untitled (un-abridged)

I slept in until 1:00pm today. I never do that. I should watch myself, maybe I"m more worn out than I think. Wrote my 5 Principles of Living essay. It's strange lately, I've had heaps of Solomons and PNG memories come back to me. Why? It's great, but why now? Is my mind, myself able to cope with them now I've sorted other stuff out? I don't know. God open my eyes as I look through stuff like these 5 principles and remember past stuff. Thank you for working in me then and for making me the person I am now. Continue your good work.

5 Principles of Living

Essay is done. Not too bad for a last minute kind of thing. I think the conclusion is pretty shoddy - sort of tacky, but oh well. It made me think through a fair bit of stuff and explore a lot of the old. ------------------------------------------------------ Introduction In discovering what my 5 Principles of Living are, I have explored my past experience, the struggles that I’ve had in life and how I have responded. There are areas in my life where I have recognised I have fallen short and have purposefully set out to grow from them. Values that I hold through Christianity and these periods of growth highlight the framework of who I am and point me in a definite direction of finding my Principles of Living. The resulting list: -Faithfulness and communication with God -Patience -Mastery -Purity -Respect and compassion Faithfulness and Communication with God This principle of living, Faithfulness and communication with God is the principle that I place most priority on. As, “Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your strength.” (Deut. 6:5) Is the first Biblical commandment, I would like to think that this is true for myself. Evidence of this in my own life has been my continual growth process of recognising that God should be the most important. My journey from a 10 year old not particularly wanting to join in with my sister’s ‘Bible club’ and my fierce independence in ‘finding’ God on my own been has illustrated Proverbs 3:5-6, “Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make your paths straight.” where God has placed incidents throughout my life where I could do no less than rely on him. An example of this in the past week, where I struggled in needing to talk to someone and God not only provided encouragement in several forms but literally set up the situation where I could talk to this person, a circumstance that would not normally occur. A large part of seeing God work in my own life has been through prayer. More recently I have had valued times of getting up on a Saturday morning and simply setting out to ‘do breakfast’ with God. This is my personal illustration of Mark 1:35 “Very early in the morning, while it was still dark, Jesus got up, left the house and went off to a solitary place, where he prayed.” And although it is neither very early, nor dark, I have taken myself aside and set apart time for God other than my normal late evening, often rushed effort. Through weekly, even daily examples of the small (sometimes large) things that God shows me, “[I] know therefore that the Lord [my] God is God; he is the faithful God, keeping his covenant of love to a thousand generations of those who love him and keep his commands.” (Deut. 7:9) Patience In looking at Patience as a principle of living, it is best to consider the issue of change, which has been significant in my life, as I have lived in multiple cultures. Satisfaction with who I am where I am has been a battle fought on and off. I’ve repeatedly used a change of scenery as leverage for altering myself. The desire to amend who I am, has inhibited me through racing ahead of the moment and forgetting to live in the now. I have grappled with wanting myself, and my responses to differ, becoming increasingly impatient with waiting for the future to happen. James 1:2-4 has become significant in my life, “Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything.” I have always been an impatient person an it appears that patience and perseverance are not standards in my life but rather areas that I have difficulty with, however I believe that God has instilled patience as a principle that I am continually called to live up to. Psalm 130:6 says, “My soul waits for the Lord and in his word I put my hope, more than the watchmen wait for the dawn.” I know that there is hope tied to waiting, where I once thought that change was the story of my life; looking back I would prefer to call it patience. Mastery I have long understood that, “Whatever you listen to and experience the most will shape what you believe and what you do.” (Lookadoo, 2001: 23) which is why I have identified Mastery as a principle of living. Romans 12:1-2 defines why mastery or, self-discipline/control is an important factor in my life, “Therefore, I urge you, brothers, in view of God's mercy, to offer your bodies as living sacrifices, holy and pleasing to God–this is your spiritual act of worship. Do not conform any longer to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God's will is–his good, pleasing and perfect will.” Identifying that my stubbornness can be reinterpreted as a quality has been eye opening. A practical example and a small attempt at this was a week that I took without music. It was difficult and I nearly gave up numerous times. Aside from some vague idea as to why, I had no reason to go through with it. Afterwards I discovered that the week was to, “Get some headspace, to stop letting songs do the thinking for me and make an effort to connect with God differently.” (Beimers, 2005) Mastery is biblical, it is defined as self-control - a fruit of the Spirit in Galatians 5:23. And encouraged in Ephesians 4:22-24, “You were taught, with regard to your former way of life, to put off your old self, which is being corrupted by its deceitful desires; to be made new in the attitude of your minds; and to put on the new self, created to be like God in true righteousness and holiness." For me, this principle of living requires determination through small challenges and results in affecting the way I think, live and act. Purity I have always placed immense value upon purity. As a principle of living, I want to be able to look back on this area (purity in relationships) as one that I have not drastically marred. “Chastity [purity] is more than what you don't do, it's what how you live your life. You believe in respect and dignity. You give love a chance. You do believe that sex is wonderful and powerful. You want to share that gift with your soul mate for a lifetime.” (Smith, n.d.) My reasons fall back to Ephesians 5:3, ”But among you there must not be even a hint of sexual immorality, or of any kind of impurity, or of greed, because these are improper for God's holy people.” And to Song of Solomon 2:7 “…do not arouse or awaken love until it so desires.” Practicality draws back to my decision to save sex until marriage, and the desire not to be someone who plays with relationships recklessly. I have never admired girls who go through boyfriends frequently and attempt to find their worth this way. I want God to be completely in control of this area of my life, and be obedient in this, “Above all else, guard your heart, for it is the wellspring of life.” (Prov. 4:23) I trust him completely to bring the right person into my life at the right time because, “It is a safe thing to trust Him to fulfill the desire which He creates” (Carmichael, 1987: 106) Respect and Compassion After a fair amount of deliberation in pinpointing a fifth important principle, I came up with Respect and compassion. This is an area in which I fall far short in, but has been very significant in the past few years. My involvement in the leadership of a Christian youth website www.gush.com.au and the resultant need to deal with others fairly, has challenged my bias for being exceptionally strong in voicing my own opinion and my low level tolerance on the other ‘stupid ideas’ that people can present. Dealing with conflict between others and being a third party led me to frequently consider Galatians 5:13-15 (see appendix). A request (to God) for compassion in the beginning of the year resulted in multiple situations in the following weeks that demanded no less than complete attention in that area. Living out Colossians 3:12-14, “Therefore, as God's chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience. … over all these virtues put on love, which binds them all together in perfect unity.” In a specific situation, (and generally), compassion has been one of the hardest things I have ever had to do. Continual affirmation of a girl who is going through an exceptionally difficult life affecting circumstance, is a choice I have to make repeatedly as there is the opportunity to let slide that relationship and leave her work through things on her own. Some might say that compassion is a feeling, for me it is coupled with choice. I do not find it easy, but in living out that choice I hope to make compassion every bit a feeling and a part of who I am. Conclusion Although there are many things that I would like to say are personal standards, these five stand out as those that greatly affect the way I live. In choosing principles and looking at the circumstances that have helped shape who I am, faithfulness, mastery, patience, compassion and purity are relevant to who I am now and rather than change the list as I change, I would like it to grow as I grow.

The struggle with genuine

I'm tossing up whether I should 'make this known' so to speak. Blogs are well, meant to have an audience. I tread a fine line sometimes in sharing too much. Can you share too much? An overshare? Reveal too much of the 'you' to the wrong or to any person? How much of my 'God conversation' (the stuff that ends up on paper) should be 'public' if at all? and how true is this to me? I write sometimes and after rereading (journal) stuff it does not sound like me. Fluff and bubble - embarassing writing, repitition. Then it makes me wonder - how much do I know myself. Those words have to come from somewhere. I would not want people to percieve me as someone not genuine. Because I use journal writing as time with God (interspersed with just thinking and stuff) - I don't want to give an 'over spiritual' idea of me- even by mentioning that here... :I stuff up eaisly. I am impatient person, who gets angry, frustrated, annoyed, jealous and can be pretty mean. I love God with my all - but it is not a perfect relationship my end, ha, I would like it to be. To be genuine, that's the challenge, that's why I haven't shared something like this before. I am afraid. Two sides to it- that I'll wear another mask 'a mock genuine', and the other side which I can never quite put my finger on. That longing I guess that we all have to be 'fully known' but too ashamed or whatever. To you who reads this. When, if I get the guts to share. Keep me accountable, challenge my thoughts, my words. I hope a little of me comes through, if it does not, what purpose has it served except to colour-in another beaming white mask eagerly waiting decoration.

Real unmerrited fear (un-abridged)

God, you're wonderful! I could leave it at that because there is nothign I could say to match a fraction of who you are but ot show myself how you came through for me, for records sake... Began the day, did not particularly want to get out of bed and I lay there thinking, half worrying and trying to give it to you - almost made myself late. 'It' being talking to Sara, Kat and Tilla. Anyway, was on the 'Caf' this morning and I knew that would be a good chance. I let Jo and Katie know - firstly because Kat was late and I was ho-humming in my head whether or not to bring it up if she wasn't around. Just before first break Jo gave me a note. Encouragement - I needed it. Caf duty. I talked to Kat first, she was in a bit of a rush - I don't know how well I said it to her, I think she got the gist (how lame that sounds) the conv. was cut short. I talked more indepth with Sara while we did dishes. She understood completely. Talked openly with her. I should have perhaps gone to Tilla first. Strangely she was the one I was most afraid of bringing it up with, I guess I was concerned that she wouldn't understand or run with my descision. Ah God, it's funny how you work things out so strategically. I ended up sitting next to her in Gathering with no other YITS'ers within earshot which is a bit unusual. Anyway, I spent Gathering psyching myself up. And it was fine. I think I got too concerned about this for my own good. I guess foresight told me that it could go horribly wrong. How much of that falls back to self-esteem and the need for other's respect?! Thank you for using Katie to tell me to talk and not write a letter, for Jo's note and both of their encouragement. God you made it work. You planned this day from start to end. Thank you. fear 1. A feeling of agitation and anxiety caused by the presence or imminence of danger. 2. A state or condition marked by this feeling 3. A feeling of disquiet or apprehension en·cour·age 1. To inspire with hope, courage, or confidence; hearten. cour·age 1. The state or quality of mind or spirit that enables one to face danger, fear, or vicissitudes with self-possession, confidence, and resolution; bravery.

Slow down (slightly-abridged)

Too much to think about, pray about, do etc... First, Psalm 57. Opened Bible tonight, read that and felt God saying to me - stop don't read any more tonight, just think about it. So I did, after a mini debate with myself: 'would God want me to stop and not read any more?' Simply put, the chapter is about crying out for God's help, his love, faithfulness and mm... to me, finding peace in him among the crazyness of the world, or in tonight's case - my mind. God is first, slow down and keep things in perspective. My big challenge for tomorrow and a concern for tonight is yet again based around these silly accountability groups. I am doing stuff with Katrina and Jo now and basically I need to talk to Sara and Kat to let them know what's going on and frankly I am semi freaked because I don't have a clue what to say. I do not want to offend them or yeah, put out a 'rejection' idea. I love them to bits. They are just not girls I normally hang around with. Deep down it feels a bit of a cop out. I should probably first go talk to Tilla. Ah dear, God I need the words and just a little (to understate) - a lot of courage. I am a wimp. Thank you God for Katrina and Jo. Abba, I've wanted friends, close friends for such a long time. Please Lord let this word. I want it so bad.... "Be exalted O God, above the heavens, let your glory be over all the earth" - Ps 57:11 And there, I have far less to think about than I thought. God you hold tomorrow just like you do every other day. Let me know your presence.

Lifestyle - thoughts on worship

3 posts today. A bit extravagent, but I've somehow been sitting on three (or more levels) at which God has shown me various stuff. Today has been not far short of mind blowing. After an indepth discussion on worship last night: Rebecca Other person ----------- ...'wow lets get pumped for God'.... its hard to explain... something just really dont go down well, in my head or what? style is a factor that plays a little too much into stuff. but I really dont enjoy it. zeals a thing I've kind of been weighing up lately... the whole abandon to God thing has always thrown up barriers to me... I mean Im ok when Im on my own. but that took me long enough to 'work up courage to even ask God' to change... 'being bored' with him... alone. I guess it's me finding a way I can love God with my heart, soul, strength, mind etc... and still be conservative bec, but not conservative, comfortable. passionate doesn't equal jumpy hyper etc you can be passionate and still "conservative" i think passion is internal, not about jumping etc but surely there is external expression... somehow but it will affect the way you speak and live but it doesn't mean you have to change your personality I know there is... like I've never been a huge, say 'crier' so to speak. and God will make me cry. when I'm on my own. etc... it sometimes feels the church world is pushing for that outward expression and leaves behind those not comfortable with it... outward is expression as you said is hardly evidence of passion. i guess what i was thinking is that if you're a quiet person, being passionate doesn't mean you have to become like... xxxx for example.... different personality but if you're fully sold out and passionate for God, then that passion will affect the way you live, the way you speak, etc although when you're at church and you really connect with God you will respond... whether that's physically or in your heart... it's about a lot more than that There was a lot more to it, and I've cut out heaps... Anyway, today God showed me Matthew 22:37 again: "Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind" He pointed out to me (I think, or my head did :) that no where did it stress the physical aspect of it: even the simplicity of raising hands or closing eyes. The importance and emphasis is on the, all your heart, soul and mind. Zeal doesn't have to be in our hype, those other factors are far more important. Worship is a lifestyle afterall (or should be). It's who you are and the way you live that count before God. Your worship must engage your spirit in the pursuit of truth. That's the kind of people the Father is out looking for: those who are simply and honestly themselves before him in their worship. John 4:23 (MSG) We need to each express our worship as suits us best, truthful to who we are in telling God how much we love him. Become genuine.

Calm before the storm (un-abridged)

I have a heap to write. Firstly, Anzac day. Haven't really done anything but it reminded me just before o fan Anzac dawn service that we went to in the Solomons, it must have been 4 years ago. Our motive - the free breakfast, ha! with real bacon and orange juice (luxuries). As it turned out I think I got ham and not bacon. I can remember being cold, excited and bored all at once. The trumpet - when it was blown funnily enough was the most moving part of the morning. The solemnity of a lone trumpet still gets to me and I'm guessing does the same to most. Mournful, lonely yet hopeful. We had the breakfast, it was for expats and held at the Yacht club. I had the camera with me and I remember walking out on the tiny jetty and looking at Savo (dormant volcano) and the water. I don't know if it was that particular morning, or another in the same place but there was this massive blue butterfly - the name escapes me now, just sitting on the water. Beautiful. I got a photo of that jetty, one which I later painted. It inspires me (now) to go and find the photo, it was a still, calm morning and the absence of people in that image reflects the peaceful nature of my world before it turned upsidedown and erupted with complications: the plans to return to Australia and the intricracies my brain created - all of which got into a ginormous mess and is only now begining to defragment. God you were there, I remember thanking you. The second thing, coming across an old journal of mine. But I need to do some more thinking before the words will come, for there is too much - ha, let's be dramatic and say: dark history. At least a smudge on my twelve year old self that has taken a very long time to heal.

Let it be (un-abridged)

A slightly disrupted day. I woke up around 9 with the intention of getting to my essay - later finding out its due next week, probably a good thing I hadn't done too much. Anyway, I badly wanted to do the breakfast thing with you God. Then nextdoor neighbour started his tractor so I ruled out using the verhanda and opted for the chair in the lounge. I nearly had breakfast ready when Geoff comes an dhe and dad sat down in the lounge. And so that time has been pushed back until now 1:30. Cleaned my room - stripped a lot of old stuff off the walls and rearranged desk seeing as my room is limited in what you can change. Decided I needed a bit of a change, go to back to more of a minimum. I destress by cleaning - rather if my room is clean I, ha, feel a lot less bothered for some reason. So now I am doing what I wanted to begin my day doing, absolutely nothing except relaxing, writing, praying, music. It's strange really - changing things. It's as if I am ever so slowly letting go fo what was before, less and less clinging to the past and though it will always have a sacred place inside me, it is because so much good came from it and not because I wish myself back to the way I used to be. There is much improved. I will alway smiss the Solomons and the many many fond memories I have of my friends who were more like family. I have left my heart too long over there and drawing it back hasn't been something quick and easy. Satistfaction with who I am, where I am has been a battle fought on and off - yet continuously, and it has been a way too effective in presenting it's lonely face in my present. God you hold teh past just as much as you do the future. You know how it affects teh way I live, how I respond and how I think. Don't exclude me from it God, because I don't want to lose that piece of me, but don't let it dictate me. Let it be and remain a memory. ..to muse, wonder and disect the past is drifiting through my own life on a shaky cloud platform, my words become the clouds and do not sound like me. This is honesty sheltered in mind words of someone who has spent too long dreaming.

Archived #4 - Change

Jan '05 I wish my world was paper thin, made of smells and beautiful even painful memories that I could revisit. God, I miss it so much, I miss what used to be. I miss my friends. Change is such a beautiful, terrible thing. It presents promise and the unknown and reflects the past. How does change differ from growth? Are both the inevitable, do both hurt? Why is change so desired and so hated? How does change both crush you and build you? Why is the template of our lives seeped in this mysterious happening, is it wanted, is it needed Lord? Why does change bring both hope and grief? How can we look back and be grateful for who we are now and at the same time look at now and wish we were back there? A question: can we travel life's journey without change affecting us so strongly? Do things have to change so we can grow? Why when the past is left behind you does it slip it's fingers back through cracks in your vulnerability? Why aren't we satisfied with stability nor appreciative of the disruptions. Help me to live God. .... Is change a process of regression when acknowledged?

Archived #3 - Missionary Kid

It's hard being an MK (missionary kid). Those times when you come home from being out at someone's place with whom you grew up with. Lonely. You wish you could walk back through thoses memories and savor them - relive them - escape back to the innocence, the simpleness of that life before. It's like you have lost something very wonderful. Others envy you for your interesting life, "All your experiences have bought you so close to God..." and you're like, No! ha! I'd give anything just to be 'normal'. How hard it is to leave. But then you know deep down that you'd never want anything else, never. What I wouldn't give to be back there again. Doing everything and savoring it that one bit more.

Archived #2 - A Conversation

Purely want to remember this one because it shows me just how patient God is in getting through to us and walking alongside us, willing us to understand.... ------------ You really don't know me that well I know, but you know me, isn't that enough? Why dont' you take a little time, show me your day, spend a few hours, more would be better, but for now... I'll get interuppted, sidetracked. I know. But you'll like it, being with me. We'll take some risks? I'll take some risks? Not by yourself, with me. Why? To let you know who I am. But you know me, isn't that enough? No. Friendship works two ways. If you know me, it will be better. I can hold you up because I know you better than you know you. Then why should I let you? Why do I need too? Because I care. If you know me just a little more... because friendship works both ways.

Archived #1 - Refuge

What I gained through drawing, I lost to music and books - now writing, thoughts, words, song, gush, music, praer and yes, books still. My refuges from teh stress of life. Perhaps that's why I don't draw anymore, maybe that's what we use our talents/hobbies for? De-stressing. A time, a moment to forget that you're fed up with whatever, whoever - a place of escape... a pity we don't focus on the prayer, talk to God, chat to God aspect of it more. You aren't going to resolve anything any way if you just shut out hte world for a little while. Pushing the problem to one side doesn't work, eventually you have to return to reality. Prayer is the best - focus on God, then the problem/issue. God is good!

Looking Back

I got incredibly excited today. I've been writing an essay on 'My 5 Principles of Living' and it's forced me to go back and explore some of the things I value, some of the lessons I've learnt. I am finally begining to see and utilize some of my percieved weaknesses as strengths. 2 Corinthians 8:12 - "For if the willingness is there, the gift is acceptable according to what one has, not according to what he does not have." I will post it when it is written. Anyway, this led me to go back and find some of my random scribblings from mid 2004, early 2005. I was just blown away at what stuff I put down, what I struggled with then and how I expressed it. A few in particular stood out to me, and for the matter of exploring where I've come from I'll put some up here, under: Archived :) and their respective titles.

Accordance (un-abridged)

It's difficult to believe that it is still only April. I asked that God begin to show me little things and have come to realise that we miss a vast number of them conciously or not. In Creative Living (CL) Warwick was on about the 'dance' with the Spirit. Basically keep in tune - in step with God. We watched a short segment in class from (the movie) a Knights Tale. Where it was a 1-2-3 count. Amusing - a bit of a strange idea if you ask me. However, this morning was reading Romans 8:5 "...those who live in accordance with the Spirit have their minds set on what the Spirit desires." It caught my eye because the word accordance was split and the lower line read: dance with the Spirit. It also triggered a memory of a few days ago where Emily randomly laughed at the part in a Knights Tale - the 1-2-3 dance segment and I did not think then back to what Warrick said/showed us. So an example to me of the little things God does - his purpose, his nature - to breach time, own time and have control over it, and the promise and answer of prayer to notice the little things God does. We miss so much. If only we continually had our eyes open.

let me live (very-abridged)

much of this was a personal reflection to God on some music, on how it triggered memories. I dont think I'll post this. God took me, chose me and let me live. that sums up the enormity of what I tried to say and still falls far short just like every other time.

sacrifice (un-abridged)

Saying that... I'd be tter write here what I wrote today. Ah the irony, I just happened to have a writing splurge and do two full pagers. morning 22/4/05 I'm doing the breakfast thing again. I was wrecked last night, just after work - however that's a pitiful excuse because I got on the computer and was on until late. I finished my music 'week off'. I'm glad I had the determination to go through with it. I nearly stuffed it up but at the last minute refused to take my diskman in my bag to work. The time I thought I'd struggle alot was the trip home. As it turns out Geoff and Age took me to Ringwood station, can't help wondering God if you were in that. It was hard. Something I'd not like to do frequently. As jas put it, "I'd go insane" - nearly did. You I guess have to learn to fill your time so that you don't notice - as much. My aims fr doing the week off music were: to get some headspace. I think that happened to an extent, my awareness that I think my life through songs - let them do the thinking for me was a big factor in doing this - also the fact that I can use my own brain for praising God. Thinking/singing songs is a fantastic way to connect with God but certainly not the only way. I got time to do that. And the volume -if you can call it that, of stuff I thought through on the train yesterday was staggering. Seemingly little things but nevertheless important before they become or became big things. It was hard but worthwhile. God as I bring or rather come back to 'normality' with music and the busyness I self-create - help me to slow down, to use my head and thing things through for myself. Thankyou for your huge part in that small challenge of self discipline and thankyou for the many little ways that time was used and the things you showed me, did for me in helping make it a little easier. You are a good God, full of love and full of justice, honesty, power and truth. Jesus how much more self discipline and patience must it have taken to go through dying for us. Thank you for the enormity of that sacrifice in comparision to my own which is so small it is laughable. You are a God of self discipline and patience. Let me live with a mirrored patience and never forget to thank you.

How about some honesty

Have been minorly inspired to be real about this after being given links to other blogs tonight... somewhat more personal ones. Write what I write in my journal. No one has to see this unless I let them afterall. Why be afraid? How about some honesty.