Muse

....back dating (it is actually the 13th today). Stonelea/business conference. Exceptional experience. Fairly interesting sessions. Given so much food. so... what I wrote (two seperate times on the 11th) I actually found it pretty hard to think through anything. Random musing below. ---------- It is interesting. Observing myself and my strong desire for solitude. How I can be completely content to be well, alone. Particularly when I can sit in front of some expanse or peaceful no, even busy aspect of life. This is where I am met. I came out with two initiatives. The first to work out all the stuff – to plan I suppose the rest of my holidays. The second to escape my frustration of not having a camera to capture the moment/the place, the peace and set out to actually experience it. God said something about that to me. I went for a walk and found people. The room is nice but no place when there is better outside. So I am sitting on the edge of this sweeping verandah with vines hanging beside me keeping me company. It is dusk. Some mountain across from me with an icing of cloud before the break where it is less dense and returning again to seamless cover. The stars wont come out tonight. Oh there are distractions. Cars passing ever so often. A noisy cow. Tennis balls. So I understand that I need practice in capturing the moment in words. What I want to do. To learn. To paint, to photograph with letters. Grey and green. Not depressing, The quiet when you listen to it is replaced with noise. Birds, cows. There is life. The poem… one line of it returned to me. I can’t remember anything but ‘the stillness’. It is not still. Is this one more cog in the wheel of finding a place. Discovering a bit more of who I am. Which in reality should be discovering a bit more of who you are. Interrupted. Moved inside. I wonder God about the discrepancies of my writing. How I flick from writing to a ‘mock’ audience, to writing for you, writing to remember, writing because of writing. Am I isolated. Yes. Do I do so intentionally. Yes. I like alone. I need you. Do I like alone so much because I haven’t found the company I yet want. Am I lonely. Not right now. Bigger picture, perhaps yes. But that time will come. For now. What do you want me to do? More so, how do I use this? What are my goals my dreams? Got stopped short during the discussion on ‘Harmonised Passions”. When the question was asked, who knows you so well that they can look into your life and tell you where you’ve well, hmm need to re-emphasise your time. What barriers do I have in friendships? I thought about it. Who knows me so well besides you God? There are those I spend YITS day’s with. Bar two of them I haven’t known them more than 5months. That’s not long enough. (and 3 days out of every 7 besides). Do the maths. Not long. Sam and Jess. Barriers there. Sister’s best friend. Friends like Burkie, that know maybe head processes, but cannot possibly give effective insight into actions – how time is spent, how I live, unless I articulate it in the first place. Aside from that. They are family – barriers there, self created, sanity created. Or they are overseas, or I see them seldom. This is what I am seeking to build with Katie and Jo. In reality. The friendship building ability of Rebecca. Absolutely sucks. Be it influenced by eternally moving, fear of commonality, fear of a place of being. Yes. Harsh truth of living elsewhere your whole life. Making friends you cannot keep in face to face contact on a regular basis. Once a year a miracle. And the year gap changes you so much that you essentially have to start from scratch again. Melancholy. Lord. Help me to be intentional. About friendships, writing, spending time with you, building relationships. Work in me. Grow me. Use me. I need you.