The stripping of something like this

A couple of things recently have led me to realise just what mess I’ve make when it comes to friendships. I was talking about friendships Saturday and made mention of the fact that Laura and I have always seemed to approach the friend thing very differently – I’m not saying if either is better because simply I don’t know. I don’t think you can differentiate that. I do not know exactly why that I have always been the ‘many friends’ kind of person as opposed to specifically investing my time into one or two others. Yes I still have ‘closer friends’ and those that well, just aren’t as close. This evening I was reading Friendlationships (which is pretty much book about relationships of ‘that’ kind - a book I've had my eye on for a very long time and finally got) and it was talking about how a big part of love (this is me paraphrasing) is about investing in a person. It makes perfect and beautiful sense - and I've heard it before... I was doing the dishes after effectively reading the book in one hit. I started thinking about a hesitation that I’ve had recently, a murky waters – I’ve tried discussing/decoding this with one or two of you but haven’t really come across any clear way forward. A ‘good’ friend of mine from school recently let me know that she was moving up to Canberra. Along with my thoughts around ‘Friendlationships’, I started thinking about how I reacted to her news. I got her ‘general’ message first. I did not reply. I have known it was going to happen sooner or later – we’ve talked about it. She came to drop in a few days later. I was very able to be excited for her (because it’s something that will be good for her and something she really wants). I don’t know how to justify it, moreso I shouldn’t be trying to, but I am so entirely used to people having to leave to move on, that I don’t let myself feel much about that kind of stuff any more. I don’t think I let on very much or even felt much sadness at her news. “Yes, people have to leave and so be it”, how much does that show I care? The thing is, I do. So along with the dirty dishes and all those other things, I asked myself the questions I usually avoid, although I don’t know why. Why don’t I bother? I treat friendships with such a loose hand it’s scary. I rarely initiate doing anything with someone (and considering I think my top love language is probably quality time) thats – not real good. I enjoy, I value the times I do spend with friends but I don’t go out of my way for them. How do I invest in my friends? Maybe I do because I like giving advice; I like being able to smooth things out. At the same time I still get frustrated with, needy friends. Oh, I do love them, but I don’t think I’m very good at it at all. I don’t think I value them half as much as I should. I owe J and several others of those supposedly ‘close’ friends such a massive appology. I should have (and should) put more effort into these relationships. Especially hers. I should’ve allowed for more time, for more openness, for more give, for more take and less of just the, ‘enjoyable to be around you and have a good conversation now and then’. I should be letting me miss them like crazy even before they go (and I’m doing that for her now, but I think too much is simply regret). Ironic in that how the ‘challengings’ are some of the things that I value so much. Is there always that underlying ‘self’ thing? Where am I here? There's a small part of me saying I am inadequate to invest in others because I do such a poor job of it… no, that’s wrong. I am good at starting the investing, I am almost too good at the short term - but when it comes to the longer why do I fail miserably? Is something there that’s a blocker in pushing forward – I know what’s right. I know I’d love to do things right (or at least better) it could just be the ever lingering pride thing or it could be something else. Or both. It is both encouraging and quite sad for me to discover this; it puts a heck of a lot of other stuff in to perspective. Strangely I can start feeling my way through that ‘murky’ area. So much of love is around choice. How much am I willing to invest in someone? More the fact, how willing am I to find out just how to invest in them so I can do that? I would like to know why things are the way they are. Someone recently said quite simply proposed that, “Maybe you’re afraid of commitment”. Commitment is something that in theory and in practice I value immensely. It’s something I want and would do SO much for. Maybe I am afraid? It’s pathetic but perhaps in some ways not totally unreasonable to be afraid of something that you esteem. But. I know at least in one maybe two cases (horrible term to use: friendships) in my life what it is to love someone when it’s beyond the ‘yeh I like this person for who they are’ – I am talking about the choice of loving them when they are frustrating you beyond belief. When you have to conciously decide that you’ll do the best for them. I don’t know if it’s a very common thing in my life but it's so… liberating in a way. Wonderful. So why should commitment to most friends be such a thing I walk into the dirt? I love them but I dont' love them well. Is it because I’m so used to having no choice in having to let people go? Maybe. Frustrating. Enlightening.

Insights from Leunig

This sounds an awful lot like I'm stealing from Geoff - but I had just read his thoughts on a Leunig phrase and I had gone hunting for the actual quote and managed to find this in the process. Here is a short segment from an interview with Archbishop Rowan Williams.

RW: ...Most of our activities these days have in common a deep impatience. We need to be aware that some things cannot be done impatiently. There are certain aspects, even of the most apparently functional economic life, that you can't do without taking time. I mean the exercises of life together, the exercises of patience, the exercises of the time taken to listen to someone else's humanity, whether it's locally or globally. ML: Yes, that is endangered perhaps, because it seems to me that speed is revered. And the problem is that certain human things cannot happen at speed. Can you love at speed, can love flourish at speed? That sounds glib, but the dreadful worry for me is that we tend to copy unconsciously our technologies. I think, for example, we imitate the way movies are edited. This cutting and close-up quick grab, this strange traumatic discontinuity, which we accept as normal, and we enjoy it because of its speed and its traumatising stimulus. And there we sit and expose our eyes, the windows of the soul, to this bizarre chopping up of reality. Now we say we can handle this, but I think one thing that's doing us great damage is this visual cacophony as a depiction of reality. The eye makes great meaning out of life, much more than we understand. It tracks this room as it looks around: as one point leads to the next point, there is sense being made all the time.

And that made me think. Slow down.

Spiderbec

Hey Hey, which super hero are you? I've never even seen spiderman.... (It's the man bit on the end that worries me) You are Spider-Man You are intelligent, witty, a bit geeky and have great power and responsibility. Spider-Man 70% Superman 70% Supergirl 68% Green Lantern 65% Wonder Woman 63% Hulk 55% Robin 45% Iron Man 45% The Flash 45% Catwoman 35% Batman 35% Click here to take the Superhero Personality Quiz

Word of the Day May 28th

Cerebration: the act or product of thinking. I like this one! I mean really - what's a product of thinking? A thought perhaps? Use it in a sentence? Well I don't know if I know it well enough to, but here's one they gave: Celebration of cerebration is not what the public wants. Indeed, the opposite is probably true. We are suspicious of excessive smartness. -- David R. Slavitt, "You Can Go Holmes Again", New York Times, October 17, 1993 So, if you are suspicious of excessive smartness... you should stop celebrating the cerebration in which case you should've stopped reading this a few lines ago (not saying I'm leaking excessive smartness onto a blogger page or anything) but if you start using words like this you should already know you're in way over your depth.

Behind the chai screen

The pantry has been restocked with some chai teabags (by far the most convienient way of making it) it's a welcome change from the plain old plain stuff or even the miraculous workings of an instant coffee. So behind the screen of this ever faithful computer (we'll forget the time the stupid thing died) and with a very good chai - I'm about to get another. I am talking psycho-analysis with a near stranger, well not quite and it's procuring some interesting/insightful results. Moved into discussing facial psychology... facinating. I've been told I can shave my head and get away with it (oh yes facial structure or something weird) No I don't want to do this. And some weird association of me with Natalie Portman which made me roar with laughter (in my head) - I know at least someone will get that reference. Suitable psydonymn afterall... of all things :P Monday is looming as this horror day/night for homework but I figure as it is still just Saturday I wont worry about it just yet. I did spend the morning on homework, I managed to produce some stuff for our group assignment but I was fairly uninspired. I had to pick Laura up from work - Mum told me she finished by 2pm, I got there by about 2:30 and she let me know that she was working until 3pm. As the lovely twinage works at a fairly interesting store I had a look around. I've been meaning to get myself a decent sleeping-bag but as they have a big winter sale next week I decided to delay. Those on sale (I'd like one at least -5) were all XL... and well I'm no giant so I think the extra space - however nice would be only convienient for letting more cold air in. So I go over to where she is working in the shoes... very bad move. I've been after some shoes for a while now. I walk really heavily or something and so I have minimal options when it comes to getting runners (which being the boring, I pretend I don't care too much about fashion person that I am, means runners get a lot of use). So that leaves me with roughly two options of 'wear lots shoes' - simply they have to have a really decent sole. Skate shoes, or proper hiking or there abouts shoes, or spend $300 on something which goes against the stingy dutchness. I caved and ended up spending $100 on a pair I found and liked. Maybe not the worlds most fashionable, but they're comfortable and neutralish and should (better) last. Laura got me a discount anyway! I didn't get a sleeping bag. Had afternoon tea with a male friend, which I deliniate thus because I was expecting certain members of my family to make stupid annoying comments - as they have in the past when I have done things with male friends. It would be nice if they could see past the whole 'male' factor and find friend there. Anyway I was pleasantly surprised that they didn't. I had a good time regardless. The whole 'family thing' gets on my nerves A LOT when it ever happens to come up. Certain people (coughmumcough) can be silly about things. And I should really go to bed...

When you go looking

Right... how to start this? Last night I had a minor epiphany, more the fact that I hit, "Wow, I'd better do something about this" and in effect worked out what 'some of this was'. Stop being cryptic! I'll share a little from some ramblings and attempt to explain myself a little more shallowly (seeing as too many people read this now) than the soul baring of the other night. "I wonder why I always try and compartmentalise ‘what God is trying to teach me’. Why I limit it to one or two specific things instead of understanding that perhaps he’s working on molding me as a whole..." From this point I worked my way into explaining to myself that I don't think what God's on about with me any more is character formation stuff - it's moved beyond that. Sure that stuff's always going to be there, going to be happening but less specifically. From now (current point in time) it's not the point of looking at who I am in light of who God is, but simply at who he is. This is not so much the 'soul baring' stuff, but it plays into how I am viewing my life at the moment. To be honest, boredom plays a very very large role in much of everything at the moment. It's a springboard existance from 'one look foward to thing' to the next... a trap that is unfortunately familiar. I've talked about the difficulties of me and enthusiasm many times before - this is another facet really. Life with God shouldn't be boring. The past day and a half has been pretty exciting in a way, in that I've found this desire that I believe I've had actually for quite a long time, but I guess I've started acting on it. To really seek out who God is and to maybe take a hold of some of the adventure (almost) that it gives by doing so. I shall be keeping some of the following in mind: One thing I ask of the Lord, This is what I seek: that I may dwell in the house of the Lord all the days of my life, to gaze upon the beauty of the Lord and to seek him in his temple. -Ps. 27:4 “But if from there you seek the LORD your God, you will find him if you look for him with all your heart and with all your soul.” – Deut 4:29 “O God, you are my God, earnestly I seek you; my soul thirsts for you, my body longs for you, in a dry and weary land where there is no water.” – Ps.63:1 “But may all who seek you rejoice and be glad in you; may those who love your salvation always say, "Let God be exalted!" – Ps. 70:4 “From one man he made every nation of men, that they should inhabit the whole earth; and he determined the times set for them and the exact places where they should live. 27God did this so that men would seek him and perhaps reach out for him and find him, though he is not far from each one of us. 'For in him we live and move and have our being.' As some of your own poets have said, 'We are his offspring.'” – Acts 17:26-28 "And you, my son Solomon, acknowledge the God of your father, and serve him with wholehearted devotion and with a willing mind, for the LORD searches every heart and understands every motive behind the thoughts. If you seek him, he will be found by you; but if you forsake him, he will reject you forever.” 1 Chronicles 28:9 Whether much of the above is comprehendable, I'm not sure, but your prayers would be appreciated.

Credit

Remarkable timing. Today Tabor kindly sent me my graduation photo. I had just finished opening the envelope and then who should call... A highly excited Jess informs me that I MUST go and visit the Deakin Arts office. It appears that I can claim 4 credit points from having done YITS. Well there you go. Now I just have to work out how that fits into the scheme of things.

Some links for you to click

Thought I'd share a few links today (before I get to something a lot more well... thought provoked, but that'll probably have to wait until this evening) Boundless has been utterly magnificent and have finally gotten around to categorizing their archives. I have yet to go delving, but I can assure you I will. Mega ammounts of helpful thought inducing articles on any manner of subjects. Worth your time. OOCQblog started by a number of my very rude male friends (if you read the latest entry) takes out of context quotes and attempts to make them funny. I'm not sure about the latest one, seeing as it has to do with my 'very masculine' brain. But alas, I am their running joke too much of the time. It beats having a whole thread in mods dedicated to, 'stupid things Bec's said'. TheGeoffRe(Y)port haven't known him long, but to answer Sam's question of, "Where do you know Geoff from", uh, well - from church. He's got some interesting stuff to say sometimes... if you like Richmond he's got something interesting to say a lot of the time ;) No, some quality stuff here. (No really, it's good!) The Sound of Green Burkie, this be (is) a reminder for you to blog more because when you do, your painstaking efforts produce some good stuff. Also take a look at his profressional site. Discovering the Heart Tony likes people reading about him (the true heart of a blogger) regardless of whether he knows them yet - because if he doesn't now, he soon will (get to know you that is). Virtually Paul another of the flock that I (personally think I) converted to blogging, he probably would've done one anyway. A bit of nerd, bit of theology, a bit of Paul. Blonde Creations this is as close as I can get to linking to Sam's blog - this being her 'arty' one. I personally prefer the writing, not that I don't think she's got rather a bit of talent... Can I link to your other one Sam? Gush I've spent far too much time here the past five years or so. This is the new forum. My inspiration and motivation for the place is on a seesaw of waxing and waning at the moment. Current aim is to get gushgirls back into action. You can find me there lurking behind the name Bee, but most of you know that anyway. Accoucheur my sister Laura's sorry attempt at a blog, I say sorry simply because her updates are unfortunately seldom. Blog more Laura. And that'll do for the moment. Tom has been dastardly slack in updating and I haven't heard anything decent from his in months so he doesn't deserve a link. There are others I would like to share, but don't think I have permission. ALSO... check out Blonde Musings Sam's blog :) and... Layer of Things - having... forgotten to mention Christop's earlier

About the most massively useful thing

Late last night, or maybe even the day before last John told me to, "Take a towel with you tomorrow." I said no and had some vague idea it might have been to do with Hitchhikers. I didn't think much more of it. I managed to sleep around the clock to a glorious 11:45am. Pottered around, had a good breakfast and eventually made it to the shower. I was sitting reading Sam's blog (can I link to you yet Sam?) after the shower and she explained that she'd taken a towel with her to uni. I know she does crazy things sometimes - but I'm still rather surprised. Anyway, she left this link to: Towel Day :: A tribute to Douglas Adams which I naively clicked, as I do to many links. Now I don't really care that much for remembering someone like so- not being a very sentimental person (particularly with someone I don't know) but I do admire Adam's books as I find them just slightly hilarious. Okay, actually extremely hilarious. So the fact that I decided to get a towel was more to do with the novelty value, being rather bored and also so I could have something to blog about. Having still very wet hair when I got the towel, it served it's purpose quite well. I had the odd impulse to make Sopapilla's this afternoon (they being Mexican - ummm how to explain them, just click the link!) the towel started getting in the way. I used it to dry my hands a couple of times and then the round the neck/over the shoulder thing got awkward. The towel spent a bit of time on my head, but I got sick of that and ended up tying it around my waist. I could've used the towel as a breathing apparatus as I sucessfully managed to smoke out the house, but my hands and most of the rest of me was covered in flour. The sopapillas were good - despite the misleading environment. I wore the towel around my waist for the whole of the afternoon, bought it with me to dinner. There was no, "Why do you have towel Rebecca?". No odd looks. Perhaps they are used to me doing strange things - or they fell for the common magician trick of misdirection by only noticing the smokish air. Alternatively they might have been stunned that I cooked something without burning it. Good thing I threw the first three away before they got home... The towel now sits on my lap and has at least provided me with a little of my own amusement. And I dare say you wont hear about such doings again until next towel day... Where, if my luck doesn't hold out, I'll have to go public with it.

Which Mug?

Well, travis had the courtesy to link to this which celebrity are you most like? A facial recognition thing... register with a psudeo email you don't need to verify or anything. I was really bored so I did the thing roughly 11 times, (I only bothered with the female faces, I've been disgraced too much with masculinity lately) listed the top one or two - depending on if the percentages (none above about 67%) were up there. Below are my results: Photo 1 Miranda Otto Meryl Streep Photo 2 Sarah Michelle Gellar Laura Dern Photo 3 Christy Turlington Anne Frank Photo 4 Katie Holmes Photo 5 Claudia Schiffer Jenifer Aniston Photo 6 Rachel McAdams Kelly Clarkson Photo 7 Kate Hudson JK Rowling Photo 8 Jodie Foster Photo 9 Mariah Carey Lee Young-ae Photo 10 Julie Andrews Rachel McAdams Photo 11 Rachel McAdams Alizee My findings: A stupid waste of time - although rather amusing. Suposedly I am most like Rachel Adams - although somehow I don't really think so. Care to share which you resemble?

University incongruencies

Hehe - I haven't even gotten my mark yet.

Hello everyone in SIT161 I have been thinking about Assignment 2 assessment, and have also discussed it with several students (*coughjustincough*) and other lecturers. I have decided that because the assessment was not written clearly enough for first year students, and so many students misunderstood the requirements, I will be adjusting the grades upwards. This will be reflected in the grades in DSO in the next few days. Regards,

The not so verbal blah dump thing

I am perhaps quite stupidly sitting online this time of night for no great reason. I'm not sure what to write. Something maybe about the random lady I saw marching along the footpath in true soldier form at about 9:00 this morning, curiously absurd. I did catch the train to uni todya, I forget how much I actually like early morning train rides (when it's not freezing cold). With some blue sky and some sun it's insanely enjoyable, although it's probably just me. I have had some of the most 'content' times sitting on trains. It's really quite strange. I read some of Perspectives after considering Running with Scissors (yeah hi to the freak who takes two books so she can choose) and deciding it would ruin the cheerful mood. It was joyfully (NB sarcasm) something about relationships, yes, in 'that' way, but I actually had quite a reasonable talk to God about some stuff and am pretty cool and unbothered with it all at the moment. To be honest if people keep bringing it (relationships of 'that' variety) up like they have the past few months I think I'll have to start telling them to... shutup? I'm a little bit over it. Not as such to wear the single crown like _ is at the moment, but enough to have thought things over and done it to death... at least for now. Short stint at uni, went to the one tute, handed in the assignment, started on the next one (group one). Heard a collective joint moan from Justin, Jen and co about the last assignment and marks (the one of mine that hasn't been marked yet... at least she managed to locate it!) I understand why they complain, but sometimes you should just draw the line. Yes it wasn't clear. Yes you got a lower mark than you wanted. What's done is done. (Please make no reference to the blog title). Home via Box Hill where I succumbed to chips and gravy. I refused any salt, which suposedly isn't so good for you - but somehow think the gravy kind of stuffed that up... the chips too come to think of it. Got home, stuffed around online for a bit. Lay down on my bed for a moment and woke up an hour later, I got up for maybe five or ten minutes but for the life of me I'm not sure what I did, but I lay back down and managed another half hour. I rarely sleep during the day, but I think I needed it. Afternoon tea with the lovely Samantha up at Morrisons. It was her phone call that woke me up. I sat at the top of the road waiting for her to come on the bus and after about Bus no.6 (school time) I called her and she happened to be in the cafe already - great communication Rebecca. Another nice prolonged sit in the sun on a stump (rather than in the bus shelter). A latte and half a piece of jaffa cake later - we try to get something different every time, well nothing much really... Young Adults tonight. I was there first, for once early to something. I really hate being late to things but (oh stuff it I'm going to use the word lately) lately the 'late thing' has been happening, was good to break the trend. We ended up doing a Spiritual gifts test thing, to I guess understand a little of where each of us is coming from (big lot of people there tonight) and to continue the conversation around spiritual gifts. Yes we do all know that they can't really tell you that much. I blahed out Wisdom up the top, followed by an equal score in: Admin, Knowledge, Faith. Not too surprised - a little about the faith thing perhaps. Celebacy was on there. Hehe. No I didn't score too highly there, surprisingly _ and _ did... or not so surprisingly. Interesting some of the questions were (let me slip into yoda speech) in light of what I was thinking about this morning. The customary drive up the road to Macca's. And the rest is history. And I should really really be asleep considering I'm still "sick" and can tell it.

The Latest

So this thing is going around: Leave your name and 1. I'll respond with something I like about you. 2. I'll tell you what song or movie reminds me of you. 3. I'll ask you a question. 4. I'll tell you my first/clearest memory of you. 5. I'll say something that only makes sense to you and me. 6. I'll describe our final fight to the death. 7. If I do this for you, you must post this on your journal. Tony says: 1. I love the way that when something is put before you that you really work for the answer. You really want to understand whats happening and therefore i always lookward to hearing anything you have to say. 2. Matilda (Why?) 3. What is a positive about being single, or therefore a negative about a coupled lifestyle. (Less other people hassles, you can be as selfish as you like :P) 4. It not my first, but it is my clearest. It was in Jan when i was at the Witteveen house hold and so were you, and we had a lovely conversation and they shared their dinner with us. The first would proably be hearing about you from April or Sammy early in 05 and seeing some photos. 5. 3 people count?mmm Question 26? 6. Not sure what will be here, but it could probably be a doctrinal or relationship based conversation where the floor is split, but you will go to bed, coz it will be well after 12 already :P. 7. Now i get to put my name on yours :D Sam says: 1. Only one? I like how you tell the truth, even when sometimes its hard. I like your laughter, your honesty, and yes, sometimes even your bluntness. 2. Garden State 3. What are you doing thursday? (Homework and I might grab afternoon tea with that friend of mine that lives up the road ;) 4. Not the first, but one of the early ones. centre trip, waking you up and you telling me to go away, and you later apologising for that. it makes me chuckle every now and then :P 5. err... ha ha! i have it! something talked about over chai tea, in a crowded local cafe ;)... 6. would there be one? 7. You have to put this on your blog now. this is strike 2... :P Hannah says: 1. your good moods... and when you can be bothered conversing nicely/properly 2. Sabrina because of your strange love affair with it. 3. how do you see me, not as a sister, but as a person? What don't you know about me? 4. playing a game in Auki with magazines and paper dolls 5. weirdest way you ever met someone. 6. I'll kill you quickly and make you into a pie...which i will then feed to the family. If you got me first, you'd attempt cookies. Don't try it. 7. If I do this for you, you must post this on your journal.

Another disaster Deakin day

I overslept this morning - not so much as to be a problem, but I happened to leave my wallet and phone at home. By mid morning I worked out it was really not a good day to choose to leave the student card at home. I have an assignment due tomorrow that requires a short video component. I stupidly left it until today to borrow the equipment from the Library. You happen to need your student card for such loans. I managed to work out a way around it by getting the camera and drivers under Jess's name, after waiting around until 3pm when she showed - and then had to track down Adrian to get him to sign a permission form (how school). So I have the equipment. I get it back down to the Studio and realise that I'd forgotten I'd need a memory card (don't have one) the super intelligence in my brain forgot such things as a dv tape. Adrian points out my oversight - now I have an alternative, but no tape and no money to get one. Adrian (who's Studio tutor) lends me some money :o and I head on up to the DUSA store. There I find a tape. $12. The girl asks me how my day has been. Not so good, I briefly mention leaving phone/money home. She goes, "Oh you'll get home and have all these messages!" (mildly horrified) - Can you give a rueful smile mentally? Messages - hahahha the phone is the least of my worries. I'm lucky if I get one a day. Back to the Studio. I take a few minutes of random footage of pretty much nothing. Adrian leaves, I'm again the only one around. I plug the camera in first on the PC I am logged into. Nothing. I put the cd with the drivers in, the computer wants admin acess before it'll let me do anything. Like that'll happen. I try various other means - zip. I try it in a MAC. It doesn't even have enough guts to recognise the CD. I restart. Nothing. I try another Mac, both firewire and the USB. At least this time it recognises the CD. I open the stupid instruction book (after trying everything) and follow it, copy driver files to where they should be. Nothing. I restart. Nothing. And here I am after having sent a 'this is what's happened' email to my tutor - which may or may not go down well. I am very over it. I am very annoyed I spent $12 on a tape that to me is practically useless. I am very annoyed I have to sit here almost another hour waiting for Jess because every other little bit of homework that needs to be done tonight is at home. My mouth has had that, "You still are sick" strange taste to it all day.

A rough one

I am really very glad this day is almost over. I'm not one to get sick very often - although this year has already proved an exception to that. My throat is still sore although did disappear for a while. And to the people who think lemon and honey drinks solve the worlds problems (there have been several of you) - they don't. I actually couldn't think of much worse. I could bore you with the ins and outs of feeling pathetic but it wouldn't do you much good. I procrastinated all day. I slept for a sad short half an hour when I should've tried for more. I read a chapter or two of Perspectives and another fat wad of Running With Scissors unitl it started getting even more well, crude so I decided to give it rest. Its a pity so many memoirs have this exceedingly dark edge to them. It's a different crude than A Million Little Pieces and a tad more along the lines of A Monk Swimming - no, different still. They are making a movie of it apparently, the censorship ratings if they follow the book's detail are going to be through the roof. Sometimes I wonder why I draw the line far more loosely at books than I do with movies. I felt a fair bit better after dinner, an interesting (alibet cheery) email (probably more to the fact that I was bemoaning that I never get enough emails - oh yes, self absorption was high on the agenda today) and a bath. I mustered up the collective pits of procrastinaton and piled them ontop of one another and wrote my assignment proposal (or at least a semblance of one) in about 10 minutes. Which in actuallity should have me fuming that it cause so much heart (I mean mind) ache in consuming my day. Things look vaguely more achievable now. I like the book of Hebrews and was reading randomly from there tonight. The end of Chapter 12 has something I haven't quite noticed before.

25See to it that you do not refuse him who speaks. If they did not escape when they refused him who warned them on earth, how much less will we, if we turn away from him who warns us from heaven? 26At that time his voice shook the earth, but now he has promised, "Once more I will shake not only the earth but also the heavens."27The words "once more" indicate the removing of what can be shaken—that is, created things—so that what cannot be shaken may remain.

28Therefore, since we are receiving a kingdom that cannot be shaken, let us be thankful, and so worship God acceptably with reverence and awe, 29for our "God is a consuming fire."

However much relevance it has to me I'm not sure, but what I want to know is, 'what is it that cannot be shaken?', what is going to remain? Wow, wake up ignoramus... I read v.28 just then. So it seems it's the kingdom (Kingdom of God?) that cannot be shaken. This pulls me back again to that long wonderful semester last year of trying to define the KOG... The problem is, I now forget exactly all the things we came up with. I need to go over things. Regardless of what exactly it is, this is pretty much saying you can't beat it, it's lasting. So shouldn't we all the more work to play our part in bring it about? And yet, it says we are recieving it. We talk about the Kingdom of God being here, but not yet here. I forget (unfortunately where it talks about what part we get to play - unless thats just a derived set of conclusions from a number of texts.) "Let us be thankful, and so worship God acceptably with reverence and awe, for our "God is a consuming fire." Despite perhaps the 'play your part as a good little Christian' in bringing the KOG about, God's going to do this stuff regardless of our effort (not saying we can be 'lazy buggers'). So the important response? We should really be living thus: 'thankful and worshiping God...' A mandate for the Christian life perhaps? Now what would that look like in practice?! My head's all over the place right now, but if you ever happen to run out of things to be thankful for (and I was getting that way today mulling my black mood of, 'what am I doing with my life/sick blah/pointless pointless') here it is. We're living in something that can't be shaken (or at least all the bad bits will be shaken out) and there is still more good to come. *disclaimer/appology for feeding you any shonky theology - afterall, "work out your salvation with fear and trembling" not someone else's salvation for them with fear and trembling. and that'll be enough to send the she with touch of sarcam, wandering theology and the still sore throat to bed.

A macabre death of a once healthy work ethic

One still sore throat and the general blah feeling of blahness means I am staying at home today. I had intended (and still probably should) get on top of my 'The Body' assigment for photography, but I happened to open some lecture notes/powerpoint from the other tutor's class of the same and freaked out at what depth they require us to go into. I'm afraid my usually very good work ethic and the compulsive drive in me to 'do my best' has either run on overdrive and putted out to a cruel and ghastly death or has gone on an extended holiday. Frankly I can't be stuffed. I don't think that I could quite bring myself to just 'not do it' - there is a little bit of my brain dancing with glee at the thought, I sincerely doubt I will muster the effort to aim for a Distinction or greater. Thus far, my 'starting the assignment' has consisted of a disinterested flick through some photography books - none of which are really relevant. A muck around with the digital camera taking photos of my feet and other stuff strange bodily bits (like my hands) and the questioning of how to use up the film in my Minolta before I launch into the evils of slide film again. We are 'required' to go visit another exhibition - not going to do it. We also have to somehow come up with an original idea which of course has been inspired by other photographers work (Okay, so where's the originality in that?) I am sick and I am tired and all I really want to do is go to sleep and wake up with stupid thing done but it's going to hang over my head all afternoon and I know I'll feel like the day's been a waste if I don't get started.

Some more top quality literature

I was going to spout some almighty backtrack, but I got caught up in the Tod Russell and Brant Web (those two miners) interview on Chanel 9. Quite facinating. Now all we have to do is wait for the movie, the books, the commercials... it is now past 10:30, and I have an annoyingly sore/thick throat. I so wish I did not have to go to uni tomorrow - and I still may not, but I have to work out when I'll be able to get hold of a video camera to shoot about 30 seconds of necessary footage to prove I can. The class, although compulsory will be yet another documentry if I'm not wrong and I think I can afford to miss at least one more. I shall see how blergh I feel in the morning. So as for, 'spouting some almighty backtrack'. I wont subject you to too much detail. I will however say something or it means there will be gaping holes in the record should I ever chose to look back, which I do occasionally. Laughable really. Oh well, it is my blog, my sleep time and I guess I can sacrifice it how I so choose. If you read it you do. If you don't, well - it's not a huge loss. I do hope I can keep it to a half interesting ramble. So, Friday was well and truly full. Iain, Sam and I joined Jess for a falafel lunch - which was quite good once drenched in other stuff, and then got the train into Camberwell. Walked from the station to the Rivoli (Cinema) to see Water, I had no idea what I was getting in for, except that it was an art housey film. Very, very powerful. There were several people crying by the end of it and I was very close to - which can take a bit. Very unhollywood a movie. I find out later that it's the third of a trilogy and very controversial with Hindu fundamentalists, which is quite understanding considering the content. If you can get to one of the limited places it's being shown, do bother - it's fantastic, quite disturbing and very moving. Met Laura, then stopped by Dick Smith in the city to catch Ben (Yits) and managed to lose Iain for a good 15 minutes. We met the boys (that being Dan, Cam and Jerome) at Southbank. Grabbed some dinner and ran into heaps of other people from church that were also going to see Robyn at Top Acts. You might as well know it Dan - I'm pretty sure you read this. I was rather unimpressed with the three as they wasted money on three beers each before we even went in. We had excellent seats on the front of the balcony. The music wasn't as impressive as last years Top Acts but the drama and monologues were better. I came away with the distinct impression that everything picked up after the intermission. Robyn's was brilliant. Despite the music lacking somewhat - there were two guys, one with a pretty normal guitar and one with a lap guitar that... well! Jaw flooring talent. Wandered towards the Casino afterwards but didn't stop long as I realised we'd miss the last train. So home again home again, amusing train ride home complete with 'the quiz' from well, probably the MX. I had my car at Ringwood Station and ended up giving Dan (bongos) and Steve a lift back. Slept the night at Jess's. Caught up with Ana and Natalie (and Sam) for breakfast at Maccas. I was none too awake. zone zone ramble zone zone... I'm sitting in bed (good old wireless) with the electric blanket on and I'm getting sleepier and sleepier. William and Claire's wedding in the afternoon. The sound system died as she started walking down the aisle :S the fast acting piano player took over. It was a very nice wedding, quite traditional maybe not exactly how I'd do things. The vows were just the standard - I think it'd be nicer in a way to write your own. (Photo-wise, I had a terrible seat. The church was packed and we were near the back behind a lot of people) this (see left) is about as good as it got. I really didn't know the bride at all, but the groom and his family have been friends of ours since before Laura and I were born. Jo and Elyce know them from beachmission, it was a pleasant surprise really as I didn't think they'd be there. Had a bit of a chat to Jo and quite a lengthy chat to Elle. I really should make some time to catch up with her - feel like I only got to know her a tiny bit last year and thats been a bit of a loss. Also saw the Blythes, the Wingers and a few of the Adneys (which was weird after church messiness). I was sitting in the car on the way home and after talking to Elyce about being sensible I guess when it came down to 'doing to much' and I realised just how stuffed I was. Sore throat and utterly exhausted. Decided to give Alecia's 21st a miss. And had a very relaxing/valuable time alone at home with a book or two and a chat with God about some very onhand stuff. And that was enough of a boring verbal blah to remind me that I should definitely be asleep. Congratulations if you got this far without skimming.

But

You’ll never be able to do enough, be enough, have enough, serve enough, give enough, pray enough, worship enough, study enough or submit yourself enough to whatever rigors you think might smooth some of the rough edges and bring you closer to God. He, on the other hand, has done everything so that you can be His, be faithful, be attentive and be walking in the immense freedom of His grace to discover more of Him, His love, His work in you, His will for your life, His best use for your gifts, His direction for your life. Be present to the Lord now, for what He has put before you right now; be present to those you have been given to love and mentor; present to those who need loving leadership and shepherding; present to the people in your life who love you for where you are right now. Take your eyes off the horizon and what might be, or could be. Focus on what the Lord has before you right now; be faithful to fulfill His call for you right now. When it’s time to look up on the horizon to see what the Lord is bringing your way, He will tell you to look up and get ready for what lies ahead. Until then, be faithful and purposeful to find your significance in doing your best to fulfill God’s call on your life right now. The accolades may or may not come, but that will not matter if you know at the core of who you are that you are fulfilling God’s call on you life. What would matter would be that you strove for the accolades and public recognition of your accomplishments and in the process sacrificed being in the centre of God’s will for your life. You will have achieved something good at the possible cost of God’s best for you. (from an email to Colin Creel from the book Perspectives... and I might have butchered it just slightly)

And this is worth a read Psalm 27

My hands they smell like onions

You know that when you are cutting onions, unless you take drastic measures, that your eyes water like crazy. It's not crying and you don't really feel anything. I haven't mentioned it before but a few days ago my Oma had a fall and hurt her hip and has ended up in hospital. I didn't mention it because it didn't seem that serious. We went in to see her this evening. I didn't particularly want to go as I really don't like the smell of hospitals however callous that sounds, she being my Oma and all. This one didn't smell- sometimes I think the idea of that is the only thing that ever put a big damper on the 'doctor thing', I did use to think that maybe I'd like to do that. She was far more frail than I was expecting. She has bladder infection apparently as well as the hip thing, and the medication, (this afternoon) to have contributed to well, a lot of confusion. I never know what to do at hospitals. Seriously, I have no idea. I hate just doing the standing thing. My uncle Peter and cousin Robert were there also. I've hardly ever spoken to Robert (he's 17) before. But we did for once, stood there and talked a bit, just to do something. She kept wanting to get out of bed and was answering yes to every question and feeling Hannah's jacket and the sheets. There was a guy yelling, "Ben, Ben, Ben" from another room down the hall. I couldn't ever be a nurse. The radio in the car on the way home played, Walking on Sunshine. Sharon Payze had her baby yesterday- Owen William Kentler is getting married this Saturday and Christine and Rupert next Saturday. It's funny how it sometimes seems that the world is compensating.

Slapped across the face

Backtrack one day because I didn't blog!!!! (All die in horror but remember I'm allowed to be and too often am sarcastic). The day that I wagged uni (the beautiful sunshine filled - non winter melbourne, or just non melbourne day) I spent going out to lunch with Mum, up Warburton way. Had one of those rare get along famously and enjoy eachother moments (afternoons rather), which I do like a lot. So it's worth a mention. Uni today, interesting stuff this morning. Jen and I decided we'd single out and try get hold of Justin for the group work - as he'd be one of the few that'd pull their weight. We asked him and he said he'd been trying to avoid answering the other guys, said that would be nothing sort of marvellous and thanked us over and over (this is Mr mature aged, sort of) and Jen's comment to me later was, "I think he likes us". Which I found quite funny. Nah, he's a good bloke - talks a lot, laughs a lot, knows a lot and will work. Still Images right, Kim (aka Jake... we don't know quite which is his actual name) or we could just call him Sparky (Or whatever the guy who does spirit fingers off Bring It On, no I didn't just admit I've seen that) puts on a documentry on this tiny tv screen with sound so bad... well! Then he starts going round the room checking people's 'proposals' for their 'The Body' assignment. The unit guide unless I'm very much mistaken says week 12 for this. So I have nothing ready, I tell him my vague idea of what I'm going to do, fully admitting I'm not ready and he pretty much tells me to go to the library and do research - after saying I have about 5 books sitting at home just waiting for me to open them. I was a little put out, but took the 'Go directly to jail, do not pass go, do not collect $200' card and went there, happily missing the documentry that no one could hear and three hours of tedium. The benefits of leaving class early... well! Sanity to start with, that and a decent chat over hot-chocolate/chai with Isobelle and Jess. Young adults tonight. Pete was away again so we played a few erm games. "Honey I love you..." which I've never been a fan of, Bus-stop (which I didn't participate in) and close eyes and feel a persons face and see if you can guess them. Josh was wearing this beanie and Dan grabbed it and threw it at me, I tried to get rid of it but it came back, so I put it on - took my glasses off (seeing as well... you have to if you are playing at that or it's a dead giveaway). Geoff was the 'blind' person. He was put infront of me, felt the beanie and, "Hey hey I know who this is, Josh" or something of the sort, and started slapping me (In the affectionate way um guys I guess do if they are blindfolded and convinced). Entirely hilarious to all, thankfully not painful but hehe, oh was he embarassed. Fred the Red's Movements Similar to last week, on an angle very close this time to Izzy's car. A couple of the others moved it back, unfortunately the steering wheel was so far locked that my key wouldn't turn. Michael managed to deal with it. No one will ever park near me now. Most people went their merry way home. Geoff, Tim (outdoor ed - need a better way to distinguish the two), Laura and I went to Macca's. Had a good long chat, well Tim was doing probably 80% of the talking. He has interesting psychoanalysis techniques which we were asking him about, he said I'd done him a favor this past week which was really helpful then refused to let on what it was. Managed to get him to say he'll tell me in 3 months, so I wrote the date down and hopefully wont forget. Anyway enough rambling, last shift at work tomorrow!!! Bed should be warm by now. Time to use it.

Who me?

Dear Blog reader, Before I go and regard the DNA personality thing as 'old' if you really really want to (as it'll take some time), you can assess me! by clicking here and do be nice and let me know/see your results if you are going to do it. Remember the Johari Window? If you haven't done either of those and you're bored... well, I think you get the hint. *read the above Laura! (Anyone else is welcome to do them too, but if you don't know me well it's probably going to be a waste of your time, of course if you are bored it's not going to matter in the slightest and you will do it and send me the results) Respectfully yours, Inventor

Look out the window

"The weather is fantastic and Im having a gay old time!" This just about sums it up! It's beautiful outside. Oh no, of course I'm not wagging uni...

Conversations

“As you do not know the path of the wind, or how the body is formed in a mother's womb, so you cannot understand the work of God, the Maker of all things. ”- Ecclesiastes 11:5

It's satisfying coming across verses that aren't cliche catchphrases of the Christian world. I really like this one. We don't know what God has in store for us but we can know that he is marvelous and unchanging and cannot act contrary to who he is. It's truly amazing when something eventuates when you would've settled for far less. Last night I was prepared for an enjoyable catch up with my YITS friends and that certainly happened, but what followed with the last six of us there was nothing short of God doing something wonderful. Around ten'ish it looked like things were finishing up, Clacy, Sam, Dan, Janice and a few of the others left. The six of us still there: Jess, Iain, Kat, Mark, Dave and myself retreated to the backroom to escape the the remains of a disputible game of All Play Pictionary, pods and tim-tam wrappers, spilt coffee and chai-tea syrup (after some rather stupid dares) and pizza boxes. Someone asked the general question of, "How's the God stuff been going lately?" and as we talked our way around the room the night exploded into this facinating, real, God filled conversation. We took it to 3am, spent some time praying and sitting there in silence. It is both inspiring and worrying and encouraging to hear how things have been. My sincere thanks for their wisdom, honesty, courage and desire to let God do what he will with the blueprint of who they are.

DNA of a Respectful Inventor

Well, Geoff managed to unearth a personality thing I hadn't done. I did mine in a bit of a rush but it seems that I am a: Respectful Inventor So click away read what I got then go take the test yourself. I don't agree with this line at all: "It is more interesting for you to pursue excitement than it is to get caught up in a routine." but I shall take it again another time and see if I come up with anything different. It looks like tests like these tend to associate the emotional stuff with feminity so I think it'd be best for you not to comment on the masculinity rating that I got. Haha. I think maybe I should listen to this: "While you know how much can be learned from observing your world, remember that much of life can be lived by experiencing it, not just understanding it."

The eighth day

With some delight I counted out 7 days of anti-caffiene on my fingers and realised today was day 8. I reach up into the shelf where we keep such wonders and realise with some despair that there is no tea. Green tea and other herbal teas do not count. The box is gone, finished. I see the humor in the situation - the fact that we've run out of bread and are down to the last centimetre of milk doesn't inspire my confidence in the stocking of the basics in this house. I think about going to where we keep some camping supplies to find an old one but instead I take my chances sifting through the box of random 'teas' (the kind that don't merrit drinking). There is one very boring, very normal, very wonderful bag or two left. Cheers all round. That was a nice cup of tea.

Sense and Sensibility

Which ever the wrong side of the bed is, I definitely got out of it this morning. Mothers day right. I spent the car trip to church letting myself be annoyed by her. Hence the start of church felt wrong/awkward. I was not in a good place; I knew it and it frustrated me still in trying to do something about it. I could not make head or tail of the sermon. It started off about faith and I was keyed into listen, but it was disjointed – some good stuff was said, but systematic wasn’t happening and try as I might, I failed to join the dots. Surprisingly Ezekiel made an appearance, as did the need to encourage, so maybe it was a sounding board for some of this week’s stuff? I was sitting at home reading some of Big Girls Don’t Whine and letting my mind wander over the week and some of what’s come up. Although I can’t go into explicit detail here I’ve realised I’ve been getting a bit caught up over an assumption I’ve made. Yes, it does have a decent grounding and part of me might even want it to be true even though it would bring up a whole heap of unwanted hurdles, but it’s not helping things. I shouldn’t be going around realising something into actuality until it is concrete. Those who know more of this can laugh their faces off and do the ‘aww’ thing, but I think I want my super realistic, “in the now” view back. It works. It leaves you living far more contented with the way things are. And hey, it eliminates or at least stalls some other problems. To be honest, it’s these side things that have me concerned. I’d rather not delve into the feeling barrel and the mess of my uncharted mind before I need to. Coping mechanism? I am frustrating myself today. There is much I know and don’t live. Much I want to live and struggle doing so. Peter Pan’ing is not an option even though it’d be easier.

It is written: "I believed; therefore I have spoken." With that same spirit of faith we also believe and therefore speak, because we know that the one who raised the Lord Jesus from the dead will also raise us with Jesus and present us with you in his presence. All this is for your benefit, so that the grace that is reaching more and more people may cause thanksgiving to overflow to the glory of God. Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day. For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen. For what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal. - 2 Cor 4:13-18

Maybe God did have something to poke at me in the jumble of that sermon afterall...

Wonderfully Complex

Last night I had a rather facinating conversation with a friend, I mentioned the old questions and enquires thread on Gush, which was an, ‘ask questions about guys and girls’ thread. It snowballed from when he asked, “What do you want to know?” What a minefield of opportunity! The poor boy was subjected to many many questions. Mind you, he threw a fair few of them back in my face and so I think managed to get something out of it himself. Some of the more interesting insights actually came from his end,

“What’s something guys should know about girls?”

A good bit of rambling followed, but something that came up was in the way of compliments. I’m not exactly sure why and I’m hoping here that I can represent a female generalisation (or something’s stuffed and I’m sorry), being told by a guy that you are smart or funny or whatever is really nice, but compliments about how you look actually strike a deeper chord. I don’t think that I’m obsessed with my apperance, and I do think I’ve got a reasonable self esteem, but I’ve enough of a gague on myself to know that such things at least carry a fair bit of weight initially. They say looks aren’t supposed to matter it’s all the inner beauty stuff. That’s all very well, but something really does hit home when you can associate erm, lets use the word beauty here, with yourself. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again. Guys need to learn how to encourage girls appropriately and the appropriate thing is even more important when it comes to compliments, it’s the more risky, but don’t leave looks out of it all the time. Find the tact to let a girl know she’s looking nice even if you don’t intend to ask her out. There is however the problem of her misinterpretting you as girls minds can grab at threads and go mad, so you’d better make sure you’re being consistent with all/most your female friends. Oh and don’t over do it (until you’ve due reason to), it’s just not cool and it sounds fake. Ha! I’m glad I’m not one of you; it’d be such a complicated business. The most eye opening question of the night was this one:

“What’s something you've always wanted to know about guys but were too afraid to ask?”

I’m not sure whether I misinterpreted the question or if it does make logical sense, I took a bit of time wondering what to say and quite shocked myself by coming out with the following: “What do you (guys in general) think of me? I.e: all up” I was not in any way fishing for a compliment or an affirmation despite it sounding thus. It was a strange thing to admit and I didn’t know what to think of myself afterwards. He was silent for quite a while and came back and actually answered it. Wow uncomfortable, but a really good experience. Belive me, I’ve been rehashing it at various points in my day. Nothing like someone’s good opinon to slap a bit of worth on your forehead. What would it be like if we were more honest with our friends? I think I’ve talked about how we suck at encouragement before. It was good reminder to act on it more frequently. Being genuine and verbal about others people’s qualities would do marvels for the world. Returning to the looks thing, this does need to be mentioned, “ Charm is deceptive, and beauty is fleeting; but a woman who fears the LORD is to be praised. ”- (Proverbs 31:30) We need to remember very distinctly that it is not looks that are going to pull through and last the distance. Strength can be gleaned from a well placed word and helps on the immediate ‘self worth’ thing which in turn I’d hope would help in understanding a little more of how God see us. It’s not everything though. “Why is beauty so important?” I guess that we (females) got that edge of God’s likeness. Or the humorous interpretation: each thing that God made just kept getting better and woman was last, so I guess she’s the crowning glory. Hehe. I’m not trying to sprout, ‘How females are better’, we are fundamentally the same: “So God created man in his own image, in the image of God he created him; male and female he created them.” (Gen 1:27), but I do think we are different. I happened to read Psalm 139 in the NLT version some time today and it’s too good not to share:

You made all the delicate, inner parts of my body and knit me together in my mother's womb. Thank you for making me so wonderfully complex! Your workmanship is marvelous--and how well I know it. -Psalm 139:13-14 (full passage)

We just really have to learn to remind eachother of it once in a while instead of going out of our way to get it off of others.

Empty headed, stary eyed

What a thoroughly uneventful way to quit work. I left a letter on my Boss's desk after realising (a slight oversight) that neither of them nor the manager work on Saturday. I let Simone know and then Susan. They are sorry to see me go. Susan asked me what was next and did the whole, "You'll be a loss to them" thing and something about, "Showing promise for working in said* trade" (So shoot me first) She's not finishing up soon as I thought- which is better in a way, I'm not leaving the company high and dry. Despite wanting out, I don't think I've quite got it in me to desert them in a desperate hour. I really like both of the 'S' ladies. I didn't bother telling Grace. Dave was a kind friend and dropped in to see me, we chatted far more than I would've dared if the manager had've been there. I returned the favor when my 2'oclock came round, went down and said hi to him while he was unpacking some beetroot - thrilling stuff. Drove to Word as I'd planned last night, I prefer Koorong but Nunnawadding is closer than Blackburn. Word frustratingly situated. If you miss the turn into the Brandsmart sliplane you can't just turn at the actual street. I did miss the turn. You really shouldn't shop when you are in a 'whatever' frame of mind as you end up spending more. I bought four books. I rarely am that supurfulous with money, I had the sense to restrain myself from five. There goes today's pay. Still, I got 15% off thanks to a tabor graduation present ('go vouchers' *mock cheer*) and a good lot of reading/thought matter to continue with. The guy who served me was nice and gave me it (the voucher) back so I could use it again at a later date. Christian merchandise makes me gag, if it weren't for the occasional book or CD I'd avoid those places like nothing else. So, came home with: Big Girls Don't Whine (which was one Roz had and shared on the 'girls morning' at camp and I've been interested in it for a long while), A Woman and Her God I confess this one was a bit on impulse, no idea what it'll be like. A Beautiful Offering, also 'just because I saw it', Angela Thomas is a reasonable author ( 'Do You Think I'm Beautiful') it's my hope that this one wont involve too many 'dance' metaphors, besides, its not about relationships in the typical sense, but about God - so surely not. I also randomly found this book called Perspectives aim'ed at 20something's. So what. But it's done by RELEVANT and they publish stuff that prompts thought. Brain food is something I like rather a lot and I've started running the parental's shelves dry on 'God angled books', or at least of the ones that interest me. I'm really tired again. Hannah was all lovely and made me chai-tea when I got home. My room's a mess. I want more than ever to work my head and old blogs into a 'collective' lot of erm Rebecca essays and do something with them. I dont' ever want to see or wear my work shirt again, but I may have one last shift next week which is a real bummer. It feels fantastic knowing I wont have to go back there and back again and again and again. /random Another post later as something's doing the slow roast in my brain. *bookshop

Overlooking

Oh yeah thats right. I go to bed relatively unbothered by something and I wake up thoroughly confused because I've half realised something and it still doesn't work! Oh I hate my brain and my subconcious sometimes! Time, time, just roll on!

What you do on a day where there's nothing pressing

A pleasant day all round. Woke up at a reasonable hour. I was eating breakfast and having a bit of a think about how I haven't really been learning much about who God is and other around that area and how it was bit annoying that was the case, then got the idea (Holy Spirit induced I'm gathering) that its rather been my own doing. I haven't been looking/searching it out. Bit of a 'duh' moment - which happens now and then. I spent a good bit of time reading Ezekiel, of all books. I keep coming across it, and ignoring it and so when it came up again this morning in my lazy perusal I decided I'd read it. It's such a strange book. Puts the, 'fear of God' and a, 'jealous God' really into perspective. It's so weird though. You wonder how it got into the Bible. How much is 'vision', how much is actual? Very disturbing in a way. God is so unbelieveably angry at unholiness. So frustrated with the people of Israel. So jealous about idols. So much what he should be. So much so that we should be really really concerned with the lives and 'salvation' (I use that loosely) of other people. Who are we not to obey, not to hurt for the world, not to do something about it? I got interuped around chapter 23 when Jessica D dropped by on her way back home and stayed for half an hour or so. Then I invited Sam down for lunch and got her to eat tuna (her "I hate" food) as I made tuna burgers. She actually liked them, which had me impressed. Mind you I'm not the worlds biggest tuna fan either and I like them, so it all fits. We went to Morrisons for afternoon tea. I was good and had Chai (as did she. NO CAFFEINE) however tempting their lattes are. They still took it as my 'freebee' (Coffee Cards are great things!). It was so busy up there! We still managed some excellent conversation and some rather funny conversation about something I don't talk about much. Which gave her face this permanent smile and had her giggling at odd intervals (not that it's all very out of the ordinary really). It was kind of cool to be freeish to talk about it. Took the dog for a decent walk/run - it's been a while. Gave me more time to think and enjoy the day. I wrote my resignation letter. They'll be getting a week's notice - that's all I ever get with shifts.

Dear X and Y,

I want to thank you for the time I’ve worked with you and the others at 'the store'. Unfortunately due to uni loads, availabilty and the relevance of the work towards career, I will be finishing employment with you by the 21^st of May 2006.

Thank you again for the experience of working with you,

Rebecca

Yeah it's a bit of bubble, but you can't exactly say formally that: I really am not enjoying myself, the hours are crap, you give me hardly any notice of when I'm working, you complain at my lack of availability on Sundays and in general...

It's going to feel so good to finish up there. Fare ye well to a 6 month lot of experience. Tilla, I'm coming to join you on the other side! Although that does mean working from home for a while until I decide to go job hunting again.

One thing I didn't do today was to look at what homework I should've started on... a slight oversight.

Friday week, a group of twelve of us are off to see Top Acts at Hamer Hall.

"Top Acts presents VCE performing arts students from 2005 who achieved outstanding results in dance, drama, theatre studies, and music (group and solo)"

It'll be a mix of church people and YITS people which shall be interesting. Considering Robyn is in for her monologue (theatre studies) I'm surprised we didn't get more of the church people. So it'll be: Jess W, Laura (sister), Sam, Alecia, Emma, Laura (yits), Daniel, Cameron, Jerome, Iain, Kat (church) and myself. Which shall make for a very bizarre experience. Should be a LOT of fun.

Quit

Are You a Coffee Addict?

• Do you consume more than two cups of coffee, tea or cola or chocolate in a day?
• Yes
• Do you feel fatigued on and off during the day?
• Yes
• Do you go through massive emotional mood swings during the day?
• Not really
• Do you suffer from frequent headaches?
• Not frequent, but sometimes
• Do you suffer from constipation or are you dependent on tea or coffee in the morning for clearing your bowels?
• Erm, no
• Do you suffer from acidity or heartburn?
• No
• Do you feel a generalized pain in the neck, shoulders and back region and a sensation of discomfort in the legs, hands and stomach?
• Only stomach when I've been staying up too late and thats just because I'm hungry
• Do you suffer from a burning sensation, fatigue and heaviness in the eyes?
• The latter, yes - when I get tired
• If you are a woman do you suffer from premenstrual syndromes?
• You shouldn't ask those kind of questions
• Do you have difficulty in going to sleep?
• Nope, I aim to wear myself out before I get there
• Do you wake up in the morning feeling dead tired?
• Sure do
• Are you easily irritable?
• Some may say so. Definitely not all the time
• Do you suffer from irregular or rapid heartbeats?
• On the rare occasion, but I believe thats a family thing and hardly ever
• Do you often feel dizzy?
• Interesting one. Because yes, like the time I keeled it at work, and standing up to fast often gets me is probably a blood pressure thing
• Do you have high blood pressure problems apart from anxiety problems?
• See above
• Do you have ulcers?
• Nope
• Do you have problems concentrating without your regular cup of coffee?
• Sometimes
• Do your hands tremor?
• Only when I am hypoglycemic which isn't very often any more
• Do you feel dehydrated?
• Nope
If you have answered five to six of the questions with an 'yes' caffeine is part of your daily system, reduction or removalof products laced with caffeine from your diet will improve yourhealth considerably. If you have answered seven to eight of the questions in the affirmative, you are a caffeine addict, and need to reduce or eliminate caffeine from your diet. Before caffeine causes any nutritional imbalance or disorder try and be conscious about what you eat and drink. If 10 to 12 - well, you're stuffed So, I need to work out how much is sleep deprivation, how much is caffeine induced... and run from there. No I'm not a hypochondriac.

Jam doughnuts are covered in sugar

If I'm going to do a ramble about my day I might as well leave the boring bits out. Which means you won't be hearing about uni today. It being a Wednesday, we found ourselves - a large group of about 25 sitting around the fire discussing evangelism. Odd, or really not, how it comes up in light of the post I made a few days ago, we also contemplated some 'kindness' evangelism which was something Jess was trying to drum into me on the way home today. Curious indeed. I think we aim to go from uni to Terry's Tucker and so fit something useful and beneficial to others into our week. I wouldn't mind investigating the kids part of Terry's. Jess and I have an interesting friendship that errupts every six months or so due to me getting frustrated at her or she totally misinterpreting what I'm on about. It's ALWAYS a miscommunication issue - we spend a lot of time with eachother and I'm surprised we don't grate further. It got a little on that side this afternoon, some words were spoken in a slightly unnecessary tone with some stoney silence to follow. There is only so much I can take about hearing about movies. It is her passion, she does love to talk. I do however need to watch it. I am rather dissatisfied with myself. I was being slightly 'stand outside thine-self' tonight and quite annoyed at the way I do often amuse myself with the poke fun (in jest) at people comments (for things like Jess's movie obsession). It's not the best of ways to respect people, it's not necessary nor helpful. Find other ways Rebecca. Macca's after. Items of various food bits (ie: chips and sugar packets) were being thrown around. I got a little sick of it and almost (I did contemplate it a little) without thinking opened a packet and tipped it into some surprised hands. I usually ignore such food wars. Half way through tipping the packet I realised that perhaps it was not such a smart thing to do. I turned back to the conversation I was having and promptly got my face blown full of sugar. I got most of it off and later was showered another two times from the other side of the table via a spoon missile. Wednesday car movements: Car moved to a 30 degree angle from my original good park, with the back now about 1cm close to Jess's car. It took some skillful manouvering and some careful instruction to get her out. Thanks to Tim and Geoff. No thanks Dan and Cam.... until next wednesday when the adventures of Fred the Red car grace these pages again. Go to bed!

About Caffeine and getting up too early

I haven't said it excplicitly here before but I'm taking the week off caffeine. This is a small endeavour to realign some normal sleeping habits and work out when I actually get tired, in truth it was more of an impromptu thing on Monday morning when I was about to pour the hot water into my cup. Here's to a shocking character flaw of following ridiculous ideas through because, 'it might be good for me'. Whatever non-existant sleeping habits I do have - which strayed in the the 2am'ers multiple times last week, have been shot to pieces as I am totally flat by about 11:30. I didn't think caffeine had that much effect on me, particularly as I simply drink coffee or tea when I want to (besides the wake up thing) and not always after 8pm. They talk about the dreaded cut-it-cold-turkey headaches. Which haven't been really that bad but I think may have been at least present some time yesterday. It's a difficult thing to not cave to the craving when you're at uni and the weather is typically Melbourne - freezing, and your considerate (not that he knows) tutor is drinking proper coffee in front of you and there is enough left in the pot for whoever student happens to get in first, and those who don't can simply go and make more. (Studio for my course comes with a kitchen which we stock, which means free coffee and tea for us!). To be honest I'm actually feeling more awake in the mornings which is probably more due to the longer hours in bed than the actual 'No coffee/tea' thing. Yesterday afternoon my lecture on Compression *yawn* finished early, so instead of waiting 5hrs for Jess, Connex did the honors. This means my car is still at Jess's. I'd intended to be dropped there this morning, when I find out Jess isn't going to uni until later. That'd work fine, except her Dad happens to be tuning my car today (which is there) but I have the keys. Jess arranges with me to pick me up (nice girl) and I'd come to Knox with her where she was meeting Sharon and then get the bus from there. "I'll come at 7:40". 7:40, no Jess, 7:50 no Jess. I call her, "I meant 8:40". I take the hint from the circumstance to carry out my already brewing plan: wag the tute on Compression - which will be a waste of time. "I'll come to yours after mum drops Em/Han at school" And so here I am. Up earlier than I need to and feeling quite all right for it. Still wouldn't have minded the extra hour sleep-in, but hey what can you do? I want some coffee!

Closed Doors

This is worth some thought. Persistance is something I admire and it's interesting I came across it this afternoon after reading this on Hannah. Yes there are times when the answer simply is no. It's a good thing to still have hope, God's plan is for good and not harm.

Interestingly, though Christians today speak of doors that are closed, Scripture does not. The need for open doors certainly implies the existence of some that are closed. But that doesn't seem to be the mentality of Paul. If he were sovereignly prevented from pursuing a plan, and yet the plan itself was sound, he simply waited and tried again later. He did not view a blocked endeavor as a closed door sign from God that his plan was faulty." - Friesen (Decision Making and the Will of God)

All around us

Day #1 without Caffeine (of the coffee/tea sort) On the drive to uni this morning _ and I had a rather long, involved and quality (I hope) discussion around the difficulty of 'doing the God thing'. How can we simply not just be good, moral, upstanding people but be living according to God, particularly when 'God time' gets pushed to a lower and lower priority. 'Quiet times' become rapidly obsolite in light of more interesting things and we start living in this static guilt cradle of, "I'm really sorry God, I should be spending more time with you." Where in reality, the sorry changes nothing, except perpetuates into the sorry being all the God time is about. It may be quite easy to say, "I love you God" but how can you live it? __'s concerns were all very valid and I'm only sharing them because I've had (and often do have) the same questions myself. I offered what advice I could and thought about how I do the 'incorporate God thing'. For really incoporating a God who should be the centre of well, everything, is throwing a human damper on it all before you even get started. We wound up at Tabor at the end of the day and were having a chat with Rowan. It came up again and he had some great advice, pointers and wisdom beyond what I had this morning. It was directed at her but I still found it both encouraging and interesting. Quiet times aren't all they are cut out to be. I do know this and its a massively good thing they aren't the be all and end all or else (picture more flailing ninnys here). Living in step with the Spirit (Gal 5), being imitators of God (Eph 5). This in some way is the only way we can 'love God'. Rowan gave _ a book (if she was interested). I promptly stole it off her, because it's short and I'd have read it and returned it before she even got around to starting. Turns out (As I thought) it is old enough to be available online. So The Practice of the Presence of God by Brother Lawrence. So I was sitting reading this tonight - took me about half an hour, it's really not that long. I tried to keep in mind the basic principle Ro' said it outlined - the constancy of God in our lives and spotting him in what he's already doing. It was difficult in a way because the book had some moments where I was more than entirely willing to leave it in disgust. There was very much an emphasis on thinking on God at all times, unfortuantely any other thought he seemed to dismiss as 'wrong' and put the priority on Love. I like to remember that with the, 'love the Lord your God with all your heart, soul and mind' adage (verse even) that we don't leave off the 'mind' at the end. I like using my mind. I'd be sorrowful piece of skin, bone and a bit of blood and fingernail without it. It's another part of me that God has created and I intend to use it. The writing also came across as a bit arrogant, but I think that's just because of the age. It also seems highly more possible to think about God all the time within a 'monk' type situation. I mean sure he had dishes to do and meals to cook, but hah, today is distraction city. It was still a very interesting quick read just some minor mental adaptions needed to fit the generation. God shouldn't be he whom we intergrate, but instead he who we realise has been there all along and doesn't depend on our 'set aside times' to interact with us. Stuff I know, but stuff worth remembering. Living the presence of God as if it really was here all the time (and it is) would be flippin amazing and so extremely difficult.

Referer logs

http://www.geoffreport.com/wp/?does_bec_check_her_referrer_logs http://www.geoffreport.com/wp/?does_bec_check_her_referrer_logs_again HA! Please send me an email it would make things convienient, how do you do stuff like that? Or is that one of those, "For me to know and you never to find out". rebecca dot lastname (get the spelling right) @ gmail.com or allsaidblog @ gmail.com I find it entirely interesting watching my blog stats. The fact that some of the referer's don't make any sense has me a bit confused, but I'm getting some non-Aussie readers which is kind of cool.

Hole in one

Entirely disgraceful that I'm on here posting again, that's three tonight. I got off msn after a couple of interesting conversations and looked at my newly made bed that's had the electric blanket on and wanted 'in'. I'm not quite ready for sleep yet though so, thanks to wireless things are rather nice. Bed is where I am. Today demanded a mention anyway simply because it was so good. Church this morning wasn't too bad. I either zoned out at the start of Petes sermon or there simply wasn't the kind of intro that lets you know where things are going so I got a tad lost. He had some good stuff to say on God's word, I just wasnt' sure where it was going. I got reading some stuff in Mark near the end of the sermon - it was on a passage in Mark and decided I'd stay reading and did so through one of the last songs, where by Jess gave me a puzzled 'what are you doing sitting down?' look to which I just gave her a, 'I'm reading something isn't that obvious?' one back. Sometime I 'connect' with God better through reading something than through singing something. Not to say God doesn't use music with me, because he does to a rather large extent, but not today it seems. I confess church music has all been rather flat at the moment. My brain is too critically hardwired and it's quite annoying. Someone decided that the youth/young adults would all go mini-golfing. We met for lunch at Chrinside in the food court. I was sitting between Jess and Dan, leaning forward talking with Tim and Geoff across the table and Jess started rubbing the top of my back (like massage but hardly hard enough) anyway the story I got from her later was that she motioned to Dan and they both started, or Jess's hand came off but she kept her arm there to keep 'the look'. I was just turning around to Jess and say, "Woah you're doing it without me asking, can you go harder please!" when I realised it wasn't her and of course everyone laughed - end of story. Evil girl. So mini-golfing was great! Jess, I and Geoff played one score card with Dan, Jerome and Sam behind us. Other lots of young adults/youth were around about. We were foolish enough to pick the outside course, and it having recently rained - half the holes were entirely submerged in water which made for interesting putting. I truly did suck at my first few, my excuse is that I haven't done anything of the sort for about 10 years now, but I think I really just can't. I did however fluke a hole in one and got 'better' when I could be bothered. I still lost - but only 2 points behind Jess and about 5 behind Geoff, the others didn't score properly. It was fantastic though! Haven't done something random like that (which isn't a movie) in ages. So much better than bowling. Before we left Jess was asking if anyone wanted to come to bigchurchuptheroad for the 'search for intimacy' (gave it away if you can be bothered googling it) short session/promo thing. Multiple 'no's' mostly in favor of not being fans of the church, a particular comment I was rather impressed with being (paraphrasing here), "Last time I went I couldn't stop criticising them, and I don't want to do that as part of the church." Hit home, a) because my brain does go mental at that church (most churches in bits actually) b) it was just um, wise. I was meant to bring Hannah home from mini-golf, but no one told me and it didn't cross my mind. Mum got really cranky at me for 'forgetting her' (not that I knew) I pled ignorance and someone dropped her home anyway. I went with Jess, having been earlier persuaded. It was a bit more of a promo night than I expected and before the 'sermon' started there was some things said which had me just about spewing or 'having kittens' (if you prefer that phrase) Jess was threatening to slap me. As a church it does a huge amount of good, just a different feel/slant to things and can get a bit hypey. Allan Meyer was however really good and there was some definite meat in the general, "This is what the series is about" thing. I would like to do The Search for Intimacy as it's meant to be fantastic, and from what I heard tonight it'd be really good. I think it is truly amazing how sexuality and intimacy I guess is a manifestation of God's character and so entirely woven in the Trinity. It's so utterly profound how it's used as so many metaphors for explaining spiritual relationships. Sometimes I think thats part of why marriage is so important, that it can show us something we as singles (if you happen to be single) don't really get. Oh sure we can understand love and try to understand God's love, but things like a 'jealous God'. It would make so much more sense in the context of marriage where the understanding is more complete. I was going to say more, but I think my head's wound down for the night. You might remember a while back that I was trying to make sense of some song lyrics. Sister, Mother by Sixpence and went even so far to email Leigh Nash - which I don't think she ever got. Tonight I think the penny has dropped. This song, how can I put it? Is like almost every other. About relationships, but this time its about being careful.

Blogger doubts

Top quality literature I've been feeding you (oh blog reader). My writing has not been very commendable lately. Bloggers can be so self absorbed, it seems I've fallen back into that pattern. I always know it's happening when I start talking about myself excessively, then get these ideas of 'taking a break' because I get worried about it. I wont this time - take a break that is, I will play it by ear. Feel free to pull me up. Blogging of the personal variety is quite selfish when you think it about it. I'd better not think about it. I was talking to a friend last night about why they read my blog. Seems my interesting *cough* day to days and my occasional slightly beyond shallow thoughts aren't why they read. They read because I'm me. A nice thought, but it really poses the question of, 'is it worth it'. If I didn't enjoy writing so much or had some other good means of brain outlet I don't think I'd bother. If it really is because I'm a little bit left of centre, they should find some other way of 'getting to know me'. And no. I'm not telling you to go away, stop reading and never come back. By all means don't.... yeah, now I've forgotten what I was going to say. And undoubtably unnamed person is going to ask me about it. Maybe I don't find myself so facinating, but I blog afterall. Now I've just dug myself a hole and written another hard to read post.

Dear Sisters

Yesterday (and today) I did something I might possibly regret and probably already do. Laura and Hannah now know where I reside online. It'll be a curious exercise in seeing how much verbal feedback I get, if at all from them reading this blog. I am actually interested to see if they'll get a different perspective on who I am - if they happen to have enough time to read from day one haha. This sounds all rather outlandish, but if I go from how much I think I really know of how their brains operate, well, I really don't know them all that well at all. It's funny that you can spend years and years sharing rooms, fights, clothes, pets and parents and still have hardly a clue of who you are really relating too. We shall see. Hi Haigs, Hi L. enjoy.

Launch

Finally the day. The new gush boards launched with me not around to see it happen. A little full of spam to start with, but I'm hoping and praying that'll faze out and we'll get some good discussions going. It better. My initial contribution (aside from about two years of pushing to get things done) Making Online Community Work. Which got written on a spot of late night inspiration and some good suggestions from fellow helpfuls. Now... if only it does work?

A fat lip later

The truth is probably best if anyone asks me if someone's punched me in the side of my face. They haven't. I did however have a nasty run in with the side of my car. That is, I was getting in - it was dark and my face met some metal. Minorly embarassing. So I have split lip, a fat lip, a bruised lip, a bit of numb s face and it was one of those pain moments where you feel distinctly like throwing up. Emily was with me and was entirely concerned about me (probably that I'd pass out as I was driving) the whole way home which was a little amusing as I'd said I felt a bit 'strange'. I still feel a bit sick and the side of my mouth looks a little worse for wear. Laura played nurse and got out a torch and everything when I got home (Mum wasn't around) and did the whole, "Put ice on it!" thing. Good old frozen peas.

Minor not major

So to continue what's become a daily tradition... I had the extreme rarity of having a day off. Absolutely nothing to do - except email off that rather large assignment before 12pm. This did mean I couldn't sleep to my hearts content but did mean that I didn't have to do battle with an oversleep headache which I get far too frequently as I abuse my body clock. Before I emerged from my room, Dad yelled out, "Bye I'm going to Sydney", "Okay, bye!" I didn't even think to go out. Shows how used I am to him doing the jetset thing. Not sure how long he'll be gone. Had the house to myself and so put on some classical music up loud. Had breakfast and sat around the lounge room for a long time, listening to, well I'd guess you'd call them memories. I do not think it's all that typical for someone my generation to really like classical music unless they happen to be thoroughly musical - which I can assure you I am not. I had a very big thing against most music when I was younger for some stupid reason and the first I ever admited enjoying (loving) was by Handel, Bach and Vivaldi. I dont' think I could listen to them all the time and I've far gotten over my fear of admitting that other stuff is actually rather fantastic. I still would count Handel's Messiah in my top 10. So I sat and listened and rediscovered pieces like Bach's Air on the G String (don't laugh!) which is one of the worlds nicest pieces of music. I spent a lot of time thinking, praying and a good bit of it reading. Have had the Bible out a fair bit more lately which is nice because it means I'm falling back into the habit which I did let slide a little bit, moreso I'm actually enjoying it. I love being home alone and having free range to do things like that alone, outside of my room, which is my hobbit hole and my hermitage. When Laura came home, late afternoon. We sat and watched the rest of Fiddler on the Roof (another something I haven't seen for ages). There are parts of that movie I can't stand but the rest of it seems to make up for them. Hodel is by far the best character followed closely by Chava. Perchik: There's a question... A certain question I want to discuss with you. Hodel: Yes? Perchik: It's a political question. Hodel: What is it? Perchik: The question of... marriage. Hodel: Is this a political question? Perchik: Well, yes. Yes, everything's political. Like everything else, the relationship between a man and a woman has a socioeconomic base. Marriage must be founded on mutual beliefs. A common attitude and philosophy towards society - Hodel: - And affection? Perchik: Well, yes, of course. That is also necessary. Such a relationship can have positive social values. When two people face the world with unity and solidarity... Hodel: And affection? Perchik: Yes, that is an important element! At any rate, I... I personally am in favour of such a socioeconomic relationship. Hodel: I think... you are asking me to marry you. Perchik: Well... in a theoretical sense... yes. I am. Haha. It's superb. Jess D, Sam and Jacqui came over this evening and we ate chips and played Bohnanza (or the Bean Game) which Jess is in love with for some reason. Jess won and I pulled in a draw for second with the lovely Samantha. They left reasonably early, which was rather nice because 'tired' still looms and I had a splitting headache. Now of course I'm up late again with the headache mysteriously gone.