Coloured In (un-abridged)

When I got woken up this morning by dad to go to church for Good Friday and hearing that we were going after to the Mellows. I cried. It was utterly unreasonalbe, maybe I was half asleep, maybe I was just annoyed that my 'study' plans were stuffed up. I complained but decided to go. Sometimes I don't understand myself. Church was okay, I had a sore throat - which has just gotten sorer. I was I guess at a place where I felt I needed you so bad God. Feelings from after 'the Passion' were there. Alone and very dependant. Unworthy. Sometimes in my mind I associate or treat myself - God I'm such a pile of nothing, dirt without you. Thoughts of this ran through my head - you (metaphorically) tapped me ont eh shoulder with a firm no. God you chose me - long before I chose you. I wasn't dirt, I was just dirty. You cleaned me. I always have mixed feelings about visiting Solmon's people. I love the Mellows to bits. It's I guess just hard. Emotionally shredding sometimes. I can walk right back into their lives and be so completely at ease even if I haven't seen them for ages. Who else has a family - many families where you can bum arround w/ 3 guys who are your brothers - but aren't - have no reservations whatsoever. I don't ever I think, get the same 'safe' feeling - well to that extent with my Australian (ie: non Solomon) friends. Awesome God, Thankyou for the amazing reality of my life, my remarkable experiences - I want to say blessings, but that's a word I don't like so much - don't know why. But they are. Where would I be without them and all that has happened? Where would I be without you? Not dirt, but dirtied - now clean. You have coloured in my life in such a way that no one else ever could.

from today

Its been an awfully long time since I've done this. I've had to keep a journal since starting YITS www.yearintheson.org and I think that I'll keep this as edited versions of that - quite probably not as frequent. No point essentially in starting and going back to Febuary - I havent the time. On day I might scan through that and dump some stuff up. Until then. this is from today.