Back to square one

I have not been getting much satisfaction out of writing lately. I come on here and all I can put down is how the day has been, what I've done. I'm not sure, but sometimes I think what I have to think about or to share is comparable to how much time and effort I've put into doing 'the God thing'. Which hasn't really been a lot lately. You think I might have worked the church thing out by now. But I haven't. I felt it tonight at my cousins 18th. Jaclyn has such an amazing group/s of friends. Friends that put effort into growth, that spend so much time together, that know eachother extremely well. I think it was Nathan (not yits), when he was doing his speech thing, he said something about the length of time he'd known Jaclyn. I don't have really any close friends now beyond a maximum of 3-4 years. My friendship circle(s) is spread out, disjointed and to be honest not very close. I don't have that church friends base. I was talking to Lusky (Mark) tonight at Mac's party and the whole 'I don't miss people' thing comes up. It is so blatantly true of me. I don't miss people, which is both helpful and unhelpful. Iains 23rd was right before Jaclyns. So there were quite a few yits people there. Sure you 'click' right back in. But I don't know it felt like there wasn't quite that something that there was. It might be unreasonable to expect it to be there and I have quite possibly moved on a lot faster than I intended, but ha. Jo, it was like our 'accountability' day (where we were at the city). Where you, Katie and I sat on the grass and we were at a loss of how to 're-interact'. I don't know if you ever get the, "I must listen to xyz song" to match or say (for you) whatever is you are thinking/feeling. I listened to Spin (lifehouse) when I got home. I didn't think about the words so much when I was listening to them but after I went and checked out the lyrics. It was a reminder if anything, to where I should go. Friends, people aren't always going to be there particularly if my track record is anything to go by. God is.