Bored and hot

Hurrah! The best character of all... You scored as Elizabeth Bennet. As one of Austen's most beloved characters, Elizabeth Bennet represents what most women would like to become: strong, independent, and loyal. Of course, she has her faults including a stubborn will of iron and a clinging to first impressions. Overall, Lizzie is bright and lovable...something to admire and aspire to. Elizabeth Bennet 63% Elinor Dashwood 63% Emma Woodhouse 44% Jane Bennet 41% Charlotte Lucas 41% Lady Catherine 28% Marianne Dashwood 28% Which Jane Austen Character are You?
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Narnia

Not entirely sure why it spat out the Peter picture instead of the Susan picture as they were equal (I also don't think the brave thing on the picture is very true), however as I'm wasting time before work, and I've just seen the movie and am re-reading the books (Lion the Witch and the Wardrobe atm)- why not. You scored as Peter Pevensie Susan Pevensie 60% Peter Pevensie 60% Aslan 57% Lucy Pevensie 56% Oreius 53% Edmund Pevensie 50% Mr. Beaver 47% Mrs. Beaver 40% Mr. Tumnus 40% Ginarrbrik 23% The White Witch 23% Which Chronicles of Narnia character are you most like? created with QuizFarm.com

How do I look in your eyes

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Intentional horror over spending habits

Last November for some strange reason I started keep all of my recipts, every single one, including those you get when you visit an atm. I had no real reason at the time, but slowly it evolved and the decision was made to one day pull them out and count them, to thus shame myself into buying less. Now, I really don't buy too much (so I thought) and I tend to stick to things I actually need. Although need is an extremely lose definition and you can easily lie to yourself about needs and wants. To not make myself sound absolutely terrible, amongst these recipts were a good lot of things I did have to pay for, text books, presents and well the unavoidables, metcards etc... So three numbers that have come up, in order to digust myself, the first I can't do much about and entirely depended on whether I bought 5x/month/day/2hrly metcards: There are 36 of those, one was sent to someone, one is still in my wallet and I'm fairly positive I've lost/thrown out a fair few. Not so bad - they are 'necessaries'. I pulled all of the recipts I could find out and counted them. I have been to ATM's no less than 71 times between last November and now. I can justify that slightly as I tend not to ever get very much money out at once, specifically so I don't spend it, but thats still WAY too many times. I had 116 other recipts. How shameful. I really need to curb the buying - I mean that doesn't include anything coffee/lunch related. So, Bec the miser? Not so miserly perhaps... Take the time to disgrace yourself once in a while, might do you some good. I shall be watching myself far more closely now (New Years resolution?)

While I sit here

Just quickly while I remember - and Im not staying on this wretched computer much longer its far too hot to be typing. Just home from work, and there were a few, well I suppose you could call them 'delightful' (gag) experiences worth remembering. The first was a woman and her son who was probably about 4, bragging about who loved each one more. "I love you more" (mum), "I love you more and more and more" (little boy). I walked around the corner and there's the dad pushing a pram and had the most massive smile on his face - I think my face was a little the same. What flashed through my mind was 'ideal family status' or some blah like that. But really, it would be so nice... The second was two little kids (about 3) playing/laughing at eachother outside the front of the shop. An african boy and an anglo boy. People should learn the laws of humanity from children. Some more weird graffiti: "Doorbells are tempramental" And the last, waiting for the bus, an old guy who was nearly dying of a coughing fit one side of me and another on the other side. I dare say it looked pretty comical.

Check out, your spelling

After reading a couple of new blogs, I came back to this one to give a critical eye on what my posts have been like lately. BORING. My photography likewise. I have been exclusively recounting my day-to-day experiences or shoving song lyrics in your face. My grammar has gone downhill, I no longer so much as read twice through each post and my spelling is shot, thanks to the overuse of msn. The internet degrades language almost faster than a Babysitters Club book. Which reminds me of the book I've left half read (Death Sentence) which is a whole however many pages devoted to a rant about the demolished state of English. KISS, keep it simple stupid - or at least use things correctly/creatively, it applies to more than just multimedia. I might as well cut slithers of this past few weeks posts and throw them into the air - off a bridge, a cliff or the Rialto. They would not be missed. I love words, writing (most of the time) and a good read. Why shouldn't I give you some of that? You might think I'm being too critical, you might think this blog is wonderful (cough/gag)- spare me your flattery, I'm not impressed with it at the moment, so neither should you be. I find that when I go to a blog, what grabs me far more than the show and tell of a day is the writer's observations and thoughts, ideas and theories on broader concepts specifically those relevant to me. For example, if I chose to talk about catching some guy checking me out (like I did today). I should probably further elaborate on similar incidents, general questions and in some way try to vaguely intice you to leave a comment or three. So, I would/should talk about how Sam and I laugh at this, as almost without fail whenever we go somewhere, someone (some guy) always seems to honk their car horn or similar and our debate over 'which one of us it is', her descision that it is me, mine her, our differnt reactions - she laughs, I get annoyed. It really is disconcerting. And then, what questions that raises in me. As it never fails to surprise me. To be utterly honest, I don't think of myself as anything particularly more than average. Oh, sometimes I have a 'pretty day', more often it's not. Females don't entirely fail to understand what makes them attractive, but things like, 'She has to have some mystery about her' (which I've heard numerous places), to be honest, I don't have a clue what guys on about. Anyone care to explain? My self esteem is not shattered, I don't think its actually too bad at all. I am however far too grounded in reality, comparitive thinking and the knowing that I am not one of the 7 out of billion women in the world that is supermodelish. I understand why Sam thinks its funny and secretly likes it (was that meant to be secret Sam?) as it's flattering in an odd perverse way - I still hate it. I think we all (females) want to be seen as beautiful (more than just skin deep), want to be wanted, fully accepted etc. I am not surprised at all why many girls do the whole makeup thing. Guy's you'd do well to learn how to pay effective 'non-sleasy, non-pick up line' compliments, that go further than just skin deep (but NB, do not exclude it entirely). After saying all that and getting throughly sidelined, I don't think there is anything particularly wrong with retelling what I spent my day doing. I think however, that there are far more interesting and creative ways to present it other then just, "I did this and this and this and then this." This post feels slightly robotic, but do remind me take a bit more care when the writing gets sloppy and boring. Please by all means, pick me up on words that start getting overused in my vocabularly. Words like indeed, rather and perhaps. They have their place but too much is too much. Today I did this: -Did not sleep in -Went to the Mellows (after dad finally found the lost car keys) -Laughed heaps -Came home and slept which is a massive rarity -Found and read this blog after being utterly surprised it is by 16yr old (Melbournite), and even more surprised that he gets the 96 tram - I am fairly confident I've even seen him a couple of times before, his face is distinctive. -Have a decent headache -Enjoyed my dog walking - honestly -Wrote this blog

Photo Christmas

So, I put some photos up on flickr and am contemplating what I should dump up here. The vast majority could bore you to tears (as they did me). But I suppose, Dad's side of Christmas stuff looks a bit like this: Mum's side: hardly captures it at all. and some other photos to keep you amused (or you can just go to flickr or whatever) and this one of me, which doesnt really look like me

Random Facts

For you Katie - another random facts post: Best jelly bean flavour: Black (or jellybelly ones: cherry, pear and pink grapefruit) Worst jelly bean flavour: Purple (oh the horribles of getting the two mixed up, it's an easy thing to do) Favourite salad dressing: French Salad: Iceberg lettuce (I could eat a mountain of it, I think it pretty much just consists of water - maybe a bit of chlorophyll) No fail barbeque must include: Hamburgers, Tomato sauce Variety of (once owned pets): guniea pigs, budgie, cat + kittens, lizards (skinks and gekkos), snakes, chickens, snails, slugs, ants, bettles/bugs, hercules moth (that lived in a coke bottle -somehow, don't ask me, I can't work it out), hermit crabs, mice, parrot (yellow-bibbed lorrie), clown-fish (other tropical fish), goldfish, dogs... we never quite got a cuscus (which is a type of opossum thing, more in PNG than the Solomons) must to my dismay. Favourite kiddish past-times: marble tracks, leggo, sylvanians (probably Barbies at one stage), chopping up magazines and making family things with them, dressups (somehow always ended up playing the boy), planning houses (drawing out plans), mud towns, kick the can, running away from little sisters, codes, clubs, treehouses, secret languages, boys and girls teams (a SITAG thing). Favourite now-times: reading, gush, blogging/reading blogs, msn, photography, cafe'ing it with friends, breakfast spent lesuirely outside, with music, food, God time and absolutely no interuptions, sleep, movies that make me think... and the rare walking of the dog when I really feel like it. Current music on the playlist: The Shins, Frou Frou, Zero 7, Iron and Wine, Xavier Rudd, Coldplay, Pete Murray, Simon and Garfunkel, R.E.M, Keane, Goo Goo Dolls, Jack Johnson. (some of which I've only ever heard one or two of their songs). Different ways that people say they are just looking in a bookshop: Browsing, looking, rummaging, thinking, cruising, I'm looking/waiting for my wife... (and oh how I wish I'd written them down earlier, some people get quite creative). Best toilets for creative graffiti: the downstairs ones from work, near BiLo. Most loyal customer to: Morrisons (cafe), Mrs. Fields, Gloria Jeans, Koorong, Tempt/Valleygirl, Target. What I buy most of: music, coffee What I have to continually stop myself buying: notebooks/journals Best chocolate: Ferrero Rochers (and the white ones too) Best icecream (not a big fan all up really): choc-mint, or actually gellati (lemon and pink grapefruit) On the 'to buy' list (eventually): Car (licence etc), new 512/1gb SD card, stuff to one day move out (I like the idea of being vaguely prepared), work shoes, printer, badges, external hard-drive, wireless point thing (if dad wont), more cds, photoshop... On the 'to buy' list (that I don't really need just now): Car (licence etc), new 512/1gb SD card, stuff to one day move out (I like the idea of being vaguely prepared), badges, printer, external hard-drive, wireless point thing (if dad wont), more cds, photoshop... On the 'to buy' list (that I do actually need): work shoes Favourite song of the past week: Iris (Goo Goo Dolls) - a rediscovery Great realisation of the day: people on busses are so much less interesting than those on trains. Last thing 'most pleased about': being honest/direct with someone and the resultant clarity in communication. What I haven't done in ages: put photos online (shall get to doing that maybe later), used spare time productively

Goes like a zyrtec

"It goes like a zyrtec" (and here's where I don't know if I even spelt it properly), but the zyrtec sure has worn off. I had the unfortunate fortune of standing on a bee yesterday. I think I have quite a decent pain tolerance and it was only so much as an, "Ow", a glare at my dog and a hop back inside to run it under water. It's not as if I haven't been stung before, but Mum did her doctory thing anyway and gave me something. Why be so blah de blah about a bee sting? That would be the niceness of having a blog and some spare time. So, post-bee I felt relatively sick through the first bit of seeing Narnia. So it was probably a good thing that mum gave a zyrtec thing. I think it's bees that die after they sting you...? Today, my toe (third from the big toe end and third from the little toe end) has finally decided to swell up and the expected/dreaded itch of a bee-sting. That's it for me with barefooting the lawn this summer. Work wasn't so great today. I suppose you have to have those days sometimes where you just keep getting things a bit wrong - don't know what to do or just have generally average customers. Poor Grace, I was glad of her patience, don't know how many questions I asked her. I can now eaisly return your book. But be kind and don't pay with multiple gift cards - it takes forever. What possesses people to use $1.00 on one card and $30.00 on the other?! Yes, so new forms to learn (which I haven't yet), 20% sale tricks etc... Dymocks really could use a computer system upgrade (and a uniform upgrade - No, Tilla you aren't reading this, hohum). Nearly missed the bus this morning, I was at first late, (so went to the main street bus stop) then the timetable lied to me, so I was sitting fiddling w/ my mp3 player or something and not paying attention. The stop is on a corner and you can hardly see anyone if they are sitting in the shelter. I've had busses go right past me there before. Thankfully this one did. It's sit down and breathe Rebecca. Killed some pre-work time re-buying the top that got shrunk yesterday. I was really annoyed about that. Someone put it in the washing machine... it's short now (Em might buy it off me :) the nice thing, she offered, I should just give it to her). They didn't have a Medium, the Small wasn't much different so I got that. I wouldn't normally go out of my way again if it was wrecked as easily as last time - but I did. I like it. Then found my way into BiLo to get some lunch and stuff. I forgot I was only working 5hrs so would only get a short break. Bought some apples (which are sitting on my bed now) and some hommus. Had a looksee at Bakers Delight for some bread. I think now I need to research bread types. I bought this Pane something or other... not exactly easy to pull apart. Quite rock like infact. The Hungarian whatever I had the other day was much nicer despite the mess it made. I have a bit of free time this coming week, would be good to catch up with some of you. Working Friday and Saturday and then free until Wednesday (and I don't know after that). I also hope to catch up on some sleep, its been I think about 13hrs in the last 48. I realised just how wrecked I was while walking Job. Came home and sat on my beanbag, read some, ate some more of the Christmas chocolate stash and came very close to falling asleep. It was nice. Stopping is something I haven't done in a quite a while. :\ which is somewhat parallel to how things have been in 'doing the God thing' - intentionality and all that. Please send me to bed at a decent hour tonight.

Figuring out Rebecca

Part of me should be raving about the Narnia movie, for that was the best thing of today.But the best things don’t stand out, other things do. I do not know why I feel the way I do at the moment, a bit lost, a lot lonely. The same as last night. I am at the worst overtired, although I don’t feel it. I did know after too many hours of shopping, standing on a bee and finding that my favourite top (new one) had been put in the washing machine and had thereby shrunk, feeling sick through the start of the movie post-bee sting, that I’d had enough. I forgot for a while, swallowing the monstorous whole of Narnia, awed by C.S Lewis’ translation of one story into another. Then reality resurfaced and gasped for breath in a sink full of water and dishes. If my room reflects some of what is inside, then it is a testimony to readily accumulating mess. I am sad without being sad. I was thinking the other day about something Sam said to me on msn, when I mentioned a song, it being: cool, laid back and weird. She said, “Hey Bec, that’s like you”. I’m fairly sure the ‘cool’ bit is entirely subjective, or objective (or whichever you choose), weird – yes, but laid back? When did that happen? Analise replyed to the twins things, "Laura is more subdued then Bec is, and takes things as they come." Wrong. Laura avoids conflict at all costs, but I'm the adaptable, take things as they come person. Laura is more subdued and I seem to have squashing myself in to a somewhat similar position the last while. Nothing bothers me anymore, my fingerclick annoyance my ‘buttons’ hardly seem to exist. I can wait around for something without getting impatient, I am so, so more tollerant. If you did not know me about five or even three, two years ago you may not be surprised. But I am surprised, even at myself and the change I’ve seen in the past months. It takes far more to get to me now. I am an easy-going kind of person, where does that allow for the intense side? It’s so definitely there. I cannot be a gollum, a two faced individual. Is this part of figuring out what it is to be Rebecca – working out which part to unbury? Oh, I am a far better, more patient person than I was (If I’m even allowed to make a claim like that), but I sometimes feel very caged. There is nothing wrong with more patience. I’ve never been a patient person, maybe I am (shock horror) becoming one – I don’t know if I particularly like it. How can something good be crippling? I don’t know what it is to be Rebecca any more. I hate to see this as another ‘identity crisis’. I have asked myself the same questions before. Told myself I don’t know me – it has found their way into YITS classes, public transport rides, and those last thoughts before bed. I do know who I am. I am still however trying to work out how I can be more fully free in myself in still allowing those ‘supposed flaws’ to work out in my life as good things.

Iris - Goo Goo Dolls

And I'd give up forever to touch you Cause I know that you feel me somehow You're the closest to heaven that I'll ever be And I don't want to go home right now And all I can taste is this moment And all I can breathe is your life Cause sooner or later it's over I just don't want to miss you tonight And I don't want the world to see me Cause I don't think that they'd understand When everything's made to be broken I just want you to know who I am And you can't fight the tears that ain't coming Or the moment of truth in your lies When everything seems like the movies Yeah you bleed just to know your alive And I don't want the world to see me Cause I don't think that they'd understand When everything's made to be broken I just want you to know who I am I don't want the world to see me Cause I don't think that they'd understand When everything's made to be broken I just want you to know who I am I just want you to know who I am I just want you to know who I am I just want you to know who I am I just want you to know who I am

Green carols

We spent this evening at the Smith's house for a boxing day barbeque. The Steele's were there also (my old Boss, his wife Ange and their two kids, Ashlee and Nathan). Uncle Mark cooked some massive beef thing, of which I didn't eat - I don't like meat rawish even if it is meant to be that way. The carrots were the best. We had a strange conclusion to the evening - sitting around with Wendy playing their piano, and we sung carols. Naomi has a superb voice, Wendy also (being thoroughly involved in musical theatre), Hannah has a very unusal nice voice, Laura's pretty good and the rest of us I guess can keep a tune. Completely bizarre. It's strange, I can go to their house and think about 'being jealous' but not feel it. Not that their house is anything special, but little things, like the girls having x y z (the kind of things bec likes eg. technology related) and getting them for presents. And then contrast it with what we have and stuff. There is some satisfaction in me having had to earn what I have. I'm proud of mum, she drove with me (by herself) for the first time. Ie. me in the drivers seat. She hardly stressed out at all.

Alone

Loneliness is the scratch on my cd, the bloodspot in my egg, the whine in my dog and the fingerprints on my photo.

Timewarp

The past few days on gush have been slightly timewarpish. The return of zaul being the predominant concern. I confess I had almost forgotten about this outspoken, mixed up guy I had massively difficult conversations with July 2004. He was the kind of person that had a large number of people extremely concerned he might do something to himself, asked ridiculously strange questions and hung in the balance of being somehow interested in Christianity - both for it and against it at once. A lot of me wishes he'd just go away again. I am sorely disapointed that not more has changed, yes he has drawn out of the crap of his life to some extent, but in thoroughly the wrong way. Its a very difficult thing to moderate nevertheless. His obsession with Tony Robins and Donald Trump is absurd and concerning. I also got a message last night from Sammy and Mish. What a good frienship I had with both of them. I haven't really talked to either in ages. Particularly Mish. Also strange when I realise that's how I sort of got to 'know you' John. In together giving Mish a hand, advice and walking in water well over our depth. God has strange ways of working and sometimes brings really unusual people across our paths. Please pray for zaul if you know the circumstance, and us as we talk w/ him and surrounding people, that Godiswatching will drag up enough courage to at least add me to her msn, so I can actually contact her (as I think she refused me last time). And that we can talk effectively against some of the stuff zaul is bringing up without having an all out argument errupting in our faces. Thanks.

Similarities, stupidity and curiousity

Last night in my boredom, I sent off an email to a few of the individuals that know both Laura and I. I asked them to send me back 10 differences between us (should they be so inclined). I am not entirely sure what possesed me - curiousity perhaps, the idea came after looking hard at a photo taken of the two of us yesterday. Laura also got a copy of this email. The only response thus far has been: "you crazy bored girl!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! i'm gonna like NOT reply properly. ive got better stuff to do!! love jes V" Oh well, who says you can't try. If any more slightly thought out response comes through I might just share it here. Whatever the case, you shall have to wait, just as I shall have to wait. Curiousity has deintensified and transcribed into wonder at the strange sometimes stupid things I do. And here's where I can throw up my hands (in the truly non-literal sense of the word as my hands happen to be on the keys of my computer), or cover my face, or just do the expected, smile and shrug at the whys and workings of my mind.

Forgotten customs

I has surprised me what Christmasy things I'd forgotten that we do. First thing. Ever since we were about 8 or 9. Mum has this thing of putting 'mini-stockings' (or bags rather) with stuff at the ends of beds/on floor late Christmas Eve. The original idea was to keep us in bed longer so they could sleep to a decent hour. It somehow lasted and has moved far beyond the entirely full of lollies, they now have much more useful things in them, plus a few edibles. So before 7am, (or 7:30) us four girls cram into whoever's room is convienient and show eachother what's in them. Then we do the breakfast thing and other presents, church, then the lunch (usually at my Grandparents). Other things. Mum's side on Christmas day usually. Mum's brother, my Uncle Paul, Aunty Bronwyn and three younger cousins, Lauren, Nathan and Naomi with my Grandparents and us (and Wendy this year). A good majority of whoever feels like it will go for a walk on the golf course (very classy country club one- private property of course) after lunch. It was nice today, we went down a slightly differnt way, saw the lake and ducks, found some stolen mail in the boat shed (which Dad reported to the police)... poked around in the bush for lost golf balls. I didnt find any. The others got about seven. Had left overs for dinner. My aunty was so sick she couldnt eat a thing (oh, a bit of bread and later threw up). Ha, maybe shouldn't talk about left overs in combination with being sick... We left about 8ish sometime. Did 'sparklers' before we left, which has become a bit of a thing. Everything from being foolish and waving them around to building massive structures in the driveway to set a chain reaction of burning off. I drove home (drove there too), must get driving lessons/book P's. And that was my Christmas, roughly speaking. Oh, my Grandma got my Uncle to read out part of the Christmas story (something that we have not done as an extended family before) it was a really nice thing to do it that way. Last Christmas in that house, sad really. It's another home of mine, I will miss it and its extensive, amazing garden. But things are changing anyway. People get older.

Christmas

What! Bec's online on Christmas Day :o It is the time between Church and lunch (and lunch, and lunch and lunch) at my Grandparents. So a short one while I have some random 'free time', to say Merry Christmas to you! Remember what God gave. Hope you have a wonderful day. Love Bec

Writing my tragedy

I've been listening to a song by Frou Frou (who I have no clue who he/she/it is, but heard off a sound track). There is a line or two that says the following:

Leave your things behind 'Cause it's all going off without you Excuse me too busy you're writing your tragedy These mishaps You bubble-wrap When you've no idea what you're like

This evening four years ago I was possibly struggling as much as I ever hope I have to. Christmas day is now a strange day for me. An aniversary of leaving, of goodbyes, of memories. We were at a Christmas eve service less than an hour ago now and I was thinking how each year it does get easier and was wondering if I could or should conjure up - or even just think about that stuff. No it's not the point of Christmas, but its a very big part of my life - was and is. I had decided it would quite foolish to intentionally going about feeling sad, simply for the sake of a memory. So I sat as I was, oddly indifferent to it all. I don't know what tomorrow will be like for me. I can't deny I'm not feeling a sense of loss now. No doubt it will occupy part of my time tomorrow and it'll hurt like crazy in the way that certain memories strangely do. Each year changes things. I can only be thankful, I am not completely in the same situation of the man I sold a 'dealing with grieving' book to the other day. No one should have to go through that, particularly in the over marketed 'joy' at Christmas. Mine is a different kind of loss, it doesn't quite match death. God gave. Maybe I should think about the giving and not the taking.

Passings

Got my Tabor results today (after Sam said hers came in the mail) I went online and there they were! No post for me yet. The good news is that I passed. The bad news is nothing. Worst mark a P+ for 'Special Ministry Topic' (yeh not entirely surprised, could have put a fraction more effort into it). Best mark a HD+ (Didn't even know you could get them) for Christian History - the one subject I really didn't put too much effort into as I've done it too many times, actually no, I lie. I enjoyed finding out about Augustine (which was for major essay). I am surprised though. Yay for Craig the shark man (or maybe I shouldn't say that as Rowan might read this :P). The rest were all quite good. So all is fine and dandy. I am pleased. Not that I did YITS for the certificate and work, but yeah, it's sort of nice to know. Now I just have to wait until April 1 for graduation. Which means I'll be 3 days off 20, which is just strange, and I'll have to wear a stupid black gown thing which no doubt will be too big for me (as things from uniform shops generally are). If you would like to come, I'm sure you can, but I don't know where it is going to be yet. Actually Dave I think you know (near your house?). Does any of the yits people reading this know if we can invite people along? Better question, do I even want you there? Sam, what's the inside information from April on how it runs...? Let me get back to you on this.

Sore feet

Two days before Christmas. It definitely doesn't feel it. My present getting was done a while ago. The others went to look at lights tonight, my feet hurt after 9hrs at work - I am not particularly in the mood, I think I'd just get annoyed at the waste and show of it all anyway. I either have a massive callous on one side of one of my big toes, or it's just numb for some reason, weird. So, work all day. Frantically busy, I was on registers for the first couple of hours. Had afternoon tea with Dave (as we couldn't coordinate lunch breaks) which was a good change from sitting alone eating whatever and starting at whatever in the short 15 minutes I get. And I have entirely run out of anything to say. Oh, I did sit down and do the 3rd of the Advent things tonight, I didn't take much time about it really. It was on joy. Which is entirely curious considering the past week. Joy is oddly themeatic really. Which is quite cool considering it is one of the things I talked to God about a few weeks ago. ...and now I have to go finish watching Troy with Dad.

Lunch with a stranger

It smells good outside. New cut grass, cool air. Yesterday evening I met a bunch of the yits people at Eastland for dinner (in the food court of all places). I walked in (after getting a lift with Jess and Sam) and went to check my roster at Dymocks - yes I was working 9-3pm. An utter pain, considering the plan was late night movies. Kat and Dave attacked us (well Kat did) while I was checking - being hugged across the barrier of 'behind the desk' was interesting ha, Kat has no social qualms whatsoever. Wandered our way down to wait for who ever else decided to show: Darryn, Elyce, Iain, Alecia, Sara, Kat, Dave, Sam, Jess W and myself made it for dinner. Clacy and Jess H joined us later at Jess's place. Kat fell off her chair after she was convinced people across the other side of the room were watching us, if they weren't then, they did now. We all made it to Jess's after an expidition into BiLo. Watched Episode 1 (the pilot) of Alias to have something 'suitable' for the guys rather than French films. Not bad, not hugely enthralling. A couple of them headed off, and we got Dave, Iain and Darryn sitting through most of Love Me If You Dare (french film). Elle was entirely put off by the ending. Kat declared it a good movie. Darryn left 3/4 through as he couldn't stand any more. I love it and have already seen it, but this was the first time in colour (yeh, stupid tv's). Sam was pleased to have put together the fragments she's been shown - or was that the next movie? Iain was shocked at having sat through a whole subtitled movie. Said goodnight and goodbye to all except Alecia, Kat, and Sam (and Jess because it was her house). We set up beds, and watched 'A Very Long Engagement'. I was half asleep through most of it, picked up stacks more than the first time and had to explain stuff to Kat every 20 minutes or so. Not a good movie for late at night. Complicated plot and sufficently gory, but quite excellent nevertheless. Sam and I talked for a bit, (and if you have her blog you can read that, if you don't , poor you). I suddenly noticed a set of knots in the wooden roof that looked like this funny dog's face and started laughing, even harder when after I mentioned it, Sam saw it straight away. So we got the giggles (oh how I hate that word) for a while. Then I decided I'd better sleep. What a boring saga of an evening. Mind you today I did something new. Work. Around 1pm I go for my lunch break. The food court is massively full and I didn't fee like wandering ages to find another seat. Finally found one. Ten minutes later a woman comes up to me, "Do you mind if I sit here.". Knew the difficulty, so I said, "Yep that's fine". Anyway, I had my tent of a Dymocks shirt on, and I ask her if she's Christmas shopping (merely to be polite, because of course the answer would be yes), then we talk about books for a bit. Eventually I introduce myself and she herself. Christine (middle aged - late 40's). Got talking somehow ended up that I grew up overseas, now in M. She says, "Oh I run for (erm.. labour?) for that area". And then conversation drifts onto church (she was not a Christian no, but did know a bit about Vineyard and stuff re: soup kitchen etc...). Anyway. it was cool. Talking to a complete stranger. It made my day thoroughly interesting. She came into Dymocks later and bought something, said hello/goodbye to me again. I apparently should be seeing her face on promo things for this area. Interesting. Bizarre. I should like to do it more often. Ha. Saw, Geoff S (old pastor), Anton (Janice's dad) and the one and only Rowan Lewis (YITS) all today. Quite a mass of people out shopping. The place was crazy. Bus home, air con is not working, it's really warm. I get a msg from Paul re: someone at his work. Entirely amusing. Listen to music and continue on getting my Tolkein fix for the year (halfway through the Hobbit - my Christmas tradition). And that was my day. Oh, and Wendy Rayner is here to spend Christmas with us, we are pretty much her (almost) family. It's nice to see her again. :) be mad, be very mad at bec making you read boring accounts of what she's done. Thats all for now.

Humanity

I get the distinct impression sometimes that I vastly underestimate people. Occasionally one of my far less blog obsessed friends draws the nerve to relax themselves enough to allow others to reach in a little further. They choose to show more, or I just simply see more. Sometimes in conversation, but having the words picked carefully and out there so you can actually see them mmm... We are multifaceted. People surprise me. I do not give them all the credit they deserve. It's sometimes as if I get so caught in my own world that I forget there are 3 billion other people in the world, that aren't just people, but people who are living their own lives and facing their own walls. What makes people like they are? Jess you wrote about weakness, showing it. Weakness, in the forms you mentioned (and plenty more I think that got missed - or don't apply so much to you) are so much a part me, and of everyone. You can change all you like. But you know exactly what strikes that nerve. You can teach yourself (and learn) to think first, but a small part of you almost never fails to succumb. But what of proclaiming weakness? Do we talk about it, admit to it only because it feeds off another part of our insecurity? Fulfills some great (or small) accomplishment in us. That we could, that we can. I think we (and I) do get lost in this maze of where developing character crosses into where our initial reasons are diluted so far down that the initial reason is thwarted. It is easy to get lost in trying badly to make someone understand us. I find it quite strange that I came on here originally intending to talk about my frustration of waking up to the noise of a hairdryer and, "Where's my eyeliner?" to which I made pathetic groanings (or cat noises - katie :P) when I found the clock didn't even say 9:00am. And now this. Humanity is beautiful and terrible.

keeping on

Something short as I've left things a bit late for long ramblings and pryings into the depth of my mind. quote of the day (thanks to some random guy in dymocks) "I don't read you retard!". I had a quiet laugh. (nb's to self that a couple of you might not even get it). Ha. I have gone blank. Well how's this for informative, wise, sharp and witty? pfft and I need way more sleep than I've been getting. Do you think holidays even exists for me any more? I could do with a week of pure sleep and going away with a few choice friends, or maybe even better just by myself and do something entirely relaxing. or I'll just keep on dreaming, if I end up in bed.

No one

God gave me a bird today. It's been a while. Promises last. He hasn't forgotten and I still remember when I suddenly find one in a strange place when I really need to know and be reminded. I saw Garden State (movie) last night and have fallen in love with it's strangeness and depth. It was 3:00am by the time it was done and we put the lights out. I lay there (the one of the 5 of us most needing sleep) staring at the ceiling and thinking for a long time. Realness. The ability to feel not just joy but pain in order to experience the former in it's fullest. Reality. How much of life do we miss because we refuse to live it? I want to remind a few of you of this, what made it into my first blog post. "Whoever you are, this is but a little of who I am" Online is no reality. I can withold or share as much as I like. I can continue on doing what I often catch myself doing - reverting to building up persona's, letting others catch on to an idea when it in its fullest is not a true reflection of me and starts to stretch bars up around me until I am limited to that persona. I often wonder why some of my msn or other conversations between different people are so incredibally different. Some people draw out this appologetic frustratingly less confident me by simply responding they way they do - they don't mean it, I don't mean it and look on in surprise at how I am. I wonder how much of something draws back to the very first time you communicate with someone, how much is just due to who they are, their age, their sex, their own willingness to be open. I am amazed at how much people think they know of me (or I think, they think) when all they have is a blog, or some text on a computer screen.

"Dealing with stuff is both important and healthy... and I'm not foolish enough to discount text-based communication in that. God uses us here on the net. There's no question about that. I think somewhere though, there exists an imaginary line, where one of the parties needs to be quite hard-line about things... perhaps committing the cardinal sin in the online context: shutting down a discussion. "

Communication and reality. Something I've never been able to work out is how much do you share, where do you stop. There is transparent living and there is oversharing. There is friendship and there are boundries.

"Above all else, guard your heart, for it is the wellspring of life." - Proverbs 4:23

How important it is to be real. "No man understands a woman, no woman understands a woman, no-one understands a woman." - (Tully from A Good Woman {movie}) The same applies to anyone. No human understands a human completely, not even I think ourselves.

Lord (I Don't Know) - Newsboys

You are the author of knowledge You can redeem what's been done You hold the present and all that's to come Until your everlasting kingdom

Lord, I don't know where all this is going Or how it all works out Lead me to peace that is past understanding A peace beyond all doubt

You are the God of tomorrow Turning the darkness to dawn Lifting the hopeless with hope to go on You are the rock of all salvation

Lord, I don't know where all this is going Or how it all works out Lead me to peace that is past understanding A peace beyond all doubt

Oh, Lord, you are the author Redeeming what's been done You hold us in the present And all that is to come

Lord, we don't know where all this is going Or how it all works out Lead us to peace that is past understanding A peace beyond all doubt

:D

What I heard on Someday

Well, I promised Burkie I think, that I'd let him know when various sermons I mentioned made it online. They are up finally and so if you are so short of other stuff to do, you can dowload/listen to them. The two I can recommend are: Who in the World Cares Evangelism (Don't bother so much with the others). I like Rob Carter's preaching, Peter Downes not so much, hrm yes he is the pastor at Vineyard. Go here.

Identify thine self

Oh the kindness of universtities. Last night I get home and find 'when' enrollement information for Deakin. So much for their promise of mid-January? A lot seems to be based online. All of which needs your student ID. Which I don't have (possibly because I confirmed by email). How thoughtful, how well organised. They get an email today. And I wait another week probably to hear from them to email someone else no doubt. Enrollment is on Jan 20th. Let see what I've gotten myself in for.

A long time

Spent from 11:00-8:00 working. Long shift. I intended to spend a lot of it thinking about something but Christmas people are crazy, didn't have the time or the room. Everyone should shop early and so prevent the rush. Bookstores seem to especially get a lot of customers (far more than clothing shops) around this time of year. Books make good presents. You don't need a size to fit them, just a rough estimation of readability and genre, and away you go. If all else fails take a gift return card. Simple. I looked up everything from extreme sports to Amelia Bedelia to obsure biography's. I love people that bring in a list: author and title - they are beyond human. Had a ripper of a headache by the time I left. Much thanks to Dave, who dropped by to say hello, and to Jess C also (not that she'll read this) - met (rather than just saw) Travis (um, worshipinallnations on gush) and another guy who's name I didn't get, they were off to some 21'st or something and happened to drop by just before I left. Spent a good part of the evening thinking and such, also randomly reading bits from a book I have on third-culture-kids. We are a different breed. No one really gets the whole missionary kid thing unless they've experienced it (well no one has ever really tried to understand that part of me). I find it really strange when I come across things I've forgotten. The fact that we had a housegirl (Elizabeth) and that we had cold showers mostly all the time (as there was no hot water tap, except for certain houses), couldn't drink water out of the tap... In many ways I entirely understand why people don't ask. They don't know what to ask. And it's not as if the conversation is very reciporical - I mean you ask about their 'childhood' and you get the 'same house, same school' or maybe a few moves or significant events. I have an entirely different lifestyle (that I miss sorely from time to time) behind me. Part of me doesn't just want any old person to ask, to pretend to understand what it's like, the majority of people say, "Oh, that's really interesting" like they know what you're talking about, which is 'gag' material, false or just sickeningly bad. I think if I began perhaps to talk about stuff... that it would have to be with someone fairly significant and would take a long time to eventuate. The rest needs to be left to the people I can properly reminicse with.

God's irony

“ But the angel said to her, "Do not be afraid, Mary, you have found favor with God. You will be with child and give birth to a son, and you are to give him the name Jesus. He will be great and will be called the Son of the Most High. The Lord God will give him the throne of his father David, and he will reign over the house of Jacob forever; his kingdom will never end.”- Luke 1:30-33 Ah :) funny how God puts stuff under my nose sometimes.

Overrun

Rather than the blog bug, I think I have the blog leech tonight. What post number am I up to? Shows what a day off work can do to me, (be thankful I have this job). I spent the morning (and into the afternoon) about 3hrs straight reading this Elisabeth Elliot book (3 in one) I found in my sisters room while I was looking for a Pijin New Testament. It was unbelievably nice to sit/lie on the couch in the sun with no one disturbing me for hours and hours. I was going to do the week 3 of Advent thing (that Laura's left on the coffee table) but somehow I didn't get around to it. After lunch of some psuedo curry (pumpkin and potato - half of which ended up as my dog's extremely late breakfast), I sat online distracted and doing random quiz things (thanks Katie :P) - which are now a few posts down). Walked up the road and went to the hairdressers up there, got a fringe cut (nothing drastic, just on the side, only cost me $5). Had a guy cut my hair again. Posted something to someone (one of you perhaps). Came home. Mum has left a lot of books on the table. I don't know how many of you I've told about her selling secondhand books on ebay (that she picks up from oppshops and garage sales and who knows where else) and on a homeschooling webiste, but the whole thing has gone slightly out of hand. She buys (very cheaply, but still) at a lot faster rate than she sells. Dad comes out, looks at it, makes a non-subtle comment about wondering how many she has and if a number might wake her up a little. Laura swallows the bait and enthuses me into counting them. There are over 200 books sitting (temporarily) on our dining room table because of a lady who came to look earlier in the day. NB: hobby, not business (she doesn't keep any records hardly, aside from emails. Lack of organisation is scary). So we count. It takes us a long time. We have 3,642 sellable books in our house. Not our books. Ones to sell. We'd have that many again (maybe more) between the six of us. Laura's estimate is 7000-8000. That's excessive. The majority are young adults type novels or kids picture books. Mum was annoyed and not shocked when we told her what we'd done, "I don't need numbers to know I have a lot." I have possibly mentioned before the collecting gene I half inherited (and have seemed to mostly grow out of). This is evidence of that. I'd seriously consider buying her stock or 'partnering' with her if it would get more done and I had the time. Hannah helps a bit to earn a few dollars. Not too hard to keep track of profits, I mean really, the most basic thing you need is a spreadsheet or access or something. Credit to Mum, because she definitely knows what is sellable. If only she'd do something about it - then we could reclaim the laundry and the hall and all the other corners they make their way into. Need a copy of a certain book, in the aforementioned categories? Please ask, I take them to my room randomly and decide to keep them if they are good, she wont even notice one gone ;)and would gladly give it away anyway.

Phrases

Just in case you use an rss reader, or bloglines or something to read this - if you happen to be vaguely interested, I've opened two other blogs (a little while ago now), First Phrase, Second Phrase. The Second is more for my later usage, but the first might give you something to think about.

Inequality

I wrote some of this yesterday morning (and did save a draft, but it obviously didn't save. ergh!) actually into a journal thing I'm taking to work with me for the half hour or so I have to waste before I start. I've been doing this at Mrs. Fields (excellent coffee) and now outside when seats out the front near the grass are free.

It's about 8:20am, early start (sort of) this morning. I haven't really thought too much about the Sydney riots (racially fueled) thus far. Yes I had that conversation with burkie, but the only visual, or any kind of experience (fi it even qualifies) have been very short segments of the news. Today it is different. I am disgusted at what i heard, angry even. School kids on teh bus - they got to talking about it and began telling stories (be they true or not) of Lebanese gangs bashing up women and old ladies, following them home etcetera, armed with baseball bats. All the blame was thrown back onto the non-anglos and emphasised the anglo'ethnicity of the 'victims'. I was so ready to say something... what about those innocent whoevers caught in this stupid fued? What about the 'white' everyday Australian gangs who do comparibly the same thing at non media-hot moments. It's not at all dependant on skin colour when people choose to do stuff like that (oh I know if it is when it is racially fueled) but we are all entirely capable of making the same descisions, mistakes and crimes. How much media ahd those kids swallowed without having thought about things first? Australia has a definite racial vein. We celebrate differences, oh yeah? We prefer to conform to some unwritten standard. Equality (or rather, Justice as we aren't robots) witll happen one day. God has a hand in taht - but earth and falleness display injustice as if it were a crown. I do not know where this is all heading, I (quite obviously) don't like it, and it is a bigger more menacing problem than I first thought. Onesided stories, rumors, lies and misunderstandings are food for hate. If they'd been on the bus a few more minutes, I might have found the courage to speak up. (the courage to face anti-introversion that is, because I was *this* close)

Some things

Haha, thanks Katie. I haven't wasted this kind of time in a while - did some of the others, but here are the few you showed me (but for me and not you) plus the 'weird' one. Your Blog Should Be Green Your blog is smart and thoughtful - not a lot of fluff. You enjoy a good discussion, especially if it involves picking apart ideas. However, you tend to get easily annoyed by any thoughtless comments in your blog. What Color Should Your Blog or Journal Be? You Should Get a PhD in Liberal Arts (like political science, literature, or philosophy) You're a great thinker and a true philosopher. You'd make a talented professor or writer. What Advanced Degree Should You Get? Your 2005 Song Is Since You've Been Gone by Kelly Clarkson "But since you've been gone I can breathe for the first time I'm so moving on" In 2005, you moved on. What Hit Song of 2005 Are You? You Are 40% Weird Normal enough to know that you're weird... But too damn weird to do anything about it! How Weird Are You?

Yeah

A couple of random bits of info about my day that I think I'll just put here before I launch of into whatever comes out of my head. - Mum ran our car into the back of someone this morning (at the top of our road), they had a tow ball and a 4wd, we got the denting and the entirely stuffed radiator. - The woman got out to have a look and her two boys followed, the second opened the front door and fell out of the car onto the gravel, poor kid, it was really quite funny. - I ran into a shelf at work today, several times. The worst left a decent underskin scrape and a bruise on my forearm. Bookshops are dangerous. Try books falling you. - My dinner (some dodgy pizza that someone at home heated up) had mould on it, I found this only on the second piece, it was quite a sad thing, despite it not being very nice as I couldn't be bothered making anything else to eat. I had a nectarine instead (which have got to be the best fruit beside Pomello). Now, originally I was going to blah out some interesting things that came up when I was reading Purpose #1 in 40 Days of Purpose book thing. This calls for a slight back up to last night, where I was tired, on msn and Mon started talking to me and I got really annoyed at her. I don't like people asking me stuff like, "tell me everything" particularly when I'm not 'in the mood' or I don't want to progress a friendship beyond a certain point (and no I haven't worked out why that is that way with Mon at the moment). So I was giving short, curt one word answers and being a bit of a grumpy bum. I nearly blocked her when I got the, "Is anything wrong" deal, restrained myself - how do you explain "No, I just dont really want to talk to you right now" without a reason (or a reason that I can't possibly word because I don't know what it is). So anyway, I got the, "How's God time at the moment?". I gave her the one word answer of, "yeah". Said I was, 'reading 40 days thing and that's about it, haven't had much time', as I had the ?'s pressure to go deeper (a bad excuse for not spending time, but yes, was the truth). So I did sit down tonight to somewhat redeem it maybe, guilt inspired? And the book's going on about how we were planned for God's pleasure, and what worship is. "How's God time going" What a stupid narrow minded question. And I'm not blaming Mon for asking it, because I ask it myself, and of course reason and context denotes, "Time focused specificially aka. a quiet time" But it is a stupid question. Life as a Christian, right, it's fulltime, not cordoned off to 15mins-1hr an evening or morning. "How's life as a Christian and your interaction with God" is perhaps a better question. I was remembering, after reading some of the stuff on living/working for God. How I used to talk so much more to God throughout my day and how I don't do that so much any more. Making prayer and thought synonymous. I know to an extent it is possible, because I've seen it happen in me before and it makes life a billion times more enjoyable. I like sometimes to think I have a fairly strong mind, or control over where my thoughts go. It is about effort and prayer and definitely God's hand in shaping of character. But it is still so much easier to let things slide, to have thoughts predominantly wandering elsewhere or to just simply get lazy and ignore/forget Gods part in my life. What have I been trying to make church? Am I just fed up because I'm not getting satisfied from what it has been this past while. Thats not right. Church is a designated place for giving glory to God, be that through singing, talking, listening... What God gets out of it, not what we get out of it. Sure that does not remove the discouraged/dissapointed very wanting part of me for something more (socially - which is quite selfish, but still part of it) from church. But it does drop things a lot more into alignment. "So whether you eat or drink or whatever you do, do it all for the glory of God" - 1 Cor 10:31 (NIV) I've lost the piece of yellow paper I got from some youth group thing, it had the following verse on it, I used to think about it more than I've done latey: "So here's what I want you to do, God helping you: Take your everyday, ordinary life--your sleeping, eating, going-to-work, and walking-around life--and place it before God as an offering. Embracing what God does for you is the best thing you can do for him." - Rom 12:1 (MSG) I (and we) should possibly stop complaining about our boring, tiring and dry lives. I should most probably appoligise to Mon. I should start being more intentional about life and the importance of God in my life. This is not an excuse to leave off that time you set aside, just a reminder I guess that it's not everything and if it is everything then its not really enough. This is also not to make me feel good because I haven't been doing the specific time thing so much lately, I hope instead it pushes me to actually do more of that. Because if my day is focused differently... well your time managment shifts to putting the genuinely important stuff first.

Shrink back, see more, close in, do more

"God’s concerns are all-embracing — not only the ‘sacred’ but the ‘secular’, not only religion but nature, not only His covenant people but all people, not only justification but social justice in every community, not only His gospel but His law. So we must not attempt to narrow down His interests. Moreover, ours must be as broad as His." - John Stott

I felt like I was back in a YITS class this morning. The sermon was on Social Justice type issues (but drew far enough away from them to not just be another 'campaign' or movement). It was an extremely well done sermon. Part of it made me think about where I stand with individualism and this became more clear when I was talking with Jess after church about, "What does chuch mean?" Church can't possibly just be a gathering point for believers one day a week, if so, that is entirely pathetic and frankly I don't want to be part of something like that. There should be consitency to life and life as part of the church which prompts it as an on-going (daily) thing. Please don't mention the 'church is the people' thing, because I know that and I've heard that, but we don't go much beyond that defintion as to what the people should actualy be doing. I am curious whether I have moved on slightly from the individualistic way I used to view Christianity. Even across this year. I know what is right and all, I know there is a massive amount of "Us" when it comes to God and to Christianity. The Trinity being a part of that, but yet I have spent a lot of this year, particularly early on working on shaping me. Letting God build/alter/change/grow/inhabit/stretch my character. Dealing with 'issues', challenging myself, letting others and God challenge me. Focusing in even on specifics. I'm not saying that there is any harm in that. But in looking for a church it entirely highlights the bigger picture of what I within something can be/do. You can't live a Christian life for yourself. You can't possibly go the Western individualistic way, you hit walls of non-possiblity, minimal opportunity and inhibited space for growth. You get vastly lonely. I am wondering perhaps if God is pressing that button in me which label says, 'external'. I don't know exactly what that means. I do feel dry, flat and bored when I'm not learning something or other. I hate not being challenged. I haven't particularly felt that in a while. Thanks Sam for pointing out what you did the other day w/ my 'crisis afternoon' post. Where did the other person stand when I was not in complete control? I don't I think that I understand very well God's bigger picture. You can talk all you like about 'mission' and 'evangelism' and 'justice', but you can't just know it or chase it like it's the ultimate purpose of man until something in you alters. I find it difficult to explain and I'll probably look back on this and think, "Okay, what were you thinking Rebecca?" I am reminded again of the phrase, 'being follows doing'. Which is an intersting thought. We can go about doing the stuff before we 'feel it'. Where does passion derive from? God's plan is not indivualistic, or he would have just made Adam. Community is something that I was intending to find in doing YITS, and I did find it. The problem now is that I've lost it and I don't have a 'backup' or an 'alternative', because I don't have a church base, a youth group, a young adults group. Online community has a different place in my life and I am more involved than I perhaps thought I would ever be, its something I value and find I can contribute (be part of) to. But it is not quite the same. I would sincerly like to have a group of people around me where we could just go and do something decent for the world. Locally, globally whatever. The previously talked about plan of starting something up next year (with Jess etc.) is still on hold, but I think it needs to happen and I have a feeling I might again play a bigger part than ever originally intended. Shelve those Bible stuides for a while, they have their place, but there are other ways to learn about where God's heart lies, then bring the words back to where they match your life. Parallel the two and have feet in both. Let your action match your words. Your dilligence, your passion. At the moment, my life is: work and Gush, a bit of social life and church on Sundays. That's far more good than what many can boast, but to be honest, aside from some of the gush stuff, it's really not very fulfiling.

Transient

Funny how you stumble across things that relate in some way or other. "In order to keep us from becoming too attached to earth, God allows us to feel a significant ammount of discontent and dissatisfaction in life..." (Purpose Driven Life p.50)

Back to square one

I have not been getting much satisfaction out of writing lately. I come on here and all I can put down is how the day has been, what I've done. I'm not sure, but sometimes I think what I have to think about or to share is comparable to how much time and effort I've put into doing 'the God thing'. Which hasn't really been a lot lately. You think I might have worked the church thing out by now. But I haven't. I felt it tonight at my cousins 18th. Jaclyn has such an amazing group/s of friends. Friends that put effort into growth, that spend so much time together, that know eachother extremely well. I think it was Nathan (not yits), when he was doing his speech thing, he said something about the length of time he'd known Jaclyn. I don't have really any close friends now beyond a maximum of 3-4 years. My friendship circle(s) is spread out, disjointed and to be honest not very close. I don't have that church friends base. I was talking to Lusky (Mark) tonight at Mac's party and the whole 'I don't miss people' thing comes up. It is so blatantly true of me. I don't miss people, which is both helpful and unhelpful. Iains 23rd was right before Jaclyns. So there were quite a few yits people there. Sure you 'click' right back in. But I don't know it felt like there wasn't quite that something that there was. It might be unreasonable to expect it to be there and I have quite possibly moved on a lot faster than I intended, but ha. Jo, it was like our 'accountability' day (where we were at the city). Where you, Katie and I sat on the grass and we were at a loss of how to 're-interact'. I don't know if you ever get the, "I must listen to xyz song" to match or say (for you) whatever is you are thinking/feeling. I listened to Spin (lifehouse) when I got home. I didn't think about the words so much when I was listening to them but after I went and checked out the lyrics. It was a reminder if anything, to where I should go. Friends, people aren't always going to be there particularly if my track record is anything to go by. God is.

The trouble of alterations

Last night I went to the Messiah at Hammer Hall. The 'went' bit was horrific. The actual thing was fantastic. Complete with my predicted, 'Yes people will stand up during the Hallelujah chorus'. I ended up going with Tracey and not Jess. At 5:30 Jess calls me at Dymocks (on their line). "Uh, I just found out I have to work..." At 6:00 I left work, and walked to the station where I was hoping for a train asap to get back to Mbk. to get the tickets off Henry (Jess's dad) who would drive them down to me. I had to run the last bit, but I caught the train just as I go there. From Ringwood, I spent ages trying to get on to David or Henry. No answer. I called heaps. Nothing. I called home to tell them they'd have to come and get me from the city as I wouldn't be taking the train back that late. I called Henry again. Nothing. I got to Mbk. I am stressed out and mostly ignoring the small part of rationality (Everything will be fine, you can always call the place and tell them what's happened) left in my brain. Called home and in slight desperation, "What should I do?", actually using those words which is more help than I normally ask for. Told them to call me back. They didn't call back. I ended up calling them back 10 minutes later - they'd gotten onto Henry somehow and he was coming. So I wait wandering around, sitting impatiently and watching the time for Henry. I am playing with dissapointed hypotheticals in my mind where I can't get the tickets, or I am late. Henry finally shows up. I get the tickets. I have ten minutes before the Flinders St. train. I realise I'm still in my work clothes. I get changed in the station bathroom. There is no way I'm wearing navy pants to this kind of thing. I get on the train. Massively relieved. I backtrack, back past Ringwood. I can't get on to Tracey. By this stage I'm entirely fed up, tired from working all day, stressed out heaps. I decided to give her half an hour. Half an hour. I am still on the train. Tracey is still not answering. I think, 'stuff this, if she shows up she'll show up (she was orignially meeting us for dinner, now she is going to use Jess's ticket so it's not wasted). At least nothing else can go wrong. Just before the train pulls into Flinders I realise I used my Zone 3 ticket from this morning's bus. This could cause problems getting through the ticket barriers. Someone has tied strings to the corners of my mouth and is pulling down hard yet again. Part of me thinks, "This is quite funny" or "I'm sure I'll find this funny later". I realised all up that I had been doing a lot more worrying than praying. I did ask for a nice connex person. I get to the top. Say, "It's not validated". He says, "Thats OK darling" and waves me through. I smile inside. I go to McDonalds for the toilet and to fill up drink bottle (which I forgot to do). I realise I should possibly get something for dinner. I have 15-20 minutes. I don't want Macca's food but figure I can put up with it. The line is too long. I go up to the next food place I can find that isn't so busy. Hungry Jacks. I start moving the direction of Hammer Hall. I'm calling Tracey and eating and walking all at once. Some guy asks me for money, I think, "No siree you don't have chance, not after my afternoon" I say, "No". I can't get on to Tracey. I send her a message. Nothing. I cross the road. I see Tracey with her phone in her hand just about to call (me). I work out later I had a different Tracey's number in my phone, one that shouldn't even be there. We get in the doors just in time to go in. And the rest was wonderful apart from being quite tired. We had good, front row Balcony seats, I could see pretty everything. I shall not forget the evening, particularly the difficulty in getting there. It was a bit dissapointing I wasn't going with a closer friend (yes Tracey is a friend, but still Jess would have put a bit more fun into the evening). God must have arranged the train timetable for me and had the humor to play part of Handel's Messiah while I was waiting for the one into the city. I got home at mid-night. I was asleep 5 minutes later.

Dymocks

Work was really good! The people (I work with) are really nice, and I was able to help customers (despite sometimes needing to ask Tilla or one of the others). I didn't do registers or anything today, a bit busy. So did books/shelves stuff and numerous other little things. The day doesn't feel half as long as working one at MBO. I like busy. I like shorter public transport trips. I start at 3pm tommorrow and work to 8pm. Roster is all over the place (well compared to what I'm used to). Friday night is clear. Much hurrahs and stress relieved. Hmm, Iain has his 23rd (so I hear today) I said 'yeh I'll come' after some deliberation and deciding I didn't have anything on - Mum tells me it's Jaclyn's 18th (whoops) hmm. Thanks Dave for dropping by today! Also saw Aydan (yr.12) funny that, seeing as Mel is hanging out w/ Jess D today. May my short past and present future collide, and so be it! (yeh strange eyebrow movement). I don't feel like being excessively wordy tonight. So I simply wont.

A little while

There is this passage in John that goes on and on about 'in a little while you will...' In a little while I shall be catching my bus to day 1 working at Dymocks. Prayer good. I'm fairly sure I'm training with Tilla (which is rather good). Goodbye paperwork, coffee making, webstites, flyers, only telephone contact and signing delivery guy's documentation.

Why I blog... or more insight into that perhaps

This is an interesting article.

"If you write for God you will reach many [people] and bring them joy. If you write for [people] you may make some money and you may give someone a little joy and you may make a noise in the world for a little while. If you write only for yourself you can read what you have written and after ten minutes you will be so disgusted you will wish you were dead." - Thomas Merton

curious the things you stumble across. Very pleased I found this.

All for believing

I remember the first time I heard the Missy Higgins song 'Scar'. I was in the car driving with mum somewhere. I think it was just the two of us - maybe Emily was in the back. It played and I turned it up because it was different, distinctive. I liked it the first time and the second and the third and then it slowly got frustratingly cliche and mainstream. Not enough so that I didn't buy the CD, because I did. I like piano music. I don't listen to it much now but I put it on tonight. I was reading chapter 3 of the Purpose Driven life. 'All for Believing' was playing. Despite being a love song, there was curious clash of interest. "I'm all for believing, if you can reveal, the true colours within, And say you will be there for me to hold, When the faith grows old (I'm all for believing) And life turns cold, (I'm all for believing) When the faith grows old, (I'm all for believing) and life turns cold. So if you're cold I will stay, maybe fate will guide the way. I believe in what I see and baby we were meant to be, Just believe. Just believe. Just believe. Trust in me." I don't know how well I can explain it. 'The Benefits of Purpose Driven Living' the chapter segment was called, which sounds like a plug for the manifestation of the author's ideas. He claims that, "Knowing your purpose gives meaning to your life". I am sitting here now wondering how much I actually agree with that statement. There is a valid argument behind the general concept. Hope is important. I can remember multiple times in my life where I would 'live' for the next thing I was looking forward to. That is no way to live life as a Christian (and I still stray into using it sometimes), but it helps in someways to pull you through a boring week, a mess of time and a constant of change. Job is mentioned. He is undoubtably one of a few standout Biblical characters to me. He kept his cool remarkably through his friends ill-timed wisom, maintained honesty, still stuffed up and visibly learnt to understand that we don't need to know the fullest picture of life, he strove to honor God for who he was despite circumstances. Did Job know his purpose? Or was his life a simple (heh) acknowledgement of God and obedience to the one that matters most? Thinking about things now. Do we have to live a purpose driven life? Or do we just have to live? How then shall we live? Am I just simply messing with semantics? 1 Peter 1 has a curious lot to say on the matter of living. Be Holy 13Therefore, prepare your minds for action; be self-controlled; set your hope fully on the grace to be given you when Jesus Christ is revealed. 14As obedient children, do not conform to the evil desires you had when you lived in ignorance. 15But just as he who called you is holy, so be holy in all you do; 16for it is written: "Be holy, because I am holy." 17Since you call on a Father who judges each man's work impartially, live your lives as strangers here in reverent fear. 18For you know that it was not with perishable things such as silver or gold that you were redeemed from the empty way of life handed down to you from your forefathers, 19but with the precious blood of Christ, a lamb without blemish or defect. 20He was chosen before the creation of the world, but was revealed in these last times for your sake. 21Through him you believe in God, who raised him from the dead and glorified him, and so your faith and hope are in God. I guess what questions my mind is surfacing is, do we live with intention for the future or for now? The future or the present? I am not condemning the book as it has a lot of excellent stuff to say. It points out Ephesians 5 for example. Be very careful, then, how you live—not as unwise but as wise, making the most of every opportunity, because the days are evil. Therefore do not be foolish, but understand what the Lord's will is. (v 15-17) Question though, it seems to take 'the Lord's will' as a 'will happen' thing, not a 'now happening thing'. Now there's a lot around 'running the race' and 'pressing on towards the goal'. "Not that I have already obtained all this, or have already been made perfect, but I press on to take hold of that for which Christ Jesus took hold of me. Brothers, I do not consider myself yet to have taken hold of it. But one thing I do: Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead, I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus." -Phil 3:12-14 You can't forget in the importance (I think) of living in the present, the undeniable future that God has planned. His return, or our death to then meet God. No one ever won a race by sitting and thinking about how they would get there, but what they were doing at that exact moment propelled them towards that point. Maybe I am just messing with semantics? I can jump puddles (of conclusion). But how can one book present God's plan for our individual lives beyond the simplicity (or difficulty) of living for and in obedience to him? Or maybe that is the point of the text, before I go ahead and assume the ending, maybe that's what it's trying to get across? Statments like, 'knowing your purpose prepares you for eternity' get slightly up my nose. So what if I don't have a clear idea of 'my purpose' beyond living 'in God'. We have to give a personal account before God. Yes? That screams to me of what I'm doing with my life now, not what I do and don't know. Society is future driven, past forsaking or dwelling and present ignoring. I'm not being apathetic by throwing goals out the window, quite the contrary. What drives my life? I am not utterly sure, but it should be God. I don't know why God made us, aside that he is a God of love. That should be all I need to know. What am I trying to say? Maybe that, we don't have to know everything, we don't have to know exactly what God is doing, but we do have to acknowledge him as our God who does not falter and does not change. The chapter concludes with Isaiah 26:3, "You, LORD, give perfect peace to those who keep their purpose firm and put their trust in you." (TEV version used) "You will keep in perfect peace him whose mind is steadfast, because he trusts in you". (NIV) mind is steadfast/purpose firm. Are they the same? I just find it interesting. (and I like semantics, and I like thinking, and I like arguing against stuff - the book really is quite right in many regards- so here you go.)

To Sam

Quite an excellent day. Church was at first looking like to be another downer, but the sermon was on evangelism ("oh no!" my mind cries, he might smash this one to pieces) but the guy did an excellent job and talked a lot about how the 90% of us without the whole 'go talk to people/street evangelism' thing can be effective in serving others. Heads up to you fine reader: do a random act of kindness for someone (which does mean, no strings attached) Had a chat with Merryn (did yr.12 w/ her, not really close) during the break. And after I got talking to Dan (YITS from Berwick) and Jordan (Jacqui's cousin) Anyway. Dan said he's had the same problem, they've been at Vineyard 6mths now and not one young adult has really come up and welcomed them. I mentioned that I find it too big for me. I really don't know about staying at Vineyard, it has some fantastic points, good sermons, good music mostly - but yes. So prayer still appreciated for church related things. I might give Lilydale Baps (at night) another try, however church shopping that sounds. It being the date it is, I called Sam to say Happy Birthday (18) and see if she had any spare time. 3:00pm I went up and took her to Morrisons for afternoon tea, which was rather nice. There was a photography exhibition on up there and Sam and I had a chat to the ladies, I got refered to a photography club (no perhaps not, might be alright, but it's on a Wednesday night). Came back home, and we pulled a box thing of my old junk out to find various art stuff, Sam had a right old snoop and then we cut and stuck stuff and drew (depending on who we were) to our hearts content. A strange but oddly enjoyable way to spend a few hours. The "art" I made quite disturbed me. Why must I always throw in a dark underlying theme? : More talk with Sam. Then she went home. And I bummed around, shower etc... Started reading 'The Purpose Driven Life' after some thinking about whether I should buy into Christian consumerism. I guess it must be quite good, I shall read w/ an open and questioning mind. Prayed about it. So day one. "Everything go started in him and finds its purpose in him" -Col 1:16b (MSG) No huge revelations. Which is rather like this blog post, a reasonably boring summary of my day. But here's to Sam, an excellent person and a wonderful friend!

Who Slammed Doors For Fun And Perished Miserably

Rebecca Who Slammed Doors For Fun And Perished Miserably by Hilaire Belloc A trick that everyone abhors In little girls is slamming doors. A wealthy banker's little daughter Who lived in Palace Green, Bayswater (By name Rebecca Offendort), Was given to this furious sport. She would deliberately go And slam the door like billy-o! To make her uncle Jacob start. She was not really bad at heart, But only rather rude and wild; She was an aggravating child... It happened that a marble bust Of Abraham was standing just Above the door this little lamb Had carefully prepared to slam, And down it came! It knocked her flat! It laid her out! She looked like that. Her funeral sermon (which was long And followed by a sacred song) Mentioned her virtues, it is true, But dwelt upon her vices too, And showed the deadful end of one Who goes and slams the door for fun. The children who were brought to hear The awful tale from far and near Were much impressed, and inly swore They never more would slam the door, -- As often they had done before.

Medium rare

There is a great lot of interesting people on the train today (2/12/05). Man + bike + suit, who has strapped helment onto the seat rail. Two older ladies, one looking quite unnatural with a beige polar fleece beanie - she is complaining in halting phrases how someone refuses to go and see a movie with her, and her willingness to give any surpluss money to the other more normal woman should she need it. I can't work out if they are friends or have just met. There is a middle aged Italian couple who got on holding hands. They look vaguely familiar. Their language is a pleasant background behind my ears that are full of Relient K. English is a harsh language. There is the girl sitting opposite me. Australian? She asked the old woman beside me what was the central station. The woman got it wrong. I interuppted, "Flinders Street". She is going to the art gallery - I wish I was, instead of working. She has a very round face and interesting clothes. Yesterday a slightly more vocal member of the public made a comment, "There goes another badly bred, uneducated person of lilydale." It does, I admit seem to be a place taht attracts bogans. Sam asked me the other day if I prefered white collar or blue collar (guys I believe she was refering to). A slightly amusing question that carries the generalisations of 6kg bricks. White collar. Lilydale is a blue collar kind of town. There is an old man with a little face, tiny eyes, non-prominent nose and a blue beanie like a tea cosy. He has one of those cheerful faces as if he couldn't not smile even if he tried. He frowns and it still looks like he is smiling. The beanie is too big for his head, if he bent over I think it would fall off. Umbrellas are walking sticks, black and colourful, useful outside, a prop for your arms inside and a nuisance to close. Umbrellas are indiscriminant. Camberwell. I realise with ammusment that one of the supposed umbrellas is infact a walking stick. The old man makes it out the door just in time. In the city when you are tramming your only ever see drivers with passengers not on their phones. The rest have this limited form of communication plasterd to whichever ears is most convienient. Hehe. "Okay, so who doesn't own a cell phone?" (RK comes on)

Last night's MBO Christmas party was held at the Stokehouse. I had a sore back from sitting too long and eating too late (a bit hyper, not the jump up and down kind, the "I need food" kind). Site surveys about 29 of them (the worst thing to do at work really), the majority whom I couldn't get on to. Yet another nice round conclusion, this was my last day offically at MBO, I started work on the 6th of January doing the exact same thing. Mel got back from the US this morning http://melinastravel.blogspot.com. Cam looked rather pleased to have her back. Paul just got back also, first time I've seen my boss in months, I think jet lag was crowding his brain. Shannon mentioned her friend has convinced her to do an Alpha course next year. Interesting. So, dinner. The place was packed (not with just us), very loud. Talked to Ian and Anne a bit and got a seat between LongVan and Dad. Noise was good in that it didn't mean you had to talk the whole time, besides, LongVan is fine to talk to, I know her so well. My stomach started hurting like nothing else part way through either due to food, sitting too long or eating too much. Restaurants are frustrating in the fact you feel somewhat obliged to eat a good portion of your plate. I was incredibally happy when dad decided he'd drive home (despite my non-drinking anything so I could drive as originally planned), seeing as I was in stupid irrational pain and dead tired - not that I let him know. I really don't like steak I've decided. I always forget that the world thinks the best way to have it is medium rare and then I reach the dismayed point where it arrives just like that on my plate - cook it properly! There is something so entirely unappealing about blood dripping onto your plate and into your chips - most people had the steak. The entree was wonderfully good - flat bread and dips except the bread was !!!!. I ate so much of that I had a good excuse not to eat all the steak. Desert was cherry pie thing, I was too full by then to appreciate its niceness. I don't really want to eat steak again. Went to bed straight away. Felt nice to be able to crawl in and lay flat on my back without the intrustion of late night msn or blogging. I've forgotten what it's like to have time to think while you go to sleep. I generally prefer not to, aim of late nights: wear self out so I sleep right away or I end up lying there for hours. Sometimes I think maybe I should break habits a little more often. Oh yes. The day I finish up at MBO is the day I hear about Dymocks. I start on Wednesday. This is good! This also means I will have no life for the next while, I'll be working pretty much full time up until/over Christmas. Today is free. Nothing at all. A rarity indeed.

Hypocrisy is a tribute that vice pays to virtue

The Master Humbler I like this article apart from being vaguely frustrated that it gives no further insight into 'how you should live' which is entirely the point anyway (that it shouldn't) Another jab in the side for, "Bec, why do you blog?" Why do you think I blog?

News but not really newsworthy

Tickets booked for Jess and I (Grandma pulled out due to price) for the 9th of December - Messiah at Hamer Hall. Much thanks to Emily who conveyed one student card and money to Jess, funny the arrangements you have to make. Online ticket booking is crap. It however shall no doubt mess thoroughly with my insides and leave me wowed. We shall see. Tomorrow is my last offical (half) day at MBO. Official being I actually stick to my Thursday on, 2nd Friday on. From now on I am actually doing the casual job thing, they call me if they need me, I go only if I want to. Huzzah I like the sound of that! and Oh dear, I don't really have a job any more. Dymocks had better hurry up and call me. Tomorrow is also the staff Christmas party. Joy. I'd rather not bother, but should make an apperance. Dragging Dad along for transport (he's not complaining, he gets a free meal), it also means I can leave roughly when I want to. ie. not too late. "and the refraction arched over her wrist like a two dollar shop bracelet, she didn't notice, but I did - a rainbow shrunk to her skin"

Barefoot

It is always slightly amusing when you predict or hope for an ironic point in your day and you get one. I subscribe to www.dictionary.com's Word of the Day and it is usually a disappointing addition to my Bloglines roll when I find it isn't a friend bequeathing their life to my insterested scrutiny. Todays word was, alfresco - outdoors; outdoor I was quite reluctant to walk my dog this evening. I am used to winter and the unknown daylight savings. It should not be light enough to undertake this often not so enjoyable task, as it quickly becomes chore when I am constantly reminded. But daylight savings it is, and it was comfortably warm for walking and uncomfortably so for having my wrists heat up on a keyboard like they are doing now. At the top of the street I turn down regularly I decided to take off my thongs. I don't like walking great distances in thongs after the shaddow callouses of last summer have long disappeared. I already walked too far in them yesterday. Barefoot. I haven't done it in a long time - or at least since camp, where I left my shoes with Tracey to gain the surer footing you have without shoes, to climb around on the rocks under the waterfall at Lorne. My feet nearly froze then. But not like this. It was warm. The concrete footpath was warm without being too hot. I reached street two and changed my reluctance, I'd walk the longer way around. This is the road that I run - if you can call a slow, occasionally increasing jog that. There is the slap slap metronome of my feet. It was surprising and satisfying. My feet have been too long coddled in the socks and shoes of winter. I haven't, I felt done this since leaving the Solomons, but that doesn't make sense, not many of the roads are tarmack there. I like splayed out feet. I've spent a good part of my life barefoot or my feet accomodating Chinese shop thongs that would get lost and left and confused with the mountain of shoes left at the screen doors of friends houses. Ugly feet are the kind that have spent eternity in shoes. Narrow at the top, pale and soft along the heel. I missed going barefoot much the last few weeks over there. I stood on a tac maybe two weeks before Christmas. Over our SITAG youth camp the tac ran evidence against the humidity and became a 20cent boil on my heel. I spent the entire time sorely dissapointed with my half involvement in all the running around, and facing the shame of having to wake Heather Mellow in the middle of the night when the pain traced lines up my leg, expressed itself down my face and denied me sleep. Mum came the next morning and the pus shot facinatingly up the syringe before she could pull the stopper back. I had a shower when I got home and noticed my feet were still delightfully black even after cleaning them. This is how it used to be. No one has clean heels over there unless you spend an afternoon snorkelling at Bonegi or the Bishop's Beach or maybe a soft-drink purchased swim at the Honiara Hotel pool. I was thinking about the Solomons, but not in the usual way. I wasn't sad, and I am not right now. It is December the first. I should be frantically disturbed at the fact that we aren't putting up the Christmas tree tonight. I held graspingly to tradition last year. It is different now. You know, Australia has a smell. You don't notice it unless you've come from overseas. I can remember several trips from Brisbane airport, at night and during the day and the first week you spend back. It smells decidedly different. You are faced with a difference again when you meet the coolness of Melbourne and winding roads of the Dandenongs. Wondeful smells. We played a game, whenever we drove our then present van (of which there were multiple versions, all toyotas) from Sydney, or Canberra or Brisbane or some other place to Melbourne. The last half hour, full of excited chatter of being 'nearly there'. My grandparents neighbours used to keep a caravan in close approximation to the top of their drive. It was the first to see it... no one ever won anything, the glory perhaps. It was always somehow lost in the turning down of the drive I used to fly a trike down, greeting the only people and place I ever sometimes missed about Australia . The caravan is gone now, just like the Australia smell.

Listen to this

Courtship, Shmourtship Go listen to that ^ (sermon by Joshua Harris). This is really quite excellent!