Logical Positivism

Got in weird creative mood this afternoon/evening. Hacked up my complimentary 'The Age' and the MX and an old MetCard. Used first page (or second, but first usage) of art journal I bought for such random things... the photo I took cuts off the bottom left corner which is a pity. But yes. This is/was bec getting minorly cranky at society and such. But do not ask me what it all means, because simply I don't know. I felt like putting stuff there so I did. (which is a bit abnormal to my obsessive thinking nature). Art is expression.

Metcard

I spent my day in the city with Katie and Jo. Was quite excellent. As was yesterday spent roaming foreign suburbs with Sam. Art galleried it (just the shop). Entirely interesting, pity things aren't cheaper. Starbucks for quite a while. Couches. Nice pepermint mocha (iced) which cost way too much. Jodi Picoult is quite amazing. Words words words. She uses them esquisitely (and I don't even like that word much, but it suits). "fine lines bracket her mouth, parentheses around a lifetime of words I was not around to hear..." (p.117) Ah my. Thoroughly enjoyable, entirely engrossing.

Not what we do

A friend was discussing with me part of the sermon on the mount last night (Matt 5-7). She asked me (and Sam who was sitting behind me) "How do you guys go about living it?" I asked her to clarify a little and she pointed to Chapter 6:1-15. Which I determined as her asking about, "Doing stuff on the sly". She was concerned primarily with motives (this was following her descison to sponser a child through compassion). "If it's a desire to do something, to satisfy a desire, is it still serving God." I asked, "Could you not have caught God's desire" and asked more specifically about why she was doing it. She determined that she was pretty sure that God was telling her to do it but was still concerned, "I want to get it right." I was wracking my brains (with Sam's help) to uncover a verse that lingered from Sunday school which I finally found after bible gateway failed and google saved the day, "For God did not give us a spirit of timidity, but a spirit of power, of love and of self-discipline." (2 Tim 1:7) unfortunately I was rather distracted and never got about to giving/explaining anything to her particularly in my immediate doubts about having to drag something a little out of context. Anyway. Tonight I was reading (only had Message version on hand) in Romans 3:21-31. And was reminded what my mind failed to work into cohesion last night, about walking in step with God and responding to what he does and not what we think we can do to please him.

"So where does that leave our proud Jewish insider claims and counterclaims? Canceled? Yes, canceled. What we've learned is this: God does not respond to what we do; we respond to what God does. We've finally figured it out. Our lives get in step with God and all others by letting him set the pace, not by proudly or anxiously trying to run the parade." (v.27,28)

and

"But by shifting our focus from what we do to what God does, don't we cancel out all our careful keeping of the rules and ways God commanded? Not at all. What happens, in fact, is that by putting that entire way of life in its proper place, we confirm it." (v.31)

Confusing in some aspects around how we can actually go about 'worship' and in 'pleasing' God. But working out where God is working and joining him in that seems to be the way we can live life appropriately in response to God. Not sure if I just reiterated what it just said, but yes it solved/clarified a few things for me and shall help in putting forward a perhaps more informed suggestion.

Interview

3pm today I had my interview at Dymocks. Standard but not too nervous feeling before. Didn't help I missed my bus, called dad to rescue me and then got it the next stop down. I am pleased to report that it went really quite well and I am almost positive I have the job. Goodbye to 'cushy' job (as Jess so thinks MBO is and is quite right). It'll be the hard yakka from now. Worth it though, so much closer to home, probably almost double pay to what I'm getting now. Have a funny feeling (if) that I'll be working rather a lot. Finish up at MBO just before Christmas. To be honest I'm really not too sorry to see that go.

Hope and Expectation

A day or so ago my sister Laura decided to make an Advent wreath (it being apparently the first week of advent). I don't know a whole lot about it, I still don't. But I sat in the lounge room this morning after breakfast with a cup of tea and read the letter that Laura left alongside the wreath. I lit the first candle (she left matches) got my Bible and read the verses listed. Isaiah something, Pslam 33 and Romans 15:12-13.

"May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit." - Romans 15:13

Although Advent week 1, is pertinent to hope and expectation of the return of Jesus (NT/now) and the coming of the Messiah (in OT times) I found the theme applicable to my own life and the points of frustration that I meet and match (like last night) and relevant to what can easily become 'the daily grind'. Had a good talk to God. I need reminders like this. I am thankful Laura put in the effort to leave something like that on the coffee table. A bit of liturgy is good for all of us now and then.

Last night's rant

I am frustrated and sad and angry and frustrated.

It was not a usual day.

Ah crap I give up writing this for other people why shouldn’t I just write what I bloody well want to.

I can’t stand mum. I can’t stand coming home to be nagged at, yelled at and told what I can’t do. I hate being treated like I’m 14. I hate it that she eternally finds the way to bring any thing not done around the house back onto anyone who so questions that it maybe wasn’t their responsibility. I can’t stand it how much she doesn’t realise that the way she speaks doesn’t get anything done.

She builds her case and I build mine. My unspoken ultimatum that I need to leave home as soon as I can possibly afford to. My mind that revels in the fact that I have job interview tommorrow that I would be thouroughly determined to get it purely for money which equals freedom and how I know perfectly well if I have an attitude like that I don’t deserve any job. Then the foolness of it hits me and there is the frustration at not allowing myself to get really angry at her because its ‘not honoring’ and I know I shouldn’t. I would like to be able to hold some kind of grude, but I can’t without feeling guilty.

She doesn’t know how to say no and leave things at that. How can I possibly respect her when all she does is present and yell at me the things I haven’t (or have and she hasn’t noticed) done and finds every single excuse or thing to blame me as a reason for her ‘no’. A simple no would work.

In truth, I should start just telling her what I’m doing, not asking. I don’t need to ask any more.

A full day. Yes I was out for most of it. No I didn’t realise this would come up.

Jess calls at 9:30pm, Iain has finally gotten on to her about where lots of the yisters are for Michaels ‘party’ ie. Hang out thing. I am flat refused by mum and Dad who just goes along with her. I am sorely disappointed, to the point where I cry. I haven’t done that in a long time. Emotional manipulation? Maybe partly, but I know it never works anyway. Leaving YITS I guess finally hits me, I will hardly see them now. I am crying and wondering what the hell I’m doing with my life.

Church pretty much sucks. I go to Gener8 tonight and feel like they are behind glass. So much show, so much show. Where is reality? What on earth can I do in this kind of church for the world. Talk talk talk talk talk. What does the stupid church do for the world? I am in a new nomad state. No longer country divided. I don’t feel ‘at home’ or even overly comfortable in a church anymore. I try my hardest to pull the good bits from the bad, but there is so much to question, so much only half presented. I am afraid I will in this environment forget what I have learnt, forget how much richer, how much harder, how much more there is. I can’t claim to be the ‘knower of all things’. Damn, but if I can see so much that isn’t being met what am I to do about it? I wouldn’t dare to bring a non-Christian within 50metres of the place, I’d be so embarassed, so disgusted at the bubble we pin to religion and church and… so ashamed at how removed and anti-cultural we are when a church tries to be culturally relevant. It’s not just Careforce stuff. I actually got stuff out of the sermon tonight there.

God. I don’t know what to do. I don’t know what I can do.

Where do I belong now?

I hate religion. I miss my friends. I miss being comfortable. I miss not just getting something good out of a sermon and not having to deal with all the crap and every second word that I question.

What am I doing with this ‘spare time’ that I have?

Its so self absorbed sitting a home, sleeping in, spending the day entirely for yourself. I need to get out of this house for a while. I need some space.

I’m sick of routine, I’m sick of immature Christians, I’m sick of responsibility.

I hate the difference I found in the social contrast of last night and today.

I’m very glad I went to Paul’s thing. It was not the easiest situation socially as I didn’t really know anyone much, but it’s helped me realise a few things.

You get such a different kind of person if you dump them overseas to grow up.

It’s going to be awfully hard to ever combine two social circles if you got married to someone without a lot of similar aquantinces. Hey! (mock revelation) this is perhaps the real reason why people should date. And this is just simple observation from an outsider going to a friend’s party.

I am most uncomfortable in social situations where the majority of people are just a bit older than me (not like adults) but peers plus a few years. Why? I worked this one out a week or so back. I grew up where Laura and I were pretty much the eldest females in the lot of SITAG kids. Constantly. I have no problem relating and talking to younger people. Adults I’m usually fine with. But dump me with that peers+ and I am thoroughly at a loss. It might have something to do with ‘having the upperhand’ or it simply just being what I’m used to.

I far prefer hanging out with people who genuinely lead conversations. I couldn’t care less if they talked their face off. I like being silent, I do this normally amongst people I am vastly familiar with, but I also like a decent conversation, some people this just isn’t possible with. I like people who make it easy. I hate having to think of stuff to create small talk.

I am so sick of having to meet and make new friends (and this is thoroughly pertaining to church). I am not settled or very happy at Vineyard. Something’s not quite right, but that’s no surprise, church is generally annoying.

I am frustrated at mum.

I am sad about YITS.

I am angry at how I feel about church and how it shouldn’t be that way and logically I could work myself around it and keep continually having to.

I am frustrated about life and what I’m not doing and how I don’t know what I can do because I don’t know what I should do.

How am I running the race of life?

Because I think I’m doing a pathetic job at the moment.

And how do you explain anything, when others just don’t get it?

"How admirable is thy Justice, O thou first mover! Thou hast not willed that any power should lack the processes or the qualities necessary for its results." Leonardo da Vinci

I had to voice that. Oh no doubt there is more of it God. But please hear what I’ve written. please pray what I can’t. I don’t know. I need you to know and to work on that. Please forgive me for what I’m holding against mum or people and Australian culture and the church. Show me how to love them again.

Lines Of My Earth - lyrics

Lines of My Earth Sixpence None the Richer The lines of my earth, so brittle, unfertile, and ready to die. I need a drink, but the well has run dry. And we in the habit of saying the same things all over again, For the money we shall make. This is the last song that I write 'Til you tell me otherwise. And it's because I just don't feel it. This is the last song that I write 'Til you tell me otherwise. And it's because I just don't feel it anymore. It should be our time. This fertile youth's black soil is ready for rain. The harvest is nigh, but the well has gone dry. And they in the habit of saying the same things all over again, about the money we shall make. This is the last song that I write 'Til you tell me otherwise. And it's because I just don't feel it. This is the last song that I write 'Til you tell me otherwise. And it's because I just don't feel it anymore.

Thanksgiving

Tonight I dared again tonight to reinvolve myself in a social circle I tentatively attempted two-years or so ago. The Victorian Missionary Kids Network (erm, or rather TCK's to introduce you the Third Culture Kid terminology). A very good experience and I hope to continue going to whatever they do to catch up. Fantastic to hear a vast number of accents, the meal was prayed for in Spanish! I didn't really know anyone - Christine I've met, and Carrie (the one that did work experience where you are Paul). I spent the first half of the night talking to Kathryn (MK from Benin, West Africa) she's 17 I think, and much of the other half to Luke who was in South Africa for a while (and I'd guess mid-late 20's) Lots of good food, all a little international. It was more specifically a 'thanksgiving' (yes thats right) dinner and a good excuse to get together. Complete with turkey (yum) and pumpkin pie (YUM except I've probably had better). It's really hard to explain, but I feel vastly more comfortable in an environment like that than say an Australian party/social gathering. There is an entirely different feel - we have a common ground maybe (?), despite many having been in Australia for quite some time and their vast age range. First questions you get asked aside from your name, "Where were you?/What country?" and "How long have you been back?" There is this fantastic collision of similar experiences of returning and what you miss etc. It is something I've thought about on and off, not for ages and am glad I guess to be re-involved. I shall endeavor to go on their next camp which wont be until 2006 sometime. Did it make me think of the Solomons? Yes. Did it make me homesick? Not really. I do miss hearing American accents.

Sister, Mother - lyrics by Sixpence

I find this song a little strange despite really liking it, if you have any thoughts on the words please leave a comment. Sister, Mother Sixpence None the Richer My life is plagued By mistakes, broken love, slaps in the face. But I'm trying to care, to dare to embrace your face. Hug him like a brother. Kiss her like a sister. Let it be my mother for now. I want to find where the maid in the street Is pouring her wine. I heard she takes you in and gives you the words You need said. If you'll be her brother, She'll kiss you like a sister. She'll even be your mother for now. Hug him like a brother. Kiss her like a sister. Let it be my mother. Let it be my father. I will be her brother. Kiss her like a sister. Come and be my mother forever.

Mike and his wife

I was walking my dog today and thinking a bit more about last night and in particular myself bemoaning my lack of sleep - which is entirely my own fault and how in complaining I missed mentioning the excellent jazz trio. Moreso the shared enjoyment of it, beyond just Jess. I can't believe I forgot to mention them. I was describing who various people were to Jess in the privacy of the very small kitchen where we were putting the food onto plates to take around. I recognised the cleaner whom I've never really met and mentioned him. It was getting to the end of the 'festivities' as the majority of people disappeared before 7:30, Jess and I weren't doing a whole lot and we found ourselves talking to the cleaner and his wife. His name was Mike, I didn't catch his wife's name. Both short, both stocky. She had a brilliant sense of humor and laughed a lot, he was intense, sure of himself and yet still engaging, optimistic and funny. One of those strange encounters which finds you entirely comfortable and has you talking as if you hadn't just met them. They asked what study we were doing, Jess mentioned uni first and later Tabor. They knew Tabor (click 'here's a fellow Christian' radar goes off in both our heads, not that I can read minds) the conversation progressed to 89.9 Light FM, which is where they had heard about Year In the Son. Jess mentioned something about not being entirely sure that Light was the best thing and perhaps not very effective. They then proceeded to gently but strongly correct her view of Christian Radio with a plethora of stories. From (non Christian) tradies, to druggy neighbours, to friends. We conclusively decided that it definitely has it's audience. I don't know if Jess was embarassed or astonished - I think a little of both. I was laughing at her inside and rather awed myself. Mike went on talking about how he'd reached a point in his life where he was really happy with what he was doing, working in a secular environment where he could have an impact on all those people he came into contact with, while working an unpaid postion in the Church so that the money could go elsewhere. He said he'd reached almost all his goals except for wanting one day to start a church from scratch. I was so impressed with someone at his stage in life (would have been in his 50's) that thought they hadn't finished everything they could for the world. I think that as a young person myself I can freely and informatively generalize in that we vastly underestimate older people. I have never really thought about what good I could do at that stage of my life particularly in influencing society. It leaves me with a bit of freedom to think of all the years I have ahead of me. Life doesn't end at 30. His wife told us about the numerous opportunities they've had just in their neighbourhood to impact people. Opening their garage by just taking some chairs and sitting out there and kids in the area who'd come up to talk and ask questions, whose parents would follow to check out if the adults were 'okay'. How they had 'bread days' and when 60+ people showed up for a free BBQ. I don't think I've ever been encouraged so much by someone sharing how God has used them while still being entirely humble about it. Their prime example of who they were as people extended beyond their words, not just in their actions explained. It was for me a very good example of a lasting Christian marriage, they didn't talk about it, nor did I ask them. It came up briefly that they'd been married about 30 years. I did however notice the surreptitious broad compliments and how they treated eachother. Its a nice thing when you can see two people who love eachother yet aren't excessively, sentimentally infatuated. That was Mike and his wife. I am extremely glad they took the time to talk.

If the alarm didn't go off

By 6:30 this morning I was not ready to get out of bed, I was ready to get back into it. By 8:00 I was sitting on a delayed train, due to some sick person on the train in front (later found out excessive vomiting all over the carriage) which had to have an ambulance called and took a massive 15minutes to get there. Devouring more of the endless The Potato Factory (heh just dawns on me why it's called that now) feeling very sleepy. By 3:00pm the only thing I felt capable of doing was going home and falling asleep for some hugely long period of time. By 3:30pm I was lamenting the fact that I had to stick around work until 8:30 due to a work Christmas party (not the staff one, but the 'friends' one) and all I wanted to do was sleep. By 4:00pm I had serious contemplations of getting the train home and abandoning Jess (who hadn't even gotten there - she was waitressing) with people she'd never met before, all for sleep. A full day. Busy is good, bar the site surveys, which I am slowly getting used to and still thoroughly hate doing. A full evening with fairly low key (unpaid) help from me. And now I am online at 10:15. Call me a fool because I am one. I'm going to bed.

Mapping Character

Before I write anything I will first state that I do not mean (by mentioning any particulars) that I dislike them, in fact I admire them beyond all reason, I love them as friends. Here is evidence I am entirely human which I hope I've made extremely clear before this, but if anyone mentioned is cast in a bad light or anything I honestly don't intend it that way. I cannot entirely guard what I think all the time and I am chosing to be honest about it as I hope if read by those I mention that they would understand. (and I'm writing the above after this rambling thought has made it into quite a few pages of my journal, it's good to utilze the slightly more honest medium sometimes, even if your wrists do get sore)

In the past I have looked at character in direct relation to something of myself. Flaws, specifics, strengths. The whole phrase 'a character flaw' should first be rendered null and void as flaw is what accentuates and in it's entirety is character (let me finish before you think of ifs and buts). Flaws are the pock marks, no not the only ones. Character should be defined and remembered as us in our complete screwy wonderful selves. I am a, and have character. Even the most boring person in the world has character. I have had in the past year tastes of Godly character and a bit more insight - I hope into how God puts the play dough of life through bendings and breakings to make what he wants (yet it's still play dough hmmm). The volumes of promises that present us as marathon runners with the goal being the only real port of call and the author to write where each next foot should go. The doxology in Jude that jas alerted me to last night is one such promise, "To him who is able to keep you from falling and to present you before his glorious presence withouth fault and with great joy..." Jude 12:24 And why character say, not in direct relationship to myself? I was looking in the mirror and thinking, as you do and somehow it dragged itself on to _ and _. Particularly _ and how she has seemed ot change over this year..*edit*... by this stage I had a very good inkling that I was being thoroughly judgemental. I started thinking about appearance. If for instance I totally changed myself externally. Bathrooms are females private experimental worlds to do makeup or hair radically differently to waht they would ever dare in public and dispose of any evidence of the childhood game of dressing up. (to slam a disclaimer on this as it is a generalisation and a funny observation, I don't too seldom indulge but I think if you are female you might know what I'm talking about) Pretend. How much do I change? Does attitude express through style? In many ways I think we'd like to think so. I cannot however hard I try feel comfortable in non-me clothes. Low risk Rebecca, blend in, don't care hugely about the latest trend, but don't want to look like an absolute dag, try nice but not so nice it looks like you're trying, Bec. Err okay... lost train of thought for a moment. Right. _ In considering who I was, I got a forewarned slap in the face. Externally we can be what we want. We can go from brown hair to blue hair, blonde to black. But that is not characer nor even a very sucessful attempt at portraying waht's inside. Sure they claim goths or hippies or 'tweens' express themselves through what they wear. I'm sure we all subconciously at least try, or hide behind whatever brand or the brand of no brand we choose. But characer is different. In many ways I feel like I am reguritating other people's good garbage on the whole, 'there is far more to people' theory. Perhaps I am. I thought I knew it before tonight, but I now don't think I've fully grasped it. Watching someone change externally is fun. You don't always like what yous ee, it is intimidating or wonderful or plastered across Womens Weekly and actually no direct concern of yours at all. Fat to skinny, plain to beautiful, miss average to the next Mary Donaldson. But when do we watch the internal change? How can you monitor that? I frequently hit points in my life where, "hey, there is something really different about me" and I either miss, or am happy about the change but I don't know how it happens. How do you map character? I was going to launch into some hypothesis I have about the being following doing and how at times it seems to work in reverse, but I think I will end up winding myself into a place where I can be called short and my theory left dry with some sound word butchering what I was trying to say. ie. I haven't really worked it out myself yet. External is not everything, not enough of an expression of character. Being is who we are. What we do is either a precursor into further shaping that being or extending it to wehre it can be seen and even then more exposed to alteration. I am glad this is no article so I don't have to come up with a contention or even be very precise. Maybe character is further removed from simple, complex or daring apperance than we think. Living true to how we are made? Sure, strive for that. Renewed minds and not conforming to the world (Romans 12:2), strive for that too. If a coins value is in what the government gives it and not the image it takes/wears with (that image with) no authority to determine the value, it is just another circular piece of metal with something engraved on it. As is the next coin which may be different again, but of no use until given value. And the next and the next. Value from authority. And with us that is God. Analogies. They should only ever be taken as far as to prove a point, beyond which they are flawed, although not like character. Analogies imediately cease to valuable when you hit a flaw. Once the flaw is pointed out they just simply suck. From my flawed rambly mind, journal and now blog. I give you some headspace.

Choices

I don't know if you have seen the movie Crash (2004/5, Don Cheadle, Sandra Bullock) if you haven't it is well worth making the effort. The feeling was not disimilar to what I felt after Hotel Rwanda. Less angry, still total frustration at the human race. It is very much based around racial discriminaton not just black vs. white Americans, and the plot is spectacularly woven together from multiple stories. Quite moving, disturbing in the same way that you feel powerless to do anything to stop the world walking its jaunty twisted way. I was going to go to the young adults group thing tonight, that didn't happen. I was at Jess's, Ana was unsure if she was going, my head was choked after the movie, I am unsure whether to tag along at the end of the year or just wait until next year. Choices. Funny how we think about things and still decide to do them even if they are fruitless, pointless, time wasting and relatively, well, just not the worlds greatest idea. We went to Chadstone. Hello materialistic capitol of Melbourne. Some 'mega' sale on store (ie: all) wide. It wasn't that great. Traffic was horrendous getting in, we parked smartly in a side street. (Bought David, Jess' brother along with us) The place was packed. Said hello to Alice in CottonOn. Tried to shop. Didn't get much. I found the Les Miserables dvd in Borders cheap, which I've been after for ages so I got that and a top. Jess and I had a really good talk in the car on the way there about church and ideas around that and what to do about various friendship circles. Good to challenge her on some stuff and in turn be a bit challenged. We discussed materialism on the way home. Jess's, "I'm starting to really get it". Which is all very well. But actions and words have to match, we did visit a place where it was pretty much rampant with it and although we didn't buy into much (quite literally) we still entertained the should be now less welcome stranger. I am quite simply a bit annoyed at myself for bothering to go shopping this evening. I was at the shops earlier today anyway after dropping the silly dvd back and looking for Christmas presents (entirely not very successful) until Jess picked me up. Such are choices, actions follow them and regrets chase after them like the wind.

Good phone calls

Hoorah! Job interview is all mine. 3pm Monday. prayer good. :D

So who do you like?

A long time online and nothing much here. To keep things shortish. Had a muchly enjoyable day with Sam. Lunch at the 'new cafe' didn't happen as it wasn't open nor does it serve lunch, the guy very kindly caught us leaving from looking in but could only offer us muffins and not well, lunch. We walked about a km up the road to Morrisons (the usual) after we checked C's which I discarded becuase I has no atmosphere and uses Curlz MT as a signage font. Bumped into Iain and his car. Decided Morrisons was too expensive so went for burgers from the Charcoal Chicken place. Walked the town, quite boring this actual place I live. Decided spontaneously to go to the movies (seeing as we now had Iain's car at hand). Drove all the way there. Decide there was nothing we wanted to see. Ho hummed for ages over renting something (for free as I got phone credit) Sam and I eventually got Bewitched. Drove home. Iain left. Movie wasn't terrible, but not real great either. Oh, before that I had to walk the dog, so Sam spent the time questioning me about guys which was funny and a tad annoying all at the same time :P That was my day. Nothing profound except for even more relationship orientated conversations, one of those between God and me. And now I must sleep once this massive file finishes downloading. A whole 27MB which is rather a lot from someone who doesn't *cough* download certain things (that cough being entirely directed at you Tom). No Bec does not like anyone. *edit: THANK YOU, another ripper of an article might have to take up the line about singleness and why I am. Although I have yet to entirely figure that all out.

Compromise

"Don't compromise something you would have normally experienced, just because circumstances have changed." This is something I said to a friend tonight, I'm leaving it here to think about more - whether it was the right thing to say. Any thoughts? I can't really share the situation to give you the context.

The how

How to keep going the way I have this year, next year. Which equates to exponential growth, despite not feeling entirely changed or different. To let people enrich my life. To 'walk in step' with the Spirit (re: Romans 8:1-17) This has come up today. Through this morning's 'brunch' where I sat outside on the verhanda, lazily journalled around the Romans passage and ate my out of habit fruit breakfast (toast all the way normally). I didn't pick the passage specifically, more opened Bible randomly found a bit I'd underlined and checked it out to see why. Familiarity as the verses were used a fair bit this year particularly in Warwick's classes. I threw a few questions in the air and tried to answer them by unpicking what was there. Was good, not intentional but I think/hope I got something out of it. Then tonight after getting home from YITS hangout BBQ at Jess VW's and I went outside to feed Job. I read a letter Jessmyn gave me, thought a bit about the year and what these people have each meant to me. Looked up at the stars and talked to God for a bit mostly about letting him have next year. Sometimes when I write stuff like the above, it sounds ridiculously pious. Which is annoying, because it is not, far from it. I shouldn't have to be concerned about that anyway. Blah, whatever I'm crapping on about I'm just writing what's in my head. So next year. Profoundity in that: wanting to continue good habits but still move on so I am not eternally Rebecca of 2005? No probably not. I am different to what I was at the start of this year although exactly how I'm not sure. I was surprised today when I got to speak to Josh on msn. It's been what, nearly four years now? Strange having someone you knew but now don't know. (This is a Solomons person, my future brother-in-law's brother ;) I asked him, "So do you think you've changed?", "Oh, probably" I could answer that question with a definite YES. But ask me to delve deeper, that would require a lot more defragmenting. The how. Change, change, change. It is a good thing. From which to what? We are shape shifters.

In the dark

I was wondering what I'd put in here tonight. If I had done this a bit earlier it might have been more inclined to the pessimistic. Church this morning. Not terribly engaging. I got a little fed up with my friend making a few comments to me throughout the sermon but it wasn't facinatingly interesting at the same time. All stuff we've talked about before in Youth Min classes, Apprenticing and the Kingdom of God, this in regard to discussing church values etc. a continuation of last weeks sermon. Some talk afterwards of going to the young adults home group (that is only advertised by word of mouth) on Wednesday, it all depends on Ana calling me and giving me the inspiration to go. I don't know about the whole 'feeling welcomed' thing, it hasn't been overly apparent to me thus far on the peer level aside from the few I know through school. Went up to my Grandparents place for afternoon tea. Took the camera and went photo happy in my Grandpa's massive and almost immaculate garden. I can't be entirely bothered just yet making them small enough to keep flikr content so you can wait. I was looking through them after offloading them and was quite amazed at what I miss with just my 'natural eye'. Magnified detail is so perfect. Very pleased at some of the shots. Wasted some time watching some junk TV. Seeing as it is almost the Aus Idol final which I have only been watching in fragemented sections (due to severely waned interest after two years ago) and siblings minor obsessions with the show. Kate and Emily left. None of the songs were particularly inspiring. The single as pathetic as usual. I think that this show should be on its last legs. That and Kate should win. Who wants another R&B CD anyway? I don't think I'll bother watching any more ever. Eats time like nothing else. Better music can be found on those plastic circular things that are also rapidly going out of fashion. Someone explain ITunes and such to me. Useable without an Ipod? What's the deal. I have ITunes software on my computer for some reason and people keep mentioning it. How much do songs cost and how do you pick them etc... I am too lazy to research. Bring back the Amazing Race and I might start watching TV again beyond the 'real life' Medical shows (don't do drama - time issues). How sad. I should really watch the news and become re-informed with the world, I haven't seen it in months. I have been battling a bit with being 'engaged' when it comes God stuff - this has been over the past few weeks. The so called 'quiet time' has slipped into halfhearted attempts late at night. I changed tactic a little bit and did something a bit more creative as I'm simply getting really bored just sitting and reading/writing. I don't know how well it worked so to speak, but it got me intentionally talking honestly to God. File name: Visual Prayer Journal or some blah like that. Dump photo to fit the mood, write/type to God over it. Simple but different. This is not to say problems or issues are fixed. Prayer around me and God and the relationship there would be good. Its something I badly want and still find so hard to keep up. Frustrating. Tilla gave me this verse in my encouragement/concluding note. Matt 10:27 "What I tell you in the dark, speak in the daylight; what is whispered in your ear, proclaim from the roofs." I have been thinking about it.

Saturday one

I have spent my day...

• creating a cover letter with some timely advice from Tilla, I love email.
• dropping in my resume (and the cover letter which finally got done) at Dymocks
• shopping with the lovely Sam
• randomly itching my face because the stupid face wash stuff I bought does have that methyl/propylparaben in it (which I think is the problem). I had one picked out, all checked and then grabbed the 'mild' one at the last minute. Stupid girl Rebecca. Products of the cosmetic kind cost way too much, remind me why I never usually buy them?
• researching exhibitions (mostly the free ones) and such activities around Melbourne in the coming montshs, so that I can spend some of all this free time immersing myself into good culture
• reading The Potato Factory -Bryce Courtney, which I'm only about a third through still. It is thorougly engrossing, rather a bit more crude than I usually allow myself to read and I wouldn't want to see the movie unless it is tamed down rather a lot. I can't not finish it. Imagination is a good thing you can place way more limits on it than you can with a visual image.
• writing an email to Kerryn, the one person above all who I would have liked to do the 'affirmation' session on camp for. She couldn't come for some reason or other.

It has thus been quite a good day. Particularly as I can now let my Grandma know that I want something other than a voucher for a Christmas present, which would have to be a first in about four years. If things go as planned I shall go with her (I hope) to see Handel's Messiah at Hamer Hall (Melbourne Symphony Orchestra) on the 9th of December. Ah much excitement! If that falls through, I shall hope to nab some less attractive seats (C reserve) for myself as it isn't that expensive, although I may not be able to see. I have a significant attachment to this piece of music. Hoorah!

Freedom

I spent this evening at my cousin Jaclyn's graduation. So incredibally similar, yet so different from my own around the same time last year. I sat in the back (we were a bit late) living my freedom and marvelling at what I'll do with all my time, feeling heh maybe 'adult' or more so than usually let myself feel. Got to catch up with some old teachers, MJB (Mr Brown - methods teacher) was there, down from Sydney! I hadn't realised that Iain was going to be there until I remembered his sister Beth was graduating and that was only when I saw her. So had a bit of a camp/finishing debrief and general chat with him, sort of good in a way - the debrief thing. I didn't find out about going tonight until sometime today, it might have been last night I'm not sure. Laura was standing around doing a verbal comparison of us four girls and 'styles' before hand for Marita's (Em's friend)apparent benefit. "I'm more classic (Laura), Hannah's all very um popular/modern, Emily's retro, and Bec's casual". I found it quite amusing as it's all rather true. Hannah spends hours getting ready and I couldn't even be stuffed wearing makeup. I think you can look perfectly nice without it, saves so much time and hassle. Tomorrow I intend to go hand in a job application at Dymocks in Eastland. Tilla has recommended me and I think that Dave and I are fighting it out for the job. It would be mightly useful as I finish up at MBO by Christmas. I can get to Eastland by train, a vastly shorter trip than what I do now, and the pay would be considerably higher than my 'a bit' stingy current wage. Today I decided I'm not waiting around too much longer to get my manual P's and I'll just bite the bullet, get a couple of pro lessons and get my liscence asap as it has been far too long without that kind of freedom. Forget needing manual l. to use the little red car - it's Mum's coveted possession now. I'll buy a decent bomb as soon as I have saved enough. Had a sisterly whinge with Laura at mum and her overprotectiveness, I must say I was surprised she started it and not me as it is usually the other way around. According to Laura, John (her boyfriend) has tentative plans to spend his summer break working in Australia - that's about 3 months long (about May-June-July). My it shall be interesting if it happens, because we have to find room for him somewhere. I have started writing a mental list of how I can effectively use all this free time. More of that later though before late night thinkings get all ambitious. I will hopefully share so you can keep me accountable and I don't just spend the time sleeping and reading.

Concluding

I was sitting in front of the same old screen last night. I got so far as to open Blogger and then decided that, no it wouldn't be the best idea. I was and am still entirely at a loss of what to say and how to describe finishing (YITS). I surprised myself that there was no real crying and surprised myself further again that there was no huge feeling of loss. I cracked fractionally and felt as if I'd swallowed a pingpong ball when Kat was hugging me, bawling in my face and loving me with words. I had a strange response to Wednesday night, where I felt as if anyone dare to so touch me, or hug me or even maybe talk to me that I'd choke on over-sentimentality. It carried through to when I wandered up to the eating hall around 3:30am by myself to see if there was anyone I could be a silent companion with and if not, somewhere I could find space. It came through even to the following morning, where I flat refused Jess C and others 'morning hugs' with a, "No way, not in the mood" and ate cereal and drank tea without hardly a word to anyone The camp was relatively unstructured with 'Affirmation' sessions. Three for our large group. We sat circular reminiscient of the Wednesday of mid-year camp and the person whose name was drawn from the tub was sat in the middle. I am still slightly unsure now as to what I think of the whole process. It was nice. It was quite moving with certain people, particularly those who had someone deeply impact their year. I had the last session and I'm pleased I had partial darkness (evening) as I sometimes find it a bit disconcerting looking people in the eye when they are saying something nice. It was okay. I didn't feel elated or in a 'bubble of niceness' or however Jane explained it. I got Tom to scribe the lot for me as I would entirely forget otherwise, I'd rather look back on something later with some kind of memory aid and get more out of it than during the actual moment. The people I expected to talk did, which was good but well, expected. I found Mark probably the most encouraging as he is outside my immediate sphere of closer friends. The more external perspective was welcome. I let him know yesterday. Tuesday. I went for a walk to the cliffs (the camp was at Anglesea) with a group of the girls and Matt. I walked with Clare on the way, I haven't spent a whole lot of time with her this year it was definitely worthwhile finding out a bit more about where she is headed. She's at Tabor next year so I dare say I'll see her around if I drop by. Talked with Jane on the way back, someone who I should have spent more time with, she took the 'preaffirmation' thing to heart and said something to me before the night which was, I think far more valuable. Dave and I pretty much annoyed eachother (good naturedly) most of camp. Spent a good hour or so with Jane, Dave and the others that joined us later (Rowan, Tracey, Michael, Dawn?) on the couch one evening talking everything from 'hookups' (none) and past YITS years, what could have been discussed but wasn't, general relationships and other such things. Wednesday morning, Lena (Ocean Grove facilliator) talked about God's glory and pushed us out of the room to go and think about this year about being thankful and about where we are going to take things. It forced me to go and talk intentionally with God. I've felt very removed from God for the past week or so and those times that I've tried, haven't been very engaging. I took myself through where God has been throughout my year month by month. I came to how I was going to move on and reflecting on how through January to November I've asked God to show me the small ways (the 'little things') in how he is working. Wednesday night hit me like the flat of a hand when the majority of people's 'compliments/affirmation' were around the little things I'd done for them this year. I didn't realise it until I was thinking through it later. I am absolutely astounded sometimes at how God works. Wednesday afternoon was spent at the beach. Much fun. Covered in sand from digging a massive hole. I went so far as waist deep into the water and no more as it was fairly cold. After we came back I sat and made Jessmyn play (piano) for me, not that she minded. Beautiful, manual jaw closing talent. So, Wednesday night again. I sat for a long time in front of the fire listening to other people's conversations and Laura and Tilla playing guitar and singing. Sad songs, ballardy songs they allowed me to simply not think and just listen. Moving on? I made peace with God about it being the right time for this. Which might be why any sense of loss has been vastly lessened. Things have to end. This had to end, but will continue through the 39x10 different fingerprints left on my life. I am a far richer person from having known them. I am a far humbler person from having loved them. I am a far more thankful person for having to listen to them. I am indebted to how God has used them.

Licketysplick

Just about to head off to bed. It's before 1am!!!! No, I have camp tomorrow until Thursday and shall not I think, be getting much sleep. So this is to let you know I haven't died, mind you half the people who read this will be seeing me in person anyway. Gush meeting today. Train in, I looked out the window just past Croydon. I see this crash scene, guy sprawled on the ground and motorbike. I think he was moving, not really sure. Very messy, glass everywhere. Bad as that was, there was some intense road rage happening about two metres from him. Two guys wrestling/punching and generally fighting eachother, one had a motorbike helmet on there were two vehichles stopped nearby. This was happening all on a rather busy road, cars stopped around the edges. So that disturbed me for a little while. The meeting however was really good. I met John at Macca's, recognised him straight away (seeing as he was sitting near the window). Got some lunch, Jas called about 5mins later to see if I'd met him. Found our tram. Found the cafe. And many random gush details I wont disclose. Dylan was a waiter (have met him a couple of times before). So Prowdy, Tij, Paul, John, Burkies and myself there. Was good. Killed time after with Paul and John, getting icecream/iced coffee and walking down nearish the Yarra. Caught the train at 5:50pm. Had one of those people you think are watching you but aren't sure, due to sunglasses (ARGH!). I didn't have a book with me, so just music and zoned out/thought pretty much the whole way home. Now. Bed before it actually reaches 1am. More in four days or so. Prayer would be good, really good actually. There will be interesting things playing with my and pretty much everyone's heads re: leaving and finishing up. Sadness and that. Proof: see ^ I'm there.

Groups

Some YITS photos I got from Jess C, myself, Laura, Dawn, Iain, Tracey, Jess, Natalie Amey, Michael, Me, Jo, Katie, Rachel

Life

And so my sister begins her career. A nightime trip into the William Anglis to watch her first birth. I marvel yet again at the contrast of our lives. One womb. Similar life experience and yet here we are. She with a career relatively fixed, a relationship with a man she loves which will no doubt progress into marriage and then babies and then grandchildren. And me. No I’m not jealous. I am fractionally confused. I have no career path, I have no relationship, and I have no idea really where my life is going. I don’t know what I’ll do with myself beyond uni. I don’t know if this is even where my real ability lies. I cannot however hard I try, see myself in a nine-to-five job as I cannot see what kind of job that would be. What is with being the one who likes having goals, being planned? And having no footing there whatsoever. Trust. How can you do good in the world if you can’t find a need that you can meet? If you are waiting for one to fall into your lap because you don’t know any other way. I am not concerned about the future. I am concerned about the now. What am I doing with my life right now? What moments do we waste sitting around waiting for tomorrow?

Impromptu

I was doing the dishes last night when I suddenly realised I had said I was going to Jess D's for movie/pizza with some of the girls from school. Double checked the time to get there: 6:30, it was already past that. So I called her and came late. I enjoyed myself this time. It was Jess D, Jacqui, Ana, Natalie (!) and myself. Had a good chat with Jess on the way home. I asked the 'Where are things with you and God' question. Improved, but kind of status quo. Prayer for her would be good as she has no real desire or can't find any 'need' for God at the moment, "Feels like too much effort". And for me too, as I plan to catch up with her a fair bit more once camp is over and all that. Today I slept until 11ish. I was intending to do some nano'ing but didn't. I didn't do much at all really. Gushed a bit, msn'ed. Made some lunch, walked the dog. Very low key - I should have read some more of the Potato Factory (Bryce Courtney), I might do that tonight. So no great philisophical comments or even thoughts from me today. Have a gush meeting tomorrow. I get to meet John for the first time, shall be good. Have to get the train and sit out the long haul into Ascot Vale. Hope things will go well. I should really start ignoring the introvert inside me and at least talk a bit more.

Suit, tie and nice dress

Okay. Interesting morning this morning, woke up lateish (if you can call 10am late). Had to finish youth ministry assignment (on Gush)the last 300 words or so on Incarnational Mission. I'm not too sure how the latter part of the assignment went, but I'm a little bit beyond caring. Not too bad a job, it was one I wanted to do well on as it should hopefully be useful. I will think about putting it up here, but maybe not. So blearly eyed finished that and ran around working out when I had to be up at Sams. The printer stuffed up and Dad was nice and got all the jammed paper out for me. Walked really quickly up to Sam's and we (April also) caught the bus from there. Sorry Sam, I was rather too tired to feel like being very social. The traffic was extreme. We did get to see the burnt nothing remains of the Kilsyth Club thing but the bottleneck near Bunnings due to roadwork was shocking. We missed the bus to get to Tabor. Left April at Eastland and started walking really quickly (yet again) towards Oban Rd. I thought it'd take us about 40 minutes. While walking we messaged Rowan to see if he was at Tabor and if anyone could pick us up. Assignment deadline is 1pm Friday. We had 25 minutes to do a ~40min walk. We got about 20mins into it, quite a fair way and Michael drives past (according to Sam), I called him but he had to get elsewhere and was already late it. However just then, Ben came to our rescue (in Row's office and heard about it). Much thanks Ben! (not that he reads this). Hurrah for God! Got stuff in just on time. Went back to Eastland to try find bathers for me. Had some lunch, went and said hello to Dave who was unpacking strawberries and looked absolutely wrecked, attempted to say hello to Tilla but she was busy with a customer. We bumped into Dave again when he was on his lunch break and so we all went hunting together. I had no luck mostly bar one whose price tag didn't even let me consider it. Dave refused to come into Bras and Things which Sam and I had a bit of a laugh about (don't blame you dave :P). Wound up in Myers. Found some, the same I've thought about for a while. Paid a bit more than I might have normally but I need them for camp and just genearlly. They should I hope last for ages. Waited out for the bus. We were talking to Dave about last night and about general yits stuff. About people really. About the victories that I've seen. I was actually thinking about this late last night. Dawn came up to me so excited, "This is the first time I've been to soemthing like this (formal) and have not been comparing myself to the other girls". Kerryn and her Rohan and her misgivings about ever having someone. Jess C and her finally speaking up in class on the very last class. Darryn and his confidence thats skyrocketed. (Surely not all in the suit :P)... and the other things I haven't seen/heard. The change that even I've undergone since the start of this year. It was funny when Dawn said that to me last night. I didn't think much of it until getting home. I was really quite tired through the formal I'm not a party kind of person. How I was subconciously doing the comparing thing. I hate rebound compliments and they run riot at formals. I don't like how formals change the dynamics of a people group, sometimes only ever so slightly. Everyone looked fantastic, but yeah. So last night. I enjoyed myself a lot. The venue was great, food nice, music not bad and people quite perfect. I sat next to Sarah (Tom's) was good to finally meet her. She's really nice Tom and I'm not just saying that. She's a twin too, so we had a bit of common ground to go off. The movie Ben, Kym and the others put together was funny and really well done. Had the whole awards giving thing - I got something about blogging. Heh whoever had input into awards must know I do or someones made a biggish deal about it. Rowan came up later and asked how he might get the link. I was thinking about it. Jess C asked the other day (and I avoided a direct no. because that's what it would be) So Hi Rowan anyway. Yeah selectivity, I don't mind giving it to people I trust, there are also limitations I guess on people I've written stuff about and have issues just frustrations over. This does not mean I don't respect them, Jess W for example despite being a really good friend heh well no. Had a reasonable chat to Alecia and Mark (and Jane earlier). Didn't really dance and I wasn't dragged up there despite a few threats. Hurrah! I might have been coerable if I was in a better frame of mind. So had some melancholic moments throughout the evening. Oh I'm going to hate leaving these people and what we've had this year so much. I did enjoy myself Jo. I wasn't lying when I said that. This is such a long and rambly post about just what's happened. What happened to theoreticals and decent writing? Oh well maybe when things are less busy or less changeable. I can't think of what else needs/should/might be said. And just been called for dinner, so I'll leave things here.

Dare you to move on

A cruel irony. 'Dare You to Move' is playing on the radio just as we're pulling into home. Last day of classes today. They played this song at the start of year camp. Nice of it to be a round ending. yes, that was sarcasm. So that is it. Year In the Son 2005. We have a camp this coming Monday (to Thursday) and a formal tomorrow night. So not quite over. I haven't allowed myself to feel what I know I want to be feeling, or I'd be denying self. I guess I'm saving it? Correction on that also. We went to Nat's place to hang out/swim as a finishing group focus. I swam for a bit. Chatted with Emma and few others. Later went to the lounge and just sat and listened to Matt and then Jessmyn play . I guess just thinking, gave my mind some room, talked to God. Katie, I'm desperately sorry I didn't get to hang out with you more this week. Youth Min. Had to self-assess our journals. I was getting input from Sam and Jo (blog readers) as to what's the theme/s been (since August). Sam pulled the word 'understanding' out of thin air. I used it. Understanding of myself, of God, of the world around/beyond me. This has been my year, not just my youth ministry journals. Sure it's a very broad kind of theme but it's true. It does however leave a lot of room for extrapolation. Another part of this self assesment was to list two questions that have come up. > Is God enough? > "Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?" and dealing with these questions, The first demands no less than to daily evaluate myself/motives/desires. The second? well ha, living for the present shall help, that and taking the opportunities (and being aware) of what God is doing and how I can join him in doing whatever that is. I decided that doing a self-feedback thing on journalling is really quite helpful, however difficult it is to pull out antianomalies after several months. Ending. Shall I, shall I not think about it? Forever is not an option. Change is inevitable. I will move on, I will change, I will probably leave many people behind. The difficulty lies in not leaving what I became this year, because if leave that behind I will leave a good proportion of myself. It is perhaps unfair to the rest of life to say that I found my footing a bit this year, but true. I looked at the hopes and fears that Rowan had saved from the first Group Focus class. I have faced them, met them or they weren't an issue. Cynicism came externally not internally. The others were all relationship orientated. I worked hard on this. I took risks. I let people closer. God drew a lot into place. I'm not all there. A long way to go. Confucious thought that, "A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step." I had to take more than one to reach a point of beginning. It amuses me some of the people God's used to work in this area and why they needed to be exactly the way they are, however frustrating it can be at times. Why must good things end?

Trust and the Cinderella Syndrome

What a good day! Nicely pertaining to last night. I have for the past few days been continually stumbling over trust related things. A text I chose to do a New Testament Assignment (Bible Study) on. The Sermon and a book I read last night. Sunday was awkward in the morning. I felt entirely unable to 'connect' with most of everything re: music, sermon etc... except for the satisfying observation about the trust thing. Massive dissatisfaction and all those other feelings I can't quite find names for. I did hang around with Analise a fair bit. Talked to Daniel, who does YITS at Berwick, compared assignment loads a few ending up thoughts, he's a good mate of Janice's so I've met him a bit more than some of the others down there. Saw Trev, Curls and Steve (didn't get to say hello to Steve) as they are now all back from England. Trev looks the same, Curls quite different, Steve as ever. So the people side of church thing was alright. Sunday night. Shower, got thinking about how I'm feeling/thinking dissatisfied and all that at the moment. Really in many ways uncertain about what next year holds and how I'm going to cope after having this fanatastic learning stream 3 days a week, to practically nothing barr Sunday morning. Oh, that and relationship thoughts that come up once in a while. Anyway I go frustratingly, 'argh I need something to read God' was really not in the mood for flicking open to Pslams or Daniel whatever (Honestly sometimes I need to build on others thoughts before I can come to the Bible, its the way my head works. This does not mean I limit myself to their understanding or reading the Bible for myself no way, but when my head is already choked with thought it's a useful tactic if there is suitable material around). I find, in Mum's almighty stash of books to sell, one called, "The Cinderella Syndrome" by Lee Ezell. It looks really quite old. The photo of the author tells all. (1985). Anyway chosing to intentionally ignore the "Discovering God's Plan When Your Dreams Don't Come True" I decided to give it a shot. I read thing from cover to cover. Yes the book was aimed at females, some at married females. Talked a lot about satisfaction, contentment and trust. I needed to hear a lot of what was being said. Despite the page not being particularly relevant, the phrase, "After all is said and done, relationships are truly the only things that really matter". Stuff like that makes me laugh and wonder at God's humour. Today. Woke up quite happy (something to do with an earlier night perhaps?). A busy last Tabor Monday. Went down to Eastland with Jane and Dave at lunchtime to pick up some stuff for the end of year party (event we are running) tomorrow. Had a meeting with all the group for that. Attempted to work out if everything was covered. I think we'll be right. Quite a miraculous 'everything comes together' from all the trouble we've had around money. Accountabilty. Ha, we finally prayed. About time! How pathetic :P Arranged tentitively to work out how we are going to keep operating after this week is up. I don't have a clue how some people's minds work nor what I think of them. It is 12:01am, goodbye last YITS Monday.

Good afternoon

BBQ with the Mellows today, at our place. Was good to catch up with them. Talked a lot, laughed much, played some cards. Kevin (14) Leon (14) Phillip (17)

Blind Spot

Ha! Will you look at that! Article from Boundless

In college I learned about "Johari's Window." The window, a square with four quadrants, is a self-awareness tool. The first quadrant represents open area — the things you know about yourself and others know about you. The second quadrant represents your blind spots — things others know about you that you don't know about yourself. The third section represents the hidden area — things you know about yourself that you have not disclosed to others. And the fourth quadrant represents the unknown area — things neither you nor others know about you.

We talked about Johari's Window re: relationships in Youth Min the other night. How bizzare. Also about the importance of feedback. I had a 'feedback' discussion with Monica the other night re: class. Was good, despite qualms it would shift the friendship to mentor/mentoree. To all those who have pointed out blindspots of mine and communicated them kindly enough so that I'll listen. Thank you. You are the friends I trust and value the most. ...and no, that isn't a call to point out everything wrong with Rebecca.

Time out

Had all three meals outside today. I like our verhanda. I like the sun. I like warmness. I don't like the dog barking every three seconds. Took laptop out to the table to get myself away from the distraction of the internet. Ploughed through getting all Special Ministry topic journals together and doing Kingdom of God assignment. At lunch I moved on to attempting to write my NT Bible study. A simple 500 words on any New Testament text you so choose for whatever audience sounds quite easy. HA. I changed my mind about 15 times. I have finally settled on doing the Centuion's faith story thing in Matthew 8. I got pretty much nothing done. Outside was fairly free of distraction aside from the stupid dog and the time I made the move to the hammock and came oh so close to falling asleep. Hit 4:00pm. I walk inside and find Sam looking for me. Didn't hear her come in (sorry Sam :P)We ended up wandering up to Morrisons (the cafe whose coffee card I've gotten numerous free ones on, the best within walking distance). I had a latte, Sam a milkshake, we shared this berry cheesecake thing. It was GOOD! Spent over an hour up there talking and talking and more talking. Bit of laughing, bit of serious talk, bit of idle chatter. Very enjoyable. Thanks Sam! There was a really old St. Johns' Ambo guy there in full uniform. I had a bit of an internal chuckle (theres a word that's a bit annoying) at some of the conversation he was having with those around him. Sam and I gave eachother a few grins over stuff he said. Hehe, an old lady came up to say goodbye to him. Some old ladies are just really beautiful, despite having all old hands and wrinkles and everything, she had these really cheerful eyes and nice smile. He points to the skin on her hands and goes, "You have the same problem as me." Then he proceeds to talk about how horrible the drugs are and they use all these brilliantly non-modern words and are just superbly carrying on conversation as polite half-strangers. Yes Sam I was listening :P Only took a moment to take that in. Nothing much else happened after getting home. I don't know where all my time went this evening. Jess came over to get her computer doctored by Dad. That's about all. Someone stood on my Palmers Cocoa Butter bottle thing (best stuff in the world)without realising it, hence moisturiser all over the carpet, big mess. Not too impressed. At least it doesnt smell too much (and rather nice)and is no horrendous colour.

Culture to culture

Australians are bigots. At least when it comes to Americans. Nothing frustrates me more when certain people I know complain about American's as if they were all 'George Bush' etc. How they tie everything back to Hollywood and America's responsibility for world deconstruction. I don't like generalisations: which means I have to take back the first line of this blog. Oh I'm sure I make them all the time. I cannot wipe myself from the blame I do it myself. Cultures don't understand eachother. Emily dumped a book in my lap tonight (borrowed from Emma). 'God Chicks' by Holly Wagner. I gave it a random flicking. 'Too Hollywood'. Overuse of the word Destiny and Awesome. Chicks. I hate that phrase. So not for me. Simple. I don't read it. Phillip Ashley and his fiance sent a webpage link thing to us tonight. The Ashely's are SITAG people. American's yes. It is quite amusing, so vastly different from what most Aussies would do. It's not what I would do. Okay so there - someone I know would say, "Thats so typically American". Not to bag the Ashey's, they are great people. I didn't get to know Phillip very well (more so his sister Susan) as they left the Solomons before us. Uncle James has the best fudge recipe in the world. Extremely hospitable. Karen is from the deep south. Hey this is the way they do things. Contrast one American family with another. My future inlaws... well not mine exactly. Sister's potential. They wouldn't dream of doing something like that. John would die of shame (that and Laura wouldn't let him). I don't really know where this blog is actually going. The Carters. Have I talked about them before? Surely. John Carter. One day (we all hope) will get enough money together to come over and marry Laura. Meanwhile. I was thinking about this tonight not sure why. John's a mountain climbing kind of guy. Quiet. Insanely sensible. A thinker. No fuss. Wouldn't even tell someone it was his birthday if he could get away with no celebration. I know him enough, but I've heard enough from Laura to know this kind of stuff. I know Kristen and Josh far better. Hrm, is this relevant to anything before. I guess I'll tie up a loose end by saying. American families contrast sharply just like Australian or any other nationality families do. Their family is practically our family. :P Now just to make things legal. Josh added me to his msn the other night. Haven't caught him online yet, but that's what time differences will do to you. That'll be interesting. Kristen's a few years younger than me. Hanna and Joseph younger still. Bob and Dad are like best mates (and colleages, oh that's right, Dad's back now). Mum and Amy are good friends. Hanna and Hannah are like 'this'. Kristen, Em, Josh and I are/were all fairly close. Joseph :) well he just fits in somehow. and Laura and John. Well! I don't need to say anything. The people I want to see... Lunchtime today, I got a craving to go see the ocean. So I went. I had to walk really fast to make it there and back and only got about 5 minutes down there. I needed to find the space, I needed to see somewhere with a clear horizon. Talked to God a bit, and just um let myself live the moment. I walked to the water's edge and stood on there. The beach was almost empty. A couple were walking further down, aside from that, it was just me in this expanse. I've always seen the sea as this place that isn't really tied to any country. 20 minutes later I was back behind a desk.

Accountability group

And so I came up with the thoroughly tacky 'counties' term by complete accident. This is Jomcgo, K of the T and me :) About a week or two ago.

Esse quam videri

"To be, rather than to appear"

Red observations and purple thoughts

As of two minutes ago I was in a not so exuberant mood. I hate hate hate shopping when you go intentionally and can't find anything. What do they make bathers for now? Show? or the junk heap. Ugly and impractical. Wish I hadn't lost my last ones. I get home. Email from Jane showing how bad budget is for end of year party (which is next week). Two emails below that is one from Angela (finance person at Tabor) and they've finally decided we worked hard enough so they are being more generous which means we are saved and can deliver on what the posters promised. So good, not to have to stress about that. Hurrah for God! Wrote a shockingly long to-do list on the train. Had copious amounts of time as the weather affected the power which affected the train signals. Which meant I had to sit on the already late train for ages, then change, then sit even longer and stop, start, stop, start. Took me nearly 2hours to get to work (not quite). The book I bought with me was decidedly badly written so I gave up after chapter 6. My headphones started playing up, so now only one ear piece works properly. The rechargeables have already worn out so it's running on others that could run out very suddenly but thankfully didn't. Work wasn't too bad. Except for having to do two site surveys, one of which I got out of because the person wasn't available. I hate phones. Oh how optimistic this all sounds. Was overtired. The coffee at work isn't as great as it used to be for some reason. I can't bring myself to drink coke yet after too much social justice talk so had Sunkist which in reality is probably just as bad. I think it's placebo. So it was tea when I got there, and coffee this afternoon ha ha no, not fair trade. The races are on. I don't know which ones now. I entirely missed seeing the cup on Tuesday - I don't really care much. Heaps of dressed up, hat/facinator/low cut dressed at the station. Look a bit ridiculous, a lot of them. Ha, but then onto the train. Wow, it was so entirely amusing. These four old (60yrs'ish) women, chatting really loudly. They were coordinated perfectly. Purple and red, each different, all matching. It was really quite funny. I saw the older guy facing me turn around and look have a bit of a laugh to himself. I was grinning behind my hand and headphones. They had an animated conversation about how 'young men' should be polite by offering their seats up, and then questioned whether people should offer seats to old men etcetera. "It's manners". They were dressed to varying taste. The woman whose face I could see had a fairly flat purple hat with bright red feathers around the brim, it was pretty tacky, but some of the others had it just about right. It made me think of the movie, "Mrs. Calidcot and the Cabbage War" - old ladies with attitude. I couldn't see them for most of the trip as the train was packed, but when they got off, red feathers had hot pink bag and umbrella. Ah dear. Was perfect and unusal and so entirely entertaining. They walked out as if they were dressed to the nines and into a culture entirely unlike that of the 21st Century. Home now. Late but not really. Have got in the door and need to head dump to page. Last night. Hello brain immaturity. Began to seriously question what I'm doing with my life. I really like Tabor. I mean really like it. The community aspect of the place, the people. I have previously questioned coming back one day. So I reconsidered (this was running through my head about a month back) next year and not going to uni, but going to do a Bach. of Ministry or something (at Tabor) instead. I had myself semi-convinced as of the moment that uni seems pretty pointless, I am unsure about my course, I don't know if it is what I want to do with my life. I am interested in it yes, but yeah. Talked about 'the Christian Bubble' ie: the fish tank analogy for those youth min people. I pushed this idea to the side. I know it, I knew it, I wanted to ignore it. There is still relevance where I am at the moment (head arguement). I'm finding it really hard to look that far ahead to when I am no longer studying. I am not entirely sure if I intentionally directed the conversation towards feeling really out of community, I guess lost. Not really having a church. Not that traditional definitons of church really do anything for me at the moment. They don't. I go to hope to get something out of the sermon, thats it. I don't have relationships there, ha I don't even have many familiar places, I don't have people to look up to, or people to look up to me. Essentially. I think I was, and am afraid what will happen next year. I know exactly what I should be doing (which is going forward as planned next year), and how irrational I was being last night. "So do you want to go to Tabor to exist in a Christian community, or do you want to do a Bachelor of Ministry?" I knew the answer to this question Paul before you asked it. My motivations for staying are wrong. It is not the time for me to be sticking around. Someone might have well have taken the piece of paper of my life and folded it and cut squares and bits out of it for all the places I've left. Leaving things sucks, I'm so tired of it. But I needed to hear that, really needed to have a slap in the face with my own rationality from another's words. Thank you. Sleep and a 30 second thought on the train about it this afternoon and things are so blindingly obvious. What messed with my head was not good, I guess in some ways it's useful to deal with it before I get three months down the track and wonder if I'm in the wrong place. Well theres a varied blog post if I ever saw one. Now to ha, actually do those things on my to-do list.

Messy head

Heh. Good day? Bad day? Really frustrated at people this morning. Once at tabor things were okay. Nearly died in the Caf it was so hot. Hung around afterwards watching people wash cars. Talked a bit with Rachel. Tracey got me with a drink bottle - all wet down one side. Swing dancing, Tilla gave me a look and asked if I wanted the girls bit. To confess I'm over it. I couldn't be bothered learning the new part, so I said no and bluffed my way through it all. Ha what happened to the good coordination last week? It improved after the first 20mins, but before that... well. Lifeskills. Best it has been in months. Kaylene (Nat's sister) did it on Shared living vs. Community living. It was really interactive, helpful, interesting. It renewed my strong desire to move out and do something like this (Community living). $$'s wise it is not practical at the moment. I don't care what people say. I know it's this way, which does suck but yeah. Time between group focus and youth min. I spent in the caf, with Emma, Anthony (non-yitser), Dave, Jess, Alecia, Jo, Darryn and Tom (but only for a bit). Enjoyable, rambly hang out time. Messed with Dave's laptop, read his nano. Wrote on notebook thing. Listened/joined conversation with Emma - ha, I can't even really remember what it was about, was interesting though. Stole Anthony's chips. Said hello to Katie (caf) got dinner. Got more wet when sprayed by stupid baloon pump. Thanks Dave. Then class. Was not particularly in the mood for Warwick style teaching. He's great just sometimes gets a bit on my nerves re: mood. We had him half the time talking the more 'boring stuff' ie: duty of care etc. in youth min stuff. Then a guy Dave came spoke about relational models. Ie. importance of feedback, speaking honestly 'the hard truth'. It was good. But he spoke quite slowly (well, just long pregnant pauses - stupid cliche) which got frustrating. Worthwhile though. Warwick said something really encouraging to me as I was walking out. One of those very surprising comments. Battle raging in my mind re: next year. Prayer good. I also need to learn to listen to people. I think I sort of know the answer. I don't know if I like it.

Take two for the present tense rest

Nanonono. 1035 words. I should have double that by now. Sleep is more important. People are more important still. Interesting how the word rest is in the word restore. I've never noticed that before.

Hebrews 4 A Sabbath-Rest for the People of God 1Therefore, since the promise of entering his rest still stands, let us be careful that none of you be found to have fallen short of it. 2For we also have had the gospel preached to us, just as they did; but the message they heard was of no value to them, because those who heard did not combine it with faith.[a] 3Now we who have believed enter that rest, just as God has said, "So I declared on oath in my anger, 'They shall never enter my rest.' "[b] And yet his work has been finished since the creation of the world. 4For somewhere he has spoken about the seventh day in these words: "And on the seventh day God rested from all his work."[c] 5And again in the passage above he says, "They shall never enter my rest." 6It still remains that some will enter that rest, and those who formerly had the gospel preached to them did not go in, because of their disobedience. 7Therefore God again set a certain day, calling it Today, when a long time later he spoke through David, as was said before: "Today, if you hear his voice, do not harden your hearts."[d] 8For if Joshua had given them rest, God would not have spoken later about another day. 9There remains, then, a Sabbath-rest for the people of God; 10for anyone who enters God's rest also rests from his own work, just as God did from his. 11Let us, therefore, make every effort to enter that rest, so that no one will fall by following their example of disobedience. 12For the word of God is living and active. Sharper than any double-edged sword, it penetrates even to dividing soul and spirit, joints and marrow; it judges the thoughts and attitudes of the heart. 13Nothing in all creation is hidden from God's sight. Everything is uncovered and laid bare before the eyes of him to whom we must give account.

Enter into rest. Present tense. Rest as an act of obedience? Rest. I don't do it well. I can't remember if it was talked about as a spiritual discipline in class a few weeks back, I have a funny feeling it was. A Sunday is not a Sabbath even if we go to church. Can a life be lived effectively with significant rest periods? The world will keep turning without our focussed input. Rest. Take two is a scrabble game, can I take two hours out for rest, for God, for doing nothing but 'resting'? Not sleeping. Resting. Stopping. Existing. Living. Resting. Restore. Take two.

Head wash

Put a hole in my head and my brain would just drip out onto the keyboard. Car wash this morning. Disorganised mayhem which had me on the brink of yelling at least three people if not more. Those kind people who gave off the apperence that they were doing something by holding a sponge and waving it didn't (quite literally) help. There were way too many people on one car at a time. There was no organised system. The second hose was unusable and when usable lasted about ten minuites before breaking. I don't know exactly how many car's we did. It took a lot longer than it should have, and it cut into the start of class time. Some short bursts of waterfight type action, I got well and truly wet, but too much stuffing around. Jane has far more patience than I ever will. I had too much sun, I forgot to bring water so aside from stealling most of Michael's I have a headache. I can't be stuffed walking the dog. I should be doing homework, I should be nano'ing. Fat chance. Seriously Michael has no clue when it comes to complimenting people, maybe just who he is, but dropping them left right and centre? I told him to mean it if he said it, didn't quite work (ie: compliments lack value when overused, ha maybe I should have been more clear.) as he said he does mean them. *shrug* Aside from that, I'm really quite cheerful. I have Caf tomorrow which means no more carwashing for me. It is wondefully warm. The homework is really not so bad. The nano will be quite enjoyable. Lets go find drugs for the head and return to life as fully functioning human being.

November 1

And so Nanowrimo begins. I wrote 555 words last night - was pretty tired and the going was slowish, I think it'll be faster next time I put fingers to keys. Much thanks to Dave whos typo gave the inspiration for a name. We shall see how this all goes. Why online and not writing right now? Well I intended to finish off some homework this morning - nothing stops the procrastination disease. Carwash today. I'm getting to Tabor early, 11:30 or so. I believe we're all going to end up quite wet. Jane deserves to put in a hall of fame or something. Bought the Ignate CD off of Rowan yesterday. Had it on over breakfast to torture Emily, who after hearing less than a minute decided she hated it. I don't blame her, it took a bit to grow on me, maybe that I've had it coupled with a few situations/incidents/God times that I like it more. It is going to be fantastically warm today. This is the weather I was born for. Tomorrow even warmer. Hello November. I like you already.