being frustrated, checking alternate passages in the Bible, contemplating something a guy said during prophesy time this morning that went totally against something she said and the other bit of the time just a little bit furious over some 'American' comment or other. Luckily for you, this is now a very large part of why you are reading a post on maturity. So my 'tight specifications' here are to make some kind of small headway in to looking at what it is. That saying, this will most likely (at the best) only suceed to throw up the question in your own face. I can hope that I can have further conversations with you about this. I think the curious thing about looking at maturity for me personally is that so many of the underlying things about maturity and growth like change and patience have all been rather big issues for me. Pain in the butt type things and I think it's probably a pretty common road we all find at some stage. "My verse" for last year, the one that just 'happened' was, "Let us fix our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of our faith" - Heb 12:2 (the first part) Which I possibly misconstrue it in my mind at several stages, but hung on to it pretty tightly and I hope sought to do what it said. It was a year for a lot of growth. I also, (and am not too ashamed to admit it... I think) read a lot of non-fiction, some of which could be described as 'self-help'. It's no secret that it facinates me and I do hope that I keep things in perspective. I definitely like the idea of, 'growing me' and it's really easy to get off the right track and think I can manage by myself and work things out and set things up. So my background for growth and maturity hasn't been that passive at all, although breaking things down into a tangible process and working out 'what's happened' is tricky. To cut back to the wine quote, let me give you the fuller version (which is laughably not much fuller).

"Reality is like a fine wine... it will not appeal to children."

Why equate maturity with reality? I hope I'm not doing that, but reality is what happens to us. We aren't technically children any more (unless there are any odd exceptions reading this blog) although we certainly act like children and approach life in childish ways far too often. One of the primary childish ways I fall for over and over again is the issue of control. I'd like very much to have a step by step process to form maturity in me. Then I know what's going on. I can determine how fast that happens. I can get a grasp on God and on myself and on my life and where it's going. The more I look at maturity (just by what I've come across today even) is that so much of it isn't our business at all. The incongruency I came across today in the prophesy/'sermon' was do with how, "Circumstances don't mould us, God does". Which at a quick look sits fine, but maybe doesn't take into account that circumstances have a huge impact on who we are and what we become. Then of course you can use the plee that, 'God directs all the circumstances in our lives'. It's interesting really how the dictionary definition for mature gives the following:

• Having reached full natural growth or development
• Having reached a desired or final condition
• Worked out fully by the mind
• No longer subject to great expansion or development

...and other such similar things. If an 'end point' is the subject of becoming mature, there's got to be a LOT more God in it than us. I was going to chuck a lump of verses your way, contextualise them etc... but it's not happening. So a few of those I've been thinking about through this, James 1:2-5 Philipians 2 Romans 5:1-5 and more... Maturity is hard to gauge, impossible to plot out except sometimes in retrospect where you can see what you were and who you've become. I like learning, I like growing. The further I get along the supposed life continum the more blurry any clear learning gets. I'm really quite unsure of a lot of the God stuff at the moment, how it all plays out. I'm just sure God's trying to blow a few preconceptions out of the water,

"The truth is there are a million steps, and we don't even know what the steps are, and worse, at any given moment we may not be willing or even able to take them; and still worse, they are different for you and me and they are always changing. I have come to believe the sooner we find this truth beautiful, the sooner we will fall in love with the God who keeps shaking things up, keeps changing the path, keeps rocking the boat to test our faith in Him, teaching us not to rely on easy answer, bullet points, magic mantras, or genies in lamps, but rather on His guidance, His existence, His mercy and His love." - (Searching for God Knows What)

We can think we know who God is, and we can even think we know who we are and then hit the point of realising we don't know very much at all. Maturity I don't think is something we can force. We can try all we like to extend our character. We'll have those life situations that make us grow up quickly, but ultimately it isn't something we can do by ourselves or on our own. I'm still starting to think now that perhaps we should really just let God deal with the whole lot and instead just look at who he is... not of course as an excuse for a passive existence. Hopefully maturity is us pushing ourselves (perhaps with a bit of intention) to live holy lives. Impossible without God. Steering clear from childish behavior but still approaching the throne of grace with the childlike acknowledgement of Father. How to be mature? I think that one is for you to figure out and to ask God about if you dare to have made clear those areas that are childish. Far from my rather arrogant position this morning of not really 'geling' with the whole Growth/Maturity sermon, I think perhaps I was looking for a far more formulated process. Maturity is a huge amount about, who God is, obedience, surrender and sacrifice. (Her points) How maturity plays out and will play out in your own life of course is something I can't tell you. I can hardly touch the corners of it in my own reality. It's a good thing that God's doing the 'good work in me'. ...and really, was the gut of this post maturity or something else altogether?

Smart

Oh look, Dad 'dropped' by the blog from the Solomons. Solomon Islands > Honiara, Makira One small minor issue there: Honiara is no way on Makira. Honiara is on Guadalcanal. Makira is a totally different island. At least it exists! Nice try Blogger.

Oh the drama!

Every single time! Any time I have anywhere I have to dress up for even just slightly, I get accosted. Emily and Hannah's eyes light up and I start hearing, "It'll look natural... just a little bit... if I do this you can have..." and Mum starts using horrid phrases like 'dolled up' (no joke. it's cringe worthy 3,000,000 times and she knows I despise it). Anyway so tonight it's a 21st. Nothing that fancy. Emily insisted interferring as the Haigs is out at her own party. I had my way by refusing to wear what she tried to make me and am wearing exactly what I intended to. She got turned down for foundation, mascara etc... but managed a little bit of I don't know what. Such bother! I mean really, if makeup is going to 'look natural' and 'hardly be seen' and it's night-time anyway and the lights I doubt will be up to sun-type standards, then what's really much of the point? Look a little bit. Whatever, I can deal with it, it can look nice but why is it ever that important!

Blue on Blue

Well a bit boring to poke another 'media of the moment' type thing at you. But yesterday I managed to come across the new Leigh Nash CD, "Blue on Blue" (former lead singer of Sixpence None the Richer). I knew it was coming out in August and was intending to get my hands on it, but not expecting it to be around so soon. Anyway, it's a winner. Probably on the more 'cheesy' end of the scale of music I listen to - much more 'pop' than Sixpence stuff. But her voice is beautiful and you can either 'no brainer' the thing or have a decent listen. It was declared 'liked' immediately by at least Laura and Hannah. I guess you could compare it slightly to Sarah McLaughlan - not that I really know any of her stuff. Same producer guy, same genre apparently. Just sort of... hmm, fun, enjoyable and a lot less depressing than a lot of Sixpence Stuff. Written mostly to/about her husband and son with the underlying 'God stuff' poked in there pretty subtley (true Sixpence style) now and then. Favourite songs thus far would probably have to be Along the Wall or Never Finish.

Adaptation

Very pleased this was recommended to me. I finally got around to watching Adaptation tonight. Wow what a fantastic movie! Arthousey enough to make me think, thrillerish enough to sufficiently freak me out (possibly not ideal), but an EXCELLENT movie. Do bother watching it if you haven't.

Last shot

On June the 18th 2005 I bought a camera. Today that camera rewarded me with a System Error. I thought the SD card would've been the first to cark it. Sadly no. I have given the funny old thing a run for it's money and have taken thousands of photos - so many photos that I'd just tipped the 9,999 limit and the counter had restarted. This is still pretty frustrating, particularly as the waranty ran out only two months ago. You'd hope a $600 camera would last you longer than a year. I sincerly doubt it's worth getting fixed. Cheaper to just get a new one. It was already starting to tell that the button was getting less responsive. So. I guess it's now on to saving for a digital SLR and work out what my dream (but still affordable) camera is. I somehow don't think buying one is going to happen any time soon. much sadness.

Design

Wow. I don't think I've EVER in my life drooled so much over a blog. Such designs!!! The badges, the mugs, the bags, the art! And I came across it by accident! I like. I like! Print & Pattern

A Brief History of the Smile

The real reason for the blog title is that I had an hour or two to kill at uni today and I spent a lot of it in the Library reading psychology books. I came across a book with the name, "A Brief History of the Smile". Some titles are simply satisfying. It was begging to be used. So I'm using it. To make it all slightly relevant. Something that I have great cause to smile about was that I was having had a bit of chat to God on the way to young adults and throwing something in about maybe it'd be nice to just be encouraged. I'm not sure why, I don't feel that much of a need for it, things are pretty good. And... We split into groups for the evening and spent time praying for eachother (and other stuff). So Dylan, James, Ana and I had a bit of chat about what's going on in life as a heads up about what to pray for. My spiel was very very short with the whole, well things really are going pretty well at the moment - then we got sidetracked into other peoples stuff. I didn't mind. I didn't have much push to share anything at all really. So we're praying and I realise I didn't exactly give people 'stuff' to be specific about. Hmm okay, whatever we'll just get the 'general' deal if at all. Then James starts praying for me, and he's talking about enjoying where I'm at, and knowing God as Father and ALL these other 'key words' for me at the moment. It was amazingly spot on. It's not something I'd talked about, he'd have no way of knowing. It's just been bits now and then for me from God but enough that I've been clued into it. I let him know about it later. I love how God dropped this 'answer' to my offhand,"Hmm a bit of encouragement would be nice" thing, just right there. I couldn't have conceptualised how encouragement during tonight would be - but it was pretty well perfect and pretty well where I needed it. Nice to know God's definitely still around. So. That's what I have to smile about.

3,000 and counting

Good bloggers don't keep track of how many people visit, but I've been watching one of my stat counters (the newer one) and it's just tipped 3,000. Three cheers for All Said and Done. Which is fairly impressive and mabye probably a lot inaccurate. But it's a big number, and I like big numbers...sometimes. This time last year I posted the angry version of Shout to the Lord. Which gives me a really good excuse to link through to Christina's post on prayer because I like it lots and I've been meaning to mention it ever since it got caught in my bloglines. The evil assignment is pretty much done. Except three diagrams. My budget section... well, I could've possibly done that better. It's a royal pain being a perfectionist sometimes, you work so hard on the other bits (Even if you do leave them until the last day) to just get the wording right and if you can't do that all the way through, you feel like you've let the rest of what you've done down. Budget bits are numbers I probably grossly underestimated, I have no idea how much things should cost.... :\ didn't I just say I liked big number. What a prime example of just how it doesn't work! Blah. ...and so what if the picutre shows some random cartoon man counting music, it looks like numbers!

In full view

I got to uni early (as per normal on Tuesdays) and I wound up on my own in a computer lab, stuffed around by going through bloglines and reading what others had to say and saving some pages for my uni blog. Then I opened Bible Gateway - because I couldn't be bothered working on my assignment for just 15 or so minutes and I read through Romans 3-8. I have a slight obsession with Romans 8 sometimes but was pretty happy to get a bit of a different perspective on some things by looking at the Message version.

Romans 3:25-26 God sacrificed Jesus on the altar of the world to clear that world of sin. Having faith in him sets us in the clear. God decided on this course of action in full view of the public—to set the world in the clear with himself through the sacrifice of Jesus, finally taking care of the sins he had so patiently endured. This is not only clear, but it's now—this is current history! God sets things right. He also makes it possible for us to live in his rightness.

I wasn't thinking about it earlier but if I can steal a phrase (just because it jogged some more thoughts) but: "In full view of the public." We sure don't opperate that way as Christians most of the time. I had a very funny - it thrilled me to pieces actually, experience this afternoon as I was coming home. I was in Box Hill waiting for my train and this really short asian girl taps me on the sleeve. She was with two other girls. They ask if I'm a student and let me know they are Bible College Students from South Korea learning English in Australia and 'teaching Bible'. I smiled and said I was a Christian which made Ruth (it was something like that anyway, she's the extremely short one) quite excited and she was bouncing around and beaming and saying bless you... Sophia, was the most competent with English and I ended up sitting down with the three of them in the food court. So after Ruth had gotten a photo, Sophia pulled out her Bible which was an English/Korean parallel. And I think they were 'having a practice'. We discussed the passover and communion and what Jesus had done and were reading bits and pieces together. I was beaming, it was gold! They were so happy and really just lovely. Communication was a bit hard. Ruth kept starting to explain things in English and getting carried away and slipping into Korean. It was beautiful! I got the 'evangelistic' aspect of what they were doing despite not really needing it (they knew that) and just the excitement for me of seeing how God is working in them and through them and how willing they were to just be out there talking to people. The idea of ever doing something that freely freaks the living daylights out of me. They asked for my phone number, so I gave them my mobile (haha which will hopefully be okay) and had to head to get my train. On the train, I ended up having a conversation with an older guy on a scooter and his wife. He was pretty intent on telling me about some big accident he'd been in and how his body was 'riddled with' cancer and how radio-therapy had cured his prostrate cancer but it had come back... he mentioned that he was in AA and wasn't ashamed to admit it, and how life now was the best it had ever been (despite the cancer). I was thinking about it later, why God would dump me in the two rather peculiar situations and I guess the common thread through the two is the fact that these people were so genuine and so open about who they were to me. This guy wasn't ashamed to say he'd screwed up a lot of his life and was really just loving where he was now. Those girls were happy to speak up about what was important to a complete stranger. If like that guy, 'life is the best it has ever been', when we have this free life in Jesus, why is it so hard to be open about being a Christian and to share about who we know God to be?

A Good Love is Hard to Find

I came across this article this afternoon: What (Not All ) Women Want. About the 'finicky femininity of Captivating' by John and Stasi Eldredge. I was quite delighted with it to be honest. Sure there were bits of the book that were extremely helpful to me at the time I read it, much of it rang true but when I look back now - there was/is something a little bit missing. I'm not exactly a very stereotypical female. If you know me, if you've read this blog for any decent time or read OOCQ where the 'bagging out' (I think it's friendly) of my 'half male' brain, you might be able to put a finger or five on that. Sentimentality doesn't do a lot for me. I'm much more thrilled to have a brain engaging conversation than be told mass of 'sweet nothings' or compliments - however "nice. Again that's generalising a lot. I am by no means the only female of the kind around -thank goodness. I like being complicated and I like who I am. I probably don't define submission quite the way it's traditionally thought of. I probably don't think I need to ever lose reason to love someone. I don't like the infatuation concept. I like books over jewelery. I understand the clothes are usually very intentional in conveying a message or meeting a 'warmth'/'fit-in/fashion' need than just the 'girly thing to obsess over'. I don't really giggle or shriek, in fact I probably more often snort and roll my eyes. I don't have any idea where this blog is going but I know I want to say something (maybe because I'm having fun). I don't always know what to say but then I don't always sit quiet to get it just right - for it to be sweet and perfect and nice. I'd rather be bluntly truthful than softly recommending. I'd rather sleep the extra 10 minutes than spend it on my hair. I'd rather watch a movie that makes me think than one that tells me the same old 'boy meets girl, boy gets girl, all ends happily' deal. I don't as a general rule bother with make-up, oh look, I don't think I even really own any. I don't think cooking and cleaning and keeping a place looking nice is a very large part of my purpose. I don't think I could manage if I ever hit a point where I wasn't allowed or couldn't learn. I don't know if the soft feminine side is an outdated concept that we still plug away at just because? Shards definitely remain in the minds of plenty of people although it's probably not half as relevant an argument as it was years ago. I don't particularly like being called 'unfemale' - becuase I can assure you I very much am. I like being female! I'm probably a little fed up with the half-male brain comments, however funny. So you narrow-minded (in the nicest way possible) boys who keep pulling them out: *cough John/Paul/Jas/Tony...* . If you could do me a favor and define femininity for me in short essay form (or post size, I don't think you could get it down to one sentence) post it as a comment or send it too me in an email - this being femininity and not just 'Bec style'. I would be grateful. I'm not cranky, I'm just interested. What is femininity really? And a slight shift... Boys will be... wait, where'd they all go? references an article on men in church. Although that I think that the point does need to be put across, that perhaps the 'everyone fall in love with Jesus/Jesus is your boyfriend' business is definitely offputting to males, it'd be nice to acknowledge that it isn't the worlds most thrilling idea to a lot of females. It is true that females are supposedly wired 'more relationally' and I am not trying to equate the genders but we are all relational beings. I can't help but wondering if church is how it is, then maybe it's almost more a byproduct of a culture that really wants experience and is lacking significantly relationally - having appropriate relationships. We then over-concentrate this good (best) relationship that's on offer and shroud it and drown it in sentimental 'femininity' to try keep our hold on it. The predominant view of relationships on offer through television, music and movies (which sadly seem to be the primary forms of communication around) is just that - I see you, I like what I see, I am infatuated, I will do anything for you... and more blahish crap. Frankly I think we just misunderstand and misconvey a lot of what Jesus is on about. "Love the LORD your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your strength." - Deut 6:5 Is that really all that soft? When I look at God's love for his people in the Bible, I don't see a cushy sentimental love. I see a hard love, a true love, a good love. Male or female. As part of the church, as an insider I think I can make the observation that perhaps we've really gotten a lot of how we do things simply wrong. Does anyone really relate to the short lived emotional highs that might come with the appeal that intends to 'tug the heart' to gain a response. We experience it as an experience only. Something else, "Murrow suggests that men value being/feeling competent (we don’t stop and ask for directions cos we want to be competent navigators) and we don’t feel that competent in a church environment which values qualities of expressing feelings, understanding emotions and singing songs." (10 male fears about church) If men so like to drive the compass/steer the ship, why did it slant toward the 'very female' angled way we do church in the first place? Is it just the physical extrapolation of misunderstanding around what is love and loving God and church structure and non-structure? I'm also curious, the advocation for 'song', for music is definitely not just a female thing. Music isn't at all gender specific, you hardly need to look very far at all to see that. Finally, "I’m a man and I really value church but I find myself agreeing that I am not very engaged by it. The most engaging thing about church this morning for me was arranging to go out on friday to drink Guinness and talk theology with another man." (10 male fears about church) well, I am a woman and I really value church, but I find myself agreeing that I am often not very engaged by it. The most engaging thing about church for me is to know I have Wednesday night to drink coffee and talk theology and life with those around me. So, what about that emotional/relational pit that we're inaccurately trying to fill at church? Because it is there. It's glaring from every corner and written all over the faces of those that show up where there are others, even if they 'don't particularly like how things are done'. That's something extends well beyond just church on Sunday. No one wants the temporary. The love lust that's so transient it makes a memory that we are ready to replace as soon as the next option comes along. We want the real deal. The thing that shows us up, that meets us face to face regardless of whether we are male or female. That's Jesus right? So what should church look like?

The love post

Bit hesitant to call this 'the love post' becuase by now 93.5% of you will have jumped to the wrong conclusion - having just posted a photo of Geoff and having spent rather a lot of time with him this weekend. Sorry to pop your bubble, but this isn't going to be full of sentimental jargon - which is something that so rarely comes from my mouth it probably wont be any real surprise. This is a little about what God's been shoving in my face. Some of it does involve Geoff but only in the fact that, as Sharon Payze (old teacher) said to me on the phone the other day, "Having someone new around really does make you understand a heap of stuff about yourself and about God" (NB: she was talking about her new baby, and it was just because she was after Laura that I talked to her in the first place, but I'm glad it happened). So. My thoughts were all pretty screwed up last night in regards to God and his love and other people's love and I guess just feeling pretty, 'so not worth it' and my head pretty startlingly clear about how I guess I find it quite hard to recieve love sometimes or even return it appropriately. Which leads to a whole 'guilt' thing about it not being fair to the person/God on the other end of the deal. Yes. It makes a lot of sense. Love. Yes. I have thought about it. Yes. I know exactly that we can't ever earn or don't deserve God's love. BUT it's something that can wreak havok with my head at times. I can know know know with the grey matter but be really clueless about what's genuninely going on. I went to bed feeling decidedly shocking even after such a brilliant day. I contemplated at various points skipping church in the morning and just going off on my own somewhere. I didn't in the end - mostly because I had to get Em and Han down there. A huge thank you to Di for her sermon this morning. It hit the mark like nothing else. She preached on the grapevine passage in John 15. To be honest I can't exactly pinpoint what it specifically was, but that coupled with some of the prophesies this morning, sank in pretty deep. There was also her curious story about being in the line at the shops and the guy infront not being able to use his card properly and how she responded - I had an almost replica exprience this week when I was buying petrol. I took the soft option and regret that I did almost immediately. It certainly made me pay attention to what she was saying. It was as if I needed last night's shaking up to make things tangible. A lot of it was/is about relationships between other people and myself and I am by far the better for having that argument or point where I just got overwhelmingly frustrated about where things were really at. I find it exceptionally hard to make concrete a lot of what goes on in my head. It's been a far messier, 'reach that point' and I guess a different way of hearing something pretty distinct about myself from God. Not a heap of, 'hold it in my hands' words or thoughts. Something that's peaked and climaxed and crept up on me without me really noticing it. Something that's been highlighted through circumstance and experience. I'm not sure if I like doing things this way. It hurts more becuase it's a lot more confrontational, but then I'm not sure if it's something you could really get a grasp on if it all came through my head - because it has before and obviously never quite got there. Still travelling. Still in that funny old canoe (see previous post). No paddle whatsoever, just drifting along with the current and hitting a few rapids. Ha! Okay, maybe I should leave off the corny metaphors.

Yep he's real

So... This is so you know Geoff's real (aside from his blog over there) Had an extremely nice day walking km's and km's up near Steavensons Falls. My knees are SO sore. Worth it though.

On the Double

And the SMART award of the day goes to: Rebecca For not eating enough dinner... or potato and pea curry just didn't have quite enough substance or something. Then feeling blahish crap and the good old rare hypoglacemia made a return - all through Youth (we went bowling) and I only picked up fractionally after a cheeseburger, and then I was stupid and got another one, and I've still got the shakes. How completely unpleasant.

Doings and short-timed

To use another post to point out a 'good read', this post over on Carolyn McCulley's blog, Priorities and Decisions: Human Beings or Doings is worth some thought. I know my life has been feeling pretty insane due to 'not enough time' lately. Some of my struggle with time is knowing what I want to be doing and what I have to do (like uni) and opting for doing what I'd rather be doing (because in a sense I can argue that it's more important to who I am) and still not ever fully getting the worth out of the half hearted effort I put there - probably due to the fact that I've got all these other 'tasks' weighing over my head. Or I start doing stupid things like pushing sleep further and further back, just so I can finish everything. Unfortuantely although Beth and I have discussed the possibility of a 28hr day - it's not going to work. It's easy to talk to God and get caught up in blah'ing out our busy lives to him or to others and not really make the effort to listen properly. Someone on Wednesday night - I think Evie might've said that, perhaps we are really a lazy society. We work 5 days, we rest 2 days - regardless of religion (I am generalising of course). We were discussing the Sabbath principle - there doesn't feel like a whole lot of time for any of that really. I fill my 'days off' with far, far too much. Little things are starting to get to me, like the fact I haven't sat down and really read/finished anything for almost a month. On that fine note - I have another assignment due Wednesday. A big one. I'm trying to work out when I'm going to have the time. I skipped my one lecture again today so I could get some ebaying done, in hope to clear some more time for homework, but other things have come up and I'm still where I should've been at 11:00 this morning.

Taxi

It's funny the news stories that get to you - they should perhaps be the world affecting ones, not so this time. There is something about knowing someone's utter stupidity and recognition of one life worth more than another that is so intensely wrong. This time an act of kindness was repayed with death. The chain of events, and the death of the taxi driver consequently sparked a protest and from there, people go on about hoping that, "A life was not lost in vain". How much do we as individuals really stand for the whole community? I don't know if our death should ever be worth more than what we will be remembered for in life. Why when a tragic circumstance like this happens do we immediately try and gratify the situation by sucking as much out of it as we can? The same goes for solidiers really. Except their 'choice for others' is far more intentional. Can death be exploited? Can life be exploited? Yes. Should we ever capitalise on either?

Up the creek

Threats towards my blogging come in several forms, usually somewhat like the following: "Hurry up and post or else..." "Your blog font is too small" "You write too much" I don't know if this is seeking to redeem any of them, but as got mentioned today, people might start seriously thinking I'm missing so I decided I'd better post (IT'S ONLY BEEN ONE DAY!) You will also notice, or the strain on your eyes will have lessened and I'm about to tell you why: the font has been upsized! Please feel free to comment on the betterment or the uglyness of this 'trial choice'. As for stating my case why I haven't posted. I have an assignment due mid-day tomorrow which is still very much in the process of being completed (hence more procrastination on here). I have been getting home late, due to spending time with marvellous people, at least one of which I'd rather spend time with than blog. I am sorely sorry I didn't have some kind of recording device on me last night, because we were at young ad's after and TimO/Geoff/Tom and I were in a group praying for eachother and talking some stuff through re: life. And Tim was doing his Mr. Analysis thing on what I'd just said and worded quite well where I am at. As for all of it, I'm still processing what I cannot grasp, and as a wise friend pointed out, perhaps it's time for me to relinquish a bit more of that control (that's a very big paraphrase). When I'm sitting in my room or simply alone there are things people simply don't see or I don't let them see. From a vast number of really strange facial expressions, to reactions to events, news or otherwise, and reactions to say, something God shoves in my face. So the following - if you'd care to have a sneak preview into a random Bec expression, had me saying, "wow, wow, wow" and looking like a fool, quite to myself especially as it was quite out of the blue.

"Let your roots grow down into him and draw up nourishment from him, so you will grow in faith, strong and vigorous in the truth you were taught. Let your lives overflow with thanksgiving for all he has done." Colossians 2:7 (NLT)

What 'letting my roots grow down into him and draw up nourishment from him' exactly means for me I'm not so sure. Is it a two step phase? If so, where am I at the moment? The growing down? The drawing up? Something I do recall being said the other night and something I've been getting the idea of, is that God is quite intentionally pushing me down a slightly different route to how I'm used to experiencing him/knowing him/loving him. It's a bittersweet thing (more bitter than sweet) to kiss goodbye to my brain and intense thought workings and hand it over to the foreign arena of what I might dub, 'the feeling zone' or even simply: experience. So, I sort of know where things are at. My question to God is: "I know I'm in the canoe... when can I have a paddle?" (and the photo is simply an example of a weird facial expression, if you thought I was just making things up!)

The best way

I spent this afternoon in one of the ultimate ways. The sky and weather was still glorious by the time the train pulled in. I sat in my car for a bit while I made up my mind what to do. I wound up down at the Lake, where I went for a walk/run (which means slowish intermitent jog - far too unfit for cross-country!) and found a spot on the grass in the sun. I sat/lay there for a very long time and simply enjoyed it and enjoyed God. The lake was all sparkley (cringe word), the sun was warm, there was a breeze, the sky was blue and the clouds minimal but in beautiful forms and very white. Bliss! What would be your perfect day?

Blue sky

I'm beginning to really enjoy my getting to uni a bit early on Tuesdays. I'm sitting in the corner cafe in an extremely decent chair which is doing wonders for my back (no I'm not being sarcastic). Bloglines spat out a few good reads this morning which I think I'll share. Adi over on Donec Requiescat in Te has written something that I think is 'nice' - for want of a better word, about love. Here. and... Kat Coble over on Just Another Pretty Farce has pointed out something about understanding God. Here. It's a beautiful morning out there. Blue, blue sky. I have half an hour or so until my lecture, then it's uni until 2pm or so. I ran into Aydan and Natalie this morning (both from school). I missed Mel's (Aydan's Fiance) party last night and nearly didn't go to catch up with some YITS people as I was pretty flat. Jess is housesitting, so we had it here. An interesting evening, mostly full of jokes (and not particularly the kind I really like) and a some sad attempts at kicking off something with a bit more depth. Clacy and Mark got there later and I managed to have a pretty decent chat to Mark while the others continued with their.... humor. I do realise why I opted for the evening out despite being so tired. There is something pretty important about being around people you are more than entirely comfortable with. Time is a master at that. Of course then you must take the frustrating with the 'best of' those you are with. It's really not a bad trade off.

Outline

It's a definite indication that I am far more interested in 'other stuff' (some of that being sleep) when I get home and write a blog post called: Outline and leave it unpublished in drafts. It disturbs me a bit when I can't record a day as I've been doing it for so long now, it's a sad substitute. So! In going with this Outline post pathetic replacement theory - tonight you get to read a blog full of subheadings. This basically means that I am forcing myself to write at least something on everything that I put down late last night. I did not write these un-dotted dot points in any particular order, so please bear with me. Do your best to follow along by treating each as in an individual post and hopefully I'll get to daunt you with a horrendous amount of words. *I will wait with great anticipation for the comments about making the font in my blog bigger* Pearl of Great Price - The God Stuff Wow, might as well hit you with the biggish one first. The God stuff. On Friday night I went along to lead youth and after a lot of games and running around we had the 'God spot' which Geoff ran, and I really liked. If I'm really honest, it's possibly purely because I think that this society has severely lost the art of story-telling and I got to enjoy the experience of it. He did a very good job. I had a look around at one stage and everyone was very caught up in it. The story of the pearl of great price can be found in Matthew 13:44-46 and as it's so short you can read it for yourself:

"The kingdom of heaven is like treasure hidden in a field. When a man found it, he hid it again, and then in his joy went and sold all he had and bought that field.

"Again, the kingdom of heaven is like a merchant looking for fine pearls. When he found one of great value, he went away and sold everything he had and bought it."

We spent a great deal of time last year looking at what is the Kingdom of God/Kingdom of heaven. I don't think I ever considered the approach of having to explain the concept to a bunch of kids before. In light of how much depth we tried to simplify previously, presenting it to some very untheologicalised minds is no mean feat. I really should've thought about it that way before, the perspective was far better.

I can't remember exactly how Geoff ended up putting it, but something pretty basic like: living how God wants us to live. This fictional merchant's joy over his pearl/treasure is pretty much how we should treat living for God. Giving it everything we've got. Nothing else matters, being 'sold out for the cause'. We really, really don't do this well. I think the semi-flipside of the coin is that for me, I tend to forget how much of a joy it should be to simply know that we do have the opportunity. What an amazing thing to have God, to know we can approach God and the chance we have to live to please him. In a sense, we've already grasped the pearl, already have it... (highly incomplete ideas) I do like how the story has two perspectives. One for the 'coming across' the pearl where you wouldn't expect to find one, and one for the merchant already out looking for 'fine pearls'. It fits with our differing attitudes and experiences... As for the merchant's joy. I haven't bizarrely had the worlds easiest time grasping that all recently, despite all the fantastic things going on in my life at the moment. The God stuff has been more difficult, there has been less motivation, although not a lesser desire for it. It's just been harder. (Which leads nicely into the next point) Soul Sista - seeing people, attitudes So, I was at Soul Sista all of Saturday and from the first main session I was talking to God about some of the, having trouble 'getting' Him' at the moment. It became all too clear that I am ( or was - I hope I'm getting there a bit more now) stuck in the head position of knowing the stuff but not really understanding it. The day itself unfortunately didn't particularly provide anything highly enlightening in itself (on that 'theme'), but it was a good time to step back from home and relax a bit. A big part of my intention of going/motive was to suss out the stuff talked about so that I might be able to later have ideas for more gushgirls stuff etc. I knew the day would be aimed at a slightly younger level and it was. Quite helpful in that regard. I did get the chance, and I found it pretty exciting to write a letter to, 'whom it may concern' about refugee/detainee stuff. Something I've always looked at doing but never really known how to go about. I am still and always have been in two minds about the whole issue and have not recently done enough research to know exactly what's going on, but I think it's pretty important to remind those where it counts, that yes we are dealing with real, feeling, human beings. I pretty much roughly filled out and expanded on a couple of points they had listed on a page of many, but it was good to actually have something set down. Who knows if they get read. As for the 'seeing people' business. I had the fantastic opportunity to run into quite a few people I hadn't realised would be there. Cathy P (James whom I know through gush modding, his girlfriend) she's so lovely, met her several times. Sophie from Wattle Park (old church). Beth - Dan D's friend who I got to know that trip to the beach, and Darryn (YITS)'s sister - Chrissy. I don't really know her, but got to work out that mysterious, "Why do I know your face" business. That and Analise was there, a crew of Em and Han's friends, Evie, and Thea for a short while. Connex Trouble Worth a mention, because it is highly typical and I don't think has ever quite happened to the extent that it did. We got to Camberwell station and the train was delayed, not just 5 or so, but 20 minutes and there was no Lilydale train in sight, so the Belgrave it was. Grabbed some tea (SO GOOD turkish bread spicey mince/veggies thing) ran back to the station. Other waiting passengers (incl. the police we saw on the way down) drooled over our food. Train was packed. We're at Ringwood and the announcement comes over to swap to another platform - the platform where you have to go out of the station and up over the crossing. This happened THREE times. Back and forth, back and forth. Several passangers started verbally abusing the station workers, there were people laughing at the ludicrous nature of the situation and on the third 'Lilydale passengers please note that the 7:00pm will be leaving from platform 1' there was this glorious collective groan. 150 people trecked back to where they'd just come from. It was much fun, although a little annoying as my phone died and I was having to let various people know when to pick us up/why I was going to be late. Mention evening spent with Geoff TRUE! I genuinely wrote this down. So mention it I will. I was originally heading there (Sat night) for dinner, but that didn't happen (read Connex Trouble again). So it was dessert, and watching GATTACA and some good talking and I made him show me some 'when he was younger' photos etc. There... that's um, mentioned it. It was really good :D Gratitude Why the heck I wrote this one down, as it's far too large a topic to expand on just as part of a post. Whatever the deal is at the moment, despite it, God has been shoving some pretty good references regarding gratitude in my face lately. I greatly admire those who can live like they are genuinely thankful, it's such a dramatically different outlook on life. I am seeking I guess to impliment this a bit more in my own life, because I really think that I do have a huge lot to be thankful for. God has been extremely good to me and is extemely good. Any suggestions whatsoever would be welcome. Prayer for this also even in the continued elaboration of this attitude within the 'less than ideal' circumstances. It's a big wide wonderful world, but still big and wide. ...and that's all folks (*cringe at that lousy word*) It looks like I'll have to save my thoughts on Rob's extravaganza of a brilliant sermon until tomorrow.

Two Eyes - Part 3

Well, it was coming. The honorary 'no glasses' photo. So there you go. Hopefully all drama's over. I am wearing two different kinds (strange) apparently the right eye - is the slightly worse fitting contact, yet this is by far the more comfortable. The world still looks a little strange as it's a new prescription which truly is the worst thing about getting used to new glasses (or just new lenses). At least the floor doesn't feel extra far away like last time...

Seeing

I went to bed earlier than I have in about 6 years last night- By 8pm I was well and truly there, by 8:30 or so I think I was out of it. Slept around the clock - 12 good solid hours and woke up with a splitting headache. I now feel like I've found cloud nine, despite all that I have to do today. It could be due to a good breakfast, the knowledge that I don't have to go into uni today (erm... yes, I'm wagging that one hour), panadol that's curbed the headache, found some rather nice words in the 'What I love about you thread', or/and the fact that I got a really nice encouraging PM on Gush about something I'd posted, AND I came across something that makes anything I ever do on Gush so unbelieveably worth it:

"Oh, and I think this might be the place to say this, but I don't know. I do owe Gush A LOT, I think if it wasn't for Gush I would have thrown the idea of a God out the window long ago... I actually found myself praying today a little.. and realised that Gush is still having a change in me.. so thanks guys"

It'd be true to say that in the past week or so It's been much more of a task to notice God as much as I used to. I've been finding it pretty hard lately to be intentional about spending that time. Despite all this, I keep continually coming across a lot to do with being grateful. It's always a strange thing when you realise something has shifted in your relationship with God, usually pertinent to a change in life circumstance. Generally it usually works out better than previously because you have grown in some way, but there's that unstable point (days, weeks even months sometimes) where there is a good bit of weighing up what is, what should be, what was and how it all works together. I think sometimes the 'lazy-mans' method - or one of my methods at least, of when I don't feel like it with the God stuff - of reaching that point of acknowledging God for who he is and who I am in light of that is, is to opt for putting on some music. Of which happens to usually be on already. In that way (supposedly my doing - but I think not) something will resonate and I'll remember. There's an article up on Shared Worship about Music, Song and Worship. I guess what interests me a lot about it all is the link of music to joy,

"Song is a subset of music in this same task of expression, and is a great tool also. The use of words, our’s or other people’s, can often bring clarification to us of how we feel and what it is that erupting out of us. Song also brings an added dimension of the ability to give expression to the more “down” side of our feelings. Yet biblically it is clear that it’s closest partner is joy."

I remember maybe two years ago or so, I had a right old whinge about doing my 'thinking through song lyrics'. It was a time again like now, with the shift in circumstance/relationship. A conciousnesss of some kind of change, definitely a lot darker blacker point than now but there are some parallels. Looking at it now, it's not such a bad thing. I am not a 'music' person, but music is a very powerful way to get through to the core of something. I don't expect my 'coming across' the themes of gratitude and joy to slow, I'm a fair way from grasping the fullness of it. Between Joy and Patience I think I've got material enough for a lifetime. Funny really, what comes up considering that everything going on in my life at the moment is definitely worth being thankful for. It's a challenge, it's a never ending struggle to be following and recognising God continually, “But may all who seek you rejoice and be glad in you; may those who love your salvation always say, "Let God be exalted!" – Ps. 70:4 I'm not sure where it's all going. I do know that God is good. I do like how he doesn't ever stop working in me. I am grateful for the moments like this morning where he uses others to encourage me by pointing out what he is doing. Keeping your eyes open (metaphorically or even normally!) takes work and hurts sometimes, but who would ever give up sight - there is far too much at stake, too much worth not missing.

Two Eyes - Part 2 (bloodshot, pissed off)

I woke up this morning with itchy eyes. Not a good start. Drove to Chirnside for my appointment at the Optometrist's. Nina is insanely nice (had her last time), she showed me the ropes, talked me through it, made me practice etc. Gave me an extra big bottle of solution and told me to hide it from the receptionist as she was only meant to give me a little one. Contacts feel a bit strange, but its a really good feeling to be able to see without glasses. Due to a prescription change and the 'new glasses' feeling, she suggested I didn't drive home with them - I thoroughly agreed. There's a cliched compliment that says that the colour of your shirt (or equivalent) brings out the colour in your eyes. I'm wearing a red jumper today. I have a headache. It's great. I was happy. Didn't have to pay anything yet and booked in for an appointment next Thursday to check them. I get home and after messing around for a while I go and decide I'll put them in. I have NEVER been more pissed off at myself. I am disappointed, embarassed and really not very happy. I managed to drop one - the first one. Laura and I had a really good look around, but it must have taken the route down one of four tiny gaps in the hole in the sink. Of all things! My reaction? Take your pick, but the language kaleidescoped in my head for a moment or three. Now I have to get over myself and call Merringtons and let them know what happened. *Sigh* There's a little bit of funny to it, but I'm really not impressed. *5:30ish update: Called them up, went back as she had the other 'trial' pair there. I now have one of each kind - strange. I'm not going to bother tonight as my eyes feel so sore and I have a whallop of a headache behind my eyes. It's been a lousy day, but a huge thank you to Sam, who had lunch (Morrisons) and came out with me afterwards and one to Geoff too, for being excellent.

Management veins in bedrock

project management The process of planning, organising, staffing, directing and controlling the production of a system. Of all things to remind you of your childhood, project management should not be it. I was however, sitting in my System's Design lecture today and became supremely concious of how much of what was being talked about I had actually done before - but when I was about 10yrs. If you haven't guessed it by now, maybe I've changed a little bit. I was an extremely bossy little girl with my fingers in every pie and running absoutely everything (which means of course: delegation, unless I could do it better, in which case I'd let them do it and then would proceed to fix it up how I wanted it to be, often upsetting the person in question.) I'm sure my parents and sisters can testify to this. I was probably fairly horrible a lot of the time and royal pain. I was organised, the 'pack leader' (not hard when you're the oldest girl and your 'peers' are mostly a few years younger) and forever going about 'doing new things' or expanding on what was. Being rather imaginative/creative and quite apt at drawing people into my ideas or coercing them, I on several ocassions took Laura on the massive expeditions into what I now know as: systems/project development! She might claim that she had as much of a role in launching these - but I somehow don't think it would've gone to quite the extent it did had I not been involved. I became aquainted and then very good friends with Microsoft Works (Excel equivalent of the time) and as I explored the various limitations posibilities of technology, the world expanded beautifully. Laura and I, with the aid of a Readers Digest Home/Farm running book "Back to Basics", a spreadsheet, hours and weeks, my facination with horses (at the time - how lame), created a full blown ranch/farm. Planning and budgeting. Staffing and Managing. We were quite aware that it would never 'come to be' but it hardly stopped us. That's not to mention, the scout clubs for our Sylvanians (which we still have somewhere). The running of mud towns (NB. Bec in position of power - always), newspapers, mock restuarants, clubs, small businesses that actually operated etc... And now I find myself with the daunting task of doing it all again - a little differently, a lot more realistically. I have a semester to produce a System design, unfortunately with a lot more constraints then just that. The true budgeting thing freaks me out, but I think the overarching concepts have reignited that long dormant thrill.... Which is really the only thing I can think of that produced that feeling of supressed and curious excitement during a fairly boring 10am lecture. Now I just have to decide what to actually do it on.