One life

“Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?” – Mary Oliver "If you don't know where you're going, it doesn't matter which way you go." – Lewis Caroll (The Cheshire Cat) “I would have cried and laughed less while watching television – and more while watching life.” - Erma Bombeck

Been tackling writing a personal mission/vision statement. I haven't managed to reach the explanation part of it (despite my prequel rambling of a thought process). This is it thus far: I will live with integrity and understanding of where I stand in relation to God. I will make a difference to the individuals around me by actively listening and putting their needs before my own. I will develop and use any means of communication that have been given to me to positively influence and impact others. I will never be content with a bystander attitude or a passive existence. I will allow myself to fail in order that I might grow. I will seek to develop my character and discover my potential but not allow it to control me. I will glorify God in all areas of life: spiritually, physically, emotionally and mentally. What think you?

Let bygones be bygones

Okay. Must thought dump so that it is entirely out of the way so I can get this silly assignment done and face the reality of beginning Nanowrimo tonight (should I happen to stay up to 12:01 which is highly likely). Monday. I love Mondays, purely because it ceases the 'I'm so bored, I actually need people' thing that encompasses most weekends. Despite being introverted, when it comes to being around people I love, people that challenge me, people that make me laugh etc... bring them on! Troy led the first class, highly challenging as usual, I got to ask some of social justice questions although perhaps not in as great detail as if I had first written them down and came to Stephen and Troy with them. Hey there's this thing called email, why don't I use it? Stephen mentioned the Ethical Trade Registry which I will definitely go have a look at. Well, I never thought social justice stuff would bug me like it has thus far. Problem is of course knowing where to start. Adovc8 (Steve's youthy blog)has a bit to say about it. This is one daunting task when you step back from your own aura of aquaintances. We had about 2 minutes to quickly write an answer to: What is Jesus on about? (Re: Kingdom of God stuff), part of my scrawl bought up the phrase, "focusing on the indvidual but impacting the global" Might be a very Rebecca coloured glass view but hey, this I think is part of it. I will bring some of this up with my creative metaphor/representation of the Kingdom of God next week. Some of you might recall the time I wrote about the little boy with the deaf father whom I saw on the train, well I'm using some of that. That's the current plan anyway. The person I was planning to talk to showed up late. I handed the gush post I'd printed to Tilla who went straight to Jacqui. Didn't get to talk to her after that, which is all fine, I don't need to know if/what they are doing about it. Afternoon break I asked * if she wanted to talk, I got some, "Oh, I have to do something else right now" weakish excuse, I felt no real urgency in following it up just then. Went had accountability time (sorta) w/ Katie and Jo. Anyway. Warwick doing class on Spiritual warfare (this is class no.2) He was talking about some freedom thing/naming stuff. He told us we'd be paring up. If that wasn't a blindingly obvious opportunity to talk to her then nothing was. Wrote Katie a note saying I'd be deserting her. Felt strangely kind of afraid or whatever while sitting there which err, I talked to God about and it mostly went away. Had a really good talk to *. It was meant to be a two way kind of thing, it felt more one way to me all up, but I think that is probably the way God wanted it to go. She talked and talked and I asked questions and we prayed and ha, kept getting the feeling that she had more to say, so prodded her about what was on the post and other stuff that came up. A lot of the questions Warwick gave us to look through surrounded the topic of 'where you've been decieved' etc... Hey. There was nothing gob smackingly horrific or shocking or anything. Quite normal (dare I generalise) female mind issues and stuff, human issues. Came to something near the end which I am going to have to remind her about during the week. I hope throughout that I was able to speak something into her life - that God was doing that through me. *wry smile* this is like modding offline.

A look into fair trade

I have been searching out some of the Schweppes/Cadbury/Nestle/Coke sites re: fair trade and policies. Namely for interests sake. You wouldn't believe how much digging you have to do to actually get to the info, but it is there. Schweppes views on fairtrade (oh how curious how they skirt the actual issue). Nestle's Africa report and stories and 'contribution' to the UN Millenium Development Goals and of course Coke that, "exists to benefit and refresh everyone it touches". I found my way to the coke facts site, which is possibly a 'covering of their back' for myths (or perhaps truths) about exploitation. And I find this,

Does The Coca-Cola Company operate sweatshops in Colombia? No, we do not. A “sweatshop” is an operation that exploits low labor costs to produce goods for exports, generally from poor countries to richer countries. That is NOT how The Coca-Cola Company operates. Coca-Cola beverages made in Colombia are produced by Colombians for sale to Colombians.

and also this,

Is The Coca-Cola Company misusing local water resources in India? No. We are one of the most efficient users of water in India. In fact, we've been recognized for our environmental practices by prominent global organizations, including the Red Crosslink.

Who knows who is telling the truth? This site is endorsed by the CocaCola company... Another curious site I found when I was looking up Made In China which is an interesting article, very activist based. And another. I'm still not entirely sure why they bother to label clothing with the country of origin. I shall be asking some questions tomorrow.

Pipol Fastaem

Well if you happened to be at all interested. I found myself back to the Pipol Fastaem (People First) website which is a Solmon Islands based. So various news and stuff. More interesting are the pictures (go through digital library). If you select provences: Malaita, Guadalcanal and (Honiara) -which is the Capital city. These are various places I grew up. I had a quick look and recognised a few familar spots. Ask me if you like. *edit :o Had another look. It's all there! Henderson Airport, Auki Island, Lulisiana, Bonegi, the Yacht Club beach even!!!!

The price of loose change

How curious. The last time I got an email from this person was almost a year ago. This one has been sitting in my inbox for about three days. No it wasn't specifically for me - a group email, it asks for a reply. I am the only one of my siblings which got the email - which is vaguely curious. I grew up with this person, they played somewhat of a significant role in my life in 2001. Change. How much I have changed. It frustates me sometimes when I realise how ineffective I've been in keeping in touch with Solomons people. We all moved and moved on. I still love them like my family. I would still spend time with them above anyone else in the world, more than the friends I have now. I would drop anything 'important' if they were around. But I don't really know them anymore. You know. I can't even remember them. I can't remember their voice and I only know their smile from photos. How do you reintroduce yourself? Hi, I'm not the Rebecca you know, but I'm the same you knew. I have been wondering whether to even bother replying. Something in me wants to. Something in me wants to leave the lot behind so I don't potentially have to rehash what was. Maybe its a risk? I'm most definitely thinking things through too much, I know those of you who would say to me, "What's your problem Bec" and those who don't even see the issue. Church this morning. A Sunday reoccurence of feeling vastly dissatisfied with the church I'm in. Ot's all perfectly fine when the sermon's going. Its really good in that respect. Yet there is this massively gaping void of relationship. If Jess is not there, if Analise is in with the kids, then there is a hello and a bit of small talk with Isobelle and that is it. I do not know people. I can't joing a young adults small group until YITS is over as it clashes with Wednesday night class. Ostracized? Curls was there this morning, back from England - Laura talked with him, I didn't recognise him at all until he was pointed out. Its hard path. I was talking to God during the singing. This year has rocked what comfort I found in tradition. Jess said she doesn't feel like going to church at all anymore. It seems just a place for Sunday, where is the living - the community outside one designated morning or evening a week? Disatisfaction. I don't feel like I fit in 'what I used to describe as' church anymore, I don't feel it is effective, I don't feel it is the best or most useful way of doing things. I am sitting on the top of a cliff edge looking down. I have now, a footing in a community, a footing in close relationships. One foot. I don't have that other foot anywhere solid, that foodt should be in a church community. What happens when I loose the other footing? This year. I might as well be a lump of play dough. I don't know my shape any more. Every day seems to change me. I would not trade what I have gotten out of this year for anything. I am proud of where God has taken me, quite astounded at what He's done. Fear is the price of growth. Risk for the non-risk taking Rebecca. I could laugh at the seemingly small things - the riduculous simple things like having to do 'swing dancing' lessons and how they have quite forcefully put me in a position to examine who I am, who I was and who I want to be. Next year. No more fishtank, no more safety in glass walls. It's the ocean as big as it is. Afraid? Only of losing what I'm leaving behind.

Made In

A funny kind of 'classy' sitting on the couch in the afternoon, listening to classical music (thank you to the Age for the complimentary cd) having a really enjoyable conversation/d&m/silly talk about all manner of things not to mention chocolate icecream and other such niceties... No one else home. Spent the afternoon mostly with Sam. After justifying the homework status on finishing 'Spiritual Gifts Assesment/Reflection'. Slept until about 9:30 this morning, which is NOTHING compared to what I needed after last night. Jess, Sam and I were catering/waitressing/doing the drinks for the Mecs (old school) Yr.11 formal. (Of which Emily was attending). They have 'formalised' the entire process so now it is dancing, parents present, each student making a 1 min speech. Well removed from our yr.11 bash where the DJ broke his leg and had to find a replacement, the dancing was impromptu (or non-existant in my case). Brilliantly stressful. I had a fine time. Jess was 'dying' under pressure. Three people doing the decorations and drinks for 150+ people all night is no mean feat. I ended up being the person running around on 'the floor' putting out drinks/collecting stuff - ha this is the least 'waitressy' of the three of us doing that. Amusing. I enjoyed it - all of it (except maybe when it came to cleaning up). Dancing. Sam attempted to teach me the female bit to the 6 Step and the Charleston, was not entirely with it. That saying. This afternoon. Hannah, Emily, Sam and I started doing various dance things (I was showing Hannah how to do them). And they ended up sort of teaching me the Nutbush - which I can't really do as each time someone tries to teach me it is at a party with too much loudness for concentrating. So maybe I can do that now. To be honest, I like dancing - when there is 'organised' type steps. I don't and will not do the whole 'just move' thing. So. I am tired now. I can't really think much. I had plenty to say earlier. Unfortunately some of the stuff I can't share her (too many people know too many people). I must have a potentially difficult/interesting conversation with someone on Monday. Prayer for that would be good. Tilla - I also need to talk to you/Jacqui about something (not exactly about me). That's right. Worked all Thursday. Good day, nice and quiet yet plenty to do. Got the train to Flinders and waited for a bit for Katie. Interesting wait really. I like watching people. Loads of people to watch. Flinders breathes, it just moves constantly. Spent the night at Jo's place. Much thanks you two :) greatly enjoyed myself. Watched some random thing on TV about this kid with a brain too big for his skull. Very very interesting, then something about those kids who age way too fast. We followed this is 'A Walk to Remember' (yeh groan away) interesting thinkings from movies like that usually, but I was a bit tired to rehash stuff. Hence the, 'Not really thinking much' Jo. Cinnamon toast breakfast - which is what started the whole thing off. Caught train with Katie to Ringwood (she not as far as I) Sam and Jess picked me up from there. Some totally unrelated comments to the 'doings and happenings' ramble ^. This week's 'Special Ministry' task thing was to set a reoccuring alarm (once a day) and check all clothing labels to see where they were made, list them, and um take some time to pray for the countries etc. very much a social justice type thing. I haven't set an alarm, I haven't listed them. I have checked a couple of times. The majority of my clothes have had Made in China. Infact, the times I've checked I haven't found anything different. The question I posed to Sam this afternoon was: why do they label with the countries at all? The simple answer is of course, law. But why? And where do you find out the why? Will some people not buy clothes made in certain countries, if so, then the whole label thing is entirely geared towards a social issue problem. Cheap clothing boasts little more than a small 'branding', care instructions (if lucky) and a Made In... Economic? Oh it probably is that. Still, it would be nice to know who decided all that, and what affect it actaully has upon the buying customer. Who if they are anything like me (two weeks ago)doesn't click two fingers into wondering the mysteries of the Made In phenomoena. "Stephen Said has ruined my life - in a good way" - Sam Thinkings and free trade, brandings and boycotting coke? A stance on societies evils? How will it help? How important is it really in the scheme of things?

Lessons from Swing

Tom, I owe you an apology and also a thanks. I got hit with a blackboard of a metaphor for my life this evening thinking about something you played a part in today. Swing dancing lessons for group focus today. Standing rather aimlessly around, people start semi-looking for partners as we didn't really know what we we're doing. Tom kindly asked me and I ho-humed a bit until the moment passed and Emma made some 'aww you got turned down' comment - to which me in my comfortable pride couldn't alter. Hey um this might seem entirely insignificant but... I was trying to work out what was going through my head when that all happened. I have always been renownd for not liking dancing, just not doing the whole dance thing. I don't know why/when it started, some is natural introverted bec'ness but not all I now think. I can recall doing bush dancing and (better still) square dancing in Year 9 or so with the other SITAG kids with Dan Burger doing the calling and really quite loving it. Since then as I don't do the whole 'get up do your own move kind of thing' - I've had people drag me onto floors at parties and stuff, 'try to make bec dance' and even had Jess and Amy S make a bet on getting me to dance. So as I think too often do. I live up to the persona. Perhaps I am embarassed dare I use the insecure word in this? I have been questioning myself tonight whether this is another issue relating to my inherent need for control. I don't know how much I have previously discussed about my grapplings with this whole entirely nasty word vulnerability. This is what I bought up on Pink Elephant Wednesday of Mid-year camp. This is my mountain. I failed today. I backed down from a semingly insignificant request to let someone else be in control, to let myself be treated as perhaps I ought. Glorious irony that this week's Gathering focus has been on 'Weakness', another that I ended up learning the male's part of the swing dancing (rather good shortage of guys compared to girls) - this is exactly how it has always been. I was given a small opportunity to change something, I think now that I even thought about it and yet I hesitated and backed down. My legs hurt now, I had a heap of fun. (Yes that's right, I enjoyed myself dancing) but I can't help but be a little sad that I lived again the Rebecca mode I am far too comfortable in. Carrying the thought further. If I was to take that opportunity next Wednesday to 'play the girl' I will have to re-learn what I did. I take the long way around. This is how it has been. It is so incredibally difficult to remove those boundries you've set up for yourself over time, and even harder to convey them to others when in words they sound so small.

The head wears the pants

There is an exceptionally diverse mix of music while carpooling with Jess and Sam. This diversity tends heavily towards Jess's favourites which frustrate me upon occasion, there is only so much you can take of La Vie En Rose, I will Survive and the Chichago soundtrack, however she does have a good lot of other stuff. Sam commented twice today I think on songs (that Jess skipped), songs that make her cry. Of to which I commented how songs just don't do that to me. I will find songs/come across songs that do the feeling for me. Is this different? Jess made mention of (I think there was that Kelly Clarkson song playing - err what's it called: Since U Been Gone) how she feels a bit strange singing stuff like that, however 'good' the music is as she simply can't relate. The love song thing. Most songs are love songs in some way or another (most popular music is anyway). Relationships seem to conusme the world and the world's industry. What happened to good old fashioned romance - not bitter saying it, but it hardly seems entirely obvious in my own life. Central focus of accountability group converstaion this afternoon: relationships (which might have been the reason we were 15mins or so late to class :P). For all manner of reasons each pertaining to Katie, Jo and I as individuals. I will not share that stuff as it is to be kept within the group. (NB. K, and Jo if I ever say anything in here that you aren't okay with do please let me know). I made some comment (ha. full of comments today) how my head rules my heart, which it undoubtably does. I get so so caught up in my thoughts sometimes that I think that I forget to feel. I took Job for a walk when I got home. Told the dog when he refused to go out the gate (really dumb sometimes) verbally to, 'Come on! I need to go think' followed by a rather good yank of the lead (which worked). So I spent the time thinking about thinking and feeling or rather how I don't feel first, or I think my feeling into being. Even in the car when I was rehashing some of today's conversations and topics and what's been on my mind and doing mental dramatics - like sometimes happens. This is what I think: I'd describe myself now as 'I just realy want to scream my head off' (I cannot remember exactly what it was about, frustrated at something or other). Then took another step back and realised I had taken a step back from what I would actually do or was feeling. I not proper reason for wanting/needing to respond that way. Ha this sounds so lame and strange and twisted and circular. Does my head put thoughts/feelings into my head? Maybe. Something else I thought I might mention (and I do hope you don't mind *). Was something put up on a blog that did directly relate to me, without using my name. This person came to me later and let me know it was me the unnamed individual that featured. I had a decent chat to her about the whole thing - which I don't hold against her in anyway (it's hardly as if she had much control over a dream). It did however run the energizer bunny through my brain, and to quote another person with whom I talked about it, "You are overanalysing her overanalysing". It had me tripping out to an extent, I was completely surprised and I guess a bit sad at when I got asked, "Is this another side of Bec? I don't really get it". Much sighings and all that. I am who I am. I hope that I have enough integrity to present myself the same person whether I am at home, at yits, at work, through the blog or on msn. The only person at all needing to appologise to myself is myself. I think too much. If I could feel/enjoy things the way I enjoyed walking around Tabor barefoot this-afternoon the world would be vastly different. Then again it might just exchange one extremist view of the world for the other. Jo. Head ruling heart is not always easier. Heart gets buried and needs to be uncovered fairly regularly or you simply forget you've ignored it and so don't ever quite know what to do with it.

Halfway Down - A.A Milne

Halfway down the stairs Is a stair Where I sit. There isn't any Other stair Quite like It. I'm not at the bottom, I'm not at the top; So this is the stair Where I always Stop. Halfway up the stairs Isn't up, And isn't down. It isn't in the nursery, It isn't in the town. And all sorts of funny thoughts Run round my head: "It isn't really Anywhere! It's somewhere else Instead!"

How fitting in a round about kind of way

Can't Stop Now by Keane I noticed tonight that the world has been turning While I've been stuck here dithering around Though I know I said I'd wait around till you need me But I have to go, I hate to let you down But I can't stop now I've got troubles of my own Cause I'm short on time I'm lonely And I'm too tired to talk I noticed tonight that the world has been turning While I've been stuck here withering away Though I know I said I wouldn't leave you behind But I have to go, it breaks my heart to say That I can't stop now I've got troubles of my own Cause I'm short on time I'm lonely And I'm too tired to talk To no one back home I've got troubles of my own And I can't slow down For no one in town And I can't stop now And I can't slow down For no one in town And I can't stop now For no one The motion keeps my heart running The motion keeps my heart running The motion keeps my heart running The motion keeps my heart running

Less

To borrow a phrase off my friend Sam, "Dear lovely avid blog readers", I have had a long rant/talk with God tonight. I will not be blogging as much as I have been as it has become too consuming. I also have very frustrating rsi . I am investing in a new chair tomorrow if mum remembers to pick it up for me, which hope will help a little. This is not to say I wont be not blogging. I still will. I think sometimes I overshare. And so if I can let the focus change slightly I will. Jo you asked me once "Why do you blog". Maybe I should work that out. I have not fully worked out how I will/if I will change a focus - does this even have a focus? I don't particularly want to be asked millions of 'why' questions. I am finding msn and such 'methods' increasingly frustrating, limitating so I will hope to lighten up on that usage as well. Nothing beats real life realtionships. For those of you from yits. I am finding it exceptionally difficult to answer the, 'Who am I becoming?' question and other such annoyances. I have been caging myself a little in words - not just in expressing stuff here or to you in conversation (real or otherwise), but to my own head. I am this very normal often lonely, not knowing what's next human. I'd do well to remember it. Where God fits in all this. In not knowing. Oh he's there. Some stuff needs to be fixed re: me and him - which is a bit of what tonight's been on about. Uni next year. I dont know if this is what I want to be doing. Yet I get to talk to a guy over lunch at work today - Paul Stevens. 'Interactive designer' how beautifully fitting. Had a good real kind of conversation (as much as you can have) with someone I've met once (in passing before). He asked good questions. Gave me his business card - any questions re:design etc... just email. Good contact to have. I realised later that it was I guess God's way of letting me know I'm not in on this next year thing along he's got his fingers in my pie. A question of priorities, maybe is what tonight has been.

Sminsess Blamblasators

"one thing that was pretty cool I learnt in girls discipleship but it applies to guys too! Is about being Princess Ambassadors."

*Gag* I hate terminology like this. argh! Principles ok. Choice of Christianese - oh dear.

Social Influence

"Dumb dog"... or however that song from Annie goes. No really Job (my dog) is smart. The nights it rains he'll wait under shelter for me to bring him his food then is kind enough to accompany me back to the verhanda in the rain. Best dog I've ever had. Kira (the dog I still have, but in the Solomons) was too indiviualistic at times and Monty personified the D in dog as dumb. Muffin was vaguely intelligent. Dogs are so much nicer to own in Australia, no fleas, not ticks no weird reactions to weird plants that result in them being covering in weird lumps. No people poisioning them so they can rob your house. What am I talking about dogs for anyway?! Rain. The one night Jess leaves the car at the bottom carpark. /rant Ok. Full day. Morning Lifeskills class rather disrupted as Jim (Ocean Grove YITS) forgot he was teaching our class thismorning so we had 'event management' time. Which is entirely equivalent to chaos - I think it is slowly sorting itself out. A reminder to myself here to finish the poster that we now have correct info for. Jane and Dave - yet again couldn't do this with out them. Much thanks! 30mins later after 'feeling organised' Dave comes to me with the news that we no longer really have the budget we thought - some misinformation or something :S very big 'oh no's!'. I forgot to catch up with him (that being you Dave) and ask if he talked to Rohan about how much $ we actually do have to work with. How annoying. Bah, it'll sort itself out somehow. This afternoon - Urban Seed (with my significantly depleted half of the yits crew). Caught the train in. Lift to the station with Nathan and Jess C. Kat being entirely 'Kat'ish' on the train - loud. Kerryn talking to strangers :P... Alice arguing for the fun of it. Iain yelling 'Cripple coming through'. A lot to think about from the Urban Seed thing. I was entirely annoyed I had no pen/paper on hand as I could have filled a page with nice insights. So Collins Street Baptist. We went up the 10th story of some apartment building where Uban Seed people stay. Good balcony up there. The guy (Brent) leading took us through some passages in Mark and related a lot of what they are doing there to that. This is relational mission and not welfare. Got to see Credo Cafe, sat in a board room thing that smelt really good - don't know what of - just wood and oldness I think and the 'backdoor' - apparently where 20% of the city's drug activity happens (alley way). I got some photos, not lots. I am entirely pleased about something Brent said as it will help me greatly with my Kingdom of God (creative) assignment. About the extremes of society. Tax collectors and 'sinners' - business people and homeless people (ignoring steryotypes). This still demands more thought at a later stage but I finally have half an idea. Bah! I wish I'd had paper there. We were waiting for a couple of those talking to Marcus and other Urban Seed people out the front of the back alley. Had half chat to Ben - don't hang round him much. Noticed a lady with a Louii Vuitton bag. Started banter about people wasting money and not paying any attention to those other aspects of life. Quite a contrast the old guy in a grey suit and yellow tie moving around in a boutique to the graffiti land that embraces the concrete 50 metres away. My thoughts continued along these lines when we made our way back to Flinders St. Had short group conversation waiting infront of Hungry Jacks around 'fashion and making statements' and different interpretations of 'cool'. Quite interesting. Fed further into earlier 'wealth - no-care status quo' thoughts. Watched people, wondered if they gave half a thought to what it would be like to not have the dough to consume. heh - consume:consumerism. interesting. Train ride back. Talked to Tilla a fair bit, stuff about uni and next year and um, writing (Nanowrimo ideas still at 0). "You should do something with it one day". More thoughts for later. Good encouragement. Thanks Tilla - you do that more than you know :) Dinner. Basketball fun'ness that hurt my wrist but I ignored it. Ended up lying aimlessly on the concrete with Sam and Dave as Darryn kept shooting. Realised I was kind of tired. Bought cheapo coke needed caffine - very bad. Another thing. After all this 'social justice' orientated talk of late. I cant buy coke without thinking of other consequences - company treatment etc. however small a part one can of coke plays. I couldn't drink a cup of tea last night withouth getting online to research (this is no joke!) which was 'less bad' - neither tea choice/site was very informative. Tetley's seemed less concerned, so I went with the other one. Was discussing fair trade coffee/tea with Emma in class on Tuesday (another person I don't talk to much) - how it is frustrating for pov students. I don't think I'll stop thinking about this stuff - will no doubt just get more concious about it all. Bother information. It's a good thing. These are the kind of things I've never really given much thought to in regards to Christianity. I am not a social justice freak yet, might well become one - more of one anyway. Youth Ministry. Excellent class tonight. Much about 'Coaching'. And a tackronym that I might remember: pGROW. Pray, goals, reality, observation, will. I realise I do a lot of this kind of discipleship without realising it. It really was a class all about discipleship, as opposed to 'teaching' which was last week. Conversations that I'm having with Monica at the moment very much follow this kind of pattern - and here I am entirely oblivious that I'm maybe doing something useful! Anyway, we had a 'practice' deal. Was sitting between Katie and Darryn. Ended up doing this with Darryn. Darryn is one of the most introverted people I know of - until you engage him in some kind of conversation and then he's quite insightful. I really don't get some of his humor - it's quite strange. ho hum. So. Idea is to pick something (a goal) about what God's been teaching you through the class (I guess Warwick giving us a hand in finding something). Anyhoo. Darren went first as I made him. Talked about Bible reading stuff (and actually finding people to impart this GROW stuff on). I find myself again commiting to keeping someone accountable for doing 'God stuff' - which is good as it sort of puts something back on me to 'practice what I preach'. Then my turn. I give some waffle (seriously, it was all over the place - poor guy) about how I'd like to do more discipleship type stuff with um the gush girls and how it happens mostly via msn but on msn I sit in my bubble of talking with the same people... etc... and how I often don't have the energy/motivation despite wanting to do more. Gush is a lot about discipleship and I don't think we really use it to its full potential. Also mentioned the need to find someone else to hah 'train up' (I cant think of another word) to help hold the fort with female mods etc. and not really seeing anyone (except thinking about it now: ---) So interesting experience, talking stuff out and getting input. Then we figured we'd better pray as we didn't do it at the start. Funny kind of moment. So Darryn starts (yeh, I made him - it's evil twin coming out in me). I get a comment, "I'm not very good..." gave the "no matter" kind of response. So he starts praying (I feel strange commenting on this) and you know when you hit that blank. Well yes, he did. So I waited until he found the words again. And then had one of those 'sit back' moments as all these words just kept coming. I was semi-stunned. Nicest prayer almost ever that I've had someone pray for me. End of that. Did the 'woah' comment without using the word 'woah'. I confess I like Darryn a lot more when he's confident (which doesn't seem too often) maybe he just needs encouragement. Then yeh I prayed. I have never really liked praying outloud too much as I tend to overthink myself and the 'thinking on the spot' results in becoming wordless at times. Much improved if I just talk and don't think. So yes. Ahh. so much to get down. Conversation in the car with Jess and Sam about House churchs. I expressed my hesitiation with not knowing how 'leadership' works - not knowing enough. As I think the Bible has a lot to say about leadership. We've been considering starting up something or other (not knowing how). I suggested the more feasable idea of a small group (some other yiters in the area potential interset, but not exculive to yits). This will probably go ahead after the insane month of November concludes, and then see where God takes it. I hope it does go ahead. Home now. Words exhausted, have missed much I'm sure. Enough now.

Colossians

I will post up here my ramblings from tonight which I hope to pass off as a New Testament journal entry thing. This was after reading Colossians. This might also explain my 'sound of horror' (That noise I made in gathering - no Jo, you didn't hurt me, the massage was VERY nice - I just was a bit louder than I intended in my 'ahh' when I noticed something Jacqui said that all nicely linked up with the 'mysetry' thing.) ------------- There is an overwhelming sense of misplacement in the book of Colossians. Paul and Timothy – this is a letter from prison and an entirely un-natural expression of thankfulness and encouragement. My response to being jailed would hardly be that of encouraging the external world. Paul scarcely mentions his imprisonment and focuses on doing God’s work right where he is. This is admirable and encouraging in itself without the further message of Colossians. We spent a good deal of today’s class talking about ‘powers’ particularly money. Rather than further follow the thoughts I had then, Col 1:21-22 jumped out in regards to recent conversations and further understanding of a friend grappling with self-esteem. Alienation from God and being enemies in our minds is what happens when you are continually inward focused and concerned about what the outside thinks of you. Self-image is a power that like any other can be reconciled to Christ. We are holy and free from accusation, and although she understands the whole ‘Child of God thing’ it is a promise – a fact that is quickly forgotten in light of surrounding pressures. I can and probably should share some of this with her. Chapter One has also played an interesting role in adding to my continual discovery during this week around ‘God’s mystery’. God has chosen to make known his mystery – Christ in us. I have been reading Daniel and keep arriving at, “there is a God in heaven who reveals mysteries” (Dan 2:28). It was mentioned again today in gathering. I have been a little unsure as to where this was all heading and I can’t help but wonder if this ‘Christ in us’ thing is something I need to more fully look at. That, or God is affirming to me who I am and my role as a Christian. C.S Lewis describes us a being ‘little Christs’. I understand what this means up to a point, but really living and knowing it is not always the easiest thing to grasp. Chapter Two points out to me that Paul’s love for the people at Colossi is deep and genuine. You do not struggle for someone unless you sincerely love them, this provides credibility and enhances the encouragement all the more. Paul’s final greetings bring the context of the letter back into focus. Some of the characters mentioned display admirable qualities, what if we had people around us that ‘wrestled in prayer for us’? And what more can I do for the others around me to build them up? I find that the book of Colossians does centre on how to live more Christ like. It presents ‘rules for holy living’ that makes them look less like rules by cloaking them in support and understanding. Paul’s love is clear through his writing and so his words are effectively persuasive without being pushy. ---------------- Today. Have been having an ongoing conversation with Jess W about moving out of home next year. To be closer to uni, to (well for me) loose some more of mum's apron strings, to get to know another lot of people really well. A couple of options seem to have presented themselves in the past few days. Both tentative. Both dependant upon me finding myself another job. Ho hum, I dont want to think about that right now. Haven't discussed any ideas with parents, Dad's in the US at the moment anyway - and mum would have kittens. Still need to think about things more. I also have to work out what I'll do with my dog if I do move out - stupid dog :P things would be easier if someone else took at least partial responsibility of owning him. We shall see.

Alternative Living

Something from class today which I think is important not to forget:

"The cross is not a contract for sin alone, but a covenant for life"

In relooking at this, really helped to fit the pieces of disjointed theology back into place. By this I mean confusion about where 'good works' fit into life. You cannot by any means earn your way into heaven, or earn God's favor. And when asked by Mon the other night about where does this 'character thing' fit into the Christian life, I gave a bit of a sloppy answer. I don't think that it was very clear at all in my mind - the why's. I grapple quite frequently with the why character build?, why put in effort? complexity. To steal the phrase, 'God's lifestyle' - this is what we should be aiming at. Not trying to please God (to 'love God') with the intention of doing it on our own, for ourselves even, or others. Thi is for how we choose to live now, living life as an ongoing pursuit of Christ. And how can I at all do this? God's lifestyle (right now) demands of me to know more of who God is, what is his nature and from then it's all 'follow the leader'.

So much (abridged)

Weekend away - thoughts on that. This will no doubt come out a Scarborough Fair of disjointed thoughts as I repiece what I didn't record. Starting Friday night. Year in the Son family and friends night. I was pretty tired after trouping the shops with Sam. General excitement and nervous tension - no doubt which I partially got caught up in. I remember feebly trying to explain to Dave how it felt like a bit of an ending. I do not think I conveyed whatever it was very well. The evening I think was pulled off without too much going wrong. If it, or something did it was hardly evident to me. I had to run to find some music at one stage and I dont think they should have sung at the end, but oh well. It was excellently pulled off. Gave Dad a hug goodbye (he's off to America)and left with Jess D, Jess VW and Laura. Weekend away at Rye. A sleepy Jacqui and Analise let us in. Everyone went to bed pretty well straight way. I eventually slammed the kettle down hard enough that it worked and made tea. Jess D joined me and as the others lost htemesleves to oblivion we talked. It was Jess directed conversation which was my intent. I have no need or maybe even desire to invert my world onto hers. She talked more about... (blah blah no need to share this stuff). Not quite sure where she and God are at the moment, better than before. She was coping ok with her Nan's death until she went to youth for the first time after. And in the happy clappy pentecostal style it was too much. Her cousins up front jumping like nothing had changed. She was alienated. Grief was crowded out the door and left standing alone. And so the church effectively evicted another 'member'. Such crap. Where is the realness in our worship? Why lie? Why laugh when all you want to do is scream? Why jump when you'd be more at home in a foetal position? Praise God through all circumstances - where's that from again? Life circumstances don't all deserve a smile. Saturday. I don't think I ever really woke up at all. We went for breakfast to a cafe 'Coast'. Expensive. I ordered the cheapest on the menu. No coffee. I had water with me. Breakfast shouldn't have to be expensive. We wandered Sorrento most of the day. Those shops are becoming rather familiar. Returned to the house after lunch. Jacqui, Jess D, Laura and I went down to the back beach (St Andrews). I love that beach. Wild and calm and tourist free (unless that is what we are). Took many photos. I confess it was a very apathetic Saturday. I didn't care much about what I was/wasn't doing. I was feeling a bit sick, dead tired and not in a talkative mood. Planned to go to the drive-in (Dromana). Which we did. Some of the girls are quite adept at bad mouthing their partial/full annoyance at any not within hearing range. It became much more noticeable to me after we had some bad customer service from the chip shop woman, who's sarcastic attempt at humor left the chips tasting not quite so good. Jacqui's car is very small. There were four of us in there to see Cinderella Man. Ana and Jess W in the other for 'In Her Shoes'. Jess D started complaining mightly about being in the back so we swapped. I didn't have much choice. I asked for a bit more leg room. Everyone (myself included) were genearally annoyed. I got fed up when they kept telling me what to do. Jess gave up and decided she'd have the back as the front wasn't any better and because I wasn't happy and a bit vocal about it. Jess W and Ana came over. I got out to go with them to the loo/cafe thing for a look. Jess asked me if I wanted to join them as there was heaps of room over with them. I really did want to see Cinderella Man but decided I a) needed out of the other car before I really lost my cool or had to sit though the tension and b) I couldn't deal with a heavy movie. I was able to enjoy myself and couldn't care less if they moaned about me behind my back. Laura wouldn't, the others might have. Movie one done. Quite good surprisingly. The others called and decided not to stay. We did. The second movie 'The Perfect Catch' was a very mediocre chick flick, suitable for tired minds. Just before leaving/part of the way through the last movie. Me: staring out the window at the almost full moon and a bunch of white on rail car park dividers. A strange place for a deepish self examination and talk to God. Darkness hids emotion written on your face that will cannnot. I can't exactly remember where my thoughts wandered and what walls they climbed, aside from a few. The first that has been in the back of my mind for a long while - Laura. In my long efforts to free myself from the twin mould I have created for her - myself maybe an indifference. I do not, I think respect her in the way that I should. I ignore her much of the time and keep conversation fairly succint, which sucks. She's only ever been nice to me. She's not too invasive - except for the occasional barge into my room, "I'm bored, what can we do?" - to which I'm usually 'busy'. I talked to God aobu tit. I need to start changing whatever mask that flashes up, particularly when it's me + Laura + school friends. The second. Very probably triggered by the double shot of relationship orientated movies. My irrational brain tells me I've been mentally acting like a thirty year old single in regard to relationships. I sincerely doubt I would use that phrasing now, but that was what was in my head. I want one badly. Simply because I never have? Oh yes, some of it (loneliness) is quite normal - so normal. That saying, the lessening of relationship orientated thinking of late is pleasing. Yet, recalling past thoughts on singleness resulted in a battering ram of allowing a lot of witheld/taboo ideas out. The fact that Rebecca's realtionship capability sucks. That I really hate about myself that I often cannot keep a conversation running... amongst many other things. I went so far as to genuninely wish myself to back track and change who I am now by changing the past. I didn't think about how specifically. I basically didn't want to be me and I didn't want to think that as it's discrediting what God has made in making me. It was if I let my head have the key to the self esteem box, as if I let the pieces show. God was there, I heard him through my frustration. Who can affirm like God can? Oh but it would be nice to have an individual seek out who you are, to care appropriately. It wasn't perhaps the wisest thing to dwell on such discouraging topics (hence its usually in the forbidden thinkings compartment). Yet I think you need to rip them out of the dangerous cupboard to deal with them - to let them be dealt with. Fragile vs. Strong. How does it work? How do the two fit together - because they must. The third. Jess was playing her Lifehouse single, 'Fool' came on. "I would be a fool for you." I am a timid, turtle Christian sometimes. Why do I inwardly cringe or are uncomforatble when my Christian friends talk very Christianese around non/semi Christian friends. I should not have a hint of embarassment. I am ashamed that I do and this is what hurts most. I feel like such a fraud. Who is more important! God? Or the opinion of people - even people who I know will love me regardless. We got home, some of the others were drinking. Not much really - just 'for fun'. I was still confused and wrapped in my own head so I went and had a shower. Talked, cried to/at God. Water. Equate washing with forgiveness? Vastly ashamed at myself. Maybe sometimes I beat myself up over things, there is I think an appropriate time for recogintion however. There is also an appropriate time to 'mask up'. The others didn't need to know my headspace. So I got out of the shower 'normal'. Just before bed Jess D asked me if I was (as in previously) angry at her. I was glad to be able to truthfully say no. She left the conversation there and changed topic immediately which is not normal for Jess. She had, had quite a bit more than the others. I worry about her escapism tecniques sometimes. Bed. I was not weighed down by earlier thoughts. If grace had arms I know where they would be. Sunday morning. I left the house alonge to walk on the beach. I needed it. I surprisingly got very little thinking done. I relaxed infront of beautiful, not the beautiful man claims to have created in casting assests in dollars and pride. Beauty how is should be. I spent the next hour or so in the lounge room that gets invaded brilliantly by the morning sun. Ate breakfast, good music and warmth. The others all woke up quite late. Blissful hours to enjoy. Morning was good until it came to money. Discussion for petrol. I miseed the immediate, but got caught in the backlash of complaints. I really hate sometimes being the 'there/patient(ha!)/compromise' person when all they should do is 'deal with it!'. Money is money. oh how my attitude to it has changed in the past few years. Weekend concluded with lunch at La Porchettas on the way home. Attitudes much improved. I am glad I had Sunday or I would deem the whole business as a flop. Funny the journies God takes us on. So much can fit into such a short time.

That's that - hello 2006

Dear Rebecca, I write to confirm that our office has received your email wishing to take up your Bachelor of Interactive Media course (A365) in 2006 as a Commonwealth Supported student on our Burwood campus. Our office will send you out information mid January 2006 regarding date, time and venue for Enrolment. Please do not hesitate to contact me if you require further information. Regards, Jan

Maybe why

So I go to 'backup' this blog. i.e. copy into Word as I haven't in a while. Out of curiousity I decide to word count the lot from when I started. The blogger feature of word counting still seem's broken or non-visible or something. So, including titles and dates (so take of several hundred I guess) I came up with the following number: 89,614 Quite terrifying. No wonder my RSI is so bad. And to think I was going to print myself a hard copy... This makes November's Nanowrimo look almost easy. I write 15,000 (roughly) a month now - that is only the stuff that goes into the blog and there is still stuff from my journal that doesn't make it in here! :o

Golden

There was a long winded journal entry which - if it wasn't late I might have put up. To summarise very quickly is almost impossible, it took me over two hours to get down most of what I wanted to. The weekend although a time for relaxing did not stop the ticker tape in my brain from running marathons. Not all of it was a walk along the beach. God didn't waste my time, although I think I've wasted some of his. (Hey stop that! cries my theology indoctrinated mind - God stands outside of time remember?) Whatever the case it was hard and good and hard and good some more. Saturday without Sunday would have been a complete flop. This morning was exceptional. Although with a fair amount of differences, Switchfoot can aide some of my headspace of Saturday night by expressing mind through song. I am a non musical being who is lazy enough to let others write my own poetry. Funny song, I stumbled across it this morning - well after my thoughts went four-wheel driving and God intervened. Golden - Switchfoot She's alone tonight, With a bitter cup and, She's undone tonight, She's all used up, She's been staring down the demons, Who've been screaming she's just another so and so, Another so and so You are golden, You are golden, Child You are golden, (Don't let go,) (Don't let go tonight) There's a fear that burns, Like trash inside And you're ashamed of the curse, That burns your eyes You've been hiding in your bedroom, Hoping this isn't not how the story has to go It's not the way it goes, It's your book now, You're, Golden, You are golden, Child You are golden, (Don't let go,) (Don't let go tonight) You're a lonely soul, Inlet of broken hearts You're far from home, It's a perfect place to start Yeah Burn Burn, Burn! So this final verse, Is a contradiction And the more we learn, The less we know We've been talkin' about a feeling, We both know inside but couldn't find the words I couldn't write this verse, I've seldom been so sure, About anything before Golden, You are Golden, Child You are Golden, (Don't let go,) (Don't let go tonight) This world is a dead man down (Golden, you are,) Every breath is a singing crown away, (Golden, Child, you are,) Like some debilitated king, (Golden, don't let go,) Don't let go tonight Earth Spins and your mind goes round' (Golden, you are,) Green comes on the frozen ground, (Golden, Child, you are,) And everything will be made new again, (Golden,) Like freedom and spring, (Golden, Golden,) Hey, like freedom and spring, (Golden, you are, hey,) Like freedom and spring (Golden, Child, you are,) (Gold...)

I like this

"If you take the trouble you can give people something to think about." - Brian Penton

Abstraction

Hideous RSI. Right arm, from shoulder to wrist to my fingers. Perhaps a little (or a lot of) overexaggeration, but I'm never too impressed when it flares up. Work today. Fairly satisfactory despite being rather quiet. I didn't have anything much set to do, so I stuffed around with the RO website. Then took myself on the painful journey of working through a tutorial to create a Mambo template from scratch, yes I gave in to 'reading the rules'. I was dissapointed when I couldn't see it in the admin panel (as you would be) technically the whole thing took less time than re-downloading Dreamweaver so not that bad. However I tried - as a last resort going through a template selection module (which you just dump onto the site somewhere) and it was there! Really strange. I hate it when it looks okay in one area but you can't get to where it is actually useful. Oh well, a small triumph - how productive it acutally was erm well yes. I probably wont use it. I had to prove to myself I could. Familiarising myself with more of SQL and coding (desipite nice shortcut buttons, hooray for plugins) can only be somewhat helpful. Went with Col (my sort of other boss) to drop some dishes back at a catering place. GAS somewhere in South Melbourne. Small but VERY nice. The weather was superb and I later had nice strollish walk (just not quite as fast as I normally go) down to Villagio to hand back even more platters. The woman there had customer service down to a tee. Nice people give nice comments (There's one foul generalisation for you). The train. Could I say now that LOVE Connex (sorry for the love word Sam). Lilydale line now stops at Spencer Street. No more swapping trains for me :D Less excercise I suppose - no more running up and down the stairs at Flagstaff, but I can deal with that! I am reading 'My Name is Asher Lev'. Which I have read before. It is by Chaim Potok. We studied another of his in Yr.12 (The Chosen). I much prefer this one. It is a fairly dark kind of book, a personality being built and shaped. About a Jewish boy and his facination and pursuit of art, cultural and religious barriers. It does not have the best (as in the happiest) of endings. I remember feeling quite disturbed after finishing it the last time. The book itself - is that good, you forget the world of the literary and get lost in the emphasis and the facination of colour and line and the bruised mind of Asher. I do not know if the Brooklyn Crucifiction (the painting mentioned near the end of the book) is real or not, I shall finish reading and then go and investigate - that and other such characters. Speaking about 'the literary'. I was sitting on the train and had put the book down briefly to 'check out' (haha) the guy opposite me. Just in the fact that he was an interesting character. He had a felt hat on, very nice clothes and a MAKE POVERTY HISTORY band (not one of the standard rubber ones) on. Anyway. His clothing didn't entirely bear testament to the statement of "make pov..." I'm really not a good judge at what is expensive in fashion, however his tie was rather suave (:p I like that word). Mind you I did consider the fact that the mph campain is about awareness. It did have me curious. At the same time as this judging (perhaps you could call it that) - I was thinking about myself and where I am with that. No I do not have a band. I did scam some postcards from an Oxfam shop while in Adelaide. I have been after getting a band. Two things holding me up - a) they are miles too big, I have to find an extra small one from somewhere (however pathetic that sounds) b) I'm not sure if I can be satisfied in merely being part of an awareness fashion trend and not really doing anythign about it. Now, the literary aspect was entirely this massive desire to describe him and get thoughts down on what was going through my head. I will not type what I did write out as I seem to have covered the situation already. Something that must have somehow reached my very dead brain in Lifeskills yesterday was the, 'What makes you feel alive' question. I was in the bath tonight, with Norah Jones playing (definitely bath music) and thinking about next year and uni. I got thouroughly indecisive about course choices again - right when I thought it was worked out. Interactive Media would be useful, I am I guess somewhat skilled in that area. I enjoy it. I like making things fit and work. I get a thrill of getting something to look just right and work well. Arts/Health would allow me to touch on the psychology that has always facinated me (that being people). I can do photography in either - that is no issue. I cannot however seemingly do writing as I would like to do it (Professional and Creative) unless I am specifically in that course. I think I nearly cried on the open day I found that out :\ what a pain. I feel alive when I write. I did not list that course on my preferences as it is 'too hard to make a living from'. What a fool. Silly girl. I will bend over backwards and beg to do some stuff on that. I will pull strings and if Deakin decides to be unhelpful I'll work something out. It is strange. I've had plenty of 'crazes and fazes'. A vast number of hobbies as I was growing up. Skills that I attempted to force (such as various sports and music) and a few talents that I found I actually posessed. I used to draw a fair bit - I was quite good (not now). I could not however go beyond the realistic, I would draw from photos and not my imagination. If I took up art again I would I think find myself in a postion of abstract. Life has become infinitely more complicated since I was twelve. If anything, photos do reality justice by excluding the greater world and framing the specific. I find myself drawn much more to the Picasso style art now than the Tom Roberts of yesterday. As to realism and writing. I have found I do write better from observation/experience or for example, those emotions or expressions that you can translate from one familiar situation to a foreign one. Imagination is freer with writing than with art. You play with words and not paint - actually no, that's just a bit strange. Unique ideas do take time to apear. I need people like the man I saw today to trigger inspiration. That saying, I shouldn't be too worried what uni course I get into, experience in every realm is useful. I'd prefer to write from life and so I must continue living it regardless of where I am. My, what a lot of rambling tonight has been. I was going to talk about my Grandparents dropping in for a visit - with a somehow related (but not really) older guy, Warren. And some comment my Grandma said about when his wife died, his niece would describe him as being like a lost puppy... and so my mind went off on a tangent. My Grandpa has Altzhemers. My Opa died of it. He's getting worse slowly. He has a specific smell, I always smell him when I hug him - like really smell him. They are moving at the start of next year. Their house is another of those places I know as home. I will miss what memories I have tied to the carpet, the pictures on the walls, the staircase, the plaque in the garden... Grandma bought choc-chip cookies :D Such a Grandma thing. She's incredibly patient with him. It was her birthday yesterday. He forgot. Well. Unless I make it on here sometime early tomorrow afternoon, this shall remain empty for a few days. Until then.

Comings and goings

Well, I got online (having gotten home at 10:10pm)specifically because I wanted to blog. My shoulder is too sore to journal, hence typing the better option. I am quite awake. I think I have reverted back to being a bit of a caffine addict (not good). I haven't had coffee in a while, it has been tea. Tea has more caffine right? This is so that I am not as fixated on coffee (which I have to admit often smells better than it tastes) - which I do tend to drink when I'm feeling 'low', and I wanted to reduce caffine intake. Logic being, no coffee = less caffine. It sure doesn't work that way. Had two cups of tabor tea in the space of about two hours(the coffee is crap, even if you buy it and if you have coffee it needs milk which I'd rather not steal of the poor very suspecting boarders). Tea is OK black. I have been half dead all day. I woke up wide awake - if you know that feeling? Was practically, "Ready to conquer the world" to quote Jane. By the time we had driven to Tabor I was as flat and dead as if I'd had only 4hours sleep. In reality I went to bed early last night 12:30 or so. I didn't have anything remotely caffine related over breakfast. Do you think I have a problem? Returning back to this evening however, Had the famous Caf's chicken burrito for tea. I'm pretty friendly with Katie (not YITS Katie), so it's become a bit of a standard - things like she knows I have no tomato but still the salsa (a little strange). I'm going to miss Katie. Evening class with Warwick. We spent the entirety on Community which was very interesting. Some stuff around Acts 2:42-47. A comment on Pre-1950's life that's community pretty much reflected what I grew up with re: missionary community. Spent some time talking to Anna (the only non-yits female doing youth min.) Been slowly getting to know her. I confess I'm fractionally annoyed that yits'ers and non-yitsers of that class: Anna and four other guys are a bit seperated. So there was stuff on individualism and our society which I did want to explore tonight in more depth, but I'm a bit stuffed so it can wait. It did bring thoughts I've been having lately about really wanting to move out. It is not feasable financially and uh, driving wise at the moment. But I would really like to live with a group of people before I am stuck doing the 'live at home until married' thing. That would be missing a massive part of life that I would like to experience. It's not that I haven't intended not to move out before. I would LOVE to move out, I would I think, thrive. But yes, there is more to do than just serve your own 'I need my own space' needs by chopping a few apron strings. Right, moving backwards in the day. Group Focus was a bit different in the fact that we split the Yellow and Red girls and half the guys, so that Red could go to visit Urban Seed in the city. I however am in Yellow so get to experience that next week. Our small group (we somehow ended up with only a few) did 'Foot Mandala's' with Dee someone or other and Tilla. A little hard to explain without it sounding wierd. I was a bit 'Right...? What's with this, this seems just a bit strange.' I am very against anything remotely new-ageish as mmm that kind of stuff just feaks me out. Basically draw your foot in a circle. Then go mad with paint/pastels/textas/anything... and draw your journey thus far. Then you talk later about symbolic stuff or um stuff that Dee ask's qu's about (into art therapy) which was quite insightful for some. Anyway, below is mine (click for bigger) I can't be too bothered explaining it as I don't fully know if much of it has meaning. There is obvious stuff in there re: Solomons. My structured/planning deal went out the window and I just started drawing random stuff and freaking myself out by using a lot of different colour - where I would normally just stick to a few. So in that it was a good 'be spontaneous' excercise for someone who just isn't. It still however turned out looking like it somehow fits, which surprised me. Many of the issues I maybe tried to depect have already been worked through a fair bit, some still an ongoing thing perhaps, but yes. And that was my day, aside from a lifeskills class about your 'calling' and developing a personal mission/vision statement all relating to an assignment due in a few weeks. I was mostly asleep so I dont know how much sunk in - sorry Rowan (although you don't really read this). No... that was not my day. Being in yellow I am split from the majority of people I hang around with more: Katie, Jo, Jess, Sam, Alecia and Dave and Tom and... well yes. Hence I got to have some conversations I might normally not. I didn't hang around with Elyce as I thought I might, instead I had a chat to Jess C - which was alright, she's a fairly guarded person, which I confess does open the opportunity for asking probing questions which I do like to do. I also had a good talk to Kat. First part was just about stuff, some of which came up today during foot mandalas which clarified a heap to me about her mood yesterday. Secondly I possibly infringed on an area Jess and Kat's miscommunication (which is something I spot in people miles away)around doing a 'yearbook thing'. I treated the situation carefully without incriminating Jess, but didn't however run it past Jess first - which I knew wasn't good as soon as I opened my mouth. Stupid Bec. Jess was a tad cranky. I think I possibly clarified things in Kat - hey it made her talk to Jess about it. but yes. Not smart of me. That's me sticking my nose in where it doesn't belong. Maybe I shouldn't try solve the world's problems. Something Jess said the other day, walks into my room. "Sometimes Bec, I can't imagine what kind of guy you'll marry." I am not unused to those comments. Never entirely helpful to get them. I've given up trying to explain what I do not know and so just raise my eyebrows at her. I have not really worked it out myself so I don't attempt to continue the conversation. Hmm anyway. Goodnight all. Work tomorrow and then Friday free!!!!!!! Ahhhh :D Morning tea with the lovely Sam, then to pack my bags, head to YITS family and friends night, and then down to Rye. I need this weekend to stop.

Expectation

NT was a bit different today. Matt did a good job this morning going through 1 Corinthians. Kat's outburst at the 'women submitting' point was rather predictable :P The difference however came in the afternoon. Instead of a lot of um well New Testament stuff, they had set up various stations to promt thought/worship/prayer. From bit's of playdough (God the shaper), to finding a leaf to represent you/God/rest, to area's for reflecting on your journey/relationship with God. The few that stood out to me, was the area with the clocks and thinking about time and rest. Simply because I do not know how to stop very well, furthermore I do not know how to 'play' very well. I find it relatively difficult to relax. The last areas I went to, both for prayer and listening to God were also very good. They had paper there. If Mark's comment about it looking like an essay is anything to go by... One of the points was looking at expectations that pressure you (this is how I understood it), this back-reflected the playdough point where there was some text about being in a 'niche between acceptance and expecation'. I was walking through my mind seeing if I dragged myself under the crutch of anyone's expectations and came to the conclusion that if I am, they are my own, or my percieved expectations of God for me. Just to clarify, I'm not condemning expectations as a whole, because they can be useful when correctly used and are good points of reference for self development or achieving goals. Expecations are however not always healthy, as the drive can deprive you of learning through the process of actually reaching something, they can be unrealistic, and condemning. The dictionary refers to expectation (one part) as: 1. Something expected: a result that did not live up to expectations. 2. expectations Prospects, especially of success or gain. I was not thinking too much about personal expectations for myself - that have dragged me down or lead to burnout, more so about what I percieve as 'God's expectations for me'. Re: the above clarification. Unhelpful expections. I came to a short (maybe a little tentative) understanding, that God simply does not have particular (driving) expectations for us as he stands outside of time and knows everything already. It could be vastly different for other people, but it is relatively important for me to actually stop, to rest and to comprehend that I have been created by God and that is simply enough. I cannot earn God's favor or any extra of his love. I do not know how clear I have been on this. My often misunderstood expections of myself from a 'God point of view' (yeh right) contribute to the drive to 'be better', 'do more', 'challenge self'. I am continually on a self analysis, whether I am entirely aware of it or not. This is not to say it hasn't improved. I think of late, this is actually why I've had a little of the 'lost' feeling. As in, that I cannot see anything immediate to redeem. It sounds prideful almost - I don't exactly mean it in that way. I like to work on character building and yes, I suppose changing myself. I can tend to get legalistic about it. The 'lost' aspect has come, perhaps in realising (probably for the millionth time) that what I am doing is far from being very important. I have had been yet again redirected back to God and away from myself. God does the making and changing - without my specific input. I lose my way on the track of jungle of being moralistic or self righteous or something, and now I have nothing much to do! Correction: I do have stuff to do, but it is in looking at God and who he is. Much of today tied back to the 'rest' thing. How I do not allow God leeway because it is always challenge and push forward. There is to an extent nothing wrong with it, but when it comes to taking my eyes off the ultimate point - well. There is everything wrong with it. It seems I am continually being slapped in the face to this stuff. Despite it, I am very grateful. It is better, even if I don't know exactly what to do, and haven't quite filled this spare area in my head.

Insanity

Tom has managed to coerce, Dave, Tilla and myself (I know not of any others as yet) to join him and thousands of others at Nanowrimo, which results in an excruciating (maybe) aim for a deadline. Write a 50,000 word novel/story in the month of November. I warned him that it will be a halfhearted attempt as it is the last month of College, I have a massive assignment for youth ministry due, and our end of year camp. We shall see. (In exchange, Dave and I have made a pact to not allow Tom to exclude himself. Tilla is joining on the basis that she can create a 'no writing on camp' ban and feel the pain along with the rest of us - that and she probably wants to write :)) As for story ideas... hmm well yes. (Got FreeMind btw Tom, haven't looked yet) It's been a long time since I've done any creative writing, aside from a few stories last year for various SAC's. I think it could be quite fun. I somehow have to work out how to squash the perfectionist in me and not allow myself to get majorly frustrated by not meeting a goal (is that giving up before I even try?). Anyway, not entirely sure what I've gotten myself in for :S? username: moresaidlessdone (Bee was taken, so what if I use a spoof!) if you want to watch word count, alternatively you could actually join up and try it for yourself. I have decided to cut back my late nights on msn and etc... nowish not for this, but for sensibilities sake. Muchly sorry to those I have very good late night conversations with, but these are hardly healthy sleeping habits. Kick me off by 11pm!

Hard Questions

Conversation over dinner was rather animated, it got fairly silly for some reason. Hannah: "Everyone shutup! I've got my hand up." (we just laughed at her) Emily: "I'm seeing if I can get a reaction" (Emily poking me with a butter knife) Mum: "She is human you know" *?* hello to my strange family. --------------------------------- Today. Stephen Said/T... whatever the other guy's name is (Troy?)did the 'special ministry topic'. Discussion etc. at first. It was interesting. All of it was a bit relevant after last night. Romans 12 made yet another apperance (?) I find both of their teaching style a little too full on, which is good for me, but sometimes it would be nice to be able to have things so that you could process them easier. In reality today all that I remember is talk about Pharasies (sp? is off) and the task to 'meditate' on the following this week:

"Seek first the kingdom of God and his 'justice'" (Matt 6:33)

Which means, if you don't mind, I will attempt to have conversations with some of you about it this week. Spent a fair bit of time with Katie. Was good. She challenged me by asking some hard questions - I wasn't overly equipped to answer them (for that I'm sorry Katie), some perhaps didn't deserve answers I might/did attempt. I was going through Daniel 2:1-13 which is about King Nebuc. getting cranky at the wisemen who can't tell him and interpret his dream. "I want to know what it means" - stood out to me. It was an interesting passage to work out what on earth it could be challenging me on. That perhaps it's okay as the 'wise men', as humans, not have the answers to everything and that we certainly cannot know how to answer without God's help. Also, when it is myself that has the questions, that taking them to God first and not to human wisdom is the better port of call. Not to say that God cannot speak though people. Anyhoo, very interesting re: today. Lunch/breaks spent time on the grass in the sun with mostly everyone. Afternoon class. I wasn't really entirely in the mood for Warwick today - how ever bad that sounds. A lot about 'the vine'. Which is a bit interesting in what God has told me through that passage over the years. Noteably probably one of the first times I heard God when I was about 12. Amusing, lead up week with a heap of little things 'biblical passages' I guess being enacted out in a literal kind of way. Shall we say, I got 'stabbed' by a vine thingo :P That and the fruits of the Spirit thing has been biggish earlier this year. A good day all up. ...aside from Centre Link's kind notification of the cancellation of my Youth Allowance because I didn't reply to some letter (of which I never even got). Botheration, now I have to call them. oh btw. (yits people) I LOST

When you can't do a damn thing

Half an hour and this has stayed blank. I am ashamed and frustrated that I came online looking for someone to talk to when I didn't have the words anyway. I went to God - half heartedly at first. I opened the Bible and all I could find was revenge and anger and powerful God and I came away discouraged. I sat with various windows open, msn set on offline - I looked at the names and drew lines through who I didn't want to talk to. I am messed up inside, this world is full of a lot of shit that we can't do a bloody thing about. I saw Hotel Rawanda tonight. I didn't cry, I should have cried. Jess dropped us home and she hung around downloading stupid music, I just wanted her to leave. I had shower after I 'set it up' for her. It wasn't crying, it was disgusted ashamed shock, that drove too close to home. "How can people be so cruel". It wasn't a crying, a 'that was so sad'. It wasn't sad, it was terrible it was horrific it went beyond sad. The gunshots, the rubbishbins and the road blocks reminded me of the Solomons - yes in far greater abundance. What hurt more was the resembling nature of two situations- one lot of people jealous over the other 'tribe' of people fighting and it out for control. The bribery, the deceipt, the corrupt nature of human beings. The machetes, the guns. Black faces. No, I never saw anything so horrible in person but the undertones were the same. How I at 15 was so wrapped up in my stupid 'security' in the world revolves around us, the whites are the target - what bull. Sure seen as 'richer' and hence 'more to take'. I didn't hardly give a thought to the Malaitans, the Guadacanal people that got caught in the crossfire of a stupid cultural dispute. I know now I couldn't have done anything to make a difference, that isn't the point. I hardly ever even prayed for them. It was always for our saftey, for, 'Oh please let us don't be evactuated'. and how pitiful one small Pacific Island's problems seem in comparison to a genocide. What a selfish world. I would have been 8 when it happened. 20 mins of sitting and I worked out what a fool I was. I got off. I went back to God. I didn't want to open a Bible again. I was shown to Psalm 12. I missed last monday's class - where the task, 'to erradicate some form of injustice in the world'. I haven't done so. I have seen it in abundance, and I don't know what the hell I can do about any of it.

Second fiddle

Well, the mango annoyance has resulted in a fully fledged very normal feeling sore throat, which leads me to think that it might not have just been an allergy (mind you yesterday's just felt really strange). Church today, Vineyard. I wasn't too keen on going. I have these major doubt swings for a yes/no deal as to whether I should be there. It was however really good. Music wise, I'd heard only one of the songs, the others I wish I'd heard earlier, good focus. The sermon was well done. Curiously relevant to some of the passages that have come up in YITS lately. The following stuck out to me.

Romans 12:4-13 ...If you preach, just preach God's Message, nothing else; 7if you help, just help, don't take over; if you teach, stick to your teaching; 8if you give encouraging guidance, be careful that you don't get bossy; if you're put in charge, don't manipulate; if you're called to give aid to people in distress, keep your eyes open and be quick to respond; if you work with the disadvantaged, don't let yourself get irritated with them or depressed by them. Keep a smile on your face. 9Love from the center of who you are; don't fake it. Run for dear life from evil; hold on for dear life to good. 10Be good friends who love deeply; practice playing second fiddle. 11Don't burn out; keep yourselves fueled and aflame. Be alert servants of the Master, 12cheerfully expectant. Don't quit in hard times; pray all the harder. 13Help needy Christians; be inventive in hospitality.

Tonight I am off to Reinhard's (Acidoz for those who know him only by the gush name) place with Laura, and Jess W to watch Hotel Rwanda. A bit of an impromtu doing that came out of yesterday. Should be good. Haha shall be strange for him having three girls crash his place... not that Connie doesn't know us :P Anyway. I have spent way too much time online today. This is boring post even I know that. Have had a cinnamon toast fettish all day (I think cinnamon toast is some of the American influence on my life... Australians hardly ever have it). Might go find something to eat for tea.

Promised photos

Okay, Well it is Sunday afternoon and I said I'd put some photos up (from when I was away) so here are a few, there are more over on the photo blog slowly more will get up there. The lady with the very red hair is Wendy (whom we stayed with in Adelaide) Click on the images for a better look. Wendy and all of us (Emily, Dad, Wendy,Laura, Hannah, Myself)bar Mum, who looked around the town of Birdswood while we went to the Australian National Motor Museum. Dad and I midway through the 14km walk thing. The top of Rawnsely's Bluff. Dad told me he was self concious about looking like a park ranger :P Emily and I in the Woolshed Cafe. I was entirely stuffed (this is after Rawnsely's Bluff) And if you ever wanted to know where I work (what it) looks like, this is it. Some park in Adelaide. Um, that'll do for now.

Feeding the fish, the mind and the bookself

Okay. A few things, some of which have just been fragments of uh, um thought I supose that I'll dump here, some about the day, and some that might come to me as I write. First. Tonight I pulled out the bit of yellow paper that had 'Lecto Divina' info on it from last week's New Testament Class. To be honest I don't know if I fully get it; what to use it with?, or how entirely it is meant to be different - whether it's just a fancy name for some good things to think about while reading the Bible, or more, who knows? Whatever the case, I thought I'd find it half useful as I have been entirely slack in reading the Bible, and when I do, I usually do it with no structure in mind. I sometimes start books but then get sick of them. I continually find myself returning to Psalms because it is 'easier'. Talked to God first about it (the reading thing), motivation and getting stuff out of it etc... and what He wants me to read. Randomly thought of the book of Daniel, so that's where I went. It worked really well. The frustrating thing for me about Lecto Divina is the fact that you end up reading the passage about four times all up. I don't particularly like this kind of repitition and get bored with the same thing over and over. However this does mean, you get to know what you are reading very well and I guess in the long run, get more out of it. Basically it's: Read the text twice: what words/phrases stand out to you? Read the text again: How does the text make you feel? Who do you relate too most? Read the text again: What is Jesus saying to you now? So, I did all of chapter 1 as you sort of need the whole chunk or it's all background on various kings overthrowing other various kings (Well, :) maybe that's just the first sentence or two). Words that stuck out to me were, resolved (to do/be obedient to God through obeying the law) permission (how Daniel and co didn't outright disobey human authority but asked first, showed respect) and remained (faithfulness resulted in a position where God could use him). I don't quite know at this point whether you are just meant to see what words stick out to you and stop there, but I generally just stick to conventions until they start to limit, so thoughts did extend beyond the identification of a word. How the text made me feel: well along the lines of 'impressed' at Daniel/other's strength at potentially having come from poor-average lifestyle into this royal court and totally ignoring the food and opting for the veggies. Impressed also at the courage in asking, in Daniel's leadership of the other guys. A recognition that more isn't always better, except that's not really the point of the 'story' it's more about obedience to God. Relating to what character? This was a bit difficult, decided one of the 'others' in that willing to go along with the obedient stuff, but maybe not the vocal/proactive one. Which is kind of sucky, but I guess more true. I had a bit to write (in my actual journal) about what I'm being told. Faithfulness/obedience are important even when you are in a less than desireable situation, God's got a reason for you to be there even if you don't know exactly why. I found it interesting that I got this when I guess I do have a bit of change coming up, with yits finishing, job finishing, uni starting - not just the future stuff, even um with gush - being 'in charge' for a little while. The 'experience' was a positive one. I'm a bit annoyed that I can actually call it an experience, I've been that slack these past few months. Prayer please to continue reading, however that happens to eventuate or play out. alright... Observation while 'reading over someone's shoulder' (the back of the magazine infront of me on the train). They are making The DaVinci Code into a movie. I am not entirely impressed, it should stay a book. I will possibly go see it, however I think that it might freak me out a bit. Slept until 9ish, when Laura woke me up. We had a 'text and traditions' (class) reunion :P without Mr.Youl - so Jess W, Laura, Reihnard and myself met for coffee (I being the only one who actually had coffee) up at Morrisons. Mine was free - being the frequent customer I am. Hooray for coffee cards! Had a decent catchup. Reihn, has met anotherpint (through uni) - always interesting to find out stuff like that. Um, we then wandered to the Fire Brigade's garage sale, where I bought 5 books all of which I've never heard of before. $2.50 for the lot. They are in fairly good condition. I am pleased. Mum only had one of them (I found out later). Always dangerous buying books without her around, our house has so many books. My bookshelf is now way too small. I have about 20 piled up around it on the floor. For lunch, we (All of family bar Em, who was working) drove to my cousin's place for lunch. My aunty Bronwyn is one of those people who makes three deserts instead of one, and um there were about five different lunch choices. She cooks brilliantly. I did however make the mistake of having some of the gourmet chicken salad that had mango in it (I did avoid the mango) but some must have still gotten to me, my throat has felt strangeish all afternoon (and still). A bit like when you burn your tongue - the fuzzy feeling, but all down my throat. I did know previously that I was a bit allergic to mangoes, I won't be having that again. It's not particualry sore, just annoying - a bit scratchy. My uncle Paul keeps these 'semi tropical' fish. The yellow one's have had babies, minute fish are cool. It reminded me of the tropical tank we had in the Solomons in 2001. Being in the correct environment (ah, I miss snorkelling over there :) we got a stack of fish - mostly for free from an exporting place. Clownfish, Blue Tangs etc... and stole starfish, hermit crabs and salt water off the beach. So expensive to keep something like that running in Melbourne. My goldfish don't get much attention as is, but they still survive. Probably more suited to my, 'I no longer really care about fish' attitude. The main reason I went this afternoon was to see Naomi (my youngest cousin) she's 10. Rather than stay home doing what homework sort of needed to be done. She sort of idolises me (or likes me more than the others for some reason), I often miss going to see them. She has this thing, where she likes 'having her hair done by me'. She, got a camera, after being entralled by playing with our old one (I think perhaps my influence, haha). She's got this amazing ability to stick something out. She's not into the more exclusively 'non-skill' related stuff of most ten year olds. She's done things like taken the incentive to learn to play piano. I promised her ages ago when I get my licence (slack me), that I'll take her out for 'coffee and stuff' - I guess hey, if I can be a good influence, I'll gladly take that responsibility. If say, a 'mentoring' position thing - yeah um I think that might be something God wants me to do. I was a little concerned when I walked in and first saw Lauren. She's 13/14. Yes going through that 'growing' stage, but she's oh so thin :\ I thought Hannah was bad at one stage, but I think yeh. mmm. Nathan was as always, it's hard to believe he'll be 13 soon, he's still such a little boy. random quote I just got given:

Knowledge and personality make doubt possible, but knowledge is also the cure of doubt; and when we get a full and adequate sense of personality we are lifted into a region where doubt is almost impossible, for no man can know himself as he is, and all fullness of his nature, without also knowing God. T. T. Munger

Um... what else was I going to say about stuff. That's right, Dave, I made a poster for the Tabor event. You didn't send through that background graphic so I did something entirely different (purposefully to work in black and white, so we can cut down printing costs even more) I'll bring it Monday for you to see. Still happy to use yours as well. I have put 'draft info' on it, as I don't know complete details. I think I'm at the point now where I can face the realities of doing the 'admin stuff' again for this stupid event. Gotten my head around some things. I will, I think tell people to get off their butts, and If I can I'll join you in those various meetings on Monday - get the bottom of this 'having to fundraise despite having a budget'. Anyway, that has just about exhausted the words for tonight. I was going to put a stack of photos up for general interest (ie: holiday ones) and such, which I may still do tonight, if not at a later date.

When you smile

October is the month the lower half of the calendar no longer weighs enough to keep it down. Hannah is 15 today. I shared breakfast with her - well I was eating, before leaving for work, she was sitting there with her long legs in her blue and white horizontally striped pyjama pants. Gave her a present, saw her open a few more and then left for work. I am dead tired, but I have to write as thoughts are demanding position on paper. On the train. My discman died about twenty seconds after I turned it on, it had been charging all night - I think it is either stuffed, or the rechargable's in it have gone. Not entirely impressed, but it gave me time to think and I had a good book. I watched people for a bit. I thought about the ones that I take note of/see more often. The medicare girl. The woman with one arm - she missed her train today, I saw her at the crossing as we pulled in. The younger guy who looks vaguely Jewish. The two guys who catch my tram going home, the guy who reminded me first of craig for some reason and now looks nothing like him - saw him with his girlfriend once ages ago, he looked unbeliveably happy, he's usually by himself (not such a strange thing for public transport) he doesn't smile an awful lot. The woman who I see almost every week, the one with the dark hair and open face, I can't pick her background, would have to be something European. The massively tall, kind of hippi'ish guy, the guy with the fringed bag, the big haired blonde with the stud/beauty spot, the girl with the purple fila bag who looks like a model one day and quite normal the next, the woman with the unusual hair... I could go on. Work was alright at first. At lunchtime I walked down the street to get a pie (seeing as they had run out of pizza rolls). I pass this lady. I must have a had a half smile or something on my face. Just as I pass her, she smiles - making me smile. Or maybe we did at the same time? I would have said it made my day perhaps. It did contribute to it. I've said it before, I'll say it again. I love those people who let you cross the road when they don't necessarily have to stop for you. Kindness in action. After lunch, Shannon and Rachel come to me with this pile of 'travel stuff'. (the closet of frustration). So I spent the majority of the afternoon just that, frustrated at attempting to match this with that, shuffling through the many pieces of paper that may or may not be in existence. The travel company had not been sending it's invoices correctly, and numerous other mistakes - all of which it was my task to find. Who would ever want to be an accountant? Needless to say, they are no longer MBO's travel company. I had a welcome if not a little surprising interuption at 3:30-4ish, aided by the chip I put in my mouth just as the phone rang. Sold a few more whiteboard markers ;) They put an MBO sign on the door today. If you've ever been to my work - well it's not the most well advertised place externally, a bit hard to find. The woman who put the sign up was ultra cheery (which reminds me, saw Mel today :) was good). After she left. Snooky was checking how straight. Shannon thought it was fine. The entire office (well those in) came out to look. They got paper/straight edges, it is a bit crooked, hardly, it would annoy me I think if I looked at it too much. They'll get it redone, hasn't been paid for yet. Something Snooky (Andrew S - everyone calls him Snooky) said today which made me further admire him as a person. Somehow someone - Shan I think came up with talking about 'The Notebook' and how it's a 'crying' sort of movie. Then um, Snooky comes in and says he's 'forbidden' his wife to watch it, as she 'does cry' and the addition of, she's 'cried too much in her life' (mm something like that). Yeh anyway despite the minor dispute that arose over 'letting her' (she doesn't actually want to see it) - I liked what he said. I'd think normally the 'indivudualist' in me would balk at it but maybe something about the 'protection' aspect of it appealed. The trip home. Was sitting on the train. Hear a little girls' voice making train observations - automatic look. I must have smiled or something. A business man smiled because he caught me smiling. I suddenly realised I knew (people with the kid)them from WPC (church) not too well though. Anyway, I found it funny as it was a 'double take' moment, so grinned. I was obviously still being 'watched' because business man smiled again - he obviously thought I was blissfully watching this kid or something... anyway, It took me a moment to get the grandma's name but I found it eventually and said hello. I think I might have fractionally dissapointed the business man, particularly as I had to say hello a couple of times to get her attention (looked like I was hello'ing a stranger :P). I found the whole thing remarkably funny, but by then I was talking to Rosalie (the grandma), Gwenda her daughter had a pram and baby who looked vastly different from last time, and Trachetta the little girl. The baby's name is Talisha or something (no joke, it's that close to the other name). L Station. I meet Jess W and Laura outside the fish and chip shop. We drive to Macca's, meet Analise, Jacqui and Jess D, to finalise Rye weekend away (ie: redoing schoolies, same people, same house, less stress).That's next weekend. I'm so over McDonalds. Home. I'm dead tired. Jess D comes in to use the loo before she heads up 'home' (the further away one) and stays to talk for half an hour. I did necessary stuff, like feed the dog, take out rubbish, and shower. Sat for an hour not doing anything because I was too stuffed to. I nearly fell asleep on the beanbag but Laura opened the door just as I had almost dropped off. And here I am now, thought dumping my day. Sam, not a clue why I was happy yesterday (honest) - sometimes I just am. Kathy B (my Deakin contact) emailed me back, she's passed the info along. I should get defferal/acceptance for course letter now. Hurrah, one less thing to worry about! Jo, thank you so much for that email :) (I disagree on the 'speech' was so good bit though :P I talked way too fast) As for why I blog, haha so many times I've tried to work that out. If you are so inclined I believe I had massive debates with (myself) early on - that are back in the archives somewhere. I've given up trying to fully know why. I blogged first as a personal challenge. It has now become a good way to think outloud, interaction is appreciated, I like others being able to give me insight and advice which I may or may not take. Someone said, they get stuff out of it/it makes them think. It's helpful for me, when something comes up that relys on background info so I don't have to restate stuff. And a good way to keep you in the loop when I continually fail to live up to any good memory status I have ever recieved about 'what's been happening this week' (ie. I need to say it on the spot or it doesn't get down). I enjoy the writing... Yes, shotgunned seat for Jo on Monday :) Use the gmail account for email. And um, what Jane did :) Coming over in the middle of class (when I was up the back, feeling sick and um rather sad about leaving yits stuff) And acting in a non sentimental way, a hug and just a 'sitting time' with me - sort of giving me exactly what I needed. She is 'one in-tune girl' (to quote Dave). Goodnight all. Smile more, I'm too tired to now.

High - James Blunt (lyrics)

This has been stuck in my head all day ever since Shannon started playing it early this morning. Sort of suits my mood. I like the song, but it has the potential to become one that you get VERY tired of. I honestly can't stand the 'Beautiful dawn' aspect (how it starts), but the um, I guess you'd call it 'chorus' (haha - so sadly oldschool) is rather um (erm lets use the word appealing again). Hence why I get home and download it (yeh legally) and keep hitting the play button - it's frustrating me, but strangely addictive. ahha I sound like such a freak. And no, I'm not in a soppy romantic mood and yes I am using brackets too much. Beautiful dawn - lights up the shore for me. There is nothing else in the world, I'd rather wake up and see (with you). Beautiful dawn - I'm just chasing time again. Thought I would die a lonely man, in endless night. But now I'm high; running wild among all the stars above. Sometimes it's hard to believe you remember me. Beautiful dawn - melt with the stars again. Do you remember the day when my journey began? Will you remember the end (of time)? Beautiful dawn - You're just blowing my mind again. Thought I was born to endless night, until you shine. High; running wild among all the stars above. Sometimes it's hard to believe you remember me. Will you be my shoulder when I'm grey and older? Promise me tomorrow starts with you, Getting high; running wild among all the stars above. Sometimes it's hard to believe you remember me.

Double take

I managed to bump into Jess (D) and Jordy (Her friend from tafe) this morning on the train. I was rather surprised as they aren't usually that early. Jordy was infront of me all the way from Lilydale and I didn't realise (I have met her before). I was in blissful oblivion perhaps? Insanely happy this morning - I don't know why, maybe something to do with yesterday. I was a little reluctant to leave it (this rare euphoria) to talk to them. But seeing Jess was great, had a good talk - as much of one as you can have on a train anyway. And the strangeness, I get on the train this afternoon and who should appear but Jess and Jordy again. What are the chances of that?! Another double of the day: Washed my hair twice in a row this evening. I do it occasionally. I entirely forget (yeh my mind goes even more haywire in strange places like the shower) until I dump the shampoo out. Or I am there doing the 'Have I, haven't I?" and usually give up and just do/redo it. I have a terrible memory for some things. Entirely blank. Anyway. Worked. Very receptionist type stuff, filing, photocopying, coffee, phones. I also found out I probably wont have a job there next year, due to Mel coming on full time (we semi jobshare). I don't mind too much. MBO has been a wonderful place to work, I scored a jackpot in it being a 'first job'. I confess wont mind the better pay and less travel time I can hopefully find elsewhere. Dad mentioned that school has a job opening shortly (ie: applications) for a 'graphics person' to do newsletters (that really aren't too bad) and other such things like school magazine. (Hey, guess who did the last one?! - mind you that was just Yr.12) They know me, and I have a very good foot in the door already. It's 3mins drive from home. I know the people. I like the place (yeah sort of :P). Plenty of creative licence. The idea of it is VERY appealing. The problem: 2 full days a week (maybe negoitable), and not knowing what's happening with uni timetabling etc... yet - I don't have much to go on regarding that. I'd also have to contest with those with maybe more training than me applying for the job although, that's less of a problem methinks. Anyway. We shall see. I'd probably better pray about it. (maybe you could too :) I really don't want another 'phoneish' job. MBO is fairly light on that, but zero in the phone department would be like a ladder down from being stuck on a roof for me. More later maybe.