Running Parallel (unabridged)

"And your love remains a mystery, that's woven all the way through me." - Brooke Fraser It's funny, your head overloads with so much stuff that you don't have the capacity to write it down and then you leave it and later have absolutely no idea where to start. So God, you've been showing me a lot about 'story'. How you have your timeless outlook on history. The story of you, of the human race, of earth. And we as individuals have our lives, our stories to live. I guess I've been intruding on other's stories in some ways. Stop. This feels so awkward writing like this. Start again. -------- Yesterday. Highlighted, outlined, underscored myself, in that I played the objective being. Attitude direction is a masterful thing sometimes. And although the mental 'not good enough' monster reared it's head it was kept at bay. Thanks God. And I was able to see beyond it, than the more usual (of the past few days)giving into the 'but what if's' and the 'they really think this'. I verbalised how I was feeling - as if YITS was a bit cliquey. Both for me and conversations that I've had with a few others. Yellow group with Tilla (facilitator) is good. It splits me from Jess and Sam so I am away from the very familiar (sorry sammy :) but it's true) neither Katie nor Jo are in Yellow either. Alice is an interesting character. I have a good mind to give her the blog link. Maybe. As to the story thing I so badly started with. Warwick (in Youth Ministry) showed us this piece of weaving - each individual strand getting caught up in a greater picture. Each strand an individual story. It's (this has) been jumping out at me. God you bought back to mind the 'author and perfector' verse (Hebrews 12:2-3). You let us in on our own story, however strangely that is, as we are already part of it. And I frequently try to jump strands, solve/carry/heal/fill other people's problems when it isn't always my place. To be their counselor when ha, God has/already one through the Holy Spirit. Is it a trust issue? I don't know. I thought I trusted God. Maybe not completely. And despite the call to walk/concentrate on our own lives, there are these disjointed moments where we are bought together. Here's where to restrain my head from running off on relationship tangents. Aside from all this 'story' relevance, the class was on listening to God.

"My way isn't yours God. You bring this author and perfector thing back up. What's up with that? I've realised tonight that yes to use my journal for thinking through stuff, to take more time. You want me to include you in that. To have an ongoing conversation with the great conversationalist"

And then I listened. Or stopped. The same.

Words Rebecca. I have given you them and a heart to seek, to listen to search after me. Use your words. Know me more. What an amazing story you life isnot has been, nor will be. Is. I will show you more of your story and more of mine. You each have your own individual paths to walk, crawl, stumble and run. Yes you can help along their way. (As they do for you). But don't miss the point of walking your own path, taking part in the story I have scripted for you. You feel overburdened Rebecca and then seek satisfaction in what you almost foolishly think you are doing for others. Only I can do that. I love using you. But don't look fo rothers to fulfil and complete you in that way or you are always going to be dissatistfied. I am making you into something beautiful. Selecting each word of your life by hand. "Peace, peace to those far and near." Isaiah 57:19 I will find you. I have found you in your divide. Your tearing between countries. I will hear you, heal you, make you whole. I know who you are and I know who you will be."

I was wondering, praying about whether to share that ^ in the blog, when I read the, "use your words". I don't know. I guess I will. It is personal. It's kind of funny. How coherent this is I don't know? It is enough to hold a memory that might otherwise disappear later. Enough to show what God is doing. The master weaver. The story maker.