Day one Deakin

Before I scoot to bed as I have an early one tomorrow - well 9:00 Studio class (which is the class particular to my course) which means get to Jess's by 7:45. I should mention something about uni. Jess and I rock up around 11:30. Meet this girl from Real Life (which used to be called Student Life), Hayley. Ask some questions attempt to vaguely suss it out. She has to go to a tute so we grab some lunch, both having not made it at home. Wont be doing that too often, too expensive. Isobelle find us and joins us (Did Yr.12 with her, she goes to Vineyard, 2nd Yr Primary Teaching). We got a brief tour of Building B from her, she points out good labs to use and the quieter ones. They help me find where I should be as Jess and Izzy are sharing a drama class elsewhere. Lecture is on the 4th floor. It looks like it'll be an interesting/fun subject. Comparitive Imaging I think it's called. A lot of digital photography stuff with a good slab of Photoshop which suits me fine however I do have to learn how to use a Mac which I haven't really before aside from a tiny bit one work experience, it is sort of annoying but was fairly inevitable. Everything can't be familiar. Met one other girl, Sarah, doing Media Arts. There wasn't really time for other introductions nor was I sitting next to anyone else. Lecture finished at 2:00, bus came at 2:20pm. I see Rosie (who I met at Elyce's party that once) it does turn out to be her, then Josie Kentler (long time family friends) as I'm getting off. Both are doing nursing. Get a Belgrave train at about 2:46pm. Get off at Ringwood. A good 15 minute wait or longer. Train to Lilydale. Bus straight away but packed with school kiddies. One was flicking a rubber band around, he would've been about 10. It landed near me about 10mins into the bus trip. I smiled at him and didn't give it back. I was being nice! Took FAR too long to get home, but oh well. Chris Memory, according to Hannah, thinks he has a class with me. I don't really know him beyond just sight (year below me in school). I'm guessing it would have to be Principles of Interactive Media or whatever they call it as thats the IT subject side of things. We shall see. The Studio, which is what it's called. Is exclusive to BIM students. Which means we get our own area, nice new computers with I dare say new techonology, big board room table, showers, toilets, kitchen, lounge area with Xbox/movie etc playing facilities with a big screen and soon an area for doing blue screen stuff. Rather appealing. It's open 24/7 apparently and used to be some part of drama backstage stuff. I shall be in there tomorrow morning. Yes, so survived and like to say thrived but haven't been there that long and besides, it's tacky.

Why I want

I hadn't forgotten, but this has been stewing in my head for a few days now, enhanced by a couple of articles that have appeared on some of the blogs/websites I follow and some conversations. Contextually for the rest of you I got this email on the 22/2/06:

Just a question for you to have a think about from reading your quiz. Why do you want “Mr. Right”? What do you think it is within you that drives this desire? Regards, Anthony

So I have been thinking about this and I hope by no longer putting off writing this blog that the 'outloud' method will help clarify a few things in my own mind and maybe prompt some thought in some of those very fine tuned blog readers of mine. To set the record straight I am not discontent in my status of being single - at least not currently ha, and I've had my rant on defining self according to relationship somewhere back here already. Go here to read an interesting article here on contentment. This is not to say I'm not frustrated at times, however frustration can be a good thing (Rom 8:20-21) whether that fits in this kind of circumstance I'm not sure. I think the question in that email came about because I was previously talking about how I responded to a question posed at the new YITS camp. Somebody asked something along the lines of, "Has YITS prepared you better for going into a relationship". There were a couple of answers all along the same lines, one I remember fairly clearly was by Emma who said, no as YITS does tend to blow your brain full of questions and you're left with a lot to sort out. I understand fully that she meant temporarily - and it's not a good idea to go into a relationship coming straight out of the year for the same reason they don't recommend it during the period. To be alternative and quite to my surprise I put a yes answer to the question, in that the year had better prepared me for closer/more honest/open relationships. Honestly I hadn't thought of it previously at all and was quite surprised when the thought formulated itself into words that inisted on being spoken. So in talking about this, I pointed out that I keep getting the sneaking suspicion that God is pushing me closer towards that kind of relationship. Stepping back to look at the bigger picture though, it would be fairly concerning (to those of us wanting one day to get married) to not be growing further towards a position where a relationship would be... ah what word do I use here? Appropriate? Good? Right? Simply, we are all growing as individuals and we cannot but help be in a better place for a relationship as we grow/mature etc. I'm sure there are occasionally disturbances to the rule. The curious thing about so called 'late marriages' which tend to happen far more often apparently (Don't know what it is with so many of my friends getting engaged) in the western world is that by the time one thirty plus year old marries the other they are extremely distinct individuals. I see nothing wrong with this, but there is a slight pro-young marriage argument there which is surprising as it is usually the other way around. The young couple does more of their growing/learning together. Which in this period of history could be fairly disasterous as divorce is a far easier option than it used to be and so people have less weight on the 'trying to work through things'. /tangent In my mentioning of wanting a Mr. Right I am pointing towards the bigger picture of my life. I have... actually I can't say that. Was going to say, I have no idea of when that might be. Because of something I believe God told me about quite a few years ago now - however I'm hold anything like that extremely losely. I am certainly not talking about within the next year in putting a Mr. Right on my 'want' list on some quiz. Yes it is a desire of mine to one day be married. Where does this desire come from? Easy answer would be, "Ha, I haven't a clue, how can you explain something like that? Does want have a source?" I am not obsessive about it. I don't think about it ALL the time. I don't line up my male friends in my head wondering who might be appropriate. I do my best not to mind flirt with relationships that could work. You could blame my reserved, analytical, make no mistake personality. Or simply call it common sense. A lot of desire I think comes from what - for the sake of a Christian cliche - I'll call our sinful nature. You can't help but wonder how much it falls back to the 'curse'. Eve's consequences:

To the woman he said, "I will greatly increase your pains in childbearing; with pain you will give birth to children. Your desire will be for your husband,and he will rule over you." - Gen 3:16

Tracking back to some insight from A Road Less Travelled M.Scott Peck defines love as, "The desire to extend oneself for the welfare or "spiritual" growth of another." The position of being in that kind of relationship essentially doesn't have a lot to do with what you get out of it. It has pretty much nothing really, it's all about the other individual. And no I'm not saying I don't want to have romance because that would be a beyond huge lie. Which brings up another question, does desire have anything to do with love? Or is it as Tim Hein said, simply (in it's most basic form) a way to 'trap us into marriage' where the real love grows. Saying that exculsively is probably a slight exaggeration but I'd like to throw up all ideas into the air. Essentially marriage is a gift for this lifetime (I have absolutely no idea where there's a reference to that but I think there is somewhere) and not present in heaven, not as we know it. Heaven is where marriage takes a totally new/fuller picture - and the 'bride of Christ' references probably expand exponentially. Can you talk from a position of want and desire when marriage is a gift? I was trepassing some links (thanks to Google and numerous searches and trailing) and came across this quote by the author of The Dark Night of the Soul (which I haven't read yet):

"In our society, we have come to believe that discomfort always means something is wrong. We are conditioned to believe that feelings of distress, pain, deprivation, yearning, and longing mean something is wrong with the way we are living our lives.Conversely, we are convinced that a rightly lived life must give us serenity, completion, and fulfillment. Comfort means "right" and distress means "wrong." The influence of such convictions is stifling to the human spirit. Individually and collectively, we must somehow recover the truth. The truth is, we were never meant to be completely satisfied." - Gerald May

There is the throw back to desire as a core part of our 'sinful nature', but there is also this relational hard wiring that comes from being created by a trinitarian and relational God. Ephesians talks a fair bit about love,

"Therefore, be imitators of God as beloved children; and walk in love, just as Christ also loved you, and gave Himself up for us, an offering and a sacrifice to God as a fragrant aroma." Eph. 5:1-2 "Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her to make her holy, cleansing her by the washing with water through the word, and to present her to himself as a radiant church, without stain or wrinkle or any other blemish, but holy and blameless. In this same way, husbands ought to love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. After all, no one ever hated his own body, but he feeds and cares for it, just as Christ does the church— for we are members of his body. "For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh."This is a profound mystery—but I am talking about Christ and the church. However, each one of you also must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband." -Eph. 5:25-33

Significantly in relation to Christ and the church. The bride metaphor for the church with Jesus as the bridegroom is profound in speaking of a relational God. What amuses me most is the very short mention of mystery. Love is a mystery. Proverbs says it again:

"There are three things that are too amazing for me, four that I do not understand... and the way of a man with a maiden." -Prov 30:18-19

Should've just used that as my arguement to say, "I haven't a clue" ;) and left it all there! Lastly, and much to my relief I am reassured that marriage/relationship is a GOOD thing, not that I didn't know it, but God explictly says so. Hey look, he even created it! "The LORD God said, "It is not good for the man to be alone. I will make a helper suitable for him." - Gen 2:18 I could go on a billion and one tangents to point about that man was not 'alone' so to speak, God was there. Something else however was needed. Whala! A woman. To be desperately honest. I personally think we all side far more with the first (sinful nature) side of desire. Whereby we are self fulfilling and attempt to meet our own needs by having that significant other in our life, deciding that all our problems will be solved after marrying the person of our dreams, we will no longer be alone or lonely, lost, unappreciated, unnoticed, unaffirmed, unloved and we get to have a warm happy content feeling as an added bonus! We ALL want love in some way shape or form. I do not think that to desire marriage or love is wrong but carefully asessing motives and our position in life for whether marriage is a suitable option is important. Love afterall is, "patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails." - 1 Cor 13:4-8 Why I want a relationship like marriage? I don't want to do life alone, however, a good proportion, infact most of life will always be done alone. I am distinctly individual - no one's going to change that regardless of where they fit in my life. As my family, my friend or my husband. Hebrews 10 talks about spuring one another on. We weren't created to be alone. If we are married or even if we stay single the rest of our lives there should always be those around to be with, to 'do life' together. I should and hopefully am making it my absolute priority to purse 'intimacy' with God as he's the only who can truly walk this life with me, but another to share and to parallel journey with me would have to be one of the best things in the world. And that Tony, is why I want.

Something New

In a short half hour I shall be on my way to Deakin. First day at uni! In hindsight I am incredibally glad I took that 'year off' before throwing myself into all of this. It's one more year to grow up a bit. One more year to find your feet. Aside from that, it gives you the distinct advantage of being just a fraction older than many of those school leavers - I personally think it's all in my head, but Rebecca + control, makes stability of new situation easier. I would try to explain where the age thing comes in but I think I'd fail. Whatever the case, that handle on things (even if I do look no older, probably younger) is appreciated. I have one lecture today. That is it. One short hour and a bit of waiting around for Jess's (W) class to finish before I find my way home again. Jiggety Jig. Had a celebratory big breakfast, scrambled eggs on the last two bits of toast I could find. One was a crust :( and no bacon. Braved the instant as I wanted some coffee, should've walked my dog as I had loads of time but didn't. Mug shot a photo for a new concession card as I couldn't find any suitable and need to find somewhere to get that printed really soon, as we downgraded to a black and white lazer some time ago and can no longer can print in colour. I am NOT paying $6.95 for a photo booth photo when you can get one done at any old place for 30 cents or less. Then I guess I have to find someone around Deakin to stamp across my face before I am valid again. Ha. Invalid. How curiously GATTACA. The weather is a most excellent Melbourne 23 degrees and it shall hopefully be an enjoyable day. I shall be curious to see how stressed Jess is (probably a fair bit) and I hope Sam, that all goes well for you. I am not in the slightest bit freaked out and rather looking forward to it all. Perhaps too much moving and change does have it's pay offs. I am beyond ready for something new.

Today

What a fine day. Had to sit through a far too long John Wimber (some guy who started some Vineyard stuff) testimony video. Thankfully it was quite funny although I tried hard to find a point why they'd pick the 'cafe style' Sunday to show it on. Got a few bits and pieces out of it as well as a donut and a cappuchino. Young Adults social thing after church. Had lunch out in the back room. Sat around talking to Dan and Cam first then to Andrew and Ross. Andy and Ross are a recently married couple only fractionally older than me. Personally think they are both fantastic. Ross is a personal carer in disability, Andy is third year accounting - his brother also turns out to be Ambassador (from gush) weird. Drove home with Dan and Cam. Cam driving his Holden Premier (old, loud with a horn incredibally more so). He floored it at one stage. I do value my life sometimes. They ended up staying all afternoon. Dan did my dishes despite protesting (he can come anytime! :P bring it on!) which was very nice, Cam just watched lazy bum. Was a good afternoon really. Went to my grandparents place for dinner. Tried on Grandma's wedding dress which is nothing short of amazing and right back in style. It fit! Bit tight for breathing haha. Needs a restoration and a half due to discolouring. The trains a bit long. But if we ever want to wear it for our wedding we have free liscence. Worth thinking about :P Sorry tony you'll just have to wait, head can't think more tonight. Post is coming, don't think it's going to be fantastic but it'll be an answer to that question somewhat I hope.

the world of state - status anxiety - status quo - status nil

Today I have been confronted by lives of those I know. One is getting counselling. One is afraid/anxious. One is alone. One is depressed. Each of those 'ones' I'm sure I could turn mathematical, because I know from observation that 1 = 2. Too many apathetic, Too many afraid Too many alone Too many depressed Too many stuck "Such is life" is a sucky statement. And on that fine note I'll go to bed. (post you've been waiting for Anthony is coming, it's sitting unfinished as yet in draft form)

And Down Came the Rain

I did some serious bookshelf hunting with Dad early this-morning. There are books beginning to pile up on my floor which is fairly scary as it shows I'm becoming more like mum. No such luck as the size we were after only came in a Colonial style - which is about double the price (even for a Bargain Centre that makes furniture by the truck load) and besides, it looks decidedly ugly. I need something boring plain, and as big as can fit in my not very big bedroom. Checked out some cars on the way back, no such luck. I got dropped at Bayswater station - not my usual line and managed to get the next train to Flinders fairly quickly. I was early. Sammy (of the Airways or Smedley variety) rocked up when she was supposed to. This having all been arranged around 11:30pm last night, she coming all the way from Bendigo. Burkie was 20 minutes late and in our wandering we let him have another few waiting on the steps under the clock. Trammed it down to St.Kilda area and watched this magnificent storm move in from the bay. The clouds were the blue of the wall in my room and angry and powerful and beautiful. Burkie's face was attached to his camera and if he puts any up on flickr I might just provide a link (which will go right here if he does, give me a yell if that link is not okay Burks). The rain came and we made a run for Luna Park and stood in the doorway out of the wet, that however didn't help much and so we pulled another runner to the McDonalds and watched as the rest of the world splashed around, came up the stairs laughing and held count downs to move from location to location. Jess and Belle met us there shortly after, the rain temporarily slowed. We found a very nice cafe somewhere along some street - oh how observant I am. Sat for a good while with our coffee and cameras, of which I was poorly the odd one out and talked. We eventually went back to Luna Park to see if we could find an open roller coaster for Belle. No such luck, instead found another down-pour or three, one next to a baloon popping prize stand and the other again in the doorway. Burkie attempted to hail a taxi, standing in the pouring rain with no shoes and finally got one after the fourth or so try. Sammy, Burks and I left Jess and Belle, who got picked up a moment later and we made our way to Burkie's 'apartment/flat/house/thing' whereby he drove us back into the city. Sammy's train was at 6pm so I decided to wait around with her. We plunked ourselves in Gloria Jeans. She hit the coffee again and I decided to attempt their Chai Tea which was far too sweet and gave me a headache. We talked solidly for almost two hours, sussed out what her train was doing and parted around a quarter to six. My train was meant to leave Spencer, sorry - Southern Cross by 5:53pm. No such luck as it always is with me and Connex so it was the 6:13 Belgrave train. I get to Ringwood. Lilydale passengers are refused board to the Lilydale line train and I watch as this guy is ranting around inside the end carriage and smashing his head against the window several times. The driver and other staff are standing outside, the PA gives systematic, "Do not board the train" - you couldn't anyway, the doors were barred shut. I was fairly cold and I found company in the rest of the bored, curious, underdressed for the weather passengers waited and waited and waited. Two policemen eventually came down the ramp and entered through the drivers end. The guy, who was fairly young, extremely drunk, hardly able to walk and was led off between the policemen. Here's to excitement and train delays of a shapes. There was some confusion over which train to board as the PA said one thing and the crowd said another, but we all ended up on the train that had been closed and not what the station told us which turned out to be correct. I got home 1hr and 40minutes after I left, which is about 45 minutes longer than the train is meant to take. By that stage I had a full blown headache, I was out of water but did satisfactorily finish the last page of my book the moment we pulled into the station. I like timing like that. Home. The crickets were ricocheting noise between my ears creating this horrible accompaniment to the pain in my head. A shower cured most of the headache, but not before dinner and blahing an explanation about why things too so long. A long day, but a good day if I can exclude the spat with Connex. I'd do it all again.

Why pray?

While hunting for stuff to compliment the blog I'm currently writing, I came across this about prayer - which is pertinent to that time a while ago when I was throwing up ideas around 'why pray for future spouse'. Ha, this blog is turning into Rebecca nutting out the whole relationship thing, sorry. The rest of the post can be found on Carolyn McCulley's blog if you'd like a fuller read.

1) Prayer is an acknowledgment of our dependence and helplessness before God. Whether we are aware of it or not, we are always helpless. At times, God allows us to see that dependence. 2) Prayer acknowledges God's power to answer our prayers. But His answer is not dependent upon us cranking up our own faith. Conversely, we often limit our faith due to how we understand God might be able to answer that prayer. We should never forget that it was God Himself who asked Sarah, "Is there anything too hard for the Lord?" This is reinforced to Mary when the angel says, "Nothing is impossible for God." God can answer our prayers in two ways--through a miracle or through His providential ordering of our circumstances. So when we pray, we're saying that though we don't know how He will choose to work, God still has the power to answer our prayers. Or else it would be pointless to pray. 3) The third reason to pray is that God will be thanked when He answers our prayers. Though God does not need a certain number of people praying, when a group does pray there are many more who can thank Him for the answer. So why pray? So that God will be glorified.

Thoughts?

Recap

Yesterday. Caught the bus to work. Reinhard (acidoz) got on a bit further down the road so we chatted about uni stuff most of the way. Tonight on msn he said I 'looked different' but I as I was too busy he wouldn't explain why. Talk about frustrating! Why do people keep saying I look different?! Worked a four hour shift. It was a fairly average kind of day with an annoying customer asking about cookbooks en masse, only published in India and no real idea of which few she actually wanted. Mel (manager) had a chat with me about some work stuff and I finally go my own code for computers. Now just need one for gift-card nonsense. Highlight of the afternoon was when I was on my break waiting in line to grab something to eat as I underestimated how hungry I'd be. The little girl who was probably about three in the pram infront of me me was yelling heartly - the annoyed kind of yelling (Mother not paying any attention) I looked at her and I suppose smiled. She shutup just like that and gave me this almighty grin. I took advantage of the card Cotton On left at Dymocks for 30% off and went and had a look. Came out with new grey jacket (anyone who's been around me long enough knows I've worn the same one for about three years now with relative consitency - and yes I do own other clothes, it just matches a lot), a jumper and long-sleeved top. I justified it all in that I was thinking ahead to when Melbourne weather decides to go nasty - that, and most of the warm clothing I own is really not wearable... why do things always have to stretch? get wrecked? or...? I picked up those jeans Emily and I have been waiting for, so with some odd stationary bits and pieces I got from Big W which I realised I might actually need come Monday my arms were screaming uncomfortable. Two pairs of jeans aren't so light. Realised I might have left Sam hanging a bit. So I called her and said I'd let her know when I was nearly there so she could meet me without me having to walk down. I got the train and then the bus which nicely conincided time-wise. Got off the bus at top of my road. Sam and I walked to Morrisons (with her kindly taking a bag off me). Had some 'afternoon tea' and talked but didn't really talk. I had to get home as Jess was picking me up and Sam needed the post office for stamps. Jess calls me again and says she's coming 'right now'. I let mum know I wasn't going to be around for dinner, which was met with a bit of grumbling. She wouldn't have cooked any less and I know it well. So we spent the evening at La Porchetta's with Deakin CU (Christian Union) people. We are really just 'taste testing' what kind of groups there are. Socially I would like something, but if it comes to handing out tracts etc. I refuse to participate as I disagree heartily with that way of doing things. I might get involved in some of their stuff but shall treat thing warily. Christian worlds are so small. Kaite, I met Lachlan - who apparently knows you (doing Commerce) through St. Hils. Yulande who was sitting opposite me turns out to be a Tassie girl (also Commerce) but a dutch reformed all the same and somehow knows Rebecca VanL. and Jess's Grandparents- She was really cool, mature, wouldn't mind getting to know her better. Steph and Shirley (or at least just Steph) know Dave and co. from Crossway and then a girl comes up to me (Heidi) and thinks she knows my face from somewhere. I work out she is going out with Wes Franklin - Wycliffe people who I know and went to primary school with, and her Dad taught at MECS last year. Oh yes, and there was the girl Chris someone who knows Burkie. Quite funny. Some great people there. I had an excellent night. It's like my depletion of social whatevers have exploded over the past three days into everything at once. I've been given this break, this room to breathe and some enthusiasm. A reminder to me of God taking care of things, big weight/pressure off me and a smoother transition to changing things than I could've hoped for. Why do I always forget? I am genuinely looking forward to what this year holds. I feel a lot more free at the moment to be Rebecca, who ever she happens to be :)

Mega

If you have a spare moment Have a read of this interesting thing First though, click on the first link in the blog text - have a laugh and then sit back and be disturbed at how close to the truth it is. Do read that blog on it though. proper blog or few tomorrow.

Happy Birthday Washington

You could try to rub the smile of my face but it's drawn in pen not pencil. Tonight, I went along to YVV young adults thing. It was fantastic! Peter Downes (pastor) did some stuff - felt like the first doctrine class at Tabor (hehe) all over again but more relaxed in some ways. Something I re-covered was the fact of how sin estranged all the 'righteousness, intimacy...' and how when Jesus came it was the answer, the way of pushing that back into the realm of possibility. Being renewed. He prayed at the end about closeness in relationship to God. Which has what has been 'my issue' - if you so care to put it that way, recently if not ongoing. Oh how I've needed to hear something about this. Good talking to people - was not uncomfortable at all really. I guess the best thing about it is that a lot of the young adults (at least 80%) are newish. I was surprised at the male/female ratio though, it's roughly equal if not more guys - don't churches usually work the other way around? Went to Macca's after for coffee etc. and to hang out. Had a good chat with Susannah. Met a guy called Ryan who is non YVV'er but after a young adults thing. Arranged stuff with Jess and Dan and Cam (who was oblivious to it all) for next 'experiment' thingo. Going to cook some stuff or something for church (they freeze meals as get people needing them through the week) so, decided that might be a worthwhile use of our time. Should get a "time and availability" email sooner or later. Ah... things are good. I went outside when I got home as I had to feed the dog. I stood in the middle of the backyard and looked up for a long time at this vast expanse of sky. So clear. Silly, but it was like the milkyway stretched exactly over where I was standing for my enjoyment. God of Wonders song - which some of you might know a little of my temporary uncomfortableness with, refound itself into some relevance. So many stars. I looked for a shooting one as you can apparently see them if you watch the same place for long enough, no such luck. It hardly needed more adornment. I came back inside and had a much better/intentional talk to God than I've had in a long while.

Psalm 19 For the director of music. A psalm of David. 1 The heavens declare the glory of God; the skies proclaim the work of his hands. 2 Day after day they pour forth speech; night after night they display knowledge. 3 There is no speech or language where their voice is not heard. 4 Their voice goes out into all the earth, their words to the ends of the world. In the heavens he has pitched a tent for the sun, 5 which is like a bridegroom coming forth from his pavilion, like a champion rejoicing to run his course. 6 It rises at one end of the heavens and makes its circuit to the other; nothing is hidden from its heat. 7 The law of the LORD is perfect, reviving the soul. The statutes of the LORD are trustworthy, making wise the simple. 8 The precepts of the LORD are right, giving joy to the heart. The commands of the LORD are radiant, giving light to the eyes. 9 The fear of the LORD is pure, enduring forever. The ordinances of the LORD are sure and altogether righteous. 10 They are more precious than gold, than much pure gold; they are sweeter than honey, than honey from the comb. 11 By them is your servant warned; in keeping them there is great reward. 12 Who can discern his errors? Forgive my hidden faults. 13 Keep your servant also from willful sins; may they not rule over me. Then will I be blameless, innocent of great transgression. 14 May the words of my mouth and the meditation of my heart be pleasing in your sight, O LORD, my Rock and my Redeemer.

Impressionist

I was finishing up dishes from what I've dubbed the stinky pasta meal - it was seriously not nice, I hope Mum doesn't make it again, maybe I should've said something, and Laura comes out and starts asking me to watch some medical show on TV with her at 10pm. I said, "Um, maybe no" and she did one of her mock crankies and stamped around tantrum like, "Why do you have to be so self disciplined!" It was quite funny (Had my head in the fridge by then) and was laughing at her. That same head, slowed down by the scientifics of anti-heat induced royalty (google: toast king now) is saying, haha yeah right, you'll go in your room Bec and waste those hours on msn, blogging or doing other such things. It was however a strange thing to hear come out of my sisters mouth. She is perhaps more observant than I thought. Its quite strange the impressions you slowly gather of yourself. I honestly don't really know how I come across to people. (Subtle hint for you to tell me sometime) Several situations lately have entirely surprised me. The other night when I was with the Jess's (not Jess Rae) I felt old. Okay it's not hard really to feel mature around them as well... but I felt totally alien from them and three billion times more at home when Jess and Belle showed up, despite knowing Jess C reasonably well. It's brilliant to hang around people your age (maturity/mentally). That sounds really quite nasty and I don't intend it to, hope you slightly understand what I'm getting at. How miss being challenged, made to think by someone other than myself or some text I read somewhere. As to self impression I guess it was this shot of, "Wow maybe Bec (laugh here) is quite competent of doing the whole adult thing." I have often set myself up, been set up to be this introverted, shy blah etc. who has trouble saying anything when I have nothing to say which is a lot of the time as part of me doesn't understand the phenomenon of small talk. There are certain situations where I totally do not care. This has got a lot to do with control, I'm fairly sure of it. So at uni next week I do not think I will find it too much of a hassle socially. Sure I'll probably get the new blues once or twice, but everyone else is on this same footing. I introduced myself with very minimal qualms today to a girl doing *BIM didn't have much time, but yeah it was fine. Thats not to say some people aren't more intimidating than others. But contrast that with church stuff where there established understandings of who is friends with whom (so it seems) I slide into my box where I can critique in my own brain and find it SO much effort to do the, "Hi, I don't know you, you don't know me." thing. I really really like the feel of uni. ;) ask me that again in a couple of weeks when I start having to do work. I think sometimes I'm quite strange. There's a huge quirk streak in me, that comes out particularly when I'm alone (and probably when I'm around other people). I was in the backyard after walking Job and see this bit of wood that looks like giraffe legs, I snapped it and made it have a head which was a bit too long so it morphed into this Crocodile with a giraffe neck and legs. I amuse myself far too easily. After that I dropped it on the ground and it broke. It's almost 10pm now, I might go watch with Laura afterall, then again... *Bachelor of Interactive Media shall now be refered to as BIM as it saves a fair bit of finger usage and they call it that anyway. Bec the BIM student... might take off. Hannah dubbed me, "She of the glasses" the other day. I've always come to the conclusion that nicknames need to be shorter than your actual name for them to ever take off properly. Rebecca is good but Bec is easier.

Meh quiz

Well I'm in a grumpy mood from having rather yuck dinner and Hannah doing her best to talk over me (she got yelled at... not so much by me!) and I've got the "I've been out far too long today" feeling or something then see blogline has a record 61 entries listed. Most of which turn out to be things I've seen before - stupid Bloglines. I also find a quiz on Anthony's blog so to suit the 'meh' mood I'll do another quiz. 1. Honestly, are you happy right now? no I just said I'm a grump. But uni made me happy today and I'm starting to get minorly excited about it all. 2. Honestly, what color is your underwear? uh... aqua 3. Honestly, whats on your mind right now? why should I say my underwear colour online how stupid. *Got to walk the dog. 4. Honestly, what are you doing right now? writing a blog thinking about shower and other stuff to do... oh dear that's the dog I forgot to walk him again. guess I'd better go do that* (*see above) 5. Honestly, what did you do today? Uni day Oweek. Wasted so much time in so many ways. Saw Syriana with Jess. 6. Honestly, do you think you are attractive? Sometimes I'm alright. 7. Honestly, have you done something bad today? Does not pay for a parking ticket count? (we didn't get caught) 8. Honestly, do you watch disney channel? yeah right. pay TV in my house! 9. Honestly, are you jealous of someone right now? No 10. Honestly, what makes you happy most of the time? People, strange movies that make me think, little things that I notice (and take my fancy) most that others don't observe, a good book, deep conversations that aren't around someone's messed up life or problems (although they can be good). 11. Honestly, do you bite your nails? Yes. 12. Honestly, what is your mood right now? grumpy/lazy I don't want to walk the dog but I feel sorry for him so I probably will. 13. Honestly, have you had an eating disorder? No 14. Honestly, do you want to see someone this very minute? No actualy sleep would be nice, alone time would be nice right about now. 15. Honestly, do you have a deep dark secret? dont't think so 16. Honestly, do you hate someone right now? No 17. Honestly, who/what do you want to hug right now? Not currently in a huggy mood, if so It'd have to be a passive one as I haven't got a lot of energy - that a cop out? 18. Honestly, are you loyal? Yes 19. Honestly are you in denial? No no! 20. Honestly, wouldn't you rather be having sex right now? Considering I'm not in a huggy mood, or a people mood right now... 21. Honestly, have you ever consumed alcohol? yes 22. Honestly, do you like someone? Lots of people. and as to the 'thats not an answer' it is: I don't know. 23. Honestly, does anyone like you? Maybe. I can't read minds. 24. Honestly, is it going anywhere with them? Who's them? Let me know and I might let you know. 25. Honestly, did you answer all these questions honestly? yes LAST 1. Person that slept in bed beside you? Ummmm in another bed, but sam I think, when were were camping 2. Saw you cry? Usually only God. Otherwise probably midyear camp then that would've been the majority of yitsers. Definitely cried since then though. 4. You went to the mall with? Jess W 5. You went out to dinner with? Jess W 6. You talked on the phone? Laura ("I'll be home by 6ish") 7. Broke your heart? N/A 8. Made you laugh? Jess W WOULD YOU RATHER? 1. Pierce your nose or tongue? nose - had the thought to the other week but haven't gone with it yet. 2. Be serious or be funny? Both. Funny would be handy sometimes as I'm far more serious 3. Drink whole or skim milk? whole. skim milk is white water. Light milk is fine, but skim is DISGUSTING 4. Die in a fire or drown? fire 5. Spend time with your parents or enemies? parentals ARE YOU? 1. Simple or complicated? Complicated 2. Gay? no 3. Hardcore? Nah DOYOUPREFER? 1. Flowers or candy? Flowers (unless candy uncludes things like Ferro Rochers or the white ones then it becomes a HARD choice) 2. Gray or black? Black 3. Color or Black and white photos? both 5. Sunrise or sunset? if I saw the whole sunrise from a clear/beautiful spot, then that. 6. M&Ms or Skittles? M&M's and Red/Orange skittles 8. Staying up late or waking up early? Late ANSWER TRUTH FULLY!! 1. Do you like anyone? I do not know, which basically means No. 2. Do they know it? *see above DOYOUPREFER? 1. Sun or moon? Moon 2. Winter or Autumn? Autumn, the birthday month, besides temperature is warmer and you get fantastic colours 3. Left or right? right 4. 10 acquaintances or having two best friends? 9 acquaintances and 1 best friend 5. Sun or rain? Rain (but not always) 6. Vanilla ice cream or chocolate ice cream? chocolate all the way, unless with desert stuff... bring on gelati I mean really what kind of choice is that? 7. Boys or girls? Boys ABOUTYOU! 1. What time is it? 6:43pm "woof woof walk me bec please walk me!" 2. Name? Rebecca Claire B 3. Nickname(s): Bec, Bee, Becca/Becky (thanks' lovelys), B___ (last name) 4. Where were you born? Kew 5. What is your birthdate? 4-4-86 6. What do you want? God, Mr. Right, Sleep, No work tomorrow, A car, Photoshop... 7. Where do you want to live? UNIQUE! 1. Nervous Habits? biting nails, fiddling with things like cups (but thats more a boredom/thinking habit), playing w/ hair or shoulder.... I think I just have habits not all nervous ones. 2. Are you double jointed? my tongue 3. Can you roll your tongue? yes 4. Can you raise one eyebrow? no 5. Can you cross your eyes? Yes 6. Do you make your bed daily? this question sounds familiar. If I have time. 1. Which shoe goes on first? Whichever I find first 2. Ever thrown something at someone? Yeah 3. On average how much money do you carry with you? $40-$60 4. What jewelry do you wear? Earings ODDS? 1. Do you twirl your spaghetti or cut it? hmmm. cut probably 2. Have you ever eaten Spam? Yes. In the Solomons you call it MahLing. It's actually really good fried. 3. Favourite ice cream: pink grapefruit gelati - rare and far between, otherwise, Pistachio is pretty good. 4. How many kinds of cereal are in your cabinet? a few kinds, I don't really eat it though too many off milk experiences 5. What's your favourite beverage? Orange Juice WITH pulp, Coffee 7. Do you cook? Sometimes. I get bagged everytime I do. but I can actually cook not too badly when I'm in an attention paying frame of mind. ---10 Firsts--- First Best Friend:: hmm. Lucy Rentz First Screenname:: Bee First Pet Name:: um Punky/Terminator (both guinea pigs) First Piercing:: one of my ears First Crush:: honestly don't know. probably Cory the little kid I hung out with one of the primary schools I went to. First CD: oooh um. something by Michelle Tumes I think - how embarassing, I bet I have it somewhere First School:: Kangaroo Ground Primary School First House Location:: A flat at BCV (Bible College Victoria), Honiara, Solomon Islands (that we owned) First Kiss:: Ask me when I'm old and grey. Hasn't yet happened. First Car:: Soon ---9 Lasts--- Last Time You Smoked:: not smoked. Smoking is disgusting I am vocal about it and make the point of moving if someone comes in the train having just smoked. Last Food You Ate:: disgusting meat stuff. bit of last nights salad was dinner's redeeming feature :S Last Car Ride:: with Jess W Last Movie You Watched:: Syriana Last Phone Call:: I just said that! Home. Last CD You Listened To:: Um. believe it or not, the Bride and Prejudice sound track. It nearly drove me insane but as Jess was driving, it was her right. Gag Gag Gag to Bollywood music. Last Bubble Bath You Took:: quite a while ago now, might tonight though... hmm better walk that dog. Last Song You Listened To:: some Sixpence something sibling had on at home. I turned it off. Last Words You Said:: Probably 'Quiet!' to that dog of mine :) lovely Job. --8 Have-You-Evers--- Dated A Best Friend:: Dated? What's that? Been Arrested:: I bet I have playing dressups when I was younger. Been On TV:: um. no Eaten Sushi:: tried it once upon a time Cheated On Your B/F or G/F:: which one :P Been On A Blind Date:: No Been Out Of The Country:: Yes Been In Love:: dont' think so ---7 Things You Are Wearing--- 1:: Jeans 2:: singlet top 3:: Blue tshirt thing 4:: underwear 5:: bra 6:: earings 7:: deodarant (probably all gone now :P) hooray made it to 7! ---6 Things You've Done Today--- 1:: Got free breakfast 2:: Library 'tour' waste of time 3:: Intro Lecture for multiple subjects, waste of time 4:: Bought a textbook 5:: Saw a movie - Syriana 6:: Wandered aimlessly around Knox for a while ---5 Favourite Things (not in any order)--- 1:: People 2:: Internet/Gush/Blogger/Msn (love hate relationship with msn) 3:: Lenses ie: Camera and glasses (glasses help me see) 4:: Books 5:: God ---People You Most Trust (in no order)--- Family (I suppose) God - but he probably doesn't count so much as a person Certain friends Myself ---2 Choices--- Vanilla or Chocolate:: chocolate Hugs or Kisses:: bit hard to differentiate when you haven't had the 'kiss' thing. But I'm guessing hugs - from what I hear :P --1 Person You Want To See Right Now--- 1:: No one thanks. Now is people free zone.

Two days

A full two days. Yesterday evening was spent on a train into the city. Waiting at Flinders for a Broadmeadows train, I was infront of a bin. Fairly busy platform. Older guy comes past looks at me. Creep. I go up to see if I can find juice. None. I come back down where I was before. He comes and puts something in the bin (I had to move) mumbles something. Me with headphones in double checks with raised eyebrows or half a question. I get a smile and a yeh/nod. Still a creep. He gets on the Upwey train. I don't. Connex pulls a hat trick on me and the 6:29 disappears from the screen. So I get annoyed and am ready to sit around 'being late' when I hear an announcement and have to move to the other platform where the 6:29 now is. I get to Essendon on time. Jess C and her friend Jess. Get off. Same carriage but I didn't notice as I was facing reverse and the seats of trains that side of the city are super high. Jess's friend is a lot younger. I feel very old. She talks so much you cannot get a word in without interupting. I see Tracey and Jono and Chels and some of the others as soon as we get there. I knew they might be but this unexpected pleasure filled me up. Its good to see familiar faces when you've been 'estranged' from them for so long. Talked with them for a bit. Paul was up the end dealing with powerpoint stuff with Age so figured I wouldn't bother him. Sat with the Jess's again. Jess (Rae) and Belle suddenly appear at might right. Jess is shorter than I thought she'd be. Belle is just very short :P I like them both immensely, and I'm not just saying that Jess because you read this. We moved to where there was more room and did the whole 'how are you finding Melbourne' thing and whatever conversation that followed. Service was good. Except for when they kindly played the God of Wonders song. Which screws with my insides and was even worse because Age was 'leading' - too many memories of association with it being sung heaps and heaps right around the time all the church stuff errupted. Sometimes you have absolutely no control over feelings that just seem to rise up from your gut. I hate it. It took effort and more than I like to admit to suppress them. I've heard Age's story quite a few times now. Still parts of it I needed to hear. During the later part it was just really good to realise how good God has been to me this past year. Spent some time after getting a hamburger/sausage with Jess and Belinda. Some laughing done. It was as comfortable as you can sort of expect a first meeting someone in a 'strange' (now less so) place. It was really pretty good. For the record (*cough* Burkie): Jess told me I wasn't as quiet as she expected, I was actually quite chatty. READ THAT AGAIN. feel free to clarify it with her. Inside again. Spoke more to J and B and Travis and Paul. Said goodbye about 10:30ish. Paul kindly drove me all the way home. Was good. I did not read Jess V's message properly. Alarm goes at 7:30. I stay in bed as late as I think. I get out of bed. Two minutes later she was there. Did not have time to wake up properly. She was cranky at me. Decided we couldn't make breakfast at Deakin so stopped at McDonalds. Ran into Nathan (yits). Sat in Macca's for about an hour talking and catching up with Nathan. Deakin. Badly signed. Marquees. Various mixups over tours etc which left way too early. Meh to them. Ran into Mark (yits). Got various brouchures/bag etc... Jess was impressed at the no free condoms. She could go down to 'student life' and get them there ;) hah. Ran into Mark again standing next to a bin and systematically going through his Oweek bag pulling out junk and dumping it in the bin. Signed up for Library tour thingo tomorrow. Went to the Arts Faculty session which was quite good. Then went back to Jess's detouring via Knox so Jess could figure out work stuff and then VideoEzy to get a no-brainer chick flick that we hadn't seen. Figured the worst we could do was Wimbeldon, so we got that. Home. Tonight I just about hit the roof when Hannah and Em make insistent comments whenever I cook 'ooh don't burn it' etc. etc. etc. Really gets to me. Thinking about other stuff. God throws one verse at me via partial memory (which I look up later) and one at me through reading something. Then a conversation with a friend. Had to challenge her on a few things. Responsibility for own life and the balance of advice as a friend is a curious thing. Snapped at someone when they interuppted my 'busy - please do not interupt' and had to appologise later. I am tired. Tomorrow has another early start.

Hey?

To him who is able to keep you from falling and to present you before his glorious presence without fault and with great joy— to the only God our Savior be glory, majesty, power and authority, through Jesus Christ our Lord, before all ages, now and forevermore! Amen. -Jude 1:24-25 "O our God, will you not judge them? For we have no power to face this vast army that is attacking us. We do not know what to do, but our eyes are upon you." - 2 Chronicles 20:12

Picture time

It's been quite a while since I've put any photos up and I've just about given up on throughfive (photoblog as it's too fiddly using blogger for such things). Anyway if you can either remember me mentioning various doings or reread some old posts then some of the following photos can roughly illustrate them. Alternatively if you didn't read or refuse to go back - well a photo tells a thousands words does it not? Jacqui's 20th at the Moobar. One of those rare places in a hole of a town that you suddenly discover in it's total antithesis of bogan'ness. LtoR: Jacqui, Laura, Melissa, Aydan, Chris, Jasmin, Jess D, Jess W, Natalie, Me, Analise. Did Yr.12... well Yr.10-12 with this lot and catch up with a few of them frequently and the rest of them occasionally. Thanks to Sam for taking the photo. Another thanks to Sam: Jess W, Nat and I. And in honor of Ana moving up to Wodonga (for uni) the rat bag. I made her sit still while I got a photo. Shall miss running in to her any given Sunday but she'll be back down for holidays and I got her well and truly hooked on gush before she left (esilana) so contact shall be maintained :P Some of the YITS'ers up on top of the tower at Mt. Donabuang. Sam, Emma, Tom and Rowan. And if this gives any indication of how high it is up there... I'm fairly sure it was Dave running around below. "That'll do pig."

We three rings

I'm right in the middle of posting another blog but !!!!!!!! Laura just came in informed me of the following three pieces of news: #1. Kate is engaged to Andy (I didn't even know they were going out!) - old small group leader #2. Tom is engaged to Ellie - Did kids club stuff with both #3. Carolyn is engaged to Chris. - Known the Adneys since we were little This is all a bit too much... (all from WPC found out through Amanda but still!) Haha. Wow.

Hear

I revisited my (proportionally) hardly full big black journal this evening, post a short conversation that I had last night around how I find it difficult to keep a 'prayer journal'. I kept one for quite some time in 2004. Had a bit of a think/rant about how I still often treat prayer like a wish list (unintentionally) or at least think of it that way - despite doing the communication thing with God and just don't call it prayer. I still however am far better and doing the my end thing and suck fairly well at listening. My journalling slid into more of a processing. After weighing up the differences and similarities of what I do now, I slid to finishing some scrawl and meeniemoed between reading more of Lost Women of the Bible or the Bible. I chose the Bible after considering the slight guilty feeling in that I always novels far more interesting and I really should put a little more effort into something that I do find enjoyable but find far more difficult to get motivated to read. Consideration was enhanced by the fact that the Bible is pretty much a means of communicion from God to us. Luke 11:14-28 After running through the whole: what can I learn about God through this etc... And a slight huh and brush aside of certain concepts, I hit the last few verses.

As Jesus was saying these things, a woman in the crowd called out, "Blessed is the mother who gave you birth and nursed you. "He replied, "Blessed rather are those who hear the word of God and obey it." (v.27-28)

So I started wandering my brain aka. analysing the: 'hear the word of God'. And how it's far easier to 'read the word of God'. I need a lesson in listening to God, for it seems that I don't leave much space for it. And so you get all these incidents of people in the Bible hearing quite literally from or just hearing God:

"Then the man and his wife heard the sound of the LORD God as he was walking in the garden in the cool of the day" - Gen 3:8 "And you said, "The LORD our God has shown us his glory and his majesty, and we have heard his voice from the fire. Today we have seen that a man can live even if God speaks with him." - Deut 5:24 ""Then he said: 'The God of our fathers has chosen you to know his will and to see the Righteous One and to hear words from his mouth. You will be his witness to all men of what you have seen and heard." - Acts 22:14-15 (to Saul)

And then you get the hearing from God through others,

" And we also thank God continually because, when you received the word of God, which you heard from us, you accepted it not as the word of men, but as it actually is, the word of God, which is at work in you who believe." - 1 Thess 2:13

Then hearing God often depicted as a whisper,

The LORD said, "Go out and stand on the mountain in the presence of the LORD, for the LORD is about to pass by." Then a great and powerful wind tore the mountains apart and shattered the rocks before the LORD, but the LORD was not in the wind. After the wind there was an earthquake, but the LORD was not in the earthquake. After the earthquake came a fire, but the LORD was not in the fire. And after the fire came a gentle whisper. When Elijah heard it, he pulled his cloak over his face and went out and stood at the mouth of the cave. - 1 Kings 19-11-13

This passage is actually quite facinating - if not confusing. The Lord is already talking to Elijah... and then he talks in third person about what is defined as the 'presence of the LORD' which as Elijah waits, comes in a whisper. This holds to a scale-like balance of what the heck is going on here? Is it something we are being shown early on about the Trinity? You'd think presence would run with God's word? If he was hearing from God, wouldn't there be God's presence uh, present? :\ confusing! and the verse Tilla gave me as parting, part (oh I'm sure doing well tonight!) of my letter. Although this is of Jesus talking to the disciples so a slightly different context.

What I tell you in the dark, speak in the daylight; What is whispered in your ear, proclaim from the roofs. -Matt 10:27

hmm not quite sure where I'm running with this blog... I guess when I was scanning blogger for verses and inspiration I was struck by how much of the 'listen, hear, heard' verses were about God listening to us. I am so grateful for his consitency, his faithfulness, his willingness to hear us out, and to really listen. Hearing is only part of listening. Listening is active, hearing is passive. Christianity is a religon, being a Christian is a relationship. Not exclusive. Jesus died for me yes, but he did that for the plural, the masses- not just the singular. So much alludes to this, the model of prayer given in (whichever of the gospels) is a, "give US... lead US not, deliver US"

Come and Listen David Crowder (based on Psalm 66:16) Come and listen, come to the water's edge, all you who know and fear the Lord. Come and listen, come to the water's edge all you who are thirsty, come. Let me tell you what He has done for me. Let me tell you what He has done for me, He has done for you, He has done for us. Come and listen, come and listen to what He's done. Praise our God for He is good. He has done for me, He has done for you, He has done for us.

This hearing thing goes far beyond the me to God, God to me relationship. God involves the whole of humanity, he involves creation. I/we need to be watching for how he is speaking and go beyond the exclusive act of listening and be as ready to help others hear. To do that, we have to first listen ourselves. This is what he has done. Is doing. Will do. Find that. Speak that. Live that. If I can take comfort in the fact that hearing to humans predominatly comes without effort... we are guided by our parents into more of an understanding of how to actually stop and intentionally listen to what we hear until we reach a maturity where by that becomes a choice we can make, that God will continue to do the same as he grows us and leads us forward. Our ears are part of our body, as are our minds. If God wishes to make something known he surely will. In human terms we can make people listen by raising our voice or physically turning thier head to make them look you in the face. We have the ability to hear but it's difficult to cultivate a good realtionship when direct force must be made for open communication. We can find God's presence, and hear him in something of great or small consequence, by grace and by choice and in waiting on him. We have ears and God has given us and is growing in us constantly the maturity to listen. Relationship never took no work. This is no different. You have to want to listen and chase that. Whatever that may mean.

Freudian slip

Today has been the day of disconnection of mind to tongue. Which roughly indicates the level of sleep I've been getting. Oh how I'm looking forward to waking up tomorrow afternoon instead of morning. I made three quite funny (aka embarassing, well it had Jo laughing her face off) freudian slips within about two hours. The definition of a freudian slip is: A verbal mistake that is thought to reveal an unconscious belief, thought, or emotion. I somehow don't think that my unconcious really cares too much about chair's in holes (rather than holes in chairs - really Katie, get some new ones! And yes I do like your house A LOT) but there was a curious line that came out of my mouth - which I said I'd blog about as my mind started ticking over as soon as I said it. I was talking about the questions asked on the YITS camp and how someone had asked about how doing the year was while in an non Christian family. Slip #1: "My Christian's aren't family." My jaw mightn't have done a visual drop but it certainly did a mental one. I would have simply laughed it of and not thought much about it except that I have been thinking a bit about pyschology type things as I've been reading A Road Less Travelled. Thought needs to be continued on this one, but in the meantime the dog will soon start crying for a walk so I'd better beat him to the complaints.

Nohari Window

Whooo hoo! Come on be HONEST! go here to the Nohari window and click away... see what's happening here Be as brutal as you like, but be true about it :) and do leave your name. I'm none too impressed at all the anon's and nameless on the other. Much thanks

Strong

Inspiration! Want a story of prostitution and deception, abuse and judgement and confrontation? Try: Tamar She is one of my more favourite female characters in that book that I should read more widely in as I tend to steer towards the nobrainers of pslams and the letters. So continues my occasional (limit self to ONE chapter a session when good) progression through Lost Women of the Bible by Carolyn Custis James. I've read about Tamar before in that Francine Rivers book... and so have been previously enlightened and inspired by her courage and strength. Oh yes, as Christian females - women, girls, tweenies you should be gentle quiet and submissive... WHY WHY WHY do they always quote those and leave off all those bits and pieces that calls for a bit of, "Woah, back up there _insert male name_ you might just be wrong this time". Gentle and submissive. Oh yes. That was Esther. Who just had to smile at Mr. "I choose if you live or not if you offend me" and then flat out tell him what to do. That was Tamar. Who had to de-wool Judah's eyes by something I wouldn't consider if you paid me (how ironic) to keep the honor of the family name - this same family that collectively abused her and dishonored her. That was Ruth. Who had to pull a hurry up on Boaz and 'fulfil' your duty, respect me (and Naomi), while having to act in a way that could have gone horribly wrong. While I am mentioning it Rebekah got to choose if she wanted to 'go with' (aka marry) Issac. How's that for respect of her judgement in a culture where arranged marriages, mainly minus consulation with the female, were the thing to do! I grappled with the whole strength and vulnerabilty and all that junk ages ago. It's very curious to see how it all fits together. There are many apologetics for the Timothy verses:

"A woman should learn in quietness and full submission. I do not permit a woman to teach or to have authority over a man; she must be silent." (1 Tim 2:11-12)

Of which I cannot honestly be bothered going into right now. These theories go both ways. Although a fuller contextual look at Jesus/God and how women fit into the Bible it points towards...

"So God created man in his own image, in the image of God he created him; male and female he created them." (Gen 1:27) "There is neither Jew nor Greek, slave nor free, male nor female, for you are all one in Christ Jesus. If you belong to Christ, then you are Abraham's seed, and heirs according to the promise." (Gal 3:28-29)

How can I be non-feminist and still say hooray for strong women? But for people willing to speak up and protect honor. Speaking the truth in love - in whatever that means, even if it is graphic confrontation. Well, here's to them. I want to be one of you.

Wish list

Working in a bookshop you don't intend to get sucked in by certain titles and you don't have much time to read blurbs, but a mental 'must get' or at least read list starts building. Mine looks a little like this at the moment: Haddon, Mark - The Curious Incident of the Dog in the Night-Time This is not so much a kids book, Dymocks keeps it in the Literature section, it's meant to be brilliant. I've had my eye on it for months and months now. Campbell, Eric - Absurdistan Back in 200x around the time all the 'War on Terrorism' stuff came up I kept a close eye on the news and made a mental note to keep track of one particular journalist. This was short lived when I picked (Eric Campbell - I'm fairly sure it was him) and the following week his camera man was blown up by a suicide bomber. I confess I gave up the idea following anyone after that (was a bit put out, and minorly disturbed). I would very much like to have a read of this one. Hamilton, Clive - Affluenza Curiousity apparently killed the cat. This looks interesting. Martel, Yann - Life of Pi Again another that has been lurking in the background for ages. And some others on the list: Heller, Joseph - Catch 22 maybe Nabokov, Vladimir - Lolita(questionable that I attempt this one, I'd like to one day if I feel brave :) really do the girls wandering around Eastland with pink Lolita bags have a clue of where the name has come from! :S) Behrendt, Greg/ Tuccillo, Liz - He's Just Not That In To You I would like sincerly to read this book. I read a small proportion when I was in Borders one day (yeh, traitor!) and a lot of it is full of crap but I want a 'non Christianese' view on relationships. Again it would be interesting. Smalley, Gary - The Five Love Languages I don't think I've ever read (if I have it was ages ago) the actual Love Languages book, always the alternate ones ie: Love Languages of God, Teens Love Languages or similar. Pax, Salam - The Baghdad BlogI mean why not! You can read it here I think. and there are others... oh yes there are others. I should read something by Oscar Wilde and hmm... I wouldn't mind a book on Body Language as that would be quite facinating.

Johari Window

Do me a favor and appease my curiousity by going here and clicking six words about me. and you can 'watch it' by going here. but do answer the thing first before you go have a look.

Freeeeeeeeak!

I'm doing the lazy (wo)man's blogging thing tonight: You Are 45% Normal (Somewhat Normal) While some of your behavior is quite normal... Other things you do are downright strange You've got a little of your freak going on But you mostly keep your weirdness to yourself How Normal Are You? ----------- And some random Valentines day quiz (which I stole off tony) because I'm bored. 1. do you like anyone?: yep lots of people 2. do they know it?: hopefully IN THE LAST MONTH HAVE YOU. . . 4. Had someone buy you something?: yes 5. Bought something?: yes too much 6. Had Sex?: no 7. Been hugged?: yes 8. Felt stupid?: of course 9. Talked to an ex? none exist 10. Missed someone: yes 11. Failed a test: never! :P (oh so close) 12. Ate cereal: I try to avoid cereal 13. Danced crazy: HAHAHA Bec dance! 14. Lied? Probably UNIQUE 16. Any nervous habits?: sure, or just bored habits like playing with things in front of me. 17. Are you double jointed?: only my tongue 18. Can you roll your tongue?: oh yeh, and flip the front forward 19. Can you raise one eyebrow?: no, it would be cool to though. 20. can you cross your eyes? yes 21. Do you make your bed daily?: not really (often, but if up early I just deal with it before I go to sleep. I destroy it most nights) HAVE YOU EVER. . . 22. Said "I Love you" and meant it: I suppose so, but not in 'that' way (seeing as this is a Valentines quiz a day late) 23. Given money to a homeless person?: yes 24. Waited all night for a phone call that never came?: no 25. Snuck out?: no... maybe when I was younger 26. Sat and looked at the stars?: yes 27. Do you swear?: in my head, and if 'crap' counts, then occasionally. It's unimaginative and unhelpful the majority of the time. It's not classy :P 28. Do you ever spit?: yes 29. You cook your own food?: sometimes 30. You do your own chores?: mostly 31. You're happy with your hair?: yes, had this random idea to dye it black last week (yeh freak out, bec dying hair - like thats going to happen)... but I dont' think so. I like my hair most days. 32. You own a dog?: um yes. do you want him? I have so little time for him now. 33. Do you like to swim?: yes 34. Are you patient?: more than I used to be DO YOU PREFER 41. flowers or chocolate: um, depends. To be honest. Flowers probably becuase its a rare thing getting flowers and you can only have so much chocolate. 42. grey or black?: black 43. Color or black and white photos?: irrelevant question 44. lust or love?: love 45. sunrise or sunset? Both NON VALENTINES DAY Q`S 1. Are you in a relationship?: nope - or yes I'm in many but not 'that' kind 2. If so, with who?: N/A 3. Sign? Why ask, it's a load of crap. 4. Do you believe in love at first sight? No 5. What about true love? What is 'true love'? 6. Have you made out with casual people? No 7. Would you kiss on the first date? No 8. Do you look for one night stands? Ha! No 9. Do you enjoy receiving flowers? Yeeees 10. Do you enjoy gifts from your girl/guy: if so, yes, but gifts aren't a huge thing for me VALENTINES QUESTIONS (haven't they all been?) 1. You have a valentine planned out to have? No, woops it's another whole year now. 2. Do you like having a valentine? N/A 3. Does someone like you currently? I am not telepathic 4. Are you even worried about the upcoming holiday? Heh what holiday? Oh, Valentines. Nope. 5. What’s the best gift to receive on the day? Lurve... nah . A hug. 6. Is a little kiss during school on Valentines Day sweet? *Gag* 7. Why is this an important holiday to couples? It forces tollerance and dollars 8.Have you ever gotten something from someone on the day? Yes

Onward forward backward

Valentines Day. The year has gone past and worked it's way around. Today marks one year exactly since I started YITS. It has been sufficently rounded off. This morning was spent reading my old journal (of which I kept fairly faithfully throughout the year) the starts and stops, the pitfalls, the lows, the highs of my year. I had forgotten how much God did and is still doing. I was attempting to find some 'pearl of wisdom' as Rowan requested in an email as a group of us were heading up to Adanac to be reps. for the new group. I think while reading, I progressed beyond the point of bothering to find some advice and was more interested in processing and looking at what exactly this past year has been for me. A journal entry I wrote in July summed up a lot fairly well despite only being part way through the year and probably slanted toward some stuff I was going through then (none recored in blog as it was the month I took off) It is stilted but I'll include it, it relates strangely to the conclusion.

4/7/05 (paraphrased) From a wounded position of assuming that a lot needed to happen in my life to a glorious experience of service and closeness to God. I have been stretched beyond belief, drawn closer to God, needed God, cried out to him. To a circular santification process of renewal. To begin to discover that I am exactly who God made me. I am loved by him. An experience of the value of friendships, the difficulty of removing old masks, facing fears. A lesson in trust. A process of self discipline. To begin to read you word and understand that thsi is such a primary way that you communicate with us. Accountability to others and to you. To follow you on a journey of (list of fruit of the spirit) which has been hard, very hard. To wander blindly in a pit of melancholic doubt. Needing assurance. To have the boat rocked and only half remember that you are always there.The importance of mystery, of relationships, of vulnerability, of knowing you are always faithful. To learn to be satisfied that you are doing a good work in my life...

I see this last year as having been split down the middle. The first half was so much more in getting through to who Rebecca was/is about while at the same time being reshaped in the ways that came with that. The change came at midyear camp and after a really difficult holiday which I had a lot of trouble around doubting. I'm not sure so much how to explain it but it was more about the 'where are you going' with your life now that you have a vague idea of the person you are, with the realities that being truthfully open has presented. So much. Too much of my year I think now, was about community. I came in half aware I was looking for one, not really realising that it was far more a priority on the agenda than I initially realised. I found it briefly and now I have the trouble of having to repeat in growing/finding something. Having others around is so unbelieveably important to growth and to knowing God. I now have to remember not to limit it, or forgo the effort I put in, I can do it again. I've done it, God's done it before. I can't explain it, the together thing. Today we were together. Together we talked to this new group about what the year might hold. What difficulties, what triumphs. Onward, backward, forward. I needed today. God loved me again through these people. I've been feeling more distant, or just have been having a bit of difficulty in finding the God I knew. I have been intensely caught up in small things lately. Nitpicking. Caught up in dissatisfaction. I haven't so to speak, 'heard from God' in ages. I hope tidat has broken that cycle. This year is going to be good. I ready for something new. I need to get somewhere again where I can learn. God will be in this one just as much as he has been before.

As the Father has loved me, so have I loved you. Now remain in my love. If you obey my commands, you will remain in my love, just as I have obeyed my Father's commands and remain in his love. I have told you this so that my joy may be in you and that your joy may be complete. My command is this: Love each other as I have loved you. Greater love has no one than this, that he lay down his life for his friends. You are my friends if you do what I command. I no longer call you servants, because a servant does not know his master's business. Instead, I have called you friends, for everything that I learned from my Father I have made known to you. You did not choose me, but I chose you and appointed you to go and bear fruit — fruit that will last. Then the Father will give you whatever you ask in my name. This is my command: Love each other. - John 15:9-17

What a day to remind me.

The fact of the matter

I was reading my old journal this morning and found out I've already dealt with all this 'one' business before. It took a conversation, some rationality a bit of prayer probably and a short paragraph of explanation. Dated 8-9-05

I talked to Elyce about there being 'only one' as she was challenged by this - about praying for her future husband and being minorly concerned by the potential many. Even without this context (one) it still works. Despite free choice of any number of men, of one I could/would like to end up married to, God still knows my choice before I make it. A good thing. God stands outside time, not forced choice, but he knows. We can still pray.

Yes that's right go eat some of your own smart cookies Rebecca and stop being foolish and getting caught up over irrelevant details. Looks like Mr. Right might just be getting prayed for after all ;)

Southbank

After a whole day of work yesterday (which went fairly quickly thankfully) I caught the 6:03pm train into Flinders Street and found my to Southbank to catch up with a few randoms. I saw Dawn first and got a massive smile from her. Then the rest of them sitting there around a table under horrendous red food-court light. I was extremely surprised to see Tom there and happier than I like to admit (looks like I might have missed you Tom ;) It was a most excellent collection of old faces, all whom I've missed greatly and hadn't really realised: Clare, Dawn, Jess C, Katie, Darryn, Amy B, Jess VW, Sam, Tom, Jane, Iain, Kat, Emma, Alice and Laura. We did a good lot of talking, laughing, eating. Walked along the Yarra for a bit then diverted into the casino :P had a look at the very unispiring Chinese New Years thing in the Atrium (which should have been taken down weeks ago). Of all things we ran in to Dan (Berwick YITS), Cameron and some of their mates who had been to the motor show. They went off and we ended up sitting in the food-court again, talking more and talking more and talking more. Katie and I went off for a bit of a wander as we were bored of sitting. Hopefully will be catching up with her and Jo on Friday. About five of us girls went out to watch the fire thing on the hour and sat up on a concrete barrier right underneath one so we could feel the full effects. Jane gave Sam and I a lift home. Extremely satisfying evening.

Continuation of ideas

After a bit more thinking then finding both Burkie's and Jas comments, which I did the diservice of replying very quickly to, I guess I should back track or at least clarify a couple of things - which actually will just turn out to be a continuation of last nights theorising. Back to some fundamentals (thanks Burks):

"Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.” - 1 Cor 13:6-7 (emphasis mine)

"Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus." - Phillipians 4:6-7

"Love must be sincere. Hate what is evil; cling to what is good. Be devoted to one another in brotherly love. Honor one another above yourselves. Never be lacking in zeal, but keep your spiritual fervor, serving the Lord. Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer." - Romans 12:9-12 (emphasis mine again)

"God is at work in response to our prayers, whether we see something happening or not. If we are truly praying, “Thy will be done,” forces are at work beyond our comprehension - and often, beyond our vision. But they are working just the same." -David Jeremiah

Now there's a lot to think about. *edit How oddly hilarious: Just read the Rebekah story again... HA! What do you think about the relevance of this? It could have been any girl who rocked up at that well.

Summer is good and the crickets are singing their lust songs

I have been thinking about love. Laugh now. Not however in relation at all to this post's title, that was a random line that appeared in my head late this afternoon and had every excuse to make it on to paper somewhere. These 'love thoughts' come after reading a goodly lot of The Road Less Travelled which is a fairly famous book by M. Scott Peck, a psychiatrist (I can't work out what religion he is, if any - I'd heard he was a Christian, but he is evidently hiding it or has writen specifically for the secular market. Entirely not definitive in my respect for many of his ideas for they are very good.) I realise now a good proportion of the 'love lecture' that Tim Hein presented to us during a group focus class last year has been derived from ideas. So now Rowan (if you read this) I at least have a somewhat text form of what was said. If you do read this, I'm still waiting for that video/mp3 and have been meaning to remind you for some time. Please? I will not spoil the book (for it should be read in it's entirity for everything to fit together) by sharing too many ideas, but it has lead me to question a couple of things. The whole 'pray for your future spouse' which in many a sense is a bit of guff . Of course God stands outside the free choice with this birds eye view and knows exactly whom we will end up with (be that one, or more people - due to death and sadly too often, divorce). The fact that we have free choice I think is extremely important when you look at this, specifically when you realise that you - in the matter of love, you could end up happily married to Mr.1, Mr.2, Mr.3... (or Miss#) depending upon a descision that will evidently have to happen. That saying, I do not think a ONE Mr/Miss. Perfect exists. For if we lived thus, it presents the perfect excuse of, "Oh wow! What a mistake I've made, this person isn't my perfect companion." The person I marry (God willing that Bec marrying someone happens - I do hope so :P) the only person I ever have to make that descision with (til death do us part - excepted) will be my Mr. Right. God does know who this person will be. But under human standards, no ONE for me exists. Hopefully that's clear? So, the with choice aspect (which I am again exploring tonight) - how does it fit with the common catch-cry in Christian singles circles of praying for their future spouse? So that you know: I have been known to do this (praying for mr. x), after being inspired by some literature :P, I often don't remember. But I guess I'm asking why? I cannot afterall pray this person into perfection, pray for them to avoid mistakes in various areas, for we are human and God will teach us how he chooses. I am trying my hardest to comprehend how this non-ONE can be prayed for. If I could marry: A, B or C - does that mean I should just drop the prayer/focus because it alludes to the ONE that God can see. Or should I pray tangibly from the human position that I find myself in - which means if praying for the Mr Right, I could very well be praying for the whole eligible male Christian population? I do not exactly know if I can draw specific conclusions for the above, because it is another of those annoying paradoxes. Laugh at me if you like, I find this interesting although it is probably quite irrelevant in the scheme of things. With the good notion that a lot of this is irrelevant, and although God cares immensely about the intricate details of our lives (Read Hagar's story) importance should perhaps instead be placed on the "who am I becoming", rather than the individual that we one day hope will 'complete' us. Instead of pouring our time into idealistic theories, perfecting this person, or hoping God will guide this person our way (I mean duh! Think about it, that's just stupid!) we should be looking at our own lives. Communication with God about everything is vital for he created us for relationship and we can't have that without it being a key part of lives as Christians. The 'why of prayer' is a massive topic and I wont track too far down that just now. Marriage and relationships are important to me - despite Marriage being a future endeavor - it should come into my conversations with God. A lot of this all flies back to a definition of love, which is nigh impossible to achieve as it has so many facets. When it comes down to it, we are responsible (despite being the 'two becoming one' aspect) for ourselves and not in the shaping of another to fit our needs, our wants, or our ideals. So what is an appropriate response to the waiting game as a single? We personally cannot possibly do the shaping of another before they exist in our lives. We can hope they wont make destructive choices now that we may have to later deal with. Primarily this is God's concern between that individual and himself. Looking at prayer in relation to a future spouse rings slightly hollow when you track your motives backwards. It's quite selfish to voice that person into perfection. Perhaps praying for that person is not wrong, but we have to be careful of why we are praying. In Phillipians 1:3-8 Paul concludes a letter which I think is curiously relevant.

I thank my God every time I remember you. In all my prayers for all of you, I always pray with joy because of your partnership in the gospel from the first day until now, being confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus.

It is right for me to feel this way about all of you, since I have you in my heart; for whether I am in chains or defending and confirming the gospel, all of you share in God's grace with me. God can testify how I long for all of you with the affection of Christ Jesus.

If you read that to fit the circumstances I'm looking at, which I hope is not heretical :P but is taking things HUGELY out of context. You have to admit how much, "God can testify how I long for [all of] you with the affection of Christ Jesus." (v.8) rings true with the 'single in waiting'. The verses following explain how Paul is seeking God for them (church in Phillipi):

And this is my prayer: that your love may abound more and more in knowledge and depth of insight, so that you may be able to discern what is best and may be pure and blameless until the day of Christ, filled with the fruit of righteousness that comes through Jesus Christ—to the glory and praise of God.

The fact that Paul already knew these people already could further align to why we shouldn't be concerning ourselves with facination and focus on this Mr. Shaddow. We can perhaps pray, that their (our Mr/Miss.One's) love may abound more and more in knowledge... taking due note that the onus here is placed fully back upon that person and their relationship with their maker, specifically, "to the glory and praise of God." It has nothing at all to do with us. I have seesawed all evening to the yes's and no's of praying for God's choice of Mr. Right for me. I can thank God for his plan for my life. I can look at who I am, what I would be like to be married to (a very scary thought), I can look at the qualities I cannot compromise on in future husband, I can understand that it comes down to a mutual descision and that I cannot choose wrongly. It might seem honorable to have this man's best interests at heart, to ask to have God watching out for him - but I need to understand that God has been doing that long before I, or the lucky guy :P were born. My communication with God around this subject should I think instead be in trusting in who I know God to be and how he continually follows through. That he'll shape me into the person I need to be, so that I can come maturely to that descision that I hope to one day make to share my life with another.

Cooperating

After resubmitting class choices I finally have my timetable set (for uni). Classes are still Monday to Wednesday. Which is rather good, seeing as Jess' are also, which means we can probably do some car-pooling. Huzzah! Saves, money on petrol - saves more public transport (one thing having your P's, another owning a car). Unfortunately I have only a one hour lecture on Monday. So there's a whole day sort of wasted. It was kind enough to be smack bang in the middle of the day. I could have had the Friday instead and spread my classes out a bit more but that further complicates things. I will double check and see what Jess is doing. I have roughly 12hrs contact time. This is quite good methinks... although not compared to Laura's 6hrs (excluding online classes). I was checking what text books and other fun stuff that I need (ie: Go buy photoshop Bec - it doesn't say you need it, but I think you do. You certainly WANT it). Thus I will be hunting online over the next little while to try and save myself a bit of $'s.

Splendiforous Jeans

After 8 hours of work. Half of my fine family presented themselves at the shops, ready to shop. Groanage to the delayed lift home, it meant more hours not in comfort. I found jeans. It's really really hard for me to get pants, seriously. I found two pairs - and so bought them both (oww on the pocket). One of the pairs, thanks to Giordano's free hemming service are being taken up - only 3inches as opposed to Em's 5... Reasonable deal, getting two pairs at once. So not excruciatingly expensive. I was fairly shocked that I had to get a size 8 for them to even fit me... I'm usually not a size 8. The half size (9) was even too big. Really weird. They aren't even very tight. The others were cheaper, still too long, but I like them. Normal size. Thank you. I should be all set for the rest of the year now. Seeing as I've worn out most of my other pairs in some way or other (ie: mega holes in the knees). thus endth blog on jeansies. Can you tell I need sleep?

Tired donkeys

I am in the first set of chosing classes from the beneficial position of having a last name that starts early in the alphabet. This evening I get a msg from Jess (who's last name starts with a V ie: not at the start of the alphabet) and she lets me know she has her classes. MINE DO NOT FLIPPING WORK. I have a couple of set one's listed, and NOTHING else. Which means, I have been forgotten, or I will be stuck with majorly sucky class times, or I am sitting in a backlogged queue. I think I will email them fairly agressively tomorrow if I end up with something crap (tomorrow begins the "Oh, I missed my class chosing time, now I'll pick from the leftovers, session"), I doubt it will achieve much but I do very much care to bring to their attention that their system is pathetically stuffed. /rant Work today. 10am-6pm. Too long. Working with Simone is fine, with Susan is fine but working with Grace gets a bit frustrating. I understand what you mean now Tilla. She has to have everything done her way, tells you what to do all the time without getting the bigger picture, I've been told not to disagree with her or she chucks the stink. Lovely Scottish accent, superb with customers (except when you are just trying to get through them fast), fantastic if you appease her. But a whole day of it is a little much. Patience radar on high today. Mark was in this evening (the only guy that works at Dymocks, Bernie doesn't count: he's the owner) they pull him in as back-up. Jess has gone overseas, Leigh has left work. We really need to hire someone else. I saw Rachel Troup of all people yesterday (at work). Did Yr.10 with her, then she left - this is the girl I had great fun debating random things with. She remembered me, and I her. Gave her resume to me. Was weird to see her again, working with her would be interesting. Quite hilarious chat with a 70yr-old guy about computers today. He does all kinds of courses, fixes his own, has built a computer. Had a bit of fun talking to him about stuff, while he was buying a book on Outlook. He apparently hates Windows 2003 etc. etc. He started recommending various classes to me after I mentioned I was doing multimedia stuff this year. I don't quite remember how the conversation shifted, and he started talking about stress and pulled his shirt across and showed me this massive scar - pacemaker. Words fled, and I didn't have any idea where to go with it. The next second he was back talking about computers. How random. Work was too long. I compromise my 8hr shifts with allowing myself to get coffee. Turns out I get a discount at Mrs. Fields (probably at Gloria Jeans) because I work in 'the centre'. This is muchly cool. I had some massively good (if you can say that)constrasts of male behavior. I was taking the rubbish down early on and some kind guy held the door for me, even though he had to wait. Then there was the Swedish guy in the shop who looked elsewhere before looking at my face, I do not exactly appreciate it - it's rude, not exactly comfortable, particularly before even talking to you. And yes, you can tell where people's eyes are if you are paying attention. Hi, I'm a lesson in female objectiviy, my face is up here - funny about that. For crying outloud, I was in a work uniform! ...and for something different (you really sort of have to see it) there was this ad that I cut out of the paper yesterday at Jess's because it made me laugh. Real estate ad for some farm with the following disclaimer:

-Drop the dead donkey- YES, there has been some interest in this spread at Red Hill South (where?), chiefly from people wanting to konw why the vendors would want to feature a dead donkey in the ad. "We tried to talk the vendors out of that but they insisted," said Satchwells man Bernard Montgomery. "It's a newborn foal and in two year it will be a winner. Take it from me." We trust you Bernine, you're a real estate agent.

Quite classic. Pity you really need the picture.

Sophisticate

After dissing the idea and the crudity of Jarhead, Jess and I found ourselves in front of Good night and Good luck, again in an audience that had at the least, thirty more years worth of life experience per head than each of us. As I described the movie later, "It engaged my intelligence more than my emotions" - to which Jess prompty replied, "It's more of a boys movie then" which we both refuted on the basis of not enough of that kind of action in same way a girls movie has a lot of that kind of love. If you have been unobservant you would have noticed nothing about me that likes culture or sophistication. If I had the money and could think of less worthy causes, I would visit places like Hamer Hall far more frequently. As it is, I have to content myself with good range of classics (some of which I simply read, to say I've read them - by after reading them, realise that I actually found myself slightly enthralled)and the occasional decent arthouse'ish movie. Which I entirely pin down to strange taste and far less to cultural exploration. Good night and Good luck intitially utterly confused me as it explores a world of journalism and politics (set in the 50's) - of politics I pretend to have a loathing for, for the fear and suspcision that if I actually took the time to explore it I might find myself vaguely facinated. I know very little about that world and I shall continue to wear the front that I don't care in the slightest, as it is easier and I don't quite have time just yet to delve into it. Aside from the political aspects, what did facinate me was the interplay of censorship and truth and presentation and the potential usefulness of something I generally regard as fairly pointless. Television. I came out thoroughly satisfied, with my mind overworked and beautifully sharp from being fine-tuned from an hour and a half of semi-intense concentration. The truth of the matter is that I am a sophisticate fraud. I confess it is a lot of fun. Some day perhaps I'll cut through the crap of pretense and maybe pack the job. Until then, I'll hole up at home and line up, Of Mice and Men, 1984, War and Peace, Don Quitoxe, Lolita and maybe even give Wuthering Heights a second chance.