No time

Finished. 2000wrds on the book of Job. a Bible Study thing. Major pest to write. Done. Not posting here, not worth it, boring and long. More 'other' to do. Too busy. Consequently, no journal time, no God time, no other time. What am I doing online? Talked with Burkes (don't hurt me!) last night about Bible reading. How yeah, I'm not getting much out of it, nor very motivated. Encouraged, maybe even a bit motivated to get back into it, with more specific intentions rather than my read and forget method (that I seem to use for everything). God poked me again on the way home today about that. Haven't done it. I should get offline.

Prophesy (unabridged)

Good day today. Interesting and weird stuff about angels and demons in Doctrine. Of which led to a conversation at lunch with Sam, Warrick (CL lecturer), Tom, Kym and a few others that were just there. I said how I'd been thinking - strangely about angels yesterday (before I knew this mornings topic) for no apparent reason. Warrick asked if it happened a lot or before or soemthing, and my 'Oh all the time'... led me, very surprisingly to proceed to tell him of some of the bizzare stuff. The ideas I get in my head (or verses) to tell others. Let off quite a speil, strange because there were a few others there. Even mentioned how I thought God has told me how long until I get married or something (but am holding that pretty loosely). Anyway, Warrick asked me about prophesy and did I think it was that... not sure, maybe. Was reminded of a conversation or two I had with various people about stuff like this and how _ was saying it might be prophesy. Not to say the idea does not sit right or anything, it's just a little hmm... thought provoking, strange (I like that word too much tonight). Warrick encouraged me to pray about it, and about God, you using me to speak into others lives. If you want me to do that so be it. I wouldn't mind knowing a bit more really, the experience I had with a prophesy someone gave me, well was mixed. It was nothing huge I guess, just a note she passed to me. Encouragement, that was good. But then something about reminding me that God was with me through this tough time - an unbeknown to her - there wasn't one, not for months. Skeptism about it all. I appreciate her doing what she thought God was telling her to do and saying what she though, but yes. Then again, maybe that was for now, not the actual words, but the experience - thought prompting. Yes, so interesting day. Good time hanging otu with Katie, Sam, Tom, Mark, Dave... hmm there was someone else there. Talked about love in CL. Good stuff, wish we had more time though. More about that maybe tomorrow.

Rebirth (elaborated)

So my mind running parallel avenues. That of today and of a song 'Re-birth' by Ignate which surprisingly due to style, somehow found it's way into the favourable. An elaboration on some of what I wrote earlier... --------

rebirth my faith to child like

Went to Paul's church today, for gush mission spot thing. Tij, Cathy and Prowdy also there.

Interestingly I most enjoyed being in a 'non-disfunctional' church (all churches are to a certain extent, but yeah). It was like it should be. Maybe I've never really connected with WPC (my church) properly. I love the place, the people - those I still know. I like it for memories sake but it's not working for me anymore. I might wear critical lenses, having been a part of it for so long... It's missed something. Maybe it's the community aspect. You see them Sunday and that's it. I miss that, surrounded by community for most of my life 24-7 to nothing.

Differences: the older people enjoyed themselves, there was genuine...joy, worship. A freedom WPC lacks.

I feel constricted.

and at the moment I don't really know what to do about it.

Change churches is the obvious, but to where? Is that what you want?

So they are kicking the ___'s out of church. Strange really. They've been there so long, and I never knew. Yeah I saw them walk out of church that time... and names mentioned in passing. 3 years it's been going on. I don't understand how people can get in and intentionally work to create factions in a church because of their dislike of the pastor, changes etc... Christianity - what about living it?

Lunch at La Porchetta's... I think that's pizza of some variety 3 days in a row now, didn't mind to much. Then found a park near the Murrabanong (sp?) river. Dry but beautiful. Prowdy led us on some bush bash... explore the area thing. Was good.

Encouraged to hear about gush/merge stuff first hand. Emails and MSN really don't do ideas justice... made some things clearer. Good to hang out with them all (understating the 'all' but anyway)

...to be daring

rebirth my faith to childlike

and God to know you and find my sufficency in you.

2 Cor 5:6-10

6Therefore we are always confident and know that as long as we are at home in the body we are away from the Lord. 7We live by faith, not by sight. 8We are confident, I say, and would prefer to be away from the body and at home with the Lord. 9So we make it our goal to please him, whether we are at home in the body or away from it. 10For we must all appear before the judgment seat of Christ, that each one may receive what is due him for the things done while in the body, whether good or bad.

misread ^ ... an out of context thing, the body as the Church. Thought provoking.

2 Cor 5:17-21

17Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; the old has gone, the new has come! 18All this is from God, who reconciled us to himself through Christ and gave us the ministry of reconciliation: 19that God was reconciling the world to himself in Christ, not counting men's sins against them. And he has committed to us the message of reconciliation. 20We are therefore Christ's ambassadors, as though God were making his appeal through us. We implore you on Christ's behalf: Be reconciled to God. 21God made him who had no sin to be sin for us, so that in him we might become the righteousness of God.

rebirth

and so to end a highly disjointed sequence of thoughts, boring day details and stuff.

stuff is good.

Why building character is not the primary concern (unabridged)

I get tired of self evaluation, implimenting change - trying to work out what to deal with next. It's ridiculous God. Why do I always forget that all I need is to listen to you, seek you, learn to know you. I get so wrapped up in 'bettering me'. Where's the balance God in developing charcter and taking self awareness to the point where it cripples you? How God, do I know? Is it when I get down because I feel I'm not learning, not being challenged? Is it when, because of my life and the lack of abundance of busy, or the alternate, too busy to analyse and that being where I go flat. Does so much of my God relationship focus on trying to build up a likeness, while too frequently forgetting about the actual relationship factor? In my weariness of 'rebecca evaluation' I have done just that. re-evaluated me. A good thing as maybe I identified the 'should be' obvious. Acting out on changing it is a different matter. Too long God have I looked to you for challenge, for what I do not need as a primary focus. Lord I only need you. How easy it is to get wrapped up in anything else. God, I think I know what I need, but I really don't. You know. I do know that I need you every minute, not for what I can learn or become, but for who you are. Instead of asking for growth Abba, let me know how to love you. To see you as God and to hold you in the highest honor. You are God. And if my life does not express that, If I haven't grasped that concept, then any growth, strength of character is meaningless. "Now all has been heard; here is the conclusion of the matter: Fear God and keep his commandments, for this is the whole duty of man." - Ecclesiastes 12:13 Because you are God. You know I like irony, don't you God? Where I evaluate my evaluations, think about thinking and am forever wrapping myself back to the start.

Another World View

After a day of frustrating procrastination and 'stuckness'... I have written 400 of the 2000 I am meant to have on a "Bible Study" of the book of Job. *black look* What a way to spend a Saturday. I did get questions back from Melina. Practical Evangelism essay thing... and they are incredibly interesting, so I'll post them here. The idea is to get a feel for their world view and then write up a report on culturally appropriate methods of explaining Jesus etc... Challenge to you, to ask non-chrisitan friends this kind of stuff. Lots, sorry for length. Any observations, please comment this is going to be fractionally harder than I thought it might be. ---------------- What are the most important things in your life? - Making a positive difference in this world - Friends and family- and my wider family of course, which is the world What are your favourite activities in life? - Talking, sharing ideas, philosophising with friends - Working for a company where my contribution is real and valued - Learning, through experience, reading, music, events, the news, other people, my new ventures or businesses What do you celebrate in life? - Traditionally- Christmas, Easter, NYE, Chinese NYE, birthdays anniversaries etc - Untraditionally, friendships, partnerships, new ideas, life changing concepts, the rise of the "long tail", power to the people etc What do you think makes a good person? - Someone who has good intentions for the world as a whole, not just for themselves, or just for their family, or just for their race or group, but for all(of course the fact that the definition of "good intentions" is completely subjective can cause conflict sometimes) - Acting on those good intentions really is necessary to make one a good person What do you think makes a bad person? - Someone who has good intentions for themselves or just a sector of the world which then creates negative intentions towards the rest of the world as a result. Do you think your life or view in the world are unique? - I think that we as people are all unique from one another, however I am not so naïve to think that I am the only person that thinks this way. In fact, I believe that a whole lot of people probably think along the same lines that I do - I think that my world view is unique from other world views because it puts the onus or power back on the individual to make what he or she wants out of life, and considers "success" and "health" and "wellbeing" on a grand scale, rather than individual or family or sector based. What would you say is the point of life? - Life is about the journey, not the destination for me. - The point in life is to live and love the journey, to learn as you go, cherish each and every day and leave this earth slightly better than when you joined it. After all, that's all we can do Melina’s Philosophy I think that you get the most out of life when you play at 100% I truly believe that we are all interconnected, essentially we are all one. Although we only have conscious awareness of our individual selves, I believe that on an unconscious level, we are just one. Live and love the journey, as this is when true happiness occurs. Stop to smell the roses regularly, this will give you clarity and peace. AIM HIGH AND PLAY HARD IN THE GAME OF LIFE, BUT BE HAPPY AND CONTENT KNOWING THAT YOU HAD A GO. AFTER ALL, THAT'S ALL YOU CAN DO. What values and beliefs would you want to pass on to your children or friends? - Do unto others.... - Act with the "whole" in mind. (as in the whole world) - Have a mindset of abundance rather than scarcity - You are empowered to make change in this world, what you do is up to you - How do you become happy? You decide to. - You'll be amazed at what you can achieve when you set your mind to it. If you could change the world, what would be different? - Freedom for all - Fair and equal distribution of resources so that empowered people can do their best work! What do you think about church? - I don't know much about church. I think that institutionalised religion can be dangerous, as some become like runaway freight trains, i.e. Hardcore traditionalists, cults etc Does attending church appeal to you at all? - Gathering at a place every week to share ideas, support one another and unite to a positive cause - I believe in this idea in theory. - The idea of attending church (and I don't think I have ever been) seems to me to be an awesome, good intentions community to be a part of, but the idea of attending church itself does not appeal to me because I feel like I'd need to conform to be a part of it What would you change about church, to make it somewhat more appealing? - To accept all races and religions into it, and to become a more generic place of unity and respect and acceptance, like I eluded to above. - The only Christian thing I have been to recently was Festival Victoria with Franklin Graham, and the whole experience left a bad taste in my mouth. I think that the philosophy of Christianity is well meaning, with good intentions, from what I know of it, but ultimatums, threats and judgements on other people, other cultures and other people's values and opinions is not only intrusive, it's down right offensive. - I don't hold it against people that are Christian, so why must Christians hold it against me that I'm not. It just does not seem like a fair and respectful playing field. What do you expect a church service to be like? - Some singing, and someone up the front speaking about the bible and the way of god, and making it relate to everyday modern life with examples, stories metaphors etc. - Sometimes uplifting and inspiring, sometimes creating feelings of guilt and inadequacy What do you think God is like? - Well, that depends on which God you are asking about. The Christian God, I'll assume. The ideas I've gotten from Christians about what God is like is that he is part of us and that we are part of him. He is an all-mighty, all-seeing being, who rises above us all. He knows all and sees all. He is loving and forgiving. He shows compassion and love to his followers when they show their love for him. Do you think there is more than just the physical world we see? - Yes, I believe that our conscious only allows us to see a miniscule amount of what is actually out there. I believe that we are all made up of the same energy, and that the circle of life recirculates this energy. Because of this, I think that we are all interconnected with each other, and the earth as a whole. I believe in having a soul or a spirit inside us which makes us more than just physical matter. What happens to this soul when we die I am not sure. What do you think about the supernatural and spiritual realities? Not sure about the question... I think they are a possibility Have you ever had a 'spiritual' experience? - I believe that we are connected and can communicate without words to a certain extent. I believe that people that have passed can communicate with us to a certain extent, and have experienced this once. - I have felt "at one" with the Universe. What do you think about Jesus Christ? - I don't know anything about Jesus Christ. From what others say, who believe in him, he appears to be a selfless individual. However if "the only way is through Jesus"... - I don't think I know enough to have a valid opinion about Jesus Christ.

42nd Dimension (expanded a little)

...I confess my life would make and interesting movie. That is if you could live the life I live in my head, see things from my perspective. Actually it would be rather insightful to know what's going on in there sometimes. To decode the music scales of my thoughts. Absolutely all over the place. I have a strange strange personality. I'm pleased to be me. It's remarkable God how our minds flick in rapid succession from one thought to another, the latter being entirely unrelated to the former and all that follow. I was conciously thinking about thinking while still thinking and realised that I went from sussing out my flip swing attitude of today - wondering why I'm so alive tonght, to the life and death of a lady I barely knew, and attempting to remember what impact it had on my world. I realised that so many people who enter into your life leave marks or some kind. I remember her teaching me how to knit (bizzarest of things). To this day I've never finished anything but that's not the point. She taught me. I'm confused now God, why do I explain stuff like this when I could write Cathy Calder and you'd know each detail. How much is this for memories sake, how much for sharing, how much authentic communcation with you? I love to write God. And I don't understand why this passion and love of words is revisting my head, it doesnt go away. Why I sometimes write... dare I say, well, and other times pound out the cliches and words like funny and stuff and random? What plan do you have for that? Also thinking about singleness and online youth ministry. I really, ha, would like a definitive guide on both... is it too much to ask for an article or conversation? I felt lonely today. I have been a bit of late. I don't like being passionless or goal-less. Show me things! Maybe I need my face slammed full of what I'm too occupied to see. Beautiful God. You see me externally, internally and in every incomprehensible dimension. Thank you for that. For still loving me besides.

Casino

What I wrote today, simply because I don't know what I got out of it besides this. We were meant to be (in a way) looking for God in the casino. I had trouble. What I ended up writing first was a sloppy mess, got home scrapped lines here and there, highly disjointed. A Psalm was the intention, but I couldn't write one. Casino Chaotic - organised hurry Where are you in this? Pathways leading every which way. The hospitality laden advertisments are true to the reality. Where black predominates through furniture, jackets, people's expressions, the carpet Hospitality where the fake nature of the man at the door is acted out with such precision the smile is large, handshake strong, a picture of genuine Here am I and I'm trying to write a Psalm in a place I find it hard to feel Words can't make much sense God when each time I look up something has changed This place is it's own world Happy, sad Designed to invite people to stay Every convienience but sunlight, space to think What do I think? What do you think? Then I thought I'd better stop rambling words and write something. Haven't written a poem or anything in a long time. sloppy again, but then that doesn't really matter because it got my empty head on to paper. Looking across I can see A scrambled mess of table legs Shaddows stretching around Consumers legs Passing Continuing And I, sitting. And old lady walks past Her glasses out, and off As though the need to see is gone Walking out from the world within a world Not smiling Shaddows wrapping lines around ankles Adding lines to lines Caught up Blind Oblivious

Rearview Mirror

Jo slept over last night. It was nice to, or rather is nice to be able to relate to the word 'enjoy'. Filled time effectively, had a good talk. God, it's funny bringing that back, spending time with someone and realising there's not a million other things you'd rather be doing - like the other times. Teach me the authenticity of friendship. I need to relearn that with JessD adn catch up with her more. You put her in my life for a reason thats a certainty. You've spoken through her before. Thankyou for honesty - good confrontation, real friendship. Envy. A funny concept that visited me today. I was able to stand back and experience something I haven't conciously before. I am surprised. Not that I haven't experienced envy, but a recognition of how tightly linked it is to self image. Please forgive me God. I really wanted to be her (whom will remain nameless) today. It was strange. Because the moment the thought entered my head the utter stupidity of the idea and the 'I am happy with who I am' was there. Offered a choice I guess. To dwell on it or not. I did not and am thankful I did not. I am annoyed the thought arrived in the first place. hmm God, help me to understand who I fully am in you. Have and sidelined normalities decided to pay me a visit? Self assure. Convinced Idon't have issues with it for so long. Yes I do. I know I do. Not the extent of many and maybe differently. Self image. The mirror monster for the moment ignored, always ignored. Do I need to fight it? Have I fought it? If I can't or choose not to let it factor in my life will it still appear later? I do and live life backwards sometimes. Maybe I am just extremely self aware. You just want me to pray God don't you. To shut up writing and start talking and listening. Ok.

One Wednesday

Wednesday night. Out all day. YITS'ing. Particular highlights being LS (lifeskills) class taken again by Becki S more about Boundries. Not quite as good as last week, can't place why - I think everyone was a bit asleep. CAF duty (the Tabor Cafe - staffed by Carmen, Katie and the YITS crew). Always on with Katie, Michael, Kat and Sara. Sara and I clean, I generally do food as well - it's usually just me, today she didn't even bother to come in, saw her ordering food. Should be frustrated but I'm not. Have good relationship with Katie despite only seeing her once a week (no this is not YITS Katie). Spent the afternoon at the Casino :P indeed. So we've done the outdoors, the cathedral, the shopping centre, now the casino. Did not end up going into the gaming section as Jo had her backpack with her and they weren't happy with that... the so called cloakroom avoided our quick scan of the room so we decided not to bother and wandered awhile, bumped into some other groups and eventually found ourselves at a table in the food court - the alternative being outside in the rain. Lovely rain. Intention was to blah blah... I'll eventually get round to working that out and might come write some back here. Write a Psalm being one task, but I found that didn't really work. Met the others at 3:30. Long trip back to the car, Alecia realised she left her jumper back near McDonalds so she and Sam went back and would meet Jess and I between the Exhibition building and Crown. Anyway (hmm this is strange just blabbing on about the day). Somehow directions as to where to meet them got confused, there being two Hotel (I've forgottens) and Jess and I circumnavigated the Spencer St area of the city missed them the second time and after about 5 phone calls met them where we originally had planned to find them. Drove home, Jess majorly late for something, listened to Mike Pilovachi (whatever name) some Soul Survivor sermon thingo - prty good except I don't do just listening usually, and I would have much prefered mindless music of some kind. More rain. Ended up somehow talking about 'kissing first only on wedding day' and the (non)validity/validity of that. (mind not made up entirely - yes but no. ask me if you really want to know because I need to think about it some more). Home. Tea. Now. No time to stop as yet. I have a feeling I have loads to do. Unimpressed because I have to get up early to work tomorrow. Strange desire to watch Little Women (don't ask why). Need to think about this afternoon more and whatever I got or was meant to get out of it. Can't work out what kind of day I really had. Need to write, which is why I'm on here. Laughed at a very random email (thankyou :)). Glad cooking was successful last night, the second of late - Jo's help may have been the reason. Thought I should read 'Came Back to Show You I Could Fly'... so I could decide whether to agree or not w/ A on his essay, and because I've forgotten it. Want to finish reading the Boundries book. Have to work out which Pract. Evang questions to do with Melina tomorrow. Intention to write a to-do list, which I think I have just done. Figured I have just bored the face off whoever bothered to read this. 7:09. whole evening to fill. now to decide what to do with it.

Peace in Pieces (abridged)

Such a different day. Yesterday dubbed: terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day, and I have chosen not to describe as I was being neither uplifting to others - God found a way through peoples words and through Psalm 73, even though it did mean hitting the repeat button on CD player reading it about 5 times (don't ask me why that Psalm), doing something I wouldn't normally do or didn't have to do. Humbling kind of day, annoyed with myself and multiple others. I felt 14 again. God forgives and he showed me that others do as well, more willingly than you can try to hope for. ...Psalm 73, it was good to hear those words again first thing this morning. Worth the effort of getting up a bit early and spend the first bit of the day with you. What a difference small actions make in contributing to assurance, an acknowledgement, a word, a touch, a smile. Looked at the Holy Spirit in Doctrine today. I realised for the first time the funny connection of birds and the use of the dove (random thought that jumped into my mind, which would have absolutely no significance for anyone else) How it's never occured to me before, that funny way God that you bought back that promise this morning with those out the window and the one that made an apperance at lunch. That thought aside... I got the strong impression taht I need to start fully trusting you with this ___ stuff, because I'm getting frustrated over the little things, stressing out and creating problems where they don't need to be. Have it God. It was never our idea in the first place, but yours. I wonder how peace ties in with decision making? If we are confident in you God, your leading whatever our move happens to be, you can use it. I guess it struck me that it may have been a situation where there was no right or wrong. That you were willing and able to run with whichever and besides, you knew what was going to happen in the first place. Is that why? That the peace will follow on, not what we are certain is right or best, but our trust in your ability to work in and through our circumstances. What, is it best to decide and then wait for peace? What about trusting God completely and the peace a product of that. We shared Creative Living Projects today. I was deeply impacted by many, proud of all. Glad to understand more of who they are, encouraged to hear of their journies. Thankful I could share a little of my own. Thank you for the courage.

Psalm 73

1 A psalm of Asaph. Surely God is good to Israel, to those who are pure in heart. 2 But as for me, my feet had almost slipped; I had nearly lost my foothold. 3 For I envied the arrogant when I saw the prosperity of the wicked. 4 They have no struggles; their bodies are healthy and strong. 5 They are free from the burdens common to man; they are not plagued by human ills. 6 Therefore pride is their necklace; they clothe themselves with violence. 7 From their callous hearts comes iniquity; the evil conceits of their minds know no limits. 8 They scoff, and speak with malice; in their arrogance they threaten oppression. 9 Their mouths lay claim to heaven, and their tongues take possession of the earth. 10 Therefore their people turn to them and drink up waters in abundance. 11 They say, "How can God know? Does the Most High have knowledge?" 12 This is what the wicked are like— always carefree, they increase in wealth. 13 Surely in vain have I kept my heart pure; in vain have I washed my hands in innocence. 14 All day long I have been plagued; I have been punished every morning. 15 If I had said, "I will speak thus," I would have betrayed your children. 16 When I tried to understand all this, it was oppressive to me 17 till I entered the sanctuary of God; then I understood their final destiny. 18 Surely you place them on slippery ground; you cast them down to ruin. 19 How suddenly are they destroyed, completely swept away by terrors! 20 As a dream when one awakes, so when you arise, O Lord, you will despise them as fantasies. 21 When my heart was grieved and my spirit embittered, 22 I was senseless and ignorant; I was a brute beast before you. 23 Yet I am always with you; you hold me by my right hand. 24 You guide me with your counsel, and afterward you will take me into glory. 25 Whom have I in heaven but you? And earth has nothing I desire besides you. 26 My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever. 27 Those who are far from you will perish; you destroy all who are unfaithful to you. 28 But as for me, it is good to be near God. I have made the Sovereign LORD my refuge; I will tell of all your deeds.

Friends

If I had got on here earlier I would have seen the result of extreme annoyance, yeh if I start thinking about it again in the same light it will end up a vent with no particular hearer on the other end. Maybe I can rethink in a better attitude? maybe. A few things, all relating to 'friends' J calls me up, she's lost her Pract. Evang questions. She has other stuff she could go on with but insists that I scan and email her the info. First time I've reacted like I did in a long time. Pretty much flatly refused and said I had to call Sam (true) and hung up. I'm sick of her always depending on me to have things when she needs them, she had an opportunity to photocopy it but didn't. A reminicence of a few years back, yes J and I get on eachothers nerves every now and then. She frustrates me. We are heaps closer than we ever were. It's strange holding a friendship with your sister's best friend. I ended up emailing her the questions but not without a 'take responsibility message' - had to have the last word. Thought I was over that. I'll see her tomrrow. I find out my friend Nat went and saw Starwars this morning. No huge deal, except we'd planned ever since we saw the last one together to see it. That plan still held a few weeks ago. I've always wondered about Nat. The others pretty much gave up on keeping any contact with her after school finished as she takes no initiative. I tried, not as hard as I could have. It is hard when it isn't reciporated. She didn't come to schoolies with us - 3 years in a friendship group and last minute she has to go to Queensland with her family. My guess with the Starwars thing is that her Dad decided to take her and she being Natalie could not say no I had other plancs. She never speaks her mind, passive passive. I can't change her. But how could you live a life like that? You'd be miserable. Jacqui's too harsh on her maybe, but in some way's she's right. Nat's too hard to read, she'll never say what she thinks. I'd rather someone be outright with being angry or whatever then hold it inside and just use silence. Does she even care? Jacqui's an interesting one... her last year's strong 'I hate my church' and that discussion we had. It was nice once in 3yrs to have a deep conversation. She's grown, God you know what Jacqui needs. How glad I was to hear her 'sml grp' involvement. I should catch up with her. Yesterday I get an email from ___. Wow, I still exist?! 2.5years, sidelined my end, I had let it go. What is it now? Stilted, awkward I don't know you any more. It took a long time but it closed well and I was content to leave it there. Strange. why now? I dont think it would ever be the same, but I don't know where things stand, can you just pretend, does it work that way? Am I so good at cutting ties with people when I move on? Are there only those few I want to, or who do make the effort that I bother with? Jess D. Always my friend. I don't understand why it works it just does. and the other few I have been thrown back together with. It is a new year, a new place, there are new people. How many will last? How many will want to take the effort? How many just get to busy? I'm partially to blame. How much more value should I place upon friendships and deepening them?

Christmas in May (unabridged)

I do not know why I do this - it is May not December. Why December - one point in the year to remember. Stuff Christmas in July, what about May? What about every month? A day to remember the birth and one to remember His death. Or would that detract from the once yearly celebrations? [/sarcasm - maybe] Isaiah 40:3 A voice of one calling, "In the desert prepare the way for the LORD; make straight in the widerness a highway for our God. Every valley shall be raised up, every mountain and hill made low; the rough ground shall become level, the rugged places plain. And the glory of the LORD will be revealed, and all mankind together will see it. For the mouth of the LORD has spoken." It's kind of pathetic how we only usually head to read the Christmas story around that time. I asked mum which one of the gospels had the most detailed account because I'd fogotten, so had she it seems. I asked Hannah and she thought I was testing her... okay. So I'll read Matthew - it's first. ... so not the detailed account. 3 Chapters. But to return where the Isaiah passage left off: John the Baptist in 3:11 "But after me will come one who is more powerful than I, whose sandals I am not fit to carry." Thank you God for the fulfilment, the promise of Jesus. Help one point in each year not to be the only time I remember. Your glory was revealed and will continue being revealed. Help me to grasp the enormity of it all. Help me to know you more. later thoughts that didn't make it onto paper... So my Christmas was stuffed. My December 25th absorbed and consumed by a memory. It's different doing it another time. Sure not the whole thing - hardly that for 30mins on a Friday night in May. It's strange to put on 'the Messiah', quite without thinking and as a result set out urgently to find the Isaiah passage, the one that just makes it's way into your hands quite naturally the other time of the year... Not fit to carry his sandals...

Conclusion (unabridged)

What about a life with honesty and integrity? What about a life where we esteem You in your rightful place? What about a life where we cared less what others thought, and walked on ice but with confidence for you? What about a life of creativity and uniquness? What about a life where we asked the questions we were too afraid to ask? What about a life where we recognised each moment for what it was? What about a life where we would take those moments and make something of them? What about a life where we really knew and understood those we spend everyday with? What about a life where we acknowledged our failings our weaknesses and had the courage to change? What about a life where honor was more important then seeing that a person was either three steps back or three forward on the path of growth? What about a life where communication with you was more important than sharing who we are with another? What about a life where we would give our inconsistencies to you, a life where we could be ourselves? What about a life where love was predominant - Godly love? What about a life where we would set aside to be still and know God? What about a life where busyness could be pushed aside and the more important things take precedence? What about a life where we would recognise who you are? What about a life where we understood who we are from your perspective? What about a life where we could realise our dreams? What about a life that was not mediocre nor dry? "Meaningless! Meaningless! says the Teacher. Everything is meaningless." - Ecc 12:8 "Now all has been heard; here is the conclusion of the matter; Fear God and keep his commandments, for this is the whole duty of man" - Ecc 12:13

Too Far Gone - Sixpence None the Richer

I built these walls with blinders on my eyes brick by brick and now I realize that I'm shut out I'm shut in and every time I try to reach out I reach in I break my fingers on the bricks why do I do this to myself there is really no one else to blame so could you reach down and pull me out or am I just too far gone to be saved? or am I just too far gone to be saved? I take my falls, hands pulled behind my back you made the knot and didn't leave much slack now I'm tied up I'm tied down now every time I try to fly up I fly down into the sea and hold my breath I am a mirrored rumble fish life is so clenching for the kill so could you reach down and break my will or am I just too far gone to be saved? or am I just too far gone to be saved? I'm shut out I'm shut in and every time is try to reach out reach in I break my fingers on the bricks now every time I try to fly up I fly down into the sea and hold my breath I am a mirrored rumble fish life is so clenching for the kill so could you reach out and pull me out or am I just too far gone you'll never be too far gone, you'll never be too far gone to be saved

Forward Motion (unabridged)

I am in that place where I am neither content nor entirely discontent. I do not know where exactly things are headed. I do know what I am not ready for, it doesn't stop the wanting, but it allows for the waiting. My life is resonating with the 'to far gone' song. I know I am not. But could you reach down and pull me out? I came back to the Isaiah verse tonight. So could you reach down and take my hand? Because I do not understand where I am going and I would rather go somewhere with you than nowhere with myself. What do you want of me? My all. Show me please God, where to press on if I don't know where?

Boundries (unabridged)

Where to start? Today - what I'd been looking forward to for over a week. Exceptional day. 'Boundries' in Lifeskills. Becky S is fantastic - I wish they got her in more. Massage for Group Focus which was SO nice. Paired up with Katrina - that friendship is growing. Later Michael basically descided he didn't like doing massage stuff with Mark... (some stupid blah about not being manly) and so Katie went over there and I got stuck with him. Didn't mind, but K and I hardly got a chance to protest, it just happened. Katie did a better job. Jess's theory on the matter 'they chose girls who don't flirt', in which case I don't mind so much, because that shows wisdom on their behalf. Anyway, boundries. I'd been waiting on this class. "A boundry is something that keeps what belongs to me safe, it defines my responsibility and provides an opportunity for me to invite or decline people in." I've realised, after a conversation with ___ and one with ___ last night (well ok, more vents/rants and whatevers) that perhaps I'm taking too much gush responsiblity. Yes I did burn out that time when all the first Mon stuff came up - it was prty unique situation and understandable re: stress. Those few forced days off were the best thing. All this gush stuff although more subtle is directing me up the same alley. I will burn out if I keep taking it all on. An orchestra sounds better than a one-man-band - although that's kind of an extreme metaphor it's sometimes what it feels like. I thought I was good at saying no. Maybe I need to re-evaluate and watch myself a bit more. Galatians 6:2-5 Carry each other's burdens, and in this way you will fulfill the law of Christ. If anyone thinks he is something when he is nothing, he deceives himself. Each one should test his own actions. Then he can take pride in himself, without comparing himself to somebody else, for each one should carry his own load. aside from being minorly disgusted at my Bible's 'studynotes' which focussed only on the first part and disregarded the second... 'for each should carry his own load' v.5 We have just as much responsibility for ourselves. We can offer support etc... but that doesn't me we have to put down our load to carry their all. Our attitudes, our behavior and our choices are all personal responisiblities. In looking at boundries with others - strike the balance between challenging them and not going so far as to walk over there boundries. God, I've been at fault before in that. Please forgive me. Help me to understand when to stop. To not ask that extra question, to leave the probing to you. A reminder to let my own boundries be known. God please help me to establish healthy boundries in my life - show me what and where they need to be. Help me to slow down, to be disciplined in taking time out for you and using my other time appropriately. Help me to serve where I am not consumed by the serving, to know when to say 'no, that's too much'. To not trample other's boundries, but use me to challenge them. Lord bring peole into my life to effectively challenge my own ineffective or inappropriate boundries.

Galatians 5:25

Something that came up today. That you'll match our effort - our initiative. I'd hardly say lots of this stuff lately has been all in my own strength. Not at all. You work through our desires and our pitiful efforts. I can do all this stuff and try to impliment change in my life but nothing would really happen. This year - what's it about? Growth? Recognising and resetting my boundries? Watching and experienceing your involvement in my life? Whatever it is, I want to thank you. It's only May God, how much can happen in a short time. You are mysterious God. I don't understand how you work, but I'm certainly glad you do.

Normality (unabridged)

Blah - really can't cook. To quote mum, 'the burning smell is your trademark'. What happened to my good meat pies, nice properly cooked cookies, cakes etc...? How annoying. A Tuesday, never my favourite day. Practical Evangelism. annoying - debates, basically stuck with a horribl etopic, not enough research time and very few of our group willing to participate (or know where to start). I did not have much insentive, getting up in front of others even less so. At least I talked - probably crap, but yeah, I talked. Rowan took our OT class as Glen T was away sick. Most insightful OT class so far, all about prophesy/the prophets. I put a little though into that conversation I had with ___ a while back about prophesy. I am as yet unclear. I need to read more about it, talk more about it with someone. Accountability group day. It's fantastic hanging out with Katie and Jo. The question that seemed to get each of our hermit crabbed selves talking was, 'what's been most on your mind' (or the Jo rephrase, 'your headspace'). I bought up the converstations thing. Really it's been a fairly low key week - no major drama's that my mind could think of then (or now), maybe if I read back I'll find some. What more of a reality to check (to have forgotten) to live each day for the now, not to worry about tomorrow - it never comes afterall. God please filter - no, flood my every day with your realities. Teach me so much more. Help me to stop and think and tell you of your greatness... and yet you intricately care for every aspect in my life. Thank you for friends. For conversations, the opportunity to learn and grow even when it seems kind of boring and dry. Thank you Amazing holy God. You gave so much to save me, you chose to cover my guilt, my mistakes, my sinfulness. How can I thank you? Too good Abba - I don't deserve you. Help me to learn how to listen to you.

Make Sense?...seeing things

A continuation of my 'who is bec' through 5 senses. Sitting here with absolutely no thought into this one as yet, but I have time so why not. Seeing things ... trying to work out things that I 'see' that I like, or hate etc... that aren't just obvious, also what other angles you can come in on things. big factor: design, I really like things to be aesthetically nice. From words, to art, to photographs, to scenery, to the way I have my room, to what kind of journal I use... and sadly the influence it has upon books I look at buying - although that can be sometimes overlooked. I get annoyed when I see stores or books using crummy fonts (well known, or 'grade 6 style')... this could be partial 'geek/nerd' factor. see: ban comic sans I frustrate people with having to 'get it right' General taste. it comes down to being selective, relatively minimalistic, and um... coordinated when called for :P Random things take my fancy :) the terrace house with the orange door. Particular trees. Satistfying layouts... colour used effectively. Specifics - (to like) A clear, dark sky with stars Bare green hills ('rolling hills' too cliched to use but yeah, them) Flat of the outback, where you can do a 360 and see nothing but horizion, the small feeling you get. Windflowers Cows Rain Interesting people on trains - 'the characters' 'Borders' - rows and rows and rows of books The view over melbourne from Sky High or Burkes lookout The fireplace at my grandparents and their horrible carpet The plaque in my grandpa's garden, ever overgrown, the words mostly worn. Bed. Specifics (to not like) Pinkness, the overuse. Frills and bows, flowers. The KFC in Bayswater - minimalistic is only good to a certain point. Clothing with the brandname plastered across the front. A sink full of dishes ...hmm thats about all I can think of. Qu's & A's - yes I don't mind Fed Square, it looks good. - yes I would re-do some of my room, had I the money or time - no my taste doesn't unfortunately make it into fashion - in that I am a practical/immitator. I take siblings for shopping advice. I don't really have my own unique style - yes I get unusual fascinations with things like, chairs, doors, fonts and colours... so. maybe its a little strange - let people think that. enough.

Conversation (unabridged)

We were discussing spiritual discipline in CL (Creative Living) today. It came about through a discussion of 'being ready' - the 'watch and pray' verse, somewhere in Matthew I think. A question also of: how much have you seen God at work in the stuff of your everyday life. Aside from stating my obvious response... 'smile' am I getting too used to this all coming up? mmm. Warwick mentioned 'stillness', which I though - oh yeah this is what is going to be the standout factor for me as I've been recognising taht I'm getting a little slack of late on setting aside time. So yes, it is important however, the following 'listening to God' was the notch up on the significant scale. Again I had a conversation about this with other person (and I wrote: should I let him know how conviently God is using him? :) ) It was a re-emphasis on the act of prayer - it being a two way thing, and chosing to listen and let God go first. I guess the biggest thing that jumped out of me here was reading 'the word' - which is an in your hand way to listen to God. Bible reading's become really slack of late. Ask God what does he want me to read. Do it. Have that interactive God conversation. And that is a spritual discipline I need your help God to nail. Christian Doctrine - interesting stuff about the sacraments (baptism/communion etc...) I spent the morning break... (thats about 40mins on a Monday) discussing stuff through with Rowan, Elyce, Dave, Nathan and Tom. I'm still not entirely sure.... it's a hard concept. Too tired to think now. Dawn's 18th. Pancake Palour about 20-25 yits people there. Funny how conversation flows stacks easier with some than others. Ah... or maybe it's because you had your hand in things there God... phenomenal reoccurance of answered prayer - even stuff I mention once. Thank you God for being the best listener, for knowing my subtleties, my every need before I ask. Make yourself real to me as the greatest conversationalist. Relationship grows through communication. I think I'm missing part of that at the moment.

Expression

I wrote this post for part of a gush thread... but due to server problems I couldn't reply:

I'm very much not the person to express things physically... like running round madly etc. I'm not a huggy person. Yes there are many occasions when the situation requires more than words... I guess I just generally tend to empathise differently (although yeah... attempting to speak someone elses love language is a rewarding thing to do, it's curious how the general principles seep into other areas of your life.) I'm a 'be there' person... an 'advice' giver (:) words and time). I've never been overly good at letting somone cry on shoulder kind of thing, I shy away from it. I can stand back, see how it works with others. I can understand, because I've had brief insights of it in my own life. Generally speaking, physical stuff its not really my way of expressing how I feel.

Now I don't know. I wonder if along the way some of that expression of self through 'physicality', what? disappeared, or is a lesser known side of myself, even to myself and not one that I excercise frequently. I have felt the need before. All I could do then was run. (yeh ok a 12year old's grief over a pet. still significant) To scream at the world at God... but that is still using words. Being keyed into reading body language... maybe it's more an interpretation of understanding, and adapting to fill that role, to love the person in they way they are loved best. It's fulfilling. But I don't know. Expression. how do I express myself?

The Cider House Rules

The Cider House Rules ...I haven't come away from a movie so quietly disturbed like that for a long time, not since Dead Poets Society. Are the base layer issues too close to home? The idea too align with what Mon's been through... no it wasn't an option for her, but did the thought cross her mind? So strange... so rich in symbolism but passive. Pro-choice a rethink on tolerance, on understanding. an acknowledgement of my foolishness to ever offer advice. a warning to not assume the depth of feeling or comprehension. the importance of life. no words. Psalm 139 fearfully and wonderfully made. I know that full well. who justifies the wrong? you do. not angry, just...why? what's it like God to know their hurt?

For who I am (unabridged)

I'm sitting here, the sun is over my paper. The light shows up every slight pit and texture. Is that how it is when you look at me? Your light, your holiness exposes me. What looks smooth - white, ready to fill with words - when under close inspection looks rouch, is marred and dented. I could go on about metaphors - my mind creates them constantly. What do you see when you look at who I am? You know every detail, every smooth, every rough, every covered section. You know what words my choices will write on my life, you know what words I will let you write and those I'll scrawl in my own impatience. God you remind me over an dover how you chose me, how you love me. When I went to walk yesterday, to be alone, to even maybe spend some time talking with you - you were reminding me just how much you love me. It was strange but I hardly got a word in edgeways. You slowed me down. It wasn't an overwhelming sense of anything, it wasn't audible, it wasn't filling, crowding my mind. Just a heightened sense of being right where I was, a greater reality. It was an understanding. Your still small voice. You don't work like we do. Those words fail to explain it, it wasn't surprising or magnificent. I felt like me, not anything more. This is how much you love me. More than experience here will allow me to understand. More than anyone can tell me, stress upon me. More than a walk and a faint idea. More than the words that can be written. More than a touch. More than a smile. Much more.

Extreme

Nice discovery. Write in pencil and snoopy look over shoulder people on the train (I'm not one of those, I just eavesdrop) can't see what you're writing - although neither can you when you get home late and the lighting in your room is not fantastic. After an extremely rushed 15min wake up (2nd time). sitting on the train mostly alseep I get to the Box Hill area and see the White Horse City Church - which stands out as it looks so... clean. I had been looking at the graffiti as you do when you stare blankly out train windows. There was a sign for their youth group: Xtreme Youth, painted graffiti style on their massive whitewashed building. I almost laughed, it struck me how in an attempt to 'fit in' they had created one massive barrier. Now I don't know if people think about such things, but against the general mess and art of station wall graffiti it looked simply weak. Don't get me wrong, it's a great youth group. I've been several times as one of my really good friends goes there - they have a fantastic community drop in centre etc... but yeah. Does anyone stand back and look at a simple thing like signage objectively... because I do. ...half an eavesdrop, bought to mind the topic of 'Boundries'. It's interesting when you see a 'couple' on the train - whom you strangely admire. Not talking about physical boundries or anything here... but the guy was talking to the girl about setting some boundries - I don't know what about - but really stressing something to her that she needed to mmm set boundries (mmm words are coming thick and fast tonight). I doubt I would have noticed it had I not been told this week's lifeskills topic was, "boundries", had a conversation with Jo about wanting to find out a bit more - not the physical side of things, that's always kind of obvious. But the mental, emotional boundries -something I wonder about on and off, but never come to any conclusions on. Frankly I don't have a clue. When I hit a point of having more than 6hrs sleep the night before I might decide to think about it.

On the train

It was an interesting threesome, no foursome. Two guys, a girl and a baby. Really mmm... how to put it? Aussie. Slang- their words really down to earth, with the occasionaly four letter one thrown in. Talking loudly and natrually on the train. So unlike most snobby, self concerned others. Rough kind of people - maybe not stacks of education. I couldn't work out who was the dad at first. It's so completely bizzare to see a guy going all 'soft' over showing a tracksuit they bought for 'her'. The friend was holding her (the baby) - just looked really at ease. The baby can't have been quite 1yr, on his lap perfectly content. A curious mix of, 'We don't have a clue what parenting is all about, we're new to this.' and the ingrained ability to care. Despite the language, the rough and ready, dole bludger appearance (which is kind of judgemental... but how do you explain?) I think it was a better situation for the kid than an overprotective, sanitised, fantatical, 'knowledgeable' couple. Oh I doubt they were married. I felt sorry for the kid at first - think of environment, but I changed my mind. She was happy. God, I'm sorry. I jump to conclusions on first apperances. You are the only one that should judge - who has the right to. Help me to see people for who they really are, the way you see past each of my mistakes. Show me God how you see others and teach me to look at them the same way.

Make Sense? ...hearing things

So people use blogs and dump up fairly irrelevant results of quizzes, (OK I confess, sometimes they are interesting), but they really don't tell you very much of the person unless you've seen the questions that have given them their score - Oh yes you can follow the link given and do the quiz yourself... But this often involves signing up to something you will frequent that once and continue receiving spam for every other time that you don't visit. I was wondering how you could 'tell a bit more about yourself' (just random facts/quirks etc.) in a more unique way, and although I hardly think this will let you know much more about me. I'm going to try it to satisfy my own curiosity... This is some of what I think about when I spend my 3hrs of Thursday public transport without book or music (a rare and frustrating occurrence). The five senses... Hearing, sight, taste, touch, smell... Hearing The notables: Music - clearly obvious. I don't know many if any who don't like music to an extent, except for my 10 year old self. I built up for myself a 'I don't like music' persona for some stupid reason or other. My guess is that it was a comment on some music my sister liked and I decided to get stubborn and not like it. I really did go through a phase where I was extremely selective and overtly against it. I did like Classical music (don't laugh) and I still do - although I rarely listen to it. More on music... Handel's Messiah is the one piece of music I would love to see performed live - along with my 'Hobbit' reading tradition (every Christmas Eve), I often fail to mention the accompaniment (being the afore mentioned). To quote a friend about music, "I love any music with a good beat"... I love the clever use of piano. I like harmonies - unusual ones. i.e. I stopped hanging around to hear Kaya (on Xfactor) once they left, waste of time kind of television anyway. Despite these particular 'likes', I don't think that my entire music collection really demands them. I think I was about 13 or 14 before I ever owned a CD, I now own more than my 3 sisters (put together might be stretching it, but it would be close). Hearing... I love the sounds certain words/phrases make. Be it 'flirting with words' as my head sometimes refers to it. Exploring unusual combinations (which I 'hear' in my head).... Had to get it in somewhere. I also like clever song lyrics that twist words to mean different things despite saying the same thing. Rain on a tin roof... No, make that rain full stop. A common favourite. The best way to go to bed is with that sound. Laughter... If it's not 'nice', it's funny because it sounds so terrible. A lone trumpet :) Pet hearing hates: -Sister's singing (Laura or Hannah) not all the time, but particularly when they are doing it purposely to annoy you. -My dog, when I'm sitting on the veranda trying to do something other than giving him full attention. -Wirebush on carpet, similar cringe factor to nails on a blackboard. -Gold 104.3 it is a rare moment when this is pleasant. -Parties with loud music/ the 'doof doof' variety. I'd rather be able to have a conversation without screaming, thanks. -Certain Connex trams with high pitched squeals, it gets close to unbearable after 10 minutes and will undoubtably last the other 70. And the best, (although in select situations) is... Silence. and a few other 'hearing' facts just for the sake of it: I occasionally - but not for a long time, have had my ears ringing, this is understandably frustrating... used to have trouble with ear infections when I was younger, maybe a byproduct. I have heard an earthquake before it happened. ... The strangest being was waking up in the middle of the night and hearing this weird yell... Completely isolated, quite scary. I've never worked out if it was a dream or an actual someone. hmm this has taken longer than intended. stopping now.

Take what's given

It's interesting God, how I mention a slow down - thinking this is what I so desperately need/want and I find myself sitting here with nothing particularly urgent to do. It's good, no not to be continually passive, but to take a little time to reflect on your greatness. To be still.

Book Review: Real Gorgeous

Book review... 1000wrds (or there abouts). written in a cram session. One sitting to read the book, one and .005 to write it. Had to include 400wrds + about a chapter/concept. Probably not the worlds greatest review but it is done. I failed an Old Testament mini test today. That would have to be a first, come close before. Mind you they only count 3 of the 4 (or is it 4 of the 5?). I've passed the others... so not studying does show afterall, although I just made stupid obvious mistakes. Better do OK on the next one. Don't mind really (kind of surprised that I don't mind :P) might be because the subject is just plain boring. stupid me :) at least read the questions properly next time. ----------------BOOK REVIEW------------------- Cooke, K (1994). Real Gorgeous: The truth about body and beauty. St Leonards, NSW: Allen & Unwin Introduction Kaz Cooke’s Real Gorgeous confronts self-esteem through a humorous, relevant look at the world of beauty. Unlike the majority of unappealing, purely informational books on self-image, Kaz Cooke presents a method of action and not just theory. She gives practical advice where her experience as a columnist aids in exploring the media influenced world of beauty. Her book offers further resources and provides young women with a wealth of useful information. Real Gorgeous The author’s intention of, “We need the facts which will make us RELAX, not the overwrought opinions that send us fleeing to stupid diets, insane over exercising and mirror-misery.” (p.ix) sets out a pattern of breaking the mould of information influenced by advertising and presents a secular view of healthy body image to the secular world. From topics on – ‘Body shape’, ‘What is normal’ and ‘You are not your buttocks’, chapters focus on the facts yet impart practical knowledge to the reader. Kaz Cooke provides insight into how our perceptions of ourselves are influenced by the media and culture and tackles eating disorders in a direct yet sensitive manner. Real Gorgeous defines what is ‘normal’ and what is considered normal, shows up the realities of the modeling industry, gives tips about the myths and lies of ‘lotions and potions’, and outlines advice on establishing greater understanding of yourself and doing daily battle with the ‘body police’. You are not your buttocks Chapter six, ‘You are not your buttocks’ draws together what has been presented through the entirety of the book and takes a closer look at self-image and self-esteem. The author identifies that, “For a long time women’s self-esteem has been tied to their feelings about physical appearance.” (p.201), although this is no new observation, the candid presentation of responses to surveys and short anecdotes in the margin of the text enforce the reality being presented. The curious use of quoting segments of graffiti found in Australian Universities regarding ‘self’ and individual reflections provides authenticity to the writing and the reader is easily able to associate. Despite the realism of the situation from a secular perspective and there is an apparent but unknowing adhesion to the Christian perspective of being, “fearfully and wonderfully made” (Ps 139:13-14). In discussing the pressure to have bad body image, the author expresses her annoyance at advertisements, particularly those of the beauty industry and as she points out, “Thighs, hips and bums are not ‘stubborn’ any more than they are ‘confused’ or ‘happy. Body parts do not have personalities or feelings.” (p.203) Cooke dispels the attaining of a ‘perfect body’ as a myth and defines ‘body hatred’ as fashionable. There is immense truth in the author’s words and she has a clear perception of Australian/Western culture. It was encouraging to find a book that considered the flipside of the ‘fat factor’ in a short segment on ‘being thin’. As the majority of books emphasise the issues that larger girls deal with. The problem of the questioning of femininity, presents again the dilemma of body shape. The author’s convinced position and contention of working with and being satisfied with what you have, does not contradict the biblical position on, “Man looks at the outward appearance, but the Lord looks at the heart.” (1 Sam 16:7) yet does nothing to emphasise the need to look inwardly. “Body-image boosters” are provided with the author’s direction to, “Come back and read this section any time you feel bad about yourself.” (p.208). Proverbs 31:30-31 clearly defines beauty as fleeting and, “the woman who fears the Lord is to be praised”. Although coming from a secular position, and having neither the expectation nor requirement to focus on the spiritual/internal and despite effectively promoting tips for developing a healthy mental attitude to body image, the author completely fails to point out the actual triviality of external beauty. The rest of Chapter Six addresses what the author calls, “the body police”, focusing on the judgments of others, the pressure upon girls and women’s physicality, their ‘figures’ and their faces. Kaz Cooke speaks about being, ‘trapped by the lies’. This greatly reflects the truth of, “man looking at the outward appearance” (1 Sam 16:7). However in combating those ‘lies’ the author presents a mental (and occasional spoken) method of giving the reader a list of comebacks to use when faced with a, ‘you’re fat’ (or similar) comment. This action although potentially helpful in principle, is questionable in its content and method. As Christians our worth needs to be found not in affirming our value in being comfortable in our body shape, but in understanding how God sees us for who we are. If we fully understand that we are created in His image, our worth will come from a deeper more secure source. Nevertheless, each method is about adapting a mental attitude and in this the author has hit on an effective means of beginning to address body-image issues. Conclusion Real Gorgeous has found a niche in the world of ‘self-image’ information. Accompanied by humorous cartoons and insights from ‘real women’, this book is easy to read, informative yet practical. Kaz Cooke’s intention of writing not just another book of theory but one about action appeals and is effective for its audience. Despite the need for Christians to find their initial worth in God and their ‘being comfortable with themselves’ as a byproduct, this is the presentation of truth from a secular author in a media choked society of lies and in that you cannot go far wrong.

Author and Perfector (abridged)

It is interesting looking back over what I wrote yesterday... because I was still in a black hole of confusion after writing them, as if I slipped momentarily out of it and then unknowingly back. Hebrews 12:2-3 Let us fix our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy set before him endured the cross... Consider him who endured such opposition from sinful men, so that you will not grow weary and lose heart. on last night: Thank you for listening, for God's wisdom through you. I needed to hear that. God, your peace trancends understanding. Help me to stop scrutinzing where each individual part fits into my big picture. I can't begin to say that I even know what that picture is. Script my life, take away this desire to try and do it all myself. Slow my overthinking, my compulsive analysing. Slow me down. Thank you for this stretching. You've got me, let me stay in the security of knowing that you'll only take me as fast as I can go. You are constant. Holy God, you're my savior, you're my complete.

Dragon Scales (unabridged)

And yesterday's topic comes up today. I should be starting to know you'll do that God. Why don't we expect these things? CL was a blur most of today, but Intro to C. Belief - that's where things hit home... its usually the other way around. Rowan read Eustaces dragon story from the Voyage of the Dawn Treader (CS Lewis). About the dragon scales been peeled away. His attempt to do taht own his own. We were looking at salvation and R drew a diagram that just made a heap of sense. At first it was just one U moving from creation>fall/birth to sin>exile>death>Jesus>life>salvation/forgiveness> etc... > new creation. Anyway, in further exploring sanctification the U became U with lots of smaller U's. The small U's being areas where we have maybe been through stuff before, but haven't quite got a reality yet of what it means. It hit home taht this is what's happening. My arrow is labelled 'past' although I dont really know why. However, this is part of santification, part of the process and for that I am thankful. Funny how the obvious things haven't been lately, and the smaller things so blatantly clear. 1 Cor 1:18 ... we are continually being saved. As Eustaces dragon scales hurt when they were ripped from his body, it's not a painless process. It needs to happen. I am being saved And my hope is in my creator who is working in me To renew me over and over. Tirelessly he walks with me through the valleys And will be with me until his purpose for me is complete And I am made full and fully known. Even then he will always be, My strength, my hope, my God.

Frustration (slightly abridged)

God I'm stuck in this rut again. I get busy, stressed, my mind is working overtime trying to compensate. It's so good God to see this stuff, to be shown heaps. Please, I need the environment for it to sink in. This is life God. Its so rushed. What happened to be still and know God? Is seeing this awesome work part of taht? I wish God - and I want to know more o fyou. I'm being pulled sideways from both directions. I don't understand! I don't even know why I'm continually frustrated with myself. I'm overstepping, overthinking. God I need more of you. Help me to stop. So much God, its as if I only get the slightest taste before I'm pressed an pulled to the next thing. It would be nice if more made sense. What doesn't feel right? Take this hurry God, let your voice of truth speak into my life, help me to stop demanding results, plans, goald, you know what's best for me. Make knowing that a firm reality in my life. "O my strength, I sing praise to you; you O God are my fortress, my loving God." Ps 59:17 'still you hear me when I'm calling... you told me who I am. I am yours' - Casting Crowns Ah God, where is the hope when the frustration knocks boldly at the front door - why are the good things compressed into this tight place in my mind? When I sit to think the strugges express themselves inelequoently and flood my mind. Its a viscious cycle. Why does the frustratedness feel stronger than the peace, the joy - because that is there it just battles to show it's face. Help me Lord to hold on tight to that joy, take captive my every thought. Help me not to get bogged down in attempting to sort out my own problmes, to complete task after tast, to slow the busy. I only need you. forgive me God. You slipped to second place again. Keep first. looking back... Romans 8:20-21, frustration is a good thing to push us forward.

No night there (abridged)

God, has it taken four years? Is that why this is all coming up again? How much things have changed. I look back on the photos of when the Carters visited - I remember how chewed up I was inside. I can see it through my face. How confused I was. I wanted to shut out the world and was grasping desperately at the moment. What - how much did it show? How I want to go back and do some things differently. Am I so fixated in the past still? I look at me now - how much more have you done. I have that one thing to be thankful for - that he saw the potential no one else saw - somehow, and it gave me hope. Would I still be the same old me otherwise? So maybe you're showing me again how to let things lie in their rightful place. To not force them to a backburner, or feel horrible thinking I have to forget. Those chapters of my life need to close. To be visible but not stirred. God, experience should be that shouldn't it? The past, the past? In hindsight, I guess leaving - You chose the right moment for me. Why can I remember things like that so clearly - remember feeling? I don't know why I"m remembering all this stuff. What am I still holding on to? Tradition girl, set in ways, holding too tightly, missing the now. Fix me Lord, Piece me back together, a newer design not the same old same old. Create in me a pure heart God and renew a steadfast spirit within me. I understand. I wish this wasn't happening - is this a step towards complete? What did I distort along the way? Part of the road to better? This is going back and cleaning the mess, dealing with it is what I've tried to do before, that and ignore it. You want it. Have it. Your way is better. "Father, I want to know Thee, but my coward heart fears to give up its toys. I cannot part with them without inward bleeding, and I do not try to hide from Thee the terror of the parting. I come trembling, but I do come. Please root from my heart all those things which I have cherished so long and which have become a very part of my living self, so that Thou mayest enter avid dwell there without a rival. Then shalt Thou make the place of Thy feet glorious. Then shall my heart have no need of the sun to shine in it, for Thyself wilt be the light of it, and there shall be no night there." -A. W Tozer (The Pursuit of Godliness)

SITAG

Went to the Mellows for tea tonight, Uncle James was there. Explaining SITAG to people... usually I don't try, they don't ask. Strange having something so central to your life and so different from everyone else. SITAG - Solomon Islands Translation Advisory Group my family my friends my home The adults become your Uncles and Aunts - hence Uncle James, Uncle Greg, Aunt(y) Heather. Familiarity, second families, friends all in one. Worth saying something about the Mellows, didn't just know them through the Solmons, we grew up with them. We have photos of Laura, Emily and I with Phillip when he was about 3. Greg, Heather, Phillip (17 this year), and the twins - Leon and Kevin (15 this year) It's so unbelieveably nice to walk into somewhere - even if you haven't seen them for ages and be so completely at ease. It's as if I know how to have fun with them which sounds awkwardly strange even to my ears. The twins... it's as if they never change. Well they do - hearing Leon's voice at the breaking stage :) Full of questions as always. Phillip's changed. I've always got along w/ Phil really well. It's like there's this unknown, nonspecific understanding b/w us. I really would one day like to sit down and have a decent conv. with him. Funny guy, but he's got a serious side - I've seen it. We got to talking a bit about the Solomons. Not a lot. Just how we could all sit around every afternoon for months on end, playing cards in the ERC, or building mud houses in Cliffside and not get bored. The Carters, the Mellows, Us, Nathan Lee, all the others who were in town. Small things that set you apart... Blair (em's friend who was w/ us) said something about Celebrities, some game. I'm, "I don't know enough" and I had agreeance from Phillip in that he didn't either. What's not important being an MK.

One thing a day

Talking round the dinner table. Em and her friend Blair were going to see a movie - mum to the shops. I thought briefly of what I wrote/was thinking about earlier and decided to go along. Was sitting in the car and mum said something that seemed really, I mean really uncharacteristic - 'oh good, I haven't done anything with you for ages' - mental jaw drop. Anyway, despite the normal shopping thing, coffee at Gloria Jeans. I did finally manage to do something I'd been a very hesitant to do before, what I've been delaying on for months. What I've been told I should, and know I should talk to them about... and while wandering through the toy aisle in Kmart let her know about the whole Mon situation, impersonalising it as I knew I would, but probably not as much as if I'd tried. I was thinking of that thing this morning of that stupid little adage: 'do one thing a day that scares you'. well that was it. Let me add kind to the list of stuff about Mum. woah. I just realised... a few weeks back I asked God to start showing me the things (small things) he does everyday, no wonder things have been blaring obvious lately. :) I think he's amusing himself with my life and frankly I don't mind one bit.

external perspectives

...I walked out into the kitchen/livingroom just before to grab some coffee and Dad - who in his box of an office would not have been able to see me, calls out, 'hi bec'. It's interesting to think that people know your step, your walk or something about you when you walk into a room. It would a strange thing to be a parent. How would it be to watch your kids grow up - an external perspective (although I'm sure they'd miss a lot) on their life. Seeing them change, go off the rails, grow, watch their take on accepting the principles you've attempted to make base values, fall in love, get married, have their own kids. To see their birth, to see them x no. of years on. To watch descisions affect circumstances. To wonder if you had failed or suceeded. To wonder if things got out of control one day and you never fully got back on track. As much as I one day would love to be a parent, it's a terrifying prospect, here you are completely responsible for a human being (:) excepting God) How does single parenting work? You'd go out of your mind. I understand a little more today of Monica's fear. How do you respond to someone like that? I am as, no, more inexperienced than her. I can give her advice about getting a mentor, finding a young mum to talk to, discussing things through with her own, and prayer. But what else? Looking at my own relationship with my parents... what would I rate it? Good but not great. Not close, but not indifferent. I have so much respect for my Dad and the Godly way I see him living, yet I don't often hang out with him. Not as much as we used to. My excuse of doing the 'boyish' things, the enjoying computers, the building the occasional thing - I guess that was because I caught some of his enthusiasm. I've never thought of my stint of doing stuff like that as being an excuse to spend time with him. Subconsiously maybe. We were out driving Hannah somewhere the other day when mum was away. I was getting driving practice. After dropping her off I mentioned something about grabbing some lunch (thinking a pie), He said no, not enough money. Then 5mins down the road made me stop at this restaurant thing on the side of the road. Lots in the Yarra Valley area. Gave him a surprised look, he did a 'me' thing... a 'may as well' shrugging off importance. Ha, pie or restaurant - which is cheaper? And so we had lunch. I don't know if I've ever done that w/ Dad before. Not for years, not since he used to take us out individually to Macca's for breakfast and that happened what? once. It was strange really... I didn't know what to feel, what I felt. Gratitude. It's as if I'm not used to Dad showing love for any of us (bar mum) that way. I got to talk to him about some gush stuff - it being, I guess, me realising it as a passion... it's nice to have someone listen externally about stuff like that. Weighing up Dad's lunch, against Mum's more frequent: stop by a cafe and love of coffee (which I have completely inherited)... I don't know. My relationship with Mum differs so much. I have had I guess a love/cant-stand relationship with her. I have been known in the past to get so unbelievely frustrated, to yell at her and her at me. Pinning the word 'respect' on Dad - I've not been able to do that with Mum, not as eaisly. We spend more time together. 2003 - I would spend every Wednesday (in her picking me up from school to go to L. High for VET) with her at a cafe. It was important I think, in a slight attempt to regain some ground lost previously. Of all people in my family, Mum is the one I still find hardest to get along with. I go through stages of wondering what Dad sees in her :\ - how come she doesn't frustrate him like she does me. I understand reasonable, logical people. Mum is neither. My attempts at passing over the fact that I am in disbelief at some of the conclusions she draws (in arguments)or just in her sometimes overprotectiveness aren't always very sucessful. I should probably try harder. She drives us everywhere. What are my parents love languages...? Mum's is most definitely quality time. They're doing a marriage enrichment course at the moment... Laura and I find the occasional thing that makes laugh about it :) something this morning. You don't everyday walk into your parents bathroom and find soemthing written on the mirror in lipstick. Before that and still, they use Saturday afternoons to do something specifically together (without us). I want a marriage that works like that. Talking about relationships w/ parents with people - I've found you get along better w/ the parent you are most like (yes probably generalising a little too much here). Looking at myself and although I am more like dad characteristically I can see just as much of mum in me - the problem is, when I see those things they aren't always qualities I like. Maybe I'm attune to look for the wrong things. My Dad has incredible patience. Can say no. People look up to him. He has an awesome God relationship. I remember walking into their room one evening about 4 years ago, it was dark he was there praying. I remember finding something that he wrote before he was married... and how I still have that and how I want him to have it one day. I admire him. My efforts fall short when looking at Mum. I wish I really really want to see more, to start picking out the good things in Mum. She's a very generous person... I can get only so far and then I run out of stuff. I don't want to. God, please show me. I've been told your relationship with your parents improves when you move out. No, I'm not one for being candidly honest and talking through stuff with Mum or Dad (I hardly do that with friends), I don't know if that will happen and I don't think it will for awhile. I think things could be better though. What would it be like to watch me - from birth, to now, to then? What does my 'then' look like? my coffee is cold.

Christmas Day 2001 (un-abridged)

Why those things God, that change a perfectly OK day into one that just brings up stuff you thought you were kind of over? One tiny video clip of the view out of a plane window, crossing a coast - not even the same country and you're sitting there will all those mixed feelings and an overwhelming sadness for what was. You know you can't share it, because there'd be no point, because people do not understand unless they have been in similar shoes. I had chosen to forget - or I had forgotten what it was like. That Christmas day was a horrible ugly blur, that when looking back has been captured and plastered in your mind in a series of very rememberable slow motion scenes. The stark memory of the day before you left. Sitting there looking across. Wanting, willing it to go away, wanting them to talk to you and knowing they wouldn't know what to say. Just staring, thinking about everything and anything. The night before - crying in the perfected art of silence. The last touch and looking back out the window at your stupid lovely dogs. The Christmas lunch, with the mock cheer, the bad chicken stuffing, the good American food. Standing behind that computer... that last opportunity, wondering if to, and how to say goodbye, and thank you. Walking down the MAF steps for the last time, remembering that they used to be crooked. The drive to the airport, that felt so long and so short all at once. The mountains on Guadacanal. The Lunga river bridge. The wait at the airport, the many photos, the hugs, the clinging that you tried to stand back from. That awful moment when you couldn't any longer hold back from crying... you held out longer than any one else. Walking out the door and looking back one last time, trying desperately to capture their faces, picking out the few who meant so much. That flight that you cannot remember except for the blurred crossing of the caost. The green and the blue. Saying good-bye to your home one last time, knowing that every little thing from there on would be so very different.

Love is a maximum

I feel a bit silly posting this, but we were looking at Song of Songs in Old Testament today (:P for once the class was interesting - and yes we did do other stuff!) and it reminded me of this song... The words are I'm pretty sure taken straight or almost out of Song of Songs. Arise, my love, my lovely one come, Winter is past and the rains are gone. The flowers appear, it's the season of song, My beautiful one, arise and come with me. Who is it that appears like the dawn? As fair as the moon, as bright as the sun? Show me your face, let me hear your voice. My beautiful one, arise and come with me. Set me like a seal on your heart, For love is unyielding as the grave. The flash of it is a jealous fire, No flood can quench, For love is as strong as death. Arise my love and come with me Before the dawn breaks and the shadows flee. You ravished my heart with just one glance My beautiful one, arise and come with me. Do not arose or awaken love Until it so desires. Arise, my love, my lovely one come, The Winter is past and the rains are gone. The flowers appear, it's season of song, My beautiful one, arise and come with me. I am my love's, my beloved is mine. Arise and come with me. -Michael Card Some of the responses when we were discussing it (Song of Songs) were interesting. One girl J hadn't ever realised what it was about and her surprise :P Sam(antha) has always taken the thing very allegorically or whatever you call that, of it being God and the church. Yes there are some elements of that. But what a beautiful picture of love. The celebration and perfection of love, sex etc... appropriate love. How real. "When you drop a lot of the connotations, word's like intimacy can only be described as heavily beautiful"

Conformity as a lifestyle (slightly-abridged)

I'm floundering again, or maybe I'm just a little lost. I don't know why I get this feeling. It's different this time. I came to the conclusion sitting in class today that I don't know myself any more and I can't work out if that's a good thing or not. Maybe it's a case of knowing myself or beginning to understand myslef with a lot of walls that were previously there smashed. My inside is being rennovated... and I'm sitting here over analysing again. God, I do wonder what you are trying to show me with all this worship stuff lately. It's like you are holding a neon sign in front of my face but still cannot read the words. Help me to understand Gd if there are specifics adn this is not just the beginning of a progressive journey - which is probably better in the long run anyway. Or is this just another way of you showing me small stuff through my everyday? I look at this 'lesson' so to speak and where it began... My guess now i sthat it started before the worship conversation and with that week I took off music, what did I ask You then?... I asked you to teach me through the 'silence' and who me more of your greatness. From the week off you bought me a conversation, a day to reflect more on it with a sermon/words closely aligned. You had me go listen about 'passion' wiht Christine Caine and you gave me a CL class on worship of all things! Remarkable coincidences some might call it. I love seeing you work. But I dont' understand. Ha, thats right, another thing, you gave me that article. Surprisingly it didn't feel as if I got as much out of theis week's Creative Living, maybe because I've been 'primed' and have been exploring the lingo so nothing hugely stood out. Should it matter if there are standout moments or not, probably not. So things that did make half an impression: the wearing of a facade etc... is not worship. God doesn't tolerate lies, worship is the same. Jane came up with the word 'conformity' as a word thought of when hearing the concept 'worship'. That is pretty much the most explicit way of describing so many services, hypey or not. "If you cannot worship the Lord in the midst of your responsibilities on Monday, it is not very likely that you were worshiping on Sunday" - Tozer We listened to the 'Hallelujah' song by Jeff Bukley (the Shrek one) discussed it and determined that worship was giving your hallelujah's to something/someone be it God or other. Romans 12:1-2 and 1 Cor 10:31 God please work in me, help me to give my hallelujah's only to you.... Be first. Conformity as a lifestyle sucks.

Thank you

...I wrote this earlier, and I don't know whether or not, now to delve a little deeper into my mind or just let things be. God, today has been so full, there's so much I could think about, explore mer and learn so much from, but all I want to do is know that I am wholely and completely yours... to forget the intricracies of theologically and doctrinely correct nitpicking and to be with you. Be my safety. Everything in me just wants to say thank you... I could be as low as someone with their face pressed into the ground and never be able to praise you enough. thank you thank you thank you... the fullness of my day from the following: Church. It stood out to me today, as we were light on 'vocalists' although we had a fair ammount of other music, and about 3/4 of the way through music stuff one of the other guys (not on the team for this week) got up and helped them out. I liked that, it's funny but you don't often see expressions of genuine kindness even in a church setting. Sermon was on thankfulness. My mind must have been well ahead of me, because looking at it now, my afternoon was not really that full. Aside from walking the dog and reading my 'doctrine' book (homework) I didn't do a whole lot. My mind has been further playing on the worship conversation I had with other person a week back - I think because it stemmed from a discussion based on the dissatisfaction of my church. Align with the whole 'worship'/'passion' thing has been me noticing the sincere lack of joy in most of the members of my church. I am not surprised to some extent, the general population being well, older. The whole matter or not being surprised is kind of disheartening. Geoff said today, with the thankfulness stuff - why don't we show it? What about smiling? Clapping? It's OK to lift your hands. haha oh yes. If I struggle watching the lack of 'anything' as an introverted 'part of the congregation', how much more does he go through trying to put a little genunine (yes I like that word) enthusiasm into the place? I know God, you are working there, WPC has come a very long way from what it was a few years back, it's been through a rough patch. I just find it incredibally difficult to keep making these mental excuses for it when I feel like we are drastically missing something. When Jess called Laura this afternoon and said, do you and Bec want to come to 'Generate' to hear Christine Caine... my initial response was: no, not really - I've got stacks of other stuff to do tonight. I called Laura back about 2 minutes later and asked her what was being spoken about. Ah the irony, 'Passion'. God you have a strange sense of humor. I decided to go. mm. so now. after thankfulness, wandering thoughts and an evening of passion :). I am here. Have I come to any more conclusions on me, where I stand as a 'passionate person for God'? No. No further than to say, to be authentic is the most important thing. "It's who you are and the way you live that count before God. Your worship must engage your spirit in the pursuit of truth. That's the kind of people the Father is out looking for: those who are simply and honestly themselves before him in their worship." -John 4:23 (MSG) This has been affirmed over and over. God, I went to tonight's thing with the intention of exploring more of 'worship' and being 'passionate' for you. Help me to live out life concerned with the 'whatever's'. You put in me a greater desire to work for you in the things that I am involved in now. I was encouraged for being right where I am. My perpetual want for stretching myself a little bit further all the time has wound me back to the position of again remembering the importance of now. Do I ever learn?