allsaidanddone

Saturday, June 25, 2005

A Blog Post (unabridged)

I know a little what it was like for Job. Estrangement from God is what we should fear most. Who cares about troubles, they are nothing. There is sorrow from the depths of your very being when God is not where he should be in your life. I have lost focus. I've changed considerably already this year. On blogging. It was a challenge to open myself up to letting others in, but there are far better means. It's time to stop for a significant while. To get back to what I used to have, which was a far better relationship with the one that matters most. I don't know if I ever said but this journalling was originally between God and myself and it served a beautiful purpose. It lost that. There is a limit to what you should share with others and it is a very different thing when it is a relationship and not a selfish one sided attempt at improving something of yourself. It was liberating at first but I'd rather focus on others knowing me for who I am and let them discover that on their own. In many ways my hesitation to share even the link was I guess a faint recognition of the above. I don't regret sharing, not one bit. But opening one side of me this way has had an affect to an extent to the side I would much prefer to be in priority. I love you all and I don't say that lightly. It would be nice sometime to open file on your lives but it's not how we were designed. God is one of the greatest mysteries of this life - if we only spent a bit more time trying to discover him than ourselves we'd be far better off. I wont stop writting, but I guess I've learned something important about boundries and how foolish it is to stretch them to see if they really exist. We are mysteries to ourselves. That can only be a good thing. There is a vast difference in living a transparent life and living an opaque imitiation. I hate tacky endings, but all the same, it is never all said and done. [December 12, 2004 - On Random, First blog post] "Who ever you are, this is but a little of who I am -I think I'd do well to remember that also."

Mmm Cookie

*sigh* I did it again. I promised mum I wouldn't burn them. I told Hannah what I was doing. I went to my room and forgot about them. for the record: I made perfectly good muffins about a week ago. I was looking forward to these... :\ choc-chip are the best.

Get a life

maybe I shall turn this into a rant a vent or some other whatever. frustrated/annoyed on a number of levels. 1. bored bored bored 2. have to find someone to feed my dog while we're away 3. bored bored bored 4. the following comment via msn: person: "hehe, just thought I'd let ya know, I discovered something when in the city" bec: yeh? person: "there are sooooooo many cute guys in the city :P" very hard to convey a stoney silence and a 'get a life' over msn... there is normality and there is just 'grow up', why must it become an entire topic of conversation? frankly not in the mood. so Im a lonely bored grump. get a life bec. Blogs stink sometimes. They don't talk back not even to tell you to shutup.

Boredom and the Quiz

Just managed to waste over an hour bumming round doing 'Personality quizzes' online. How very lame, how very bored I am, how very sore my left wrist is, what am I going to do with myself the rest of today? Why haven't I had lunch yet? Have been in the past rather into MyersBriggs etc (which is actually a real personailty thing not just a stupid internet thing). that saying, I am an INTJ borderline ISTJ (found that our recently). and I'll find a link so something about that when I can be bothered (soon after I post this). *LINK HERE Alternatively some results from various other quizzes: from: http://hokev.brinkster.net/quiz/default.asp Better Personality ? Wackiness: 50/100 Rationality: 46/100 Constructiveness: 14/100 Leadership: 54/100 You are a SEDL--Sober Emotional Destructive Leader. This makes you a Dictator. You prefer to control situations, and lack of control makes you physically sick. You feel have responsibility for everyone's welfare, and that you will be blamed when things go wrong. Things do go wrong, and you take it harder than you should. You rely on the validation and support of others, but you have a secret distrust for people and distaste for their habits and weaknesses that make you keep your distance from them. This makes you very difficult to be with romantically. Still, a level-headed peacemaker can keep you balanced. Despite your fierce temper and general hot-bloodedness, you have a soft spot for animals and a surprising passion for the arts. Sometimes you would almost rather live by your wits in the wilderness somewhere, if you could bring your books and your sketchbook. You also have a strange, undeniable sexiness to you. You may go insane. Of the 131586 people who have taken this quiz since tracking began (8/17/2004), 5.5 % are this type. ---------------- Relationship one from same site... sort of have to think of hypotheticals eXpressive: 5/10 Practical: 9/10 Physical: 4/10 Giver: 2/10 You are a RPIT--Reserved Practical Intellectual Taker. This makes you a Love Geek. ---------------- lost the link for this one: Intrapersonal thinker: Spend a lot of time thinking about and trying to understand themselves · Reflect on their thoughts and moods, and work to improve them · You understand how your behaviour affects your relationships with others. Other Intrapersonal thinkers include Sigmund Freud, Gandhi, Grahame Greene Careers which suit Intrapersonal Thinkers includePsychologist, Teacher, Pilot, Child care worker, Explorer, Drama therapist ----------------- The Cappuccino is the java that best describes your personality. Chic and intellectual, this drink is only for the serious and mature. The air of importance 'cappuccino' carries cannot be spoken unless by the purely driven and successful individuals. This drink can be contemplative or social, although it is most often considered classy. With its rich espresso, relaxed milk, and slightly foamed topping it fits in most anywhere. Although slightly reserved for important occasions, there is a hint of exciting foam that is let loose only briefly. You are not given to triviality and pointless activities. You like success and are goal driven, ambitious and are comfortable conversing. You are confident and bold and no one can mess with a cappuccino. Any addition or change to a cappuccino only wrecks its calm and collected image. Responsible and slightly reserved, the cappuccino is the mirror of your cool, collected, and 'going somewhere' personality. To be inspired and motivated, people love absorbing the aura of confidence surrounding a cappuccino. http://www.iamnext.com/fun/coffeequiz2.html ---------- boredom should end here. YITS withdrawals (as Alecia so nicely puts it). I need people. some lunch is not a bad thought.

Friday, June 24, 2005

Random thinkings while on train (unabridged)

Ok so I didn't write yesterday. I might as well do it now as the train is relatively empty meaning that I don't have other eyes reading this. Today. Comparitively better than yesterday. Work yes. Melbourne like a freezer but still beautiful. Went out the back to feed Job around 7:15am this morning, still hints of sunrise, full moon, sky completely clear and an eagle. Quite surreal. Work was work, fairly enjoyable but left wrist playing up again. And now I'm going home. There is a guy infront of me (not same seat set). He's wearing an orange work vest that says "Push me for responce" (spelling as written). I wonder if he knows... Yesterday. One of those days. Fell up stairs on way out of Spencer St. A weird guy on the the tram. Skitzophrenic - or something not quite right. He was leering at anyone female. Sat opposite me and tried talking...'why wont you talk to me'. I might have said fractionally more than nothing if it were someone else. I'd say hello to the asian guy :) the one who repeats 'channel 9 news' over and over, but this guy was plain creepy. Ignored him and had to reread the one page of my book about three times for it to make any sense. Pity that, being the last page of Hitchhikers, you kind of want to end in style. He finally moved. So nice unsettling time. Hate stuff like that. Semi bothered others. just noticeably hanging round other women a few seats down. Lunch with Jess C - that was ok. had to do most of the talking....(omitted part) Few awkward silences. It is worth the effort to get to know her better. I feel older than her, which in reality is not true. Hmm don't know what made me class yesterday as 'bad' I guess the morning's stuff. A foul mood. I did get a photo of my door (have I mentioned the orange door?). Took it in a hurry so not hugely great. Can't put on blog til Burkie goes out and finds it for himself - somehow got me to promise that. something about it being 'new' I have my eccentricities (sp?) - if anyone else appreciates quirks in the same way - well. The door is probably not worth half a blink to many ... person walks past, "oh orange door" and promptly forgets. A good thing - went to Alecia's for dinner with Jess W an dSam. Lasagne - got to meet a few of her housemates. Played a game called Apples to Apples. Highly enjoyable. Love company and doing things out of the ordinary. This writing is such a mess - hopefully recognisable to get down somewhere elses. This is in the notebook - originally for Group Focus stuff, it now lives in my backpack and serves numerous purpose, random thinkings on trains on occasion. *Nunawadding Station Should get to Moorolbark by 6:15ish maybe fractionally earlier. It's funny how you catch the same train every once, even twice a week then you are waiting on the platform and see the screen change to 5:16 Moorolgbark and think, "Oh good - this is mine. Why's it not going to Lilydale?" You get on anyway and 5 minutes after sitting down realise you normally get the 5:23 which completely... *Mitcham Station ...explains why it is not a Lilydale train and feel rather stupid for not giving it half a though initially. Called Dad/Em/Home/Laura and finally got through to Laura who isn't at home. So recalled home and eventually got on to them. Mum's picking... *Heatherdale Station ...me up from Moorl. and we are going on to Eastland. And I am changing tenses (writing) all over the place. I'm reading Provence a book about France. Has no real story line as such, beautiful description. People rant on and on with crappy metaphors. This guy - when he uses them- creates far better ones. *Ringwood Station Actually there is a story. Just a guy and his wife's year living in Provence. So more small narratives of their life. I think it is true, I recall seeing the date 1989... *Ringwood East Station ... somwhere. I am sittin gat the wrong end of the train - 3 I think from the front which means I have to walk lots once I get to the sation - then again, its' Moorl. maybe not. Haha I could bore myself writing this. But can't be bothered with more France right now. I have Relient K up nice and loud. *Croydon... hmm not so late Called Mum again to come now so I don't have to wait in the cold. Stopping now. nearly there. The end of lovely boring train ride which I quite enjoyed. :) *Moorolbark Station ----------- *long wait in the cold

Wednesday, June 22, 2005

Word of the Day - Scintillating

scintillating scin·til·late To throw off sparks; flash. To sparkle or shine. See Synonyms at flash. To be animated and brilliant: dinner conversation that scintillated. v. tr. To give off (sparks or flashes).

Read and Blue

To keep track of what I've read as my other lists that I make always seem to get lost or stop... Read and Blue by all means if you have read any of the books, comment away. Only recording from today, it's too difficult to go back and remember the ones before. links to Amazon purely because there are reviews there... should you by any chance be interested.

Tuesday, June 21, 2005

Record (unabridged)

Words. God gave so much to the world before words. I think of the excitement in recording what has happened - the same that everyone has. Photographs, letters, journal entries (blogs for that matter), stories, movies, cd, recordings of voice, home videos, a child's handprint in clay or dough, all those mementos, those tickets, pieces of thread, a feather - people's 'spooky boxes'. Why does it mean so much to record our history? We all know whether we acknowledge it or not that we are going to die one day. Oh yes, it's nice to think we can leave behind a little of our past for our grandchildren to wonder over, but those birthday cards, notes from friends, leaves, coins - what are they to any other? Why do we care so much? Why if you were to grab something when your house was burning down would it be those things, memories in their pitifully concrete form. What are memories after we die? Or heaven forbid get Altzheimers *sarcasm*. We spend so much time recording our lives and for what end? It's selfish in many ways, the way we hoard what's precious to us. We could for instance go out and make a bit of difference in somone's day. But then do we keep those things because someone made a difference in our day? Words, a way to record, to communicate, to solidify history, to pass on what could be pointless or maybe even useful information. Does a cookbook hold higher honor than a novel? Where does feeding imaginations lie in comparision to what could be more practical? Can you write without a dream, without anything to impart? Record the happenings, the present, the future even, and most definitely the past. To what end? A respite from the now? How people pour over photo albums - even those belonging to others. Are we so caught up in the intricracies of our lives? Or is that why it's so important? ---------------------- What would you grab if your house was burning down? What's in your 'spooky box'?

Coffee

How I like my coffee. I somehow ended up owning multiple cups, all brown and green "very bec" Also a testimony to my stingyness as they were either presents or like the cup in the middle cost me a grand total of 50c (new, not opshop). That saying, I dont think I've ever used the really little one - mum got that for me somewhere. The secondone up (from the right) is the one probably worth the most, Laura got that for Kris Kringle for me (we did it on schoolies... so I ended up getting 2 Christmas presents from her). The very first one is possibly the best for late night coffee, it being the largest and if you make the coffee the same colour as the cup it's pretty well perfect. The 50c cup is useful as it accomdates for the tea drinking... trying to drink tea out of a latte cup, don't even go there. Whatever the case, this is evidence of the slight collecting gene I've inherited from my mother (by no means as bad) and I have well and truly eased off since about 4 years back. At least this is practical.

Monday, June 20, 2005

Here's to Normality (altered rather a lot)

Not entirely sure why I started titling these, could be something to do with the fact that I enjoy making up that kind of thing. Words words. I usually wait until after I've written then put something up. Did the title first today. So much for saying holidays started last week, whenever, this is the first day where I have nothing. Which is the key to start planning/sorting stuff on what needs - or I wnat to happen. Bedtimes need to improve. 2:30am last 'night' which is terrible, I could blame it on proper coffee and good company. It was both, it's still stupid of me. Wonder if I can make it to bed before 10? So, regain the body clock, my habits to work myself back into some sort of properly functioning human being where I can have an indepth conversation without losing the plot 5 min's in. [12:53:02 AM] you wanna know somthing else I think? (please don't take the wrong way) our late nite encounters have not been as deep (it's not even that...they've just been different) in recent times ^ Very true that and entirely my fault. God, I guess I need to shove otherstuff aside a bit more. I can fool myself thinking that I've spent time with you, but it's not the best of my time. Help me to want to give my first and best time to spend with you. Thank you for what you've been this past while - that's the attitude I've had. It should be: for who you are. It's funny how things change in interaction with someone, you/others how externally it appears nothing has changed and a week weeks down the track things just feel differnt (often the awkward, sometimes the better). ....more left unsaid. Appologies to those I've had zombie conversations with lately - that would be most of you I've talked with. Please please kick me offline if I'm on after 12pm (or earlier if I say :)) I love talking with you, but if I can do it earlier, conversation should be much improved.

Some Photos

Playing with new camera... Job the dog and the wonderfully interesting things in our house result in photos of flowers: And was mucking around with settings, not like you ever use colour settings but yeh I like them. and so you aren't meant to take w/ backlight. bah to conventions this is weird.

Sunday, June 19, 2005

Movies

after a thought running through my somewhat dead head last night... heres something undeep, required minimal thinking and is of probably no positive use to myself, bar the fact I could look back on this in a few years (or even weeks) and groan or alternatively be entirely satisfied. Movies. Top Chick Flicks (all in no particular order) 1. Little Women 2. Sabrina 3. Ever After 4. Finding Neverland 5. Pride and Prejudice 6. Anne of Green Gables 7. Breakfast at Tiffanies (not sure if it counts I saw it at 2am when I was half asleep) 8. Love Actually Top Other 1. GATTACA 2. Les Miserables 3. Amelie 4. Life Is Beautiful (La Vita e' bella) 5. Love Me if You Dare 6. Memento Other movies I really liked 1. Punch Drunk Love or is it Punch Love Drunk? 2. Cold Mountain (I have only seen this in black and white, stupid tv) 3. Big Fish 4. A Beautiful Mind 5. Schindlers List 6. The Aviator (because it caught my fancy and everyone else I went with hated or strongly disliked it, maybe a 'liked' not 'really liked') 7. Spellbound 8. David Copperfield 9. Oceans11 10. LOTR/Starwars just for merits sake 11. Erin Brockovich 12. The Scarlet Pimpernel (this would probably majorly decrease if I saw it again...) Top Series etc... 1. Jeeves and Wooster 2. Brother Cadfael neither of which you can get in Australia easily :( The somewhat Disturbing but still really enjoyed 1. Dead Poets Society 2. The Cider House Rules 3. Patch Adams (ha um, yes) 4. Boys from Brazil 5. Oliver Twist..maybe I didnt enjoy this one at all thats all I can think of for now.

Saturday, June 18, 2005

Eighteenth of June 2005

so how to describe. or rather I don't know if I want to, I've desensitised or tried to, or those well established emotional boundries kicked in, in full force. church meeting. needed to be done. uncomfortable, emotional people, a stand up and leave in protest after a speil (at the end) with a minority following, a time where I was standing in the line and swearing repeditively in my head b/c my mind had nothing else to do... that and talk to God. last looks at faces. I didn't really properly say goodbye to anyone. sitting next to Janice at the back away from sisters/mum (glad). eating skittles we grabbed on the way in. frustrated at how the thing went round in circles. glad I couldnt see faces when resignations were being read out. "only way things can go are up"... church is not a building. wherever we end up God can use us. better than sitting around passively. anyway. numb. hurt. annoyed. glad its over. hard to say goodbye. all that. more. haven't had time to process properly I guess. dont' want to right now. Romans 8:28-39 Heb 12:2-3 Heb 12:14 2 Tim 2:23-26 Eph 4:14-21 aside from not crying all night. reading those did. thank you.

Shot

slept til 11:50am. I never do that. Jess W was coming to pick me up at 11:45am (yes thats right). Told me the night before to be sure to be ready as I don't want to have to come inside and get you. Thankfully she was late. Got here about 11:55 instead. In a good mood :P so she gave me a fraction longer. Fall out of bed. find clothes somehow, find shoes, find water, fed the dog, grabbed an apple to eat in the car (for breakfast), money, phone, assignment to hand in. left. Got talking on the way to Tabor and so missed the turn off on to Oban Rd (erm. yes we do go the same way every time) had to go the long way round. Handed in essays with half an hour to spare. I went looking for Rowan to get my USB stick back, but their offices were all locked up, will just have to wait for camp. Drove to Eastland (that would be the shopping centre) to meet Alecia infront of Macca's for lunch (infront, not at). Subway for me, some a little sorry looking pasta for Jess and Alecia (when she came). Jess and I then went Camera shopping. Teds Camera House first (which I told Jess was overpriced) weren't there long. Then to Kirks. Nice shop. Jess got asked what she was looking for, "a camera" (A and I gave her lots for that seeing the whole shop was devoted to them). I managed to talk Jess out of giving into the sales lady's advice and to wait and look round a bit more. Saw the camera I found last night for $649 the rrp listed on the Nikon site. Too much. Then dropped Alecia back at her car and we drove back to Croydon. Second shop, much bigger range. Jess found something better, cheaper and I made her ask/get a deal for everything else thrown in. There's some of the dutch coming out. Managed to find one myself. Same camera as before. Nikon Coolpix 4800 was after at least 4mp. and more zoom. Surprisingly $100 cheaper. Ho hummed for a bit, got sales person to chuck a card in with it, cost a bit extra but not too much. Decided I might as well. So :) I have a camera. finally! mucking around and took this of the flowers we had for hannah: Went to Annie Get Your Gun tonight at school. Good way to spend an evening. Typical school production with varying levels of singing/acting ability. Overall pretty good. Hannah was great! Don't know where those genes came from. Her only obvious blunder when she snaped her gun in half... and everyone laughing so hard she found hard to hear the music - but kept singing. She didn't have trouble with lines, although a few did. Had seats in the middle but way up the back as Han forgot to book early. I was fortunate enough to have a little kid in front of me :P Hannah (aka Annie Oakley) Fun evening, even though I did have an 'oversleep' headache. caught up with Jaclyn (cousin) very good to see her again :) Miss not seeing her now I'm not at school. em, jaclyn, laura And that is the end of the saga of my day. Thank you for listening if you got this far, if you didn't I don't blame you. Goodnight.

Friday, June 17, 2005

Whatever

Worth remembering. earlier this evening I was doing a boost for the sibling (aka Hannah) in gush as she is Annie in Annie Get Your Gun tomorrow night in the school production. I was looking and looking for that verse that says: 'do everything for God deal...' I couldn't remember exact wording and spent a bit of time scrounging searches on biblegateway and gave up. I normally don't put verses in boosts but it came to mind. Anyway. later. lots later. after I'd sort of forgotten. I open to where I left off reading last night (yeah evidence I've been doing reading). And was on Colossians 3:15-17. v.17 "And whatever you do, whether in word or deed, do it all in the name of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks to God the Father through him." Ah the irony. God makes me laugh sometimes. but hey, in looking for the Haig's: its the thought that counts. (and I just broke a bec rule: do not say the 'but hey'... hmm that hasn't come up in awhile. Oh well I'll just leave it.) Dictionary: Haigs/Hagar - Hannah (the littlest sister) Word of the Day: intrinsic only becuase I had it on the tip of my tongue when I was writing the personal creed - wanted to use it (and I did) but it took one extensive search of the dictionary and varieties of spelling. God is cool.

Close to Home (unabridged)

from 15/6/05 Went to missions trip info night for Owa language group. New Testament...or is it Bible dedictation. Thats Santa Ana (Island in the Solomons). I went basically to catch up with the Mellows and take my mind off everything else. I amaze myself... am so comfortable with them its like quiet bec doesn't exist. Was good to laugh, to remember together. Sisters weren't there. Personal Creed is done! Work tomorrow and after that, freedom! Time, it finally slows down enough for me to catch up, or in taking the metaphor more literally, to get off and forget it for awhile. Church stuff, I have now a much fuller picture. I was reading a book I found on the table this morning, skim read cover to cover. Fractured Families: A Melbourne church cult (link to article from the Age) Somewhat disturbing. Namely the last names of WPC people, of whom are causing much of the problems - Roe's, Nicholls. I guess just that it is/was prevalant in areas like Mont Albert, Surrey Hills... all places around where church is. They had a big problem with 'the fellowship' in Mt Evelyn. Did I take a step back when I read that name! And some of the founders or something were missionaries in the Solomons and stuff in the SSEC church. of which was one of the denomination/churches we 50:50 attended. Too close to home. weird. Book was written only last year. Brings stuff close to home, makes you wonder. Mmm. so Church. I will pretty much have to go to Saturday's meeting. Dad's prediction of the situation, probably mass exodus (maybe not) 30-40 left. Interim pastor etc... they'll run church their way for 10 or 15yrs then it will die out (they are prty much all older). I dare say it wont be a place to attract youth, families, growth for that matter. Then again God, I have no idea what you have in plan. Sad yes, but pleased its nearly all over. Walsh's had some retailiation meeting at their place tonight. Monty J was going to try tell them they are being 'carnal' in their approach to it all. It was going to be an attempt at forcing Geoff, dad... to leave. Dad Mark and Geoff sort of beat them to it, closed the umbrella before they got a chance - the letter about resignations went out today. Hmm, God you know what's going on. Thankyou for being constant, unchanging. For being a just God and a loving God. Amen.

Wednesday, June 15, 2005

Self - C.S. Lewis

Interesting quote that I don't want to lose, so I'll put it here. Just a little foundational on what's been going on in my head the past 12mths or so. Trust C.S. Lewis to word it so nicely (from Mere Christianity) I sort of needed to hear it articulated again even although this is the first time I've read this. "But there must be a real giving up of the self. You must throw it away 'blindly' to so speak. Christ will indeed give you a real personality: but you must not go to Him for the sake of that. As long as your own personality is what you are bothering about you are not going to Him at all. The very first step is to try to forget about the self altogether. Your real, new self (which is Christ's and also yours, and yours just because it is His) will not come as long as you are looking for it. It will come when you are looking for Him."

If we are the body - Casting Crowns (lyrics)

But if we are the body Why aren't His arms reaching? Why aren't His hands healing? Why aren't His words teaching? And if we are the body Why aren't His feet going? Why is His love not showing them there is a way? There is a way.

We are the Pirates who don't do anything (abridged)

Quarter of the creed done. Jess W picked me put around 2:00 went and did some at her place. Had tead, went to Amy S's for Veggie Tales night (YITS). Deciding what to go was all rather impromtu - figured we had nothing much better to do (than more essays). Will have to work hard tomorrow. Worth it though, to catch up with a few: Amy, Tracey, Jessmin, Clare, Erin, Jo and Nat. Apparently Dave had dropped in earlier - those who are doing the netball lost the first game. Plenty of chips, scones, coke. Too much coke - hence still awake. Watched four VeggieTales then we left. Thank you God for the friends reminder. I get in this stubborn mentality and refuse to work on what I've been given, wanting the outcome without the work, in so missing the journey, creating history, which really is a huge part of what it's all about. Help me work on that. Thinking about faith, interesting how all this (church crap) comes up. this situation and relating aspects. How the Personal Creed is very much about faith and belief. How I've been challenged with some of that lately. How I keep stumbling across books that I should be reading. "I pray that out of his glorious riches he may strengthen you with power through his Spirit in your inner being, so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith. And I pray that you, being rooted and established in love, may have power, together with all the saints, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ, and to know this love that surpasses knowledge that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God." (Ephesians 3:16-19)

Alternative (unabridged)

Tuesday morning. The only one at home. Sitting in the corner of the lounge with coffee, Bible, journal. Favourite place - or becoming so. Its windy outside which makes the shaddows from the light coming through the windows more interesting. Have to write Personal Creed today, but that can wait. I can choose my response to today. I'd rather it be less of a mess than the past few. Brining stuff back to God last night will have a large part in that response. I could distance myself from what's going on, let myself think continually through it or let it sit knowing God is in complete control - the better option. To go from here. Frustrated I vent frustrations on a few. Unfair not to listen first. I can't change that (past), but a mental note for next time. I'm sorry I do that. Can tell a little about God talk in some ways, when problems seem too much we take the first step of getting angry, pouring out dissatisfactions and fears and forgetting to stop. Get so caught up that we forget to listen when maybe that's some of what we should be doing first. Not to say don't bring it all to God. Raw emotion, exact problems, honesty of your situation. God wants to hear that. Just not taking the time to stop and be still. Words, be they said, thought, written are less important coming from you than from another. God knows it all anyway. What would it be like to approach a problem in reverse? I wonder if that's part of what happens when it is too hard to pray when you are forced to either (completely ignore God) or to read something. A Psalm, whatever. I don't know how true or how clearly I'd prescribe to doing it differently. Worth thinking about though, that and having the presence of mind in that kind of situation. Thankyou God for knowing me. Help me to lsiten to you and to others first. Keep honesty in place. Let me put you first in everything - including problems. ------------ Church stuff.... conversation with mum about more stuff. Meeting on Saturday will be going ahead, Vote if kicking the Roe's out was the right move. Yes I should go. Blah. I will vote YES and dont mind saying it, it wont change. Whatever the outcome, Dad, Mark, Geoff all resigning from leadership. Some staying so leadership isn't crawled over with the wrong people... much being handed over to another Bretho guy. We will be leaving WPC. I had already made that descision. Looks like some church hunting will be happening - as much as I hate the 'church shop' slogan, I guess I need to find somewhere that will work (both in getting there and fiting in). :) mum saying stuff about that ^ freedom to choose is nice. I dont have to go same place as them - wouldn't anyway unless I chose to. Intentionally getting annoyed and going out of my way to assert myself infront of her my have stuff to do with it. So yes, changes ahead. Prayer would be good.

Sunday, June 12, 2005

Yesterday

put in blog 13/6/05, written 12/6/05 A pity that a lot of this weekend’s conversations have come back to church and the multiple issues associated with that. A fantastic day nonetheless but I had to shove what I heard this morning aside and have left it until now to consider it further. Gut reaction. I have heard far more than I wanted to hear. Know possibly what I shouldn’t and am not entirely or at all glad to know it. Breakfast. Got talking to Long Van. It is curious when you are faced with a slightly different facet of the WPC story. An angle you aren’t entirely agreed upon, yet have to hear out. So she isn’t entirely satisfied with Geoff. Not quite up to ‘Keith’ standards. I think that is expecting too much. Not everyone is gifted with ‘pastoral care’. Pastors can operated effectively without a strong passion in that arena. Her concern was for the elderly people ‘that he hasn’t fully accommodated for them’. There may well be some aspects. Pleased she isn’t outright attacking him lets me question where Mark stands on this wants me to have a fuller picture of what dad thinks. No doubt, Geoff is a quality guy. My disquiet is not with that, instead far more on that she gave me the undisclosed information that Age has resigned (now disclosed/public). More than that, that she mentioned something about ....(removed)... Angry. She shouldn’t be talking about that. I don’t want to hear that, that is their business. She should know better, (removed). Unfortunate, but my respect for Long Van dropped a fair bit. You could pin the word ‘malicious gossip’ on it, which might be naming it a little harshly, maybe not. I was not impressed. Ah God. Why is it so hard, it hurts to hear this stuff. They’re calling a church meeting. That was the ‘last resort’ a week ago. Invite chaos to take reign. I don’t want to be there. Today. Aside from all the issues I managed to sideline. Conference session/s were interesting, a lot around the budget, pushing things forward. The most interesting thing has been observing people, their relationships with their spouse/partner and their kids. I really do work with some amazing people. I find Prableen and Harpreet an interesting couple. Time to observe an arranged marriage in it’s early throws. She can’t be more than a few years older than me. 22 maybe. What would it be like? Oh I wouldn’t want it. Prableen, I don’t know what to think. She looked lonely at one point; she obviously loves, or is ‘learning’ to love him… I guess you see her looking for response, which doesn’t always come. Jo and Hugh. They have such fun. Rachel and Phil. How I like seeing how that works. Rach is alive. Paul and Ange, how he left an apple (just secretly) at her spot on the table… she ate it completely unaware. Ian and Anne, her words make up for his silence. (:) Ian's great) Can’t say this hasn’t had me thinking about relationships. Because it has. Bad move in some ways, lonely. Well God. Interesting how the desire for a ‘one’ gets stronger, beyond just the factor of having a relationship. I guess I haven’t had much of an opportunity to watch young families interact (not since I was too young to care), interesting what you can glean from a bystander perspective. Team sports. Finally the ‘Round Robin’ came about effectively. Great fun! Green team. Scavenger hunt, fishing, volleyball rallies, bikes, croquet, the pool. We won. Only team that caught a fish. Not bad for 20mins. Chris got it, right as we were about to go. I succeeded in loosing the reel handle off my rod – I have no idea how. I looked down and it was just not there. Dinner. Not as heavy as last night. Still huge. Three courses. Three hours (or thereabouts). Gnocchi entrée thing however was a little strange. Nice though. Chicken main, with capsicum sauce, apple/berry crumble for desert; possibly the better menu. Bek and I sat with the ‘older’ kids. Zac D, Zac B, Heidi, Joshua, Levi and Rachel. They soon left. Dinner over. Bek and I managed to find DVD of Finding Neverland and took it back to the room. I love that movie. Not a clichéd ending. Moves me. Seen it once before – at the movies. And now. Big day God. A lot you need to have a lot of thought, a lot of want I am incapable to deal with on my own. More I need your help, to know you’re there. More to know of your plan for my life. More to understand that direction lies with you and I cannot possibly have all the answers, nor is it appropriate. God search me and know me. Know when I sit and when I rise, discern my thoughts. Know my going out and my coming in. Know me. I want to know you more.

Saturday, June 11, 2005

God controlled chaos

Also from the 11th (today the 13th) ------------- I do know that for all its luxuries, three course, three-hour amazing meals, ample accommodation and sweeping grounds this will not be the most remembered part. Oh the value and insight from some of the conferences, sure – great. But if this weekend amounted to nothing more than that conversation with Bek Smith then it was entirely worth it. Being both elders daughters our perspective on what has been going on a WPC has been, well to say, somewhat more enlightened than others. Our dissatisfaction is shared, what went or started long before any problems became evident. Our inability to articulate where things sit, is common ground. Frustration stemming, yes from the problems and from I guess the limits that have accumulated over the years. It’s as if certain good parts of our church drifted and got lost, or that the focus from the onset was wrong. To tell the truth, I really have no idea what happened when. I do know that it is terribly difficult to explain the situation outside of context and had you been there as a ‘member’ (and I put that in inverted commas for plenty of reasons) then you might be able to grasp it. Although I have talked and shared many of my concerns with Burkie, with Jas and a few others there has always been that once removed factor. Rebekah said she tried, even with her Mum, with Naomi, and Tracey but didn’t find what she felt was understanding. We somehow seem to be on the same wavelength. She expressed this huge relief about having being able to talk stuff through. Sharing frustrations, our angst over what’s going on in the tangled mess of ugly church politics, our sadness over the disunity, about Christians showing up to church and wearing ‘masks’ of good behavior and lying through their Sunday facade. Whatever I got out of it – more frustration about thinking about it more, I’m glad you were able to use me for Bek’s sake. It is hard to know where you cross the line between straight gossip and judgment where do you draw the line in talking about a very real issue, and where you should stop and cease speculating, attempting to fit the pieces you have of the story together. God I said that I’d rather know all or nothing. I guess it doesn’t matter. I know what I have heard and I’ve heard enough. I have a sincere disquiet about WPC. Oh God, its not what church is meant to be like. No community, all leadership debacles, no unity, all discord, no joy, all going through the motions. What is wrong God? How do I respond appropriately? When do I leave? When. It’s more a case of when now, then the straight YES or NO. Where is what follows. Both I need your input on. More than just your input, I need your ‘go’ before I do anything. Has that been given yet? God, you know the future of that place. I can only ask that you be there, and if it is your will to let it draw to a close peacefully, to take the stress from Mark’s, Murray’s, Anton’s, Dad’s shoulders. Be there tomorrow. Meet many, let many be willing and open to hearing you. Help them to listen God. That’s what Bek said, ‘they just don’t want to listen (to you)’. Thank you for Bek, thank you for the enormous blessing she’s been for me today. You are God and you are in control. Help Bek to remember that. Help me to remember that. Help us know you’re overseeing everything.

Muse

....back dating (it is actually the 13th today). Stonelea/business conference. Exceptional experience. Fairly interesting sessions. Given so much food. so... what I wrote (two seperate times on the 11th) I actually found it pretty hard to think through anything. Random musing below. ---------- It is interesting. Observing myself and my strong desire for solitude. How I can be completely content to be well, alone. Particularly when I can sit in front of some expanse or peaceful no, even busy aspect of life. This is where I am met. I came out with two initiatives. The first to work out all the stuff – to plan I suppose the rest of my holidays. The second to escape my frustration of not having a camera to capture the moment/the place, the peace and set out to actually experience it. God said something about that to me. I went for a walk and found people. The room is nice but no place when there is better outside. So I am sitting on the edge of this sweeping verandah with vines hanging beside me keeping me company. It is dusk. Some mountain across from me with an icing of cloud before the break where it is less dense and returning again to seamless cover. The stars wont come out tonight. Oh there are distractions. Cars passing ever so often. A noisy cow. Tennis balls. So I understand that I need practice in capturing the moment in words. What I want to do. To learn. To paint, to photograph with letters. Grey and green. Not depressing, The quiet when you listen to it is replaced with noise. Birds, cows. There is life. The poem… one line of it returned to me. I can’t remember anything but ‘the stillness’. It is not still. Is this one more cog in the wheel of finding a place. Discovering a bit more of who I am. Which in reality should be discovering a bit more of who you are. Interrupted. Moved inside. I wonder God about the discrepancies of my writing. How I flick from writing to a ‘mock’ audience, to writing for you, writing to remember, writing because of writing. Am I isolated. Yes. Do I do so intentionally. Yes. I like alone. I need you. Do I like alone so much because I haven’t found the company I yet want. Am I lonely. Not right now. Bigger picture, perhaps yes. But that time will come. For now. What do you want me to do? More so, how do I use this? What are my goals my dreams? Got stopped short during the discussion on ‘Harmonised Passions”. When the question was asked, who knows you so well that they can look into your life and tell you where you’ve well, hmm need to re-emphasise your time. What barriers do I have in friendships? I thought about it. Who knows me so well besides you God? There are those I spend YITS day’s with. Bar two of them I haven’t known them more than 5months. That’s not long enough. (and 3 days out of every 7 besides). Do the maths. Not long. Sam and Jess. Barriers there. Sister’s best friend. Friends like Burkie, that know maybe head processes, but cannot possibly give effective insight into actions – how time is spent, how I live, unless I articulate it in the first place. Aside from that. They are family – barriers there, self created, sanity created. Or they are overseas, or I see them seldom. This is what I am seeking to build with Katie and Jo. In reality. The friendship building ability of Rebecca. Absolutely sucks. Be it influenced by eternally moving, fear of commonality, fear of a place of being. Yes. Harsh truth of living elsewhere your whole life. Making friends you cannot keep in face to face contact on a regular basis. Once a year a miracle. And the year gap changes you so much that you essentially have to start from scratch again. Melancholy. Lord. Help me to be intentional. About friendships, writing, spending time with you, building relationships. Work in me. Grow me. Use me. I need you.

Friday, June 10, 2005

Until Monday

1hr and I'm heading off to a work conference... the long weekend up at Stonelea which is up Alexandra way. First time I dare say for me staying anywhere that isn't exactly 'cheap' accomodation. Don't have to share a room. Intend to enjoy myself, get that 'time' I'm so badly after. Thinking is high high on the priority list. Will have various work meeting things to attended as well as tomorrow afternoon's 'Round Robin' activity (ie: group/families activity from fishing to scavenger hunt, to volleyball) weather permitting. Weather does not look permitting. I'm apparently the 'green team' leader. Hohum. Rebekah Smith will be there. She's Em's age (16ish) which is good, as we've known the Smiths for a long time. Otherwise, work people and their families (be they married + children). Today, for sleeping in. Made it 11:00, bed til 11:40ish. Vivid dreams. Its if I've unleashed some creative monster in my brain. Haven't dreamt at all for ages and the past few days my head's come alive. Known and unknown characters. Out there dreams. Strange locations, strange themes. Interesting. Not funny, not terrifying. Much as an onlooker. Memorable. Breakfast. Spent some time sitting, worked out that past few days have revolved around me and not God and that is not good, spent time talking to God. Walked dog. Online. Spent ages looking for a non-existant bag to pack in and ended up with the Retravision one. Packed. Looking online again at MK stuff (or the severe shortage of it, will think about that and my other as yet empty blog re: that). Looked at various blogs. Found my way to NaNoWriMo by accident. Remember vaguely being told about it. Might think about doing it. Need to write more specifically. Checking if this image thing works again... This is accountabilty group (quite a bad photo of all us). Me, Katie, Jo. Now I'd better pack up this computer and go get dinner. No internet for 4 days. Should be good for me.

Thursday, June 09, 2005

Colourful mind

Such fun. my mind hasn't done this in ages. Run fantastically colourful tangents following every thought path and so reliving aspects of the day in a strangely inspired way. Complaints about Connex. Appoligies to the one I normally have this conversation with as you almost got a message however my inability to be bothered learning how to use the dictionary in my phone properly and hence slowish method of letter by letter hadn't quite spelled out my annoyance and thanks for your previous message, when the train started moving again. So I deleted the message before it was sent. My technology intrest has not yet breached the mobile gap. Ever moving as it is. Aside from the slight deviation of speed, the train home was exceptionally boring aside from a good hour of 'the Heart of Gold', follooping mattresses named Zem and 2 second whale realities (although thats been a few weeks now) aka. Hitchhikers (Guide to the Galaxy, the books following), there were boring passengers. One while still boring, annoyed me no end when she opens her dim-sim semblanced chicken and stunk out the carriage. I have no problem with others eating on the train, hence the flake I grabbed on the way out of work and the apple I ate, reminiscent of breakfast I ate, also on the train. But food that smells. Likened to profound 'why oh why' moments of when you sit next to a smoker or some nose blocked old lady drowning in perfume. No work tomorrow. Some stroke of pure loveliness. Don't get me wrong I like work, but I am half burnt and exceptionally in need of a holiday. When hearing it I could have gone hysterically mad crying from relief. But as that is a very unBec thing to do, I didn't. It is also a slight exaggeration. I could say it 'put a spring in my step' but I am too tired for that and for the moment that's oldfashioned. A smile is as close as I got to the former. Seeing as I am refering to methods of being unBec'ish I will complain about something girly, because it is a rare thing that I give it half a vocal thought. Skin. Much to do with my tendancy of getting absorbed in the book I'm reading, the window I'm staring out of or the faces I am observing while having my hand on my forehead, chin, cheek, you name it. Comparable to Saturn at the moment. Having been enlightened by the MX (some prototype of a newspaper) that Saturn's mysterious 'blue lakes' are actually closely related to ethane, and hence there just must be volcanoes below this swirlling mass of cloudy whatever and no such marvellous lakes afterall. Metaphorically. I shall have to hope that volcano likened pimples disappear under a swirlling mass of something esle. Again I exaggerate to the severity of the situation. Again I could blame this on Connex. Although travelling from point A to point B is a useful thing so I wont. Had some Switchfoot song trailing patterns in my head all day. I can't remember it now. Walking down Bridport St with one wet sock to return the majority of the addressed envelopes I found on the floor at work. Noticed that the Albert Park yuppieville has finally begun to show it's true self. Normality, eccentricity and the 'quirks' that inspire my mind. I like this place. In addition to my fabled orange door. There appeared a few doors up and multicoloured bench seat, each rung different to eachother, a plain quite nice terrace house was immediately transformed into something vastly more interesting. A door up from that was evidence of normality in the way of a very normal looking pair of dirty runners. Finding evidence of life aside from the traditional thursday manicurist patrons was pleasant. Saying thus, I am walking the street backwards. In reality, it was the shoes, then bench, then my door. I like drivers who wave you across so you don't have to wait any longer in the puddle you were already standing in. And now the wordsmithing streak has run fairly dry. I am not drunk. I have never been drunk. I have been thinking I would like to experience this, in that a friends theory determines that I would be a happy not angry drunk... and would say ridiculous things. If it is in anyway like the way I go when on cold and flu tablets it would certainly be the case. Experience, but externally. More for the aspect that I would like to see what I would say and hence get a better look at what's really going on in my head. Enough twisted logic I say! I do not want to get drunk. This is purely evidence of my extraverted quirk tainted mind.

Wednesday, June 08, 2005

Slowing

I'm realising as I went back just before to put up backlogged stuff that tiredness seriously affects writing style. Saying thus, I think I am getting sick and have been awake purely due to caffeine today. Letting words flow well, or playing round to get stuff sounding 'good' has simply been low on the priority list. Journal has resulted in head dump of what went on in the day. Be it emotionally loaded, thought inspired or whatever, I frankly couldn't care less. Last day of semester. If only I was not working tomorrow and friday... ah that would be nice : Good day. Apart from not being entirely with it. Actually no. Strange kind of detached me. Last day and I'd assume I'd desperately want to socialise as I wont be seeing people for 5 or so weeks, but no. I think I would have been completely content to be alone all day outside somewhere in the middle of nowhere... and that thought can be left there. It was fun though. Did our oral presentation first, as Jess was feeling sick and wanted to go home. Went alright. "What is Success?"... went better than some of the others, wasn't as good as some of the others. Middle of the range. Enjoyable one some of the guys did on 'why they are women' (Tilla saying to me, "poor boys, they're so naive" :P). Some of the girls did a 'why they are men'.... as Jess put it, rather 'left wing'. Enjoyed the one on 'choices' and Tracey's groups' one on 'depression'. BBQ lunch put on by Rowan, Jacqui, Marko and Tilla. Hamburgers (best kind of BBQ). Rowan was doing promo video/still stuff for YITS 2006. Some crazy group stuff of us singing, laughing being stupid etc... Apparently going to end up on the website. As are I guess lots of the photos taken in the past few days. Many by me. Rowan shoved camera at me this week (... he didn't know how desperate I am to get a camera at the moment haha :) has been nice, kind of) SLR digital. Some good ones (photos), lots of bad ones :P got it taken off me lots. ...half of the yits people's obsession with the game 'dodo'. Which I wont explain here. But involving saying dodo until your breath runs out. Being grabbed by a group of people and held to the ground. Looks alright. But yeh, maybe not. Have watched so far. Being no big physical contact person... hating being slammed to the floor for no exceptional reason, not exactly my idea of fun. Was rather antisocial today. Didn't mind. Crash and burn time of the year, I think I shutdown a day too soon. Will hopefully be alive enough for work conference this weekend. Prominent thing today. Funny how 'hugs' comes up, how I get the idea and I think I put forward that I don't like them. Which yes there are times (most of them) I don't, as mm. can find them as invading personal space. And people understand that, which is great; but other times, it would nice, very nice. Or to or sit and be quiet with someone comfortably. Thats what I missed today. What I wanted. Extension for Personal Creed. Thankful for sanity's sake. Stress levels dropped hugely. Was getting photos off Rowan, but I left my usb stick there, so will probably have to wait until camp. Ah well. Scanned a few off Katie the other day. May put them somewhere. www.yearintheson.org will/should soonish be updated, no doubt with new stuff. I need a holiday... more so, time, to read, to write, to pray, to think. To stop.

Tuesday, June 07, 2005

World Without the Crap (abridged)

Tired. But oh what a good Tuesday. Goodbye tedious Tuesday forever - maybe. Facinating Evangelism class. Best described - as I cannot be bothered completely reviewing, through some quotes I picked up. Minorly amusing looking at them because they tell little of the class. (on another note, this is what Tom wrote about Hyper Reality re: that class. How convienient!) continuing... "Human beings are (have become) human doings" - Darren "We are middleclass with upperclass taste." - Mark Sayers "There was a boxer who had a plan, then he got hit" - Mark S quoting someone and instead of a a wwjd type thing > heaven = wwtc i.e. "World without the crap" Much more from that class. Jesus mistaken as a gardener actually having a point > his (God's) continuation of the Genesis project, perfect environment for humans. So much stuff God. Strange how Evang. was the class in all of YITS that I was dreading the most - for some screwed up, naive reason and I ended up really enjoying and getting heaps out of it. This is your world, where your heart is (though I don't know why), and ours should lie. In people. Help me God to invest in others and to do my bit to 'grow' the kingdom of God. Be my voice, in my words, my lifestyle, my relationships. Old Testament test went well. Very glad that class is over. Afternoon break, so much fun. Photos - taking and being stupid. Laughing my guts out at what Jo said. Accountability was good. Do regret one thing. Got talking to Katie about Laura (sister) and John (probably future brother-in-law). Talk moved to long distant relationships. Anyway, K trying to grasp how it would possibly work, which is very understandable. In my inability to find words, placed it somewhat flippantly back to being used to moving around lots (call it 'brushing it off' if you will). Which, yeah is true. But I could have persisted a little more and tried to explain better - in so doing, may have shared a bit more about what it is like. That it's crap to have to do friendships that way. And to have treated her, I guess with a bit more.... hmm respect. ....more that I'm leaving unsaid. The God conversation aspect that doesn't need to be public.

Monday, June 06, 2005

Words (unabrided)

...actually typing this into here on the 8th but for backlog/record. I'll date it the date I wrote it. It is good God to enjoy you. I love seeing you drop things into place, showing where the next bit of the puzzle goes. Teaching me. Understanding how to get through to me. A fraction of surprise when in Creative Living Warwick starts talking about getting into the Bible as a spiritual discipline. There were given various hints and I intend to go back over them because there was some good stuff there, as yet I haven't employed a particular pattern - but then that hasn't ever seemed to work, it's when it (reading) gets stale and tedious. The important thing being to sit down and actually get into the word in the first place. Which I have restarted and should have never stopped. Anyway, Warwick was praying/asking us to think about which (spiritual discipline) was highlighted to us - that was pretty clear. Then in the middle of him praying I get the idea to look at Psalm 12. Figured I may as well. Ps 12:6 "And the words of the Lord are flawless, like silver refined in a furnace of clay, purified seven times. I was thinking about God's word... so yeah, is important when for instance you lack the words to pray. Really God's words are there in your face. Why not read? Then I read that verse and it jumped out to me, clear cut reminder. Tonight read Colossians 1:24-29. Colossians - where I re-started Bible reading for no apparent reason. Anyway, (part of) Paul's commission is to, "present to you the word of God in it's fullness." God you are remarkable, the little things so easy to brush over when you know the general gist of the chapter or book. Small reminders of how you are working and playing out a sincre reality in my life. Thank you.

Sunday, June 05, 2005

Fool

8:03pm - Bec finds modern creed in the front of her notes. ARGH!!! ------ Dear reader, Do comment once in awhile.

New day

Desparity... exaggeration. Tomorrow is a new day. Church was good... no further descriptive words. After announcement and none of the expected someone get up to protest, things went on normally, a better normal (which happens every now and then). Amanda did a good job leading. Lots of focus on Jesus - sermon included (funny that for a church). It was what was needed. My mind returned to what I read last night... Colossians 1:21-23 21Once you were alienated from God and were enemies in your minds because of your evil behavior. 22But now he has reconciled you by Christ's physical body through death to present you holy in his sight, without blemish and free from accusation— 23if you continue in your faith, established and firm, not moved from the hope held out in the gospel. This is the gospel that you heard and that has been proclaimed to every creature under heaven, and of which I, Paul, have become a servant. Anyway, sat or rather participated with a somewhat better attitude than yesterday's. Enough to say I even enjoyed myself - or rather, God. God reminding me of various stuff, thoughts in my head. Sense somewhat of community. Surprise surprise. Older guy... Ian Broadley (had to ask Nathania his name afterwards) started talking to us quite out of nowhere... mainly about workloads, YITS, uni etc... he asked about the Solomons, or rather the integration into the 'Australian Way of Life'.... funny that :) haven't been asked that in a long while. I got my act together this afternoon. Emailed Rowan for an extension for the Personal Creed. Hopefully my reasons are vaild enough. Wrote the Evangelism essay - which wasn't as hard, once I worked out what the topic was talking about... Study for Doctrine test tonight and tomorrow morning over Subway... save the oral presentation for our long 40min Monday breaks x2. Must bring computer. Is it enough to suggest things are a little more under control. :) for God. I actually found the PE essay kind of interesting. What of more I'd like to do, when feasible. The topic being: Incarnational Mission relating to evangelism. Hopefully okay for a cram session maybe didn't include enough practical examples. Read it if you like. -------------- Introduction Incarnational Mission plays a key role in evangelism. John 1:14 (NIV), tells that, “The Word became flesh and made his dwelling among us.” As Christians we are called to imitate the life of Jesus and by incorporating this action of the incarnate God into the act of mission, resulting in the concept of Incarnational Mission. This can be more clearly defined as, “The immersion in the life of Jesus rooted and growing in a particular context.” (Taylor, 2004) Simply put, Incarnational mission brings the concept of mission i.e. evangelism into the environment where it is most effective, amongst people in their typical culture. Incarnational Mission Mark Norridge states that, “Marshall McLuhan has famously said: “The medium is the message”, implying that the means of communicating the message contains a message itself. If this is indeed the case, then our efforts to communicate God’s love to God’s world can take no higher form than that which God Himself employed.” (Norridge, 2004) The ‘means’ taking the form of anything from; overseas missionary work, by which the ‘missionary’ is called to, temporarily adopt or understand another culture (Hesselgrave, 1982: 131) to the implementation of activities undertaken by many emerging or organic churches in getting involved in their community and employing a lifestyle both Christian and culture specific. By intentionally immersing yourself within a culture, be it modern, postmodern, western, international or other, you seek to meet the people on their level. Paul explains this well through his letter to the church at Corinth, “To the Jews I became like a Jew, to win the Jews… I have become all things to all men so that by all possible means I might save some.” (1 Cor 9:20-22 for full text see appendix) By seeking common ground, you can be effective salt and light (Matt 5:13) where there is a genuine need in a culture that will respond far better in their apathy to ‘Christ coming to them’, than the passive act of waiting for the outside world to come to our churches. Living out a lifestyle of this kind has implications for those involved, “Lifestyle and words go together. People notice that there is something different about us. They may put that down to our simply being nice people and Christians don’t have a monopoly on being nice! Unless we tell them why we’re different how will they know?” (Pollard, 1999: 77) So, despite Incarnational mission being, ‘to go out’ to the world in culturally appropriate ways, there needs to be words behind our motive so as to be able to adequately explain “why Christ”, and to be secure in the balance of being ‘in the world but not of the world.’ (Rom 12:2) However, “The picture Jesus paints for his disciples is to live life with one hand clasped in the hand of God and the other reaching out to serve the needs of others.” (Posterski, 1989: 148) (Mrk 10:42-45) there are numerous examples of this both through once off youth/congregational attempts and those that seek to live Incarnational Mission daily. Be it to visit the same café a given morning of the week and seek to build relationships with the workers and other regulars, or the more drastic step of living in an unfamiliar culture and learning the ways of another. Relationship is by far the most effective means of reaching others. Words are by no means the most effective way of communicating. Others will respond when they are both comfortable in a situation – this usually means a familiar environment, and have reached a point where they can trust the person they are listening too. A force fed measure of ‘Bible bashing’ will only make the individual on the other end resistant and will undoubtedly result in offence of an unwanted belief being shoved down their throat. By presenting a familiar lifestyle and not segregating through boundaries of foreign activity, the incarnational missionary has a far more effective means by which to live and share the truth. Conclusion By incorporating lifestyle into evangelistic approach, employing incarnational mission, we start placing the onus back on ourselves as Christians. Instead of our passive means of making church attractive to the world we create a situation that has relevance to outsiders. “It's not the church that has a mission; the mission has a church.” (Morris, 1994) and as part of this church we are called to be the salt and light of Matthew 15, and follow in the footsteps of Jesus by becoming involved in the world we are called to disciple. -------------

Saturday, June 04, 2005

For One (unabridged by choice)

To be utterly honest. Ah God. Bloody pride. Oh it's nice to write those words. I think them, don't say them, now written. See world see. And who cares. I see this, you see this and you know what's going on in my head anyway. Any of those who have blog link read at my discretion. I write what I want up there. They see what I allow. I'm frustrated. Stupid church crap. I don't want to go tomorrow. Read the letter. Not much I hadn't already picked up. Proud of dad, that he refused to read what was written about Geoff. And I suck. Because standing in the kitchen all I wanted was to hug him and I didn't because I don't. ...hearing him say "I just want to laugh for awhile." and going to sit infront of stupid funniest home videos. OK so maybe the stress carries across. Maybe because I've got stacks of stuff due and no time. Because I'm at a point where i don't know what to do about church.... I never signed that membership agreement. Yes that was intentional. Did I know that vague dissatisfaction then? When. To move. I want to move. Even if it wasn't having all the problems. And there I was, so cool, calm and collected in my mind. thinking. no. The 'disatisfaction with your church' wouldn't happen to me. YITS thing. They say it happens. and I standing above reason with external eyes. Decided no. Knowing all along that this started long before this year. God. You know what I need. Time, some miraculous resolution. The ability to not mentally go crazy. A reliance on you. I hate disunity. How can there not be people to blame. Why wont the world grow up and know you. Care. Work to a common goal. Live for one. That one not being themselves, or a disillustioned worthwhile other. Can't people stop trying to play heroes and let you be God. There is one faith, one hope, one baptism, one God and Father of all. Pull the plug on people's shallow mindedness. Take my frustration. Can I call on you as Judge, Father, God? Let me ask for mercy too, because I am no more blameless than any other.

How the week pans out

Not good. Can't find my 'modern creed' which we wrote in class about a month back, was so sure I had it. Need it for major Doctrine essay: Personal Creed. 2000wrds So much for having that done before monday. I can't start. Rowan did take photocopies. However... I have a Practical Evang. essay, and not enough info on the question to even start. A Doctrine test on Monday. An Old Testment test on Tuesday. A group presentation on Wednesday (the only one I am vaguely prepared for). Meeting at Subway $2 breakfast (yes thats right :P) w/ computers and group to finish that off tomorrow morning. All this needs to be done by Friday. All up: 2750 words, 2 tests, oral presentation. Friday afternoon, going on work Conference all weekend. Semester break. 5 beautiful free weeks! One camp. just to get through this week.

Friday, June 03, 2005

Untitled (unabridged)

Angry. I honestly don't care so much about the place, or sadly even many of the people. I have been letting slip ties for a while now. Any few that were ever there. Febuary's mess, resolved although not too gratefully to stick through what I did not fully understand and still don't. It is the same mess. Escalated and visible. Angry at the disunity. The crass nature so called Christian's show. Sad, yes, no. Not in the way many might be. It was time for me to move on. I haven't yet. Maybe this makes it easier. It doesn't make it right. I fail to understand how people can get into their heads the notion that they can bypass time, change. How they think that they can dictate all to suit their prerequisites. Push the 'other' out the window and watch smiling as it falls down down down. As long as that other is further from them, they don't care. They define church as the place and forget the people, forget God maybe. You can't buy CD's tailored to suit your ever chaning mood. Whose call is it to treat church the same way. Each individual stuck onto a background of their ever changing world. Each to their own equals each alone. Pick and mix doesn't work. It's mix and leave the pick to God. Church is not a building, but the people and disunity is the line slashing faint red lines between them. It is wrong to blame the people. To know there is one placing ideas in their heads. And right to confirm that there is one greater. To whom the purpose returns. And is.

Sunlight (unabridged)

I want to remember what I saw on the train last night. Because it was remarkable and I doubt I will experience anything quite like it - very frequently. The actual feeling can't be expressed very well, but there was something different. If I knew how to recreate it I would, over and over. Simply. A man and his little boy - who was probably about three got on the train. I would have normally not given them too much attention but after a while I looked up. They were deeply concentrated on eachother, the little boy was. The man was deaf and this wide eyed three year old was talking and signing, completely absorbed in his dad's face. What struck me more was when I looked around at the assortmetn of others who were intrigued by the interaction. A middle eastern guy standing behind them, above them, an anglo younger guy sitting across the aisle, an asian student, another paint splattered worker an older lady beside/behind them, the young lady to their left, those sitting opposite them, me. There was no hostile or cold staring environment. Absolute delight written across people's faces. As if they'd caught this rare moment of light. All watching, unobtrusively. Aware that others had caught the moment. Not caring. Smiling. God, our love should be like that. I want to be completely absorbed in you. I want also to be an onlooker in others lives, to experience that joy in their focus on you. Unity in the commonality of something beautiful. Wonder at childlike facination. Saturated in a moment of how things should be. To love like that. To live like that.

Augustine Bishop of Hippo

If you have every vaguely wondered about Augustine (for some strange reason)... I did. After I heard the Switchfoot song Something More... yes, Emily laughed at me when I said that so I decided to write my Christian History essay on him, just to find out a bit more. A decision I fractionally regret as it was painfully slow. Consequently I found out rather a lot, namely that he's a highly complicated kind of person with wacked out ideas, some really good ones and that Cert IV (to play down and incoporate Educational standards in to this one sided conversation) students shouldn't bother researching him as it requires far too much effort. So instead of reading a biography three books deep you can just read my essay, but only if you are vaguely interested... (qu. should I post this kind of stuff on the web, or am I opening it for plagarism?? Very aware that although this site is not opensourced... could be found via some buried search engine link. So I guess I'll just go through and remove various bibliographical details, that will at least make it painful (or is that plagarism on my behalf?). Dont copy work, it's stealing). 1580words --------------- Introduction Aurelius Augustine (354-430) known also as Augustine of Hippo has been aptly named as an ‘early church father’, his ideas and writings have had significant impact on the Christian world. Augustine has been influential both historically and theologically. His books have touched a complete range of doctrinal questions and his ability to provoke has encouraged a greater development of the collective Christian mind. Augustine Bishop of Hippo Augustine’s Life Born in North Africa (354) to a pagan father and a Christian mother, Augustine’s life reflected his upbringing, he had a double-sided nature and felt both a deep sense of sin and a profound sense of God’s grace. (Bull, 1967: 227) Augustine had a mistress and a child by the time he was eighteen, became proficient in rhetoric and moved into academic circles in Milan. While walking alone in a garden, Augustine had a conversion experience, where he heard a child’s voice instructing him to read. Augustine found a Bible on a nearby seat and opened it at Romans 13:13-14. From this point on in his life, Augustine has provided answers to the world. His philosophy has played a major role in the foundations of Christendom. (Shelly, 1995: 125) A chief influence in Augustine’s life was Bishop Ambrose. From Ambrose, Augustine discovered that Christianity could be both eloquent and intelligent (Shelly, 1995: 126) After a reluctant ordination as a priest and his return to North Africa, Augustine was selected by Bishop Valerius as an assistant. Augustine became his successor as the Bishop of Hippo until his death on the 28th August 430. Two Kingdoms As the Bishop of Hippo, Augustine had great exposure to both church and state issues. His philosophical formation of ideas about two kingdoms led him to write ‘The City of God’ which has been called a “philosophy of human history” (Bull, 1967: 232) Augustine did not despise Rome or the ‘earthly city’, and declared that both the church and state should serve God. Although never stated explicitly, Augustine implied the identification of the city of God with the church, and the city of the world with the state; this was critiqued by Reinhold Niebur for “assuming that the church as an historical institution can never become a vehicle of evil and never really stands under the judgment of God.” (Bloesch, 1978: 136) In regards to Augustine’s significance, a theory has been put forward that the practical nature of Augustine’s writings is due to his historical era mirroring our own. Augustine supplied answers for those in his own time, an explanation for the destruction of Rome providing hope to those around him. His response to “the moral and theological concerns of a world racked by pillage and destruction, random and chaotic violence… attempts to answer the question of innocent suffering”. (McPherson, 2000) this question is just as relevant today, and authors and theologians go back to his work to gain perspective and insight. Sin and Salvation Just as suffering was a common theme in the lives of those in the 400’s so was sin. Augustine’s struggles with sin were mostly that of relating to sex and women. He had a profound self-awareness that this was his downfall, books such as, Confessions and The City of God carried a negative approach to both sexuality and women, this, “was passed on to generations of Christians, making them uneasy about what Augustine called their ‘lower appetites’.” (Guthridge, 1999: 51) Many copies of Augustine’s books have had their anti-feministic parts edited from them, although examples still exist such as, ““What is the difference – [Augustine] wrote to a friend – whether it is in a wife or a mother, it is still Eve the temptress that we must beware of in any woman” (Guthridge, 1999: 51). This legacy has tainted many of Augustine’s works although they are far outweighed by the many documented scriptually based insights. The deep sense of sin felt by Augustine was contradicted harshly by Pelagius a British monk. Their views differed greatly in that Pelagius saw sin as a bad example set by Adam, and Augustine defined sin being an instinctive nature, human’s being powerless to their will and that “God’s grace must come first in living the good life, as well as in assisting it.” (Bull, 1967: 234) Augustine rejected the idea that, “God created evil as a full-fledged malignant principle. The human person, from free will, commits a sin and partakes of that death we name evil.” (Elshtain, 1998) Augustine’s view of human imperfections in dictating our motivations opposed the monastic structures of the time and Anti-Pelagian literature was penned to condemn the current perspective of sin and the implications for predestination. Today’s doctrine of sin has found its origin within Augustine’s principles, although many Christians have had difficulty accepting his position of complete human helplessness. Augustine’s emphasis is on salvation through grace however he also places extreme significance on the sacraments. Baptism is a regeneration of grace (Shelly, 1995: 130) and both faith and baptism are necessary for salvation (Bloesch, 1978: 214). From this stems Augustine’s concern for unbaptised infants. This disquiet is expressed in many of today’s denominations and their conviction of infantile baptism. Historical Influence Augustine believed in eternal torment for any who chose to reject Christ. Well-known Reformers with similar views have solidified his perception of Heaven and Hell. E.g. Martin Luther held a similar position on “heaven and hell as the outcome of divine foreordination.” (Bloesch, 1978: 215) Throughout history, renowned individuals have used and recommended Augustine’s work. Names such as Alcuin from the court of Charlemagne advised the use his book, De Catechizandis Rudibus ‘On Catching the Uninstructed’ in aid of evangelism. Others such as Martin of Braga and Primin drew on Augustine’s work for insight into the Christian life. (Fletcher, 1998: 222, 235) Mission Augustine’s book Confessions has been described as; ‘the greatest work of spiritual autobiography ever written’ (Fletcher, 1998: 28) from this, and other works, a theology of mission can be constructed. His firm conviction that the end of the world was near drove him to formulate his ideas of citizenship in heaven, Augustine recites, ‘so long as he is in this mortal body, he is a peregrinus (stranger/exile/pilgrim) in a foreign land’ (Fletcher, 1998: 30) and led him to write eschatological books such as, De Fine Saeculi (On the End of the World). Despite confirming the urgency of preaching the gospel to the world, Augustine misconstrue or rather did not follow through the logical nature of Romans 10:14-15. This misunderstanding can be defined by Augustine’s younger contemporary – Prosper of Aquitaine as, divine grace alone can bring about conversion and if humans set about on mission we are interfering with its workings. (Fletcher, 1998: 32) Augustine stressed that we must believe before we can understand. Divine grace is irresistible and the issue between free will and determinism will continually in Christian circles be a point of dissent. (Bull, 1967: 235) Augustine’s emphasis upon divine grace may have clouded his view upon mission. However, this ‘clouded view’ in light of the modern church’s implications on mission across the world served a purpose in elaborating Augustine’s position as not only the Father of the church in the west, but also as a significant influence on the East. The interest of the eastern Church was the nature of God, the divinity of Jesus and the escape of the soul to God, where in the west it was the nature of man and God’s work in man through grace. (Bull, 1967: 233). War and Peace As a bishop in a time of many church divisions, Augustine was confronted with the Donatist controversy. His rejection of Donatist theologies of a ‘pure church’ and his support for the Catholic Church presented him with the concern of the use of force in a religious situation. (Shelly, 1995: 128) Augustine’s views on war have shaped and led to the justification of many leadership concerns in the Christian world. Augustine established that although war is neither desirable nor advised, if it is the means by which to ensure peace it is permissible, however, “War is and must remain a cautionary tale, not an incautious and reckless call to arms. For peace is a great good…nothing better can be found.” (Elshtain, 1998) Conclusion The hundreds of theories and theological ideas that Augustine has offered to the world have presented him as one of the greatest theologians of all time. His books are both doctrinal and devotional; they explore the nature of God, morals, human ethics, sin, grace and history. (McPherson, 2000) His arguments are Biblically based and formed; the volume and variety of works is enormous. Augustine has left a profound legacy to the world. --------------- ...Incase you were wondering, this research did not help me one bit in relating Augustine's life to the Switchfoot song - I should probably go back and listen to it again, however I did get a fairly good mark. :)

Wednesday, June 01, 2005

Top books

Mum got top 100 books (Vic Librarian choice) list. interesting to see which of these I've read, will list ranking for interests sake. 1. The Lord of the Rings 2. Pride and Prejudice (ok not read, seen movie) 3. To Kill a Mockingbird 9. Harry Potter and the Philosopher's Stone 10. The Poisonwood Bible - Barbara Kingsolver everyone should read this, facinating 14. Tomorrow, When the War Began - John Marsden 15. Picnic at Hanging Rock - Joan Lindsay movie music creeps me out... plain wierd 17. 1984 - George Orwell 18. Hitchikers Guide to the Galaxy 20. Jane Eyre - Charlotte Bronte facinating, eerie, read it 23. Year of Wonders - Geraldine Brooks only read about 1/4 got stuck 29. Anne of Green Gables 50. Sun on the Stubble - Colin Thiele 53. The Bible 56. Playing Beatie Bow - Ruth Park 75. The Wizard of Earthsea - Ursula Le Guin 78. Little House ont he Prairie - Laura Ingalls Wilder 92. The King of Torts - John Grisham And that is it. Quite a few from that list. Haven't read novels and stuff in a long time it seems. All spaced out 3hour chunks while on the train. At the moment, being the books following Hitchikers Guide to the Galaxy. Restaurant at the End of the Universe. Essentially. My top would include (despite a few listed above, LOTR, Poisonwood Bible, Jane Eyre, Tomorrow When the War Began series) Swords and Crowns and Rings - Ruth Park (anything by her) Dreams of Love and Modest Glory - Joan Lingard The Hobbit - JRR Tolkein The Touch/The Thorn Birds/An Indecent Obsession... - Colleen McCullough The Giver - Lois Lowry non fiction:- Authentic Beauty - Leslie Ludy 31 Girl - Mary Simpson When God Writes Your Love Story - Eric and Leslie Ludy Enjoying God -... by someone, and I can't find it anymore :( I'm sure there are more, but I've had enough of thinking for now. I need to read some more. I feel deprived.

First (unabridged)

The first of June. The first day of winter. Would I say things are normal, are satisfactory? That the word peace applies to my live. No not in it's entirity. Yet the fragments are begining to settle. I am in a more secure place than where I was. Complacency I don't want. I don't mind temporary satisfaction with limited thought. But no, I don't think I've stopped exploring areas of growth, just perhaps God's bringing a slow down capacity to it. It's all very good to have your world flipped on end for a while, to be shaken and stretched. I guess as humans we have our limits as to what we can take (maybe even the good/growth). I'm sure God understands what we can take in and learn before the stretching reaches the uncomfortable (beyond the learning uncomfortable). I have torture instrument images in my head, ha, but I think that's a bit violent. Can I equate 'peace' with busy? Yes. I have way too much to do before the end of semester, there are so many other things I can, or would rather be doing. Peace in the fact that, I am beginning to be vastly more comfortable in being myself around YITS people. There is a certain level of trust there now. That they'll accept you for who you are. It's not to say I am impressed with everyone. __ in particular. Help me to love her. To see past her attitudes, conversation topics.... The 'slow down'. The temporary, or different perspective on self evaluation. To drop that and let it lie where it falls. To relearn the concept of knowing God and not being intentional in moulding self (to some extent). The Bible study thing came up. Reading again. Thank you God for the ways you've reminded me. Started back last night. Realised how much I miss it. Be my motivation. Be first.

Crossing post/modernism

While I have it on hand.... interesting excerpt from book: More Ready than you Realize (Brian McLaren) p.75-76 Why I should put more effort into reading, remind myself that I like being challenged, keep up that habit I let slide. Started reading intentionally last night, realised how much I'd missed it. Prayer for keeping it up would be good. ------------ We are used to people writing for us. Newspapers and popular magazines pitch at an eighth grade reading level, easy for all of us. Textbooks are generally written not only by knowledgeable people, but by skilled educators who pay attention to our learning styes, attention spans, and format prefrerences. Popular novels (the ones most of us read, if we read them at all) are written to be popular, and that means easy for us, accesible to us. We assume, if the Bible is in any way inspired, that the Holy Spirit would be so kind and considerate as to similarily gear it exclusively to us. Reasonable enough... at first glance. But think again. If the Bible were written for twenty-first century readers, how would it have come across to its original hearers in the sixth century BC or eight century AD?... And assuming the world is still spinning, how would a style and form targeted on a twenty-first centruy demographic cohort feel for advanced readers in the twenty-ninth century? It is hard for us, spoiled as we are by being marketing targest, but the Bible askes us to rise above our narrow parochial tastes. It asks us to learn, to understand, to imaginatively enter an alien geography... alien cultures... and social structures. It asks us to stop absolutizing our perspective and, instead, to see our modern or postmodern view points simply as views from a point - limited, contingent, changing, not privileged. In so doing, the very form of the Bible begins teaching us something about humility and perspective.